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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

291 replies

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:32

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

OP posts:
Laurdo · 17/04/2023 12:55

Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 11:28

Very true, but he really pulled on my heart strings. I am a very empathic individual, so think that’s how he got me there. The guilt tripping was working, hence I am looking for other peoples opinions on here!

I guess what I’ve learnt is people get really shitty when they feel you’ve wasted their time. He was focusing more on this than the prospect of not having me in his life anymore!

Show quote history

It's total manipulation, you've had a lucky escape.

His response is all "me, me, me". It's not you in particular he wants it's a surrogate for his next child.

Maybe he should introduce his next partner to DD sooner so they can run for the hills sooner and not waste their own time.

Or maybe he could reflect on the reasons you've given him and work on being a better parent before thinking about adding another kid into the mix. But that's probably too much effort!

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 13:11

Laurdo · 17/04/2023 12:55

It's total manipulation, you've had a lucky escape.

His response is all "me, me, me". It's not you in particular he wants it's a surrogate for his next child.

Maybe he should introduce his next partner to DD sooner so they can run for the hills sooner and not waste their own time.

Or maybe he could reflect on the reasons you've given him and work on being a better parent before thinking about adding another kid into the mix. But that's probably too much effort!

Show quote history

Yes, or work on being a better partner!

OP posts:
Fantasmagoricalan · 17/04/2023 13:18

SquidwardBound · 17/04/2023 04:15

More manipulation. See that as further proof that you did the right thing.

Exactly this. He’s taking the gloves off now to emotionally punish you for not coming in and merrily providing money and childcare from him, while keeping your trap shut with any opinions on anything, but mainly about his piss-poor parenting.

Anuta77 · 17/04/2023 13:29

Flutterbye22 · 17/04/2023 01:48

All,
I was seeing this guy for 7/8 months. This weekend, we spoke. He told me everything he had hoped wouldn’t happen happened… I.e. him introducing me to his daughter and then me ending the relationship. He also said I am 42 this year, I spent 8 months seeing you. I wanted more kids, but realistically, that won’t happen now. I’m too old. I am really wounded by us and it’ll take me time to meet someone again. You however are 32 and will have no problem meeting someone new - you’ll be seeing someone new in a couple of months time.

made me feel awful :(

How unsexy for a grown up man to whine like this! If he wanted to marry and have kids, he should have put more efforts into his new relationship, instead of living in the past. Remember you said that he coldly told you that when youll have children, youll just go to work? Is this what he envisioned?
Not to mention that women have children after 40 (I know several who had children at even 44, all naturally), so for a man, its much easier. We have a male friend in this 70s whose youngest daughter is still a teenager and two others are young adults.
This man is very negative and only knows how to whine. You are not responsible for his dreams.

JenniferBooth · 17/04/2023 13:55

And you had your Easter weekend ruined by a man who is too piss arse lazy to teach his daughter respect for other peoples property. All he thinks about is himself He is not teaching his daughter about boundaries which will backfire on him in future when he starts to get complaints from school about her behaviour..................oh wait thats another thing he will have been expecting you to deal with.............the consequences of his piss poor lazy parenting. THATS what hes pissed about. Hes lost his potential domestic drudge and potential free child minder.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 18/04/2023 06:23

JenniferBooth · 17/04/2023 13:55

And you had your Easter weekend ruined by a man who is too piss arse lazy to teach his daughter respect for other peoples property. All he thinks about is himself He is not teaching his daughter about boundaries which will backfire on him in future when he starts to get complaints from school about her behaviour..................oh wait thats another thing he will have been expecting you to deal with.............the consequences of his piss poor lazy parenting. THATS what hes pissed about. Hes lost his potential domestic drudge and potential free child minder.

I do very much get the impression he’s looking for a surrogate mother for his child so he doesn’t have to do it all by himself.

OP posts:
TriangleBingoBongo · 18/04/2023 07:03

He sounds a bit depressed (no judgment me too) but very much like he’s hinging all his happiness on you . That’s a huge responsibility and resembles a child - parent relationship. You need an equal relationship if you’re going to have children.

Daleksatemyshed · 18/04/2023 08:16

I'm glad you haven't let him change your mind @Flutterbye22 , he doesn't particularly want you, he just wants a woman to help with his plans. He'll have to do his own childcare and make his own money instead. Be grateful you saw the red flags, the next one might not see the real him until it's too late

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 18/04/2023 08:21

TriangleBingoBongo · 18/04/2023 07:03

He sounds a bit depressed (no judgment me too) but very much like he’s hinging all his happiness on you . That’s a huge responsibility and resembles a child - parent relationship. You need an equal relationship if you’re going to have children.

That’s a good observation… it does definitely come across as very immature. All I know is I feel like a huge weight of responsibility on me. I suffer from low mood too, so no judgement from me either! But it’s not a very healthy dynamic - yes, especially if he wants more children. The cheek of him calling me needy as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 18/04/2023 08:22

Daleksatemyshed · 18/04/2023 08:16

I'm glad you haven't let him change your mind @Flutterbye22 , he doesn't particularly want you, he just wants a woman to help with his plans. He'll have to do his own childcare and make his own money instead. Be grateful you saw the red flags, the next one might not see the real him until it's too late

Absolutely! It’s his responsibility to do his own childcare and earn his money to do so. Frankly I still find it mind-blowing that he lives with his Dad rent-free.

