Page 6 | Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

Flutterbye22 · 2023-04-10T14:32:55+00:00

Hi! I am new here. I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife. the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child. I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention. help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 07:41

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 07:39

This is basically Disney dad logic in a nutshell. The outcomes of this kind of parenting are bad for everyone - especially the child.

Parenting driven by a fear of the child not wanting you (or as a competition between the parents for the child’s love) is dreadful.

This kind of parenting is a negative response to guilt. You see this especially where these men have more children and then treat his wife and younger children as a second class family on the basis of ‘guilt’ about the first family failure. Rather than learning from the first failure, he fails more by not creating stability and boundaries for his child and he pretty much ensures the failure of his second family due to his overwhelming focus on his own feelings about his first divorce.

Because that’s the thing, this stuff is not child centred. It’s not about what’s best for the child at all. It’s all about the parent’s emotions and doing whatever is most comfortable and easiest for him.

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10000%

OP posts:

OooGuv · 11/04/2023 07:45

Again that would be fine if I was the biological mother

No it wouldn't. Even if you were her biological mother you still shouldn't be doing everything.

I really felt like a spare part, almost like an au pair

Yep you absolutely did the right thing running for the hills.

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 07:45

Holly60 · 11/04/2023 07:11

That's wrong. The idea is that it's the absent father who swoops in and treats the children, leaving the grunt work to the mother.

Otherwise the phrase would be 'Disney Parent'.

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No. It’s treating every day as a trip to Disney land. It’s perfectly possible to do that 50-50 and still leave all the grunt work to the mother.

The reason it’s generally Disney dadding is because it’s more common in fathers (and culturally sanctioned - even celebrated, as so many posts always demonstrate). Some men manage to be Disney dads within a nuclear family - swooping in doing a couple of fun bits, handing out presents, and then disappearing when there’s work to be done of any kind.

You do get Disney mums. But people tend to just view that as shit parenting. No celebratory cheerleading for them.

Coffeepot72 · 11/04/2023 07:48

This is basically Disney dad logic in a nutshell. The outcomes of this kind of parenting are bad for everyone - especially the child.

Parenting driven by a fear of the child not wanting you (or as a competition between the parents for the child’s love) is dreadful.

This kind of parenting is a negative response to guilt. You see this especially where these men have more children and then treat his wife and younger children as a second class family on the basis of ‘guilt’ about the first family failure. Rather than learning from the first failure, he fails more by not creating stability and boundaries for his child and he pretty much ensures the failure of his second family due to his overwhelming focus on his own feelings about his first divorce.

Because that’s the thing, this stuff is not child centred. It’s not about what’s best for the child at all. It’s all about the parent’s emotions and doing whatever is most comfortable and easiest for him.

Yes @SquidwardBound that’s an excellent description of Disney parenting!

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 07:48

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 07:45

No. It’s treating every day as a trip to Disney land. It’s perfectly possible to do that 50-50 and still leave all the grunt work to the mother.

The reason it’s generally Disney dadding is because it’s more common in fathers (and culturally sanctioned - even celebrated, as so many posts always demonstrate). Some men manage to be Disney dads within a nuclear family - swooping in doing a couple of fun bits, handing out presents, and then disappearing when there’s work to be done of any kind.

You do get Disney mums. But people tend to just view that as shit parenting. No celebratory cheerleading for them.

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This is very true. I was seeing this in him. He was pandering to her every whim and demand. There was no boundary setting, hard conversations, or discipline. He was extremely soft. (To some extent this is nice, I don’t like cruelty or aggression, but he lacked assertiveness).

he was Disney dadding. Bad news for the daughter, bad news for the new partner and new potential children. Good news for the dad in question though because he then gets to feel super good about himself and not have to do any of the hard work.

OP posts:

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 07:50

Another thing to add is he often felt super guilty as she is an only child. This then reinforced the guilt and lack of boundaries as he felt he had to do even more for her.

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Coffeepot72 · 11/04/2023 07:51

This is one of the reasons I did not have a baby with DH. Our lives were a complete circus, pandering to a non-resident child (and his mother).

Fantasmagoricalan · 11/04/2023 07:55

Holly60 · 11/04/2023 07:14

@Fantasmagoricalan ah that's good - best decision all round - I was worrying for the little girl.

Yes, I imagine his ineffectual parenting will come back and bite them both on the arse.

EllandRd · 11/04/2023 07:59

You are not her stepmom but his girlfriend, barely been with him that long. How he is with his daughter is no concern of yours.

Eviebeans · 11/04/2023 08:01

How did he react when you told him

Fantasmagoricalan · 11/04/2023 08:04

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 07:45

No. It’s treating every day as a trip to Disney land. It’s perfectly possible to do that 50-50 and still leave all the grunt work to the mother.

