Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

291 replies

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:32

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

OP posts:
AllOfThemWitches · 10/04/2023 15:35

I would never move in with a spoilt child and I would never have babies with a man with a spoilt child. So I guess that's my advice.

thegrain · 10/04/2023 15:35

You only met her two weeks ago why are you so concerned about how he chooses to parent his daughter? I'd give it loads more time and if you decide you don't like his parenting style move on.

Fireyflies · 10/04/2023 15:41

I'm a step parent. In your shoes I'd probably give it a bit longer - he may have been nervous about how she'd react to meeting you and be over compensating in softness. Six year olds do have tantrums too sometimes, and she may be doing that in response to being unsure about her dad having a new GF, even if she does also like you. Worth starting to open up conversations with him about parenting style - what does he think of how he parents? How were his own parents with him? How would he envisage things being different if you were part of his family? If he's open to discussion, reflection and change you might be ok. If not, it's probably best to end things.

ScribblingAlways · 10/04/2023 15:41

At 32 and wanting your own children I wouldn't be dating men with children already, spoilt brats or not, sorry not what you want to hear

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:42

thegrain · 10/04/2023 15:35

You only met her two weeks ago why are you so concerned about how he chooses to parent his daughter? I'd give it loads more time and if you decide you don't like his parenting style move on.

Ok, sorry I left some info out then I guess.

but I’ve been hearing about and experiencing his parenting style long before I met his daughter. I guess finally meeting her now, I can observe the dynamics with my eyes and in person. He barely ever says no to her, yet will often say no to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:43

That is interesting you say that - can I ask why?

am I better off dating men with no children then?

some people say I’m going to be ruling a lot of men out especially as I’m looking to go a bit older than me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:48

Thank you - super helpful response.

im willing to give it a little longer I think and see but I will need to draw a line at some point if I don’t think this can work long term.

ive already opened up the parenting styles discussion. His parents divorced when he was very young and argued a lot. He has a lot of guilt about his family separating. He’s 100% over compensating and motivated by guilt. My problem is I’m not feeling important to him. He does not want to move more than half an hour from his daughter’s school, yet I would be willing to move 1.5 hours and away from my family (for the right person).

he says he would like to have a family with me if we were to work out and move into our own place together - guess I’m concerned about the dynamics

OP posts:
PelvicFlora · 10/04/2023 15:48

I was you. I stayed and had two children with him. It's taken almost 15 years of having my boundaries stomped all over and feeling like I was losing my mind at times for us to finally have got to a good place. And that's mainly only because DSC is off to university later this year.

My honest advice would be save yourself the mental anguish and utter frustration at having no say over your life and feeling like a second class citizen in your own home and just run for the hills. Find a man who has no kids and have your own family.

Newjobformoremoney · 10/04/2023 15:48

I would say my advice would be to leave. You won’t change his parenting style. Then it’s a no win really.
don’t have kids with a man you don’t think parenting styles match yours. Don’t move in with a child who you don’t think has boundaries.
Step parenting and blended families are hard when you align on the above. I would suspect it’s almost impossible when you don’t.

Daleksatemyshed · 10/04/2023 15:53

If this is his standard parenting style it will wear very thin on you quite quickly Op. Reading this board there's a lot of dads just like him, they don't live with their DC and are scared to do anything to upset them incase they stop wanting to visit. It's understandable but a very poor idea, the DC get to expect to be treated like royality and the power dynamic gets screwed up. I'd think about finding a man with no DC if possible

JenniferBooth · 10/04/2023 15:55

End it with him. The example @PelvicFlora gives sounds like it could be you in years to come.

Im child free by choice and would never date a man with kids Not even grown up kids cos it doesnrt end there. Just look at the grandparents expected to do childcare Some of whom will be step grandparents. From what ive seen step parents are expected to do all the grunt work like the washing and clearing up after the kids but not allowed to have any input or discipline them Nah Fuck tha shit You can keep it.

Floppyelf · 10/04/2023 15:59

PelvicFlora · 10/04/2023 15:48

I was you. I stayed and had two children with him. It's taken almost 15 years of having my boundaries stomped all over and feeling like I was losing my mind at times for us to finally have got to a good place. And that's mainly only because DSC is off to university later this year.

My honest advice would be save yourself the mental anguish and utter frustration at having no say over your life and feeling like a second class citizen in your own home and just run for the hills. Find a man who has no kids and have your own family.

+1

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 16:00

Ah thank you @PelvicFlora and I’m really sorry to hear of your experience, that really saddens me 😔

OP posts:
Starlitestarbright · 10/04/2023 16:02

You've meet her briefly op it's a snapshot.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 16:04

Seems my quoted replies didn’t work - sorry to those I replied to!