OP posts:
Daleksatemyshed · 18/04/2023 08:25

Yes, 42 and still sponging off his Dad, what a catch 😂

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 18/04/2023 11:59

Daleksatemyshed · 18/04/2023 08:25

Yes, 42 and still sponging off his Dad, what a catch 😂

Bad, right?!

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 18/04/2023 13:24

Bet his dad wants him out

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 16:13

OP,
Well done for posting.
You have indeed been blessed by posters such as @Invadersmustdie @SquidwardBound @PelvicFlora @JenniferBooth among others for their excellent on point posts as to the absolute horror that awaits the hapless next partner to so many of these losers on the prowl for a skivvy/aupair with a good income👏👏👏.

You have dodged the biggest bullet and loser.

Absolutely, no doubt you, and your many attributes were targeted by him.
Single, solvent, career orientated, young, future home owner.

His 6 year old is being very poorly parented. None of mine ever behaved like that and most children don't if decent parenting is going on.

Having read the step parenting board on here for years I would be absolutely appalled if either of my daughters went near a man with children.

The most thankless of jobs for many and that is why there are tales of deep regret for having ever gotten involved.

From the tales on here, so many of them are just looking for the first solvent mug to pay and parent THEIR child.

Well done on pulling the plug on his plans.

I bet he is pissed off.

You owe him diddly squat.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 18/04/2023 17:27

billy1966 · 18/04/2023 16:13

OP,
Well done for posting.
You have indeed been blessed by posters such as @Invadersmustdie @SquidwardBound @PelvicFlora @JenniferBooth among others for their excellent on point posts as to the absolute horror that awaits the hapless next partner to so many of these losers on the prowl for a skivvy/aupair with a good income👏👏👏.

You have dodged the biggest bullet and loser.

Absolutely, no doubt you, and your many attributes were targeted by him.
Single, solvent, career orientated, young, future home owner.

His 6 year old is being very poorly parented. None of mine ever behaved like that and most children don't if decent parenting is going on.

Having read the step parenting board on here for years I would be absolutely appalled if either of my daughters went near a man with children.

The most thankless of jobs for many and that is why there are tales of deep regret for having ever gotten involved.

From the tales on here, so many of them are just looking for the first solvent mug to pay and parent THEIR child.

Well done on pulling the plug on his plans.

I bet he is pissed off.

You owe him diddly squat.

💜💜💜💜💜💜

Thank you!

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 29/11/2023 11:14

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:43

That is interesting you say that - can I ask why?

am I better off dating men with no children then?

some people say I’m going to be ruling a lot of men out especially as I’m looking to go a bit older than me.

There are single men with no children who do hope to meet a single, childless woman. If you made that your criteria, you would find one.

Don't get involved with someone who has dependent children, it is just not worth the hassle. By all means have some fun with him if you really like him and he likes you, but be honest, keep it light. Not all relationships are meant to end up in happy ever after but they can be good.

orangeblosssom · 26/12/2023 18:15

'He barely ever says no to her, yet will often say no to me.'

You're competing with 6 year old- sounds like you're jealous. Six year olds are allowed to have occasional tantrums but at 32, you shouldn't.
^
Not getting good step mum vibes from you so think long and hard about entering this relationship.^

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 26/12/2023 21:34

orangeblosssom · 26/12/2023 18:15

'He barely ever says no to her, yet will often say no to me.'

You're competing with 6 year old- sounds like you're jealous. Six year olds are allowed to have occasional tantrums but at 32, you shouldn't.
^
Not getting good step mum vibes from you so think long and hard about entering this relationship.^

Old thread - no longer seeing this man.

however, on reflection, I don’t think it was healthy how little boundaries he had with his child. She literally had him wrapped around her finger. You don’t know me, so you’ve no right to judge me as a step mum with your step mum vibes comment.

even though we are no longer together, I still bought the both of them Christmas gifts, and I wish them well.

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 26/12/2023 23:30

That was really nice of you @Flutterbye22

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 27/12/2023 05:56

JenniferBooth · 26/12/2023 23:30

That was really nice of you @Flutterbye22

Thank you ❤️

OP posts:
SD1978 · 27/12/2023 06:16

If you met her twice you were never a 'step mum' you were her father's girlfriend.

Reugny · 27/12/2023 07:12

SD1978 · 27/12/2023 06:16

If you met her twice you were never a 'step mum' you were her father's girlfriend.

This thread was about whether the OP should do the transition.

Next time keep your nasty comment to yourself.

SD1978 · 27/12/2023 07:26

Actually OP refers to herself as that, 2 comments down. I'm glad she walked away from the relationship- he sounds from her posts to have been a bit of an arse. Still not nasty to say what I said- she wasn't a step parent, and after 2 meetings I'd disagree that you were transitioning to that position- you're still working out if the relationship can work- which it couldn't.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 27/12/2023 09:22

Reugny · 27/12/2023 07:12

This thread was about whether the OP should do the transition.

Next time keep your nasty comment to yourself.

Show quote history

Precisely!
thanks @Reugny

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 27/12/2023 09:25

SD1978 · 27/12/2023 07:26

Actually OP refers to herself as that, 2 comments down. I'm glad she walked away from the relationship- he sounds from her posts to have been a bit of an arse. Still not nasty to say what I said- she wasn't a step parent, and after 2 meetings I'd disagree that you were transitioning to that position- you're still working out if the relationship can work- which it couldn't.

The thing is he really was an arse because he was expecting me to fill that role straight away! He even said to me he could never love me unless I loved his daughter. Me being me, I was trying to imagine being a step mum because I really liked him.
i am glad I stepped away, and I’m now focusing my dating on childless men.

OP posts:
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