The reason it’s generally Disney dadding is because it’s more common in fathers (and culturally sanctioned - even celebrated, as so many posts always demonstrate). Some men manage to be Disney dads within a nuclear family - swooping in doing a couple of fun bits, handing out presents, and then disappearing when there’s work to be done of any kind.

You do get Disney mums. But people tend to just view that as shit parenting. No celebratory cheerleading for them.

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You write really well about this situation.

Fantasmagoricalan · 11/04/2023 08:05

EllandRd · 11/04/2023 07:59

You are not her stepmom but his girlfriend, barely been with him that long. How he is with his daughter is no concern of yours.

Click ‘see all’ on the OP’s posts, come on.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 08:05

Eviebeans · 11/04/2023 08:01

How did he react when you told him

Very badly… said he wished I’d told him sooner eg 6 months ago?! But how was I to know then?

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IneedanewTV · 11/04/2023 08:06

OP I think you have made the right decision. Onwards and upwards. Otherwise your time and your money would never be yours. It would be supporting another family. If at 45 you are in this position then date men with older kids. But not at 32. There is nothing attractive about him.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 08:07

IneedanewTV · 11/04/2023 08:06

OP I think you have made the right decision. Onwards and upwards. Otherwise your time and your money would never be yours. It would be supporting another family. If at 45 you are in this position then date men with older kids. But not at 32. There is nothing attractive about him.

Yea, you’re right!

OP posts:

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 08:10

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 08:05

Very badly… said he wished I’d told him sooner eg 6 months ago?! But how was I to know then?

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That’s because he thought he’d bagged you (and your salary/any savings you have) to house, feed and clothe him and his child.

If he’d realised 6 months ago you weren’t up for being his benefactor, he’d have tried to bag himself a different woman instead.

Eviebeans · 11/04/2023 08:13

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 08:10

That’s because he thought he’d bagged you (and your salary/any savings you have) to house, feed and clothe him and his child.

If he’d realised 6 months ago you weren’t up for being his benefactor, he’d have tried to bag himself a different woman instead.

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Absolutely agree. If he tries to change your mind or guilt you remember that what you have seen so far is him trying. It doesn’t get any better than this.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 08:27

I don’t think I’ll be hearing from him again to be honest, it didn’t end the best.

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SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 08:34

Here’s the kind of ‘poor me’ logic that some men employ to play the victim when you aren’t facilitating their life as they’d like.

My irritating H (we don’t live together because his attitude and parenting are awful) has spent the last two days complaining at me. Well, any contact I have with him is mostly that. But this weekend’s sob story is… he’s 43 and he’s got no assets. He’s got less savings than he had when he was 27. And it’s so unfair. He’s renting a small house and his (less than 6 month old) car is on credit agreement. His biggest expense every month is child maintenance (which he pays to the penny of the CMS calculator amount), the his rent and he spends all his money every month. Wah wah.

The man earns over £100k. He’s been a high earner throughout his career. When I met him he’d given up all his assets, except his meagre pension, in his divorce. Not that there were many assets really - a bit of equity from a house. Because he is shit with money. He’s got no money left because he spends it’s all on taking his older children out for treats, going away for snowboarding weekends, taking his older children to 5* all inclusive resorts in Tenerife, paying for very expensive gym memberships, etc.

Meanwhile, I am left paying an enormous mortgage (in a too big house bought with my equity from a lifetime of earning less but making better decisions), paying for FT nursery for our DS, paying for all clothes, shoes and food for DS. Working FT but earning far less than he does to manage this. I don’t have a car because I can’t afford to run one. I’ve no savings at all because I really do spend all my money every month - mostly on mortgage and nursery fees. His to the penny CM covers much less than half the nursery fees.

But still, apparently he’s poor and I should feel sorry for him. Feed bad even because it’s somehow my fault that he’s never accumulated much in the way of assets and what little he did went to his first wife in a divorce.

The same ridiculous logic applies to justifying his Disney dad attitude to his older kids and presenting himself as a the victim of everything. Apparently me not wanting to be his nanny/housekeeper is so unfair and mean.

I should have read the signs earlier. But I was naive and silly. I’m so glad that you’re making better decisions @Flutterbye22.

TriangleBingoBongo · 11/04/2023 08:38

Well done OP. I remember at 25 thinking I was past it and all the good men had kids anyway. I laugh now when I realise how dumb I was.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 09:52

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 08:34

Here’s the kind of ‘poor me’ logic that some men employ to play the victim when you aren’t facilitating their life as they’d like.

My irritating H (we don’t live together because his attitude and parenting are awful) has spent the last two days complaining at me. Well, any contact I have with him is mostly that. But this weekend’s sob story is… he’s 43 and he’s got no assets. He’s got less savings than he had when he was 27. And it’s so unfair. He’s renting a small house and his (less than 6 month old) car is on credit agreement. His biggest expense every month is child maintenance (which he pays to the penny of the CMS calculator amount), the his rent and he spends all his money every month. Wah wah.

The man earns over £100k. He’s been a high earner throughout his career. When I met him he’d given up all his assets, except his meagre pension, in his divorce. Not that there were many assets really - a bit of equity from a house. Because he is shit with money. He’s got no money left because he spends it’s all on taking his older children out for treats, going away for snowboarding weekends, taking his older children to 5* all inclusive resorts in Tenerife, paying for very expensive gym memberships, etc.

Meanwhile, I am left paying an enormous mortgage (in a too big house bought with my equity from a lifetime of earning less but making better decisions), paying for FT nursery for our DS, paying for all clothes, shoes and food for DS. Working FT but earning far less than he does to manage this. I don’t have a car because I can’t afford to run one. I’ve no savings at all because I really do spend all my money every month - mostly on mortgage and nursery fees. His to the penny CM covers much less than half the nursery fees.

But still, apparently he’s poor and I should feel sorry for him. Feed bad even because it’s somehow my fault that he’s never accumulated much in the way of assets and what little he did went to his first wife in a divorce.

The same ridiculous logic applies to justifying his Disney dad attitude to his older kids and presenting himself as a the victim of everything. Apparently me not wanting to be his nanny/housekeeper is so unfair and mean.

I should have read the signs earlier. But I was naive and silly. I’m so glad that you’re making better decisions @Flutterbye22.

That’s an awful situation @SquidwardBound ! He’s definitely playing the victim there and not helping himself?!

these men need to take accountability for their choices! (And also move on from the ex… why can’t they find someone else or support themselves!)

for ref, the guy I was dating, his wife left him. Which I always found interesting.

OP posts:

SquidwardBound · 11/04/2023 10:11

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 09:52

That’s an awful situation @SquidwardBound ! He’s definitely playing the victim there and not helping himself?!

these men need to take accountability for their choices! (And also move on from the ex… why can’t they find someone else or support themselves!)

for ref, the guy I was dating, his wife left him. Which I always found interesting.

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His first wife had an affair and left him for the OM.

Although I subsequently learned that he was cheating on her too. Funny how that doesn’t factor into the victim tale he spins.

BoneBrothByDayDonutByNight · 11/04/2023 10:22

I think you've done the right thing OP. I have had an overall very positive step-child experience, but I think I may be in the minority in that sense. I don't want my own children, but I really like kids and I often wonder how the balance of time/emotional load can really work if people blend families/add kids. There's plenty of threads about this on MN that don't make it look like all sunshine and rainbows.

I also found the money stuff really worrying, and a man living with his dad just doesn't feel like a great choice, kids or no kids!! ICK.

Good luck. At least you have more information about what you do/don't want.

PelvicFlora · 11/04/2023 10:28

I felt like his attitude was I should simply be doing everything and be ok with that because she’s the little girl in the situation. Again that would be fine if I was the biological mother, but I’m not

So glad to see you've managed to put yourself first and send him packing, OP. All of us step mothers who got suckered are cheering you on an vicariously enjoying the feeling of running for the hills with you!

The above quote stuck out to me because I've often said the same about my situation. When I first got together with DH, his general attitude was that I should somehow be grovellingly grateful that I got the extreme privilege of having his DC in my. And that I should consider it an honour to be able to pick up all the parenting slack that his ex left for him to do - (now I was on the scene, he could get me to do it instead!). It was all sold to me as if I was so lucky that he'd chosen me to look after his most precious DC. Because I was young and naive and a mug (and also had a shitty childhood and was desperate for a loving family set up), I fully bought into all of it.

Took me years and years to finally unpick what the real dynamic was. DH wasn't an arsehole, and he always earned more than me and had his own house, but as PP so perfectly described - everything was driven out of his own guilt that his first family fucked up. He was as decent enough parent but lacked any boundaries at all with his ex, who ran our lives for years, basically.

Anyway, enough of the rant. Things are all good now but I will always feel regret at the years I wasted feeling like I was going mad. And if I had my time over I would never put myself through it again.

I'm excited for you OP! I hope you find a lovely single, childless man and go on to be very happy.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 11/04/2023 10:49

I’m really struggling with the guilt today of having met his daughter and not seeing her again. The guy I was dating kept saying I needed to make my mind up as she would fall in love with me. That feels like so much pressure put on me as someone he’s dating. What does everyone else think about this?

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