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 10/04/2023 16:04

Don't get too involved with him, op. There are plenty of men around who do not have children, might like to have them if they met someone. There's no need to entangle your life with a man who has a dependent child or children, especially if you want kids of your own.

Inthenightgarden1 · 10/04/2023 16:09

I could have written this but ten years ago. I decided to stay and now we have our own DC he is completely different with our own. He said he felt bad as he only saw DSD some of the time and didn’t want to tell her off all of the time. Not ideal and caused loads of arguments.
You have my sympathy! Depends how much you want to be with him I suppose xx

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 10/04/2023 16:19

When I first became a stepmother I thought the kids were spoilt. They weren’t, I just knew naff all about parenting.

Parents have WAY more tolerance for their children than anyone else does. After two weeks knowing her and a few months dating her dad I promise you you don’t have the information you need to judge her/dp.

Kids are demanding, self-centred and will test boundaries. All kids. Parents - the good ones - will have their children at the centre of their world. That doesn’t mean they build their entire existence around them but she should absolutely come first to him.

Depending on how you feel about him, I’d give it a while more. But if he’s forced to choose he should choose her, so try to relax a bit and accept a child that isn’t your own will be annoying as f**k sometimes. They say weird shit but they don’t operate on a subtext level, so don’t take stuff personally.

I don’t think you have the info you need to judge them both yet, but I can relate to the initial panic. I have two DSC and all I can tell you is 6 months in I was freaking out, 5 years in and I wouldn’t change a thing about my DSC and my set up.

Mari9999 · 10/04/2023 16:32

Guilt and shame are not always necessarily negative things and in many instances are the things that prevent us from repeating our mistakes.

Saying " no" to an adult and saying "no" to a child are not comparable things and in a healthy situation having no bearing one on the other.

You are only 2 weeks in to having a chance to have first hand experience with this child. It is far to soon to conclude that she loves you. After a brief meeting or 2, she does not know you, nor do you really know her.

Your partner is wise in saying if things were to work out. You are in the process of determining if things are going to work out in both of your opinions.

Things are less likely to work out if you start off seeing yourself in competition with a 4 year old.

If In the upcoming months you are not happy with his.parenting style, then you have reason for concern. If in the upcoming months he senses or observes that you view his daughter as competition, then he has reason for concern.

As you advance in age, it becomes less likely that you will meet a man in your age range who does not have children. Not impossible but increasingly unlikely. Decide what your standards are, and move to satisfy those standards. You do not have to settle, but neither does he.

lunar1 · 10/04/2023 16:58

That's your red flag, you think you have an idea what type of parents you'd like to be. You've seen how he parents, and the two things don't match up.

When a couple have children together you try and figure it out and make compromises. When one person already has children there is much less ability to compromise. He will parent any joint children in exactly the same way. I don't know why you would make life hard for yourself like this.

Hintofreality · 10/04/2023 17:01

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

JenniferBooth · 10/04/2023 17:06

@Hintofreality Bet you are also the type of poster who would also say "well there must have been signs" when a stepmum on here posts about how her partner is doing the Disney dad act to the detriment of the stepmum and the younger kids he has had with her.

N0T · 10/04/2023 17:09

Newjobformoremoney · 10/04/2023 15:48

I would say my advice would be to leave. You won’t change his parenting style. Then it’s a no win really.
don’t have kids with a man you don’t think parenting styles match yours. Don’t move in with a child who you don’t think has boundaries.
Step parenting and blended families are hard when you align on the above. I would suspect it’s almost impossible when you don’t.

This is excellent advice.

SquidwardBound · 10/04/2023 17:15

If you want to have children, why choose to do it in the most complex circumstances you can find? You’re only 32. You don’t have to make your life so difficult.

even more so if he’s entirely motivated by guilt in his parenting. That is a nightmare.

if you stay and have children with him, you seriously risk being yet another SM on these boards who made husband won’t allow her or her child to have anything because everything must centre around his older child.

TheCentreSlide · 10/04/2023 17:16

I think it sounds like a potential shitshow and no good will come of it. The cautionary tales of SMs on here are pretty clear.

But, your comparison of being prepared to move 1.5hours away from your family whereas he’s only willing to move 30 mins further from his child - that’s a bit telling about your attitude being a bit wonky. You must see that the two things are completely different? This is his child, he is responsible for her. Of course he shouldn’t move away. You moving away from your parents or siblings, as an adult, is not the same at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread