Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

[Flutterbye22]

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

@Viviennemary I know you have changed your mind with this one, but I just wanted to say it is a dangerous advice.

Don't marry a man who earns much less than you. Imagine potential divorce and you losing a half of whatever you brought in to the marriage.

Don't do share finances in step families. Always have your own separate money.

A spoiled child with no boundaries set by parents can ruin step parents life

And The man in question lives with his dad, that's a red flag. Probably minimal childcare to his DD, that's another red flag. I bet his ex doesn't work or works part time so a lot of his money will be going there
And yeah midlife crisis and typical career change.

Op don't do this. He needs your money and your time for his own benefit. There is nothing good in there for you. Before you even know you will be looking after his DD and funding trips and other stuff.

If you have your own child they will never be as important as his DD. You will be paying for all child costs because you earn more and he will always be broke. There were so many threads on here how mums in this situation have to buy all bday, Xmas presents for joint children, all clothes, toys, you name it, because dads only cared about childred from previous relationship.

And this is why I left. I’m not going back now. Especially after advice given on here. I think the situation was playing on my good nature. I’ve never dated anyone with kids so I don’t know what the etiquette is, or what is reasonable.

You are sooooo right about all of this.

Although, in his defence… he is good Dad and does all the childcare when he has her. He lives with his Dad really due to financial reasons. Though he had his daughter with ex wife at his dads (wtf?!) I had a go at him for this as that’s a very poor decision. He was overpaying to his ex (double what he should have) again out of guilt. I spoke to him about this and said it would disadvantage us and put too much pressure on me. He was also still paying for his ex car insurance and they’d been separated for 2 years.

Honestly, I’m walking away. I like him as a person, but the circumstances are far too complicated and problematic for me. He didn’t really support me emotionally with any of it either. He would keep saying she’s a sweet 6 year old girl and a really good kid (which she is, and she’s the innocent party here), but that doesn’t really help me.

@Flutterbye22 like I said, us women are conditioned to behave a certain way. Im so glad you posted on here.

So am I! I wish I did far sooner!

none of my friends are in similar circumstances, so totally no frame of reference for me. I was definitely getting suckered in.

Your opinion is that he has poor boundaries.
You think his child is spoilt.
You are surprised that he doesn't treat you the same way as he treats his child.
You imply that you think him refusing to move more than half an hour from her school is unreasonable (bloody long school run as it is!)

I wouldn't be dating you if I were him.

That's wrong. The idea is that it's the absent father who swoops in and treats the children, leaving the grunt work to the mother.

Otherwise the phrase would be 'Disney Parent'.

She’s not now.

@Fantasmagoricalan ah that's good - best decision all round - I was worrying for the little girl.

Six months into a relationship with the Dad and meeting the 6 year old two weeks ago, you are not in a position to judge the dynamics and not in a step-parent role. The only valid thing here is how right the situation feels for you. It seems not to be the right set-up. You're very concerned about being first/most important in the relationship and that can never be as he has a child. Move on if that's what you want.

@Flutterbye22

He was overpaying to his ex (double what he should have) again out of guilt. I spoke to him about this and said it would disadvantage us and put too much pressure on me. He was also still paying for his ex car insurance and they’d been separated for 2 year

Here you go. There is a pattern and the reason why these man are looking for a new partner who earns more than them. You will be funding most part of your together life because he will never have any money to spare. And I don't mean he shouldn't be paying child maintenance, I mean all the extra overs to his ex wife which are paid out of guilt.

You sound like a nice and caring person. Don't let them take advantage of it. All the best to you

You probably still should given her own father can't put a roof over her head and is raising her with no boundaries.

Harsh! And also not fully true.
I am not expecting him to treat me the same as his 6 yo daughter. I am however expecting some basic respect and gratitude in return, and that can be in the form of boundaries for his daughter e.g. not grabbing my phone, clambering in to my handbag. Yes, she’s 6 but that doesn’t mean she can get away with everything.
For the record, I’m also not expecting him to move 1.5 hours away! I was simply saying that’s how far away I am. I understand the school run situation.
I was highlighting it to show how much I am compromising vs him.

