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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

291 replies

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 15:32

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 19:59

@TriangleBingoBongo oh bless you… I think I am certainly dodging a bullet here. I did start thinking how would his parenting of her conflict with mine and the impact that could have on any future children. I’m stepping out…

OP posts:
Eatentoomanyroses · 10/04/2023 20:01

No just no. Don’t date men with kids. It’s too hard.

SquidwardBound · 10/04/2023 20:02

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 19:57

Thank you @Invadersmustdie - it’s always difficult to detach when feelings are involved. But deep down, I know you are right. It makes a lot of sense. I’m browsing the Step Parenting threads. I tried talking to him about maternity leave in the future should we have children and brought up my concerns and he said I’d just have to go to work - it was said so bluntly and coldly. I think you’re right, he’d always prioritise his first daughter over any that we might have due to guilt… and their bond right now seems… well it’s very princess-Disney dad like.

Show quote history

him coldly saying you’ll just have to keep
going to work - so you can pay for everything! - is an incredibly clear sign that this is not the man for you.

You want to have children at some point. It would be ridiculous to do that with this man.

That’s not because you’re too immature to date a man with children (as PPs have implied). But because you’re looking for someone to form a family with you in the future and for that to be your life. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. You don’t need to have your life determined by someone else’s family.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:03

samqueens · 10/04/2023 19:45

This ^^

There are two separate issues here. One is whether you like his parenting style and whether he is too soft on his daughter.

The other is whether you feel sufficiently prioritized in his life. If the moving example you gave is something that makes you feel of secondary importance then I don’t think you should be dating older men who have children you have quite a bit of growing up to do still and you’ll be better off going on that journey with someone who hasn’t already done a lot of it.

Any man who prioritizes a gf of 6/9 months over his DD in this regard isn’t worth much as a dad or a partner. Anyone who doesn’t is going to make you feel insecure and jealous. Just end it.

Show quote history

Look, I understand the moving thing… I do understand it on a practical level. However all my friends are warning me that he’s not willing to compromise on anything, so actually, that’s the real issue here and yes… the main impact this is having on me is not feeling sufficiently prioritised in his life.

It would seen our priorities do not align. But it’s left me feeling like he’s not considering the sacrifices I’d be making for him. I’d be leaving my support network to live with him and his daughter. It’s just not going to work is it? Least with someone I don’t feel is treating me with respect.

today I had his daughter hitting me with her jumper, trying to get into my handbag and go on my phone. Again, no ill feeling toward the 6 year old girl but I’m looking at her dad to say something… she just does no wrong in his eyes !

OP posts:
Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 20:04

Good on you @Flutterbye22 so many women get sucked into these relationships and before they know it they and subsequent children are bottom of the pile yet they continue to give and give. We are conditioned that way. It is really common, these men are not daft!

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:08

SquidwardBound · 10/04/2023 20:02

him coldly saying you’ll just have to keep
going to work - so you can pay for everything! - is an incredibly clear sign that this is not the man for you.

You want to have children at some point. It would be ridiculous to do that with this man.

That’s not because you’re too immature to date a man with children (as PPs have implied). But because you’re looking for someone to form a family with you in the future and for that to be your life. There is nothing wrong with wanting that. You don’t need to have your life determined by someone else’s family.

Show quote history

Thank you so much @SquidwardBound I feel like you totally get me and where I am coming from to a tee!

I really resent others referring to me as unhinged, wonky or immature. Really quite rude if you ask me. I think I’m being conscientious here by making this post on MN! For the record, he lives with his Dad and drives his Dad’s car. I don’t think I’m the immature person here. I have a career, have owned two properties, have my own car. Why should I settle for someone who is treating me this way? I said to him I’m going to leave him to be with his daughter.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 10/04/2023 20:10

all my friends are warning me that he’s not willing to compromise on anything

they’ll be relieved when you move on from this situation then.

Remember that today was probably his best display of parenting. This is the bit where he’s still trying to reel you in. The reality of how he would parent in the house that you’d be paying for will be much worse.

JenniferBooth · 10/04/2023 20:11

So he expects you to work through your maternity leave saying it bluntly and coldly (he sees you as his meal ticket and skivvy)

Why didnt he stop his daughter from hitting you trying to get into your bag and touching your phone. What if she had broken your phone Would he have paid to replace it? You can be damn sure he would have stopped her from touching a strangers phone.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:12

Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 20:04

Good on you @Flutterbye22 so many women get sucked into these relationships and before they know it they and subsequent children are bottom of the pile yet they continue to give and give. We are conditioned that way. It is really common, these men are not daft!

@Invadersmustdie Appreciate that, thank you! Let me do this for fellow women - we do not need to settle for being second best! We have to respect ourselves…

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 10/04/2023 20:12

I dont't think you should end it if you think he is serious about marrying and having chikdren with you., But you havent known him very long. Only around 7 months. Don't let a spoilt child put you off.

SquidwardBound · 10/04/2023 20:12

Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:08

Thank you so much @SquidwardBound I feel like you totally get me and where I am coming from to a tee!

I really resent others referring to me as unhinged, wonky or immature. Really quite rude if you ask me. I think I’m being conscientious here by making this post on MN! For the record, he lives with his Dad and drives his Dad’s car. I don’t think I’m the immature person here. I have a career, have owned two properties, have my own car. Why should I settle for someone who is treating me this way? I said to him I’m going to leave him to be with his daughter.

Show quote history

Good on you.

Hold on to that self esteem. And those boundaries. They are vital for any relationship.

The more information you give about him, the worse it sounds. It’s amazing how many men are looking to have a new partner house them (and their children), pay the bills and do all the skivvy work post-divorce. Frankly, he needs to sort his life out. It’s not your job to make him
financially viable.

leelan · 10/04/2023 20:13

I am a step parent to two children... I would absolutely run 1000 miles! He's obviously showing signs that he lets her get away with everything - believe me, it will only get worse! My OH has two and one child over the last 5 years I've known her, has become a spoilt, entitled, rude and moody brat who I cannot stand. He feels the same btw before I am a wicked step mother. He hasn't "parented" her - rather been her best mate. No discipline, no pulling her up on manners, or just general behaviour. Now she's become horrible to be around and she's 9!
My advice - find someone without children.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:15

JenniferBooth · 10/04/2023 20:11

So he expects you to work through your maternity leave saying it bluntly and coldly (he sees you as his meal ticket and skivvy)

Why didnt he stop his daughter from hitting you trying to get into your bag and touching your phone. What if she had broken your phone Would he have paid to replace it? You can be damn sure he would have stopped her from touching a strangers phone.

Sorry I made a typo there - he said I’d just have to go back to work ( full time ) after maternity…. Still not sure how that’s work as maternity pay is a pittance and my company only pays mat pay for first 6 weeks then it’s statutory… I’d probs still have to work in May leave to cover any mortgage as his salary is mid 20s range ! My dream has been to work part time after having a child ( I’m qualified to postgrad level and work in a well paying job). Remember I’d be providing for him, his daughter and any potential children we would have. He also said his daughter could share a bedroom with our child should we have one and I said that wouldn’t be fair on his daughter and she should get her own room.

financially and practically it just doesn’t seem to have a future

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:17

SquidwardBound · 10/04/2023 20:12

Good on you.

Hold on to that self esteem. And those boundaries. They are vital for any relationship.

The more information you give about him, the worse it sounds. It’s amazing how many men are looking to have a new partner house them (and their children), pay the bills and do all the skivvy work post-divorce. Frankly, he needs to sort his life out. It’s not your job to make him
financially viable.

Show quote history

But whenever I raised this with him, his excuse was he is doing a career change and that we’d be doing it together. Except it’s not equal is it? Also have an issue with him doing a career change at his age when he has a 6 yo daughter and lives with his Dad. He’s basically living off of his Dad…

OP posts:
samqueens · 10/04/2023 20:18

Just saw the comment about mat leave etc… how lovