Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

[Flutterbye22]

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

Yeah they are reeaaally good at selling themselves.

@Invadersmustdie its a head vs heart situation… it’s so hard when you have feelings. I know I gotta run! I have new running shoes to test out too! 👟

“He could guide you” 🤮 🚩🚩🚩

Same. My DSS is so unpleasant that family and friends have all distanced themselves from him. He’s a teenager now and pretty isolated. He seems quite content with that, provided he has the undivided attention of his Dad. Now DH realised I can see him treating our own DC differently. I know it upsets him but he is definitely partly to blame…

@Flutterbye22 I know, it's shit and I wouldn't be telling you to run if I didn't know exactly how it will pan out. Experienced it with friends and read about it endlessly on here. The longer you let it go on the more you will be suckered in. Good luck!

This is very intense for such a new relationship. You've been together a matter of months and you're talking about maternity leave and have been introduced to his child.

I'll be very honest and say I just don't think you're cut out to settle down with a man who already has children, and that's OK! Actually a lot of heartache would be avoided for a great many families if people were able to do a bit of self reflection and come to the honest conclusion that being a step parent isn't for them (also if parents were able to make better judgements on who they bring into their kids' lives in that regard).

It's absolutely right that he shouldn't move more than half an hour from his daughter and this isn't comparable or related in any sense to you moving away from your family. He's being a good dad on that front. I think the fact that you seem to be comparing his treatment of his daughter to his treatment of you is very telling. If you're not happy with the way he treats you then that's absolutely valid, but to draw the comparison with the way he treats his daughter is very strange and not a healthy way to approach things. It sounds like jealousy. You aren't in competition for his affections. It's two very separate, unconnected relationships.

There's no shame in ruling out men with kids, and it's really important that you can be honest with yourself about what you want.

OP, the dream of working part-time means you are dreaming of marrying a man who earns enough to carry part of your financial load. What if your "One" is having that same dream. He is dreaming of some who brings with no interruption financial resources equal to or greater than what he brings to the family financial table?

I have read your updates and have changed my mind. It doesn't sound good. Child hitting you and rifling through your handbag and he said nothing. He lives with his Dad and drives his Dad's car at 41. Not great. Don't think this will work. Already telling you how much maternity leave you can take. That is him saying dont rely on me to support you. All pretty bad really.

The OP doesn't need to be 'cut out' for Step parenting @Puppers because with this man it would be a nightmare. She should value herself a hell of a lot more. Also it appears he's not 'cut out' for parenting but he's still doing it 😂

She’s his number one, she’s spoilt, she has no boundaries… please don’t plan children with this man. Fortunately you’re very early in. Any children you have will be also out in the cold and will only you as an active parent. He will wind up feeling incredibly guilty about his spoilt daughter with any further kids that come along, he will turn the Disney dadding up to the 11, and the resentment you feel will grow and grow.

No good can come from this. Someone without children is the way.

Honestly, walk away.

I met my partner when his son (now my step son) was 6. I ignored my concerns about how soft he was on him etc. My step son is now 10 and although me and him have a great relationship it is so hard for me. I would parent very differently to my partner and his ex and it is a constant struggle for me.

My step son is becoming more and more rude, demanding and spoilt and I'm at the end of my tether with it all.

My partner and his ex excuse all of his behaviour and he always gets whatever he wants and gets away with his behaviour. It's really hard to deal with and it's not worth it which is why I'm in the process of leaving.

I love my step son, I really do - one of the reasons I haven't left before is because I will miss him. I don't even blame him for his behaviour, he is given no boundaries.

Just think carefully. If you don't agree on parenting styles then it's not going to work in my opinion.

There is a difference in expecting him to move away from his existing child in anticipation of some children that as if now are just a hope and a dream.

Better to find someone with no baggage who shares both your dreams and is your financial equal. In that situation the level of give and take has the potential to at least start off as equal. You can discuss your planned parenting styles and your expectations for being a SAHP who works part-time.

It is so much easier to work towards mutually agreed upon goals than to try to get buy-in to dreams and plans that are not mutual dreams.

Go and look for your Mr. Right or Mr.Almost Right. Your current partner began working on his dreams before he met you, and there doesn't seem to be much in they way of happy sharing. It seems to be almost passive aggressive anger because you are not the man or woman of my dreams. This may not be a dream for either of you, and it has the makings of a nightmare for both of you and an innocent 6 year old as well.

Just wanted to say that although this situation will probably put you off dating another man with kids, not all dad's are like this. He is a terrible example and the examples on the step-parenting forums are also mostly terrible because people don't generally come on to boast when things are good.

My step-parenting experience has been extremely positive and if I could go back in time I'd 100% do it all again. That experience is absolutely down to the type of parent and partner my DH is.

Perhaps I've found a unicorn dad but I'm pretty sure there are plenty other great dads out there.

You could meet a childless man who turns out to be terrible with kids. If you end up meeting a great dad at least you'll have a glimpse into what kind of parent he'll be.

I wouldn't worry about "firsts" too much. It'll be his "first" with you and no less special than any other child he has. I'm sure if you were to ask a mother they wouldn't say the birth of their 2nd or 3rd child wasn't as special as the 1st.

I am coming at this from a different angle. I have a 6 yo DD & am separated but seeing how my ex is with her, I feel incredibly sad for anyone that gets with him.

No parenting whatsoever & swings from treating her like a teeny tiny delicate baby to a best mate, I would say this will just upset you more & more.

@StarDolphins that must make it hard for you as well.

Why does he live with his dad? So does he do any of the childcare or does his dad do the school pick ups etc?
These men anyways meet women who are financially independent. You can set the home up and he can move in with you and his DD…………..or you could meet a man with no young children who you buy a house with as equals………

I don't even really need to read it all. My advice is don't.

If I were ever single again I'd avoid men with children like the plague and we are a pretty well functioning blended family. Practically everyone I've come across says the same, if they had their time again they wouldn't do it.

I don't regret being with DH in the sense that we have a good relationship and I have my children from this too but becoming a step parent was one of the biggest mistakes I've ever made.

I'm with you on this one 100%

If my relationship ever fails, I will never date any man with children ever again. I would rather be single!

Your life is dictated by the contact time, by his ex, in my case DSD wants to be here all the time now since we live together with DP. DP does what she wants. I can't even say I want to spend more time with him because that gets dismissed and I am the villain for not being happy for DP spending all his time with DSD. There is no more time for dates, oh wait, yes we can have a date! 3 of us. There is no holiday for just the two of us any more either, not even a weekend away because DP is eaten by the guilt. How could he do something without DSD?

Yet someone posted on here a few weeks ago about their DSS wanting to move in with their dad after uni. I would dread it, but can also see this from the parent's point of view.

Based on all that, my advice would be to cut your losses short. You're only 32. Blended families cost a lot of stress and have a massive impact on mental health. Being second class citizen in your own (owned!) house sucks. Don't do that to yourself.

P.S. Never move in DP's house, it will always be daddy's home and you will always be viewed as a guest with no authority.
P.S. 2. Never buy anything together with him unless you live together first and you are sure you are happy with the dynamics of it all

Why on earth would the OP do that? She’s not desperate! Sounds like she’s got her head screwed on to be honest.

I think you’re making a very wise choice OP in seeing this has no future, trust me you will thank yourself later for it, good on you!

She's six and he's sharing custody. I may be in the minority here, but what did you expect? He loves her and basically gives her what she wants when he has access to her... wouldn't most people? They don't want to be that parent that the child goes "oh no, not daddy... I want to stay with you" because he's the ones with rules and demands on her.

And it's early days... the priority he gives to you will increase the more he gets to know you. Give it time :)

I’m sorry but I don’t agree with giving her what she wants all the time - that’s really poor parenting. This isn’t exclusive to him, but I do think this is where some parents get it wrong by giving in to their children’s demands all the time. I was never treated this way growing up. I had boundaries, and I learnt that adults are adults and children are children. That doesn’t need to be done in a cruel way btw.

it would create so many problems if he’s unable to say no. I understand he loves her, and that’s lovely, but you can still say no sometimes.

I spent the whole Easter weekend with them both, and I didn’t have one moment to myself. I had to go for an hours nap on Easter Sunday for a break… I cooked a whole roast dinner for them. I barely got any thanks.

Thank you @YaWeeFurryBastard that’s really kind of you!

I have to say, from all the comments I’m getting on here, I think I’m making the right choice in walking away.

Jesus @C1N1C no wonder there's so many entitled step children around if that's how they are raised. That is some piss poor parenting.

@Flutterbye22 why did you run around after them all weekend with barely a thank you? This is how the dynamic starts. It never ends well!

Yeah, you’re right!

for my birthday this year (my first birthday with him btw) he has his daughter for that weekend (didn’t think to swap it with his ex wife no?) and suggested we celebrate it us 3 together !! Again, I really like his daughter but all of a sudden I feel I’m dating the 3 of them. It’s my birthday :(

I spent Easter weekend with them and the whole weekend, I was entertaining his daughter. I am exhausted today. Thank god I’ve got the day off work.