I travel 1.5 hours each time to see him (that’s been every other weekend for the last 7 months). I have bought his daughter presents for Easter and suggested we go to Woburn Safari Park (where we went yesterday). I’m not a horrible person at all.

Agree with this 100%

It's sad reading so many comments suggesting you'll never be a priority dating a dad. It's absolutely not true. My DHs kids are his world but so am I. I've never been made to feel less important than them. I'm considered in every decision about the kids. My contribution to the family is appreciated and valued.

Ladies, if your man isn't making you a priority and is using the kids as the reason for it, it's bullshit. A good partner and father is able to give everyone the attention they need. Don't settle for this 2nd class citizen rubbish!

My problem is I’m not feeling important to him. He does not want to move more than half an hour from his daughter’s school, yet I would be willing to move 1.5 hours and away from my family (for the right person).

This.
Let him go if this makes you feel unimportant.
Any further than 30 minutes would be a nightmare for his shared custody.
My bf has 2 DD, he could have shared custody if they lived closer, but it just doesn’t work with school and work.

Agree with all of this. I adore my husband and our children but it’s such a waste of energy. Someone described it as a parrot on your shoulder - even on good days it’s always there and your life is never quite your own.

You still should be with a father who can never say no yet can't provide a roof over her head. Not the OP's problem anymore, thank goodness!

This ❤️

Thanks for standing up for me.

even on good days it’s always there and your life is never quite your own

Yep exactly. There was a thread on here once that just explained exactly how I feel about it which said basically that step parenting is so difficult because there's no real positives from it. The whole situation is take and no real give. For me it's just one massive chore and not something that enhances my life but just makes it more difficult than it needed to be. I feel I have sacrificed a lot more than DH has in order to be with him which he will never quite understand.

My husband parents pretty well, I get on with the kids well and his ex isn't the worst but still it's felt like a lead weight on my life and something I'd never ever do again if I had my time over.

You could be Mary Poppins and handing a gold bullion over every week and you would still get people posting shit like that. Another downfall to step parenting. You can have no involvement in any decisions whatsoever yet you must provide childcare and money on tap. Isn't it eye opening to how many women go along with it too. I said earlier in the thread, we are our own worst enemies. You should be proud that you are strong enough not to settle for dregs.

You are right about all the give and no receive.

I felt like his attitude was I should simply be doing everything and be ok with that because she’s the little girl in the situation. Again that would be fine if I was the biological mother, but I’m not, I’m dating the dad, and it was our 2nd time meeting. I didn’t feel he had any empathy or consideration for me and how hard that was for me. Also there was no affection eg hand holding or hugs because he didn’t want to do that in front of his daughter. I really felt like a spare part, almost like an au pair.

This is basically Disney dad logic in a nutshell. The outcomes of this kind of parenting are bad for everyone - especially the child.

Parenting driven by a fear of the child not wanting you (or as a competition between the parents for the child’s love) is dreadful.

This kind of parenting is a negative response to guilt. You see this especially where these men have more children and then treat his wife and younger children as a second class family on the basis of ‘guilt’ about the first family failure. Rather than learning from the first failure, he fails more by not creating stability and boundaries for his child and he pretty much ensures the failure of his second family due to his overwhelming focus on his own feelings about his first divorce.

Because that’s the thing, this stuff is not child centred. It’s not about what’s best for the child at all. It’s all about the parent’s emotions and doing whatever is most comfortable and easiest for him.

Yes, this is so true. The man lives in fear of his first wife denying him contact with his ‘first’ children, so he lets her run the show. She holds all the cards and she knows it. Add guilt into the mix, and you begin to understand why ‘first’ children are prioritised over ‘second’ children. So if you’re Wife No 2, it’s not exactly the fairy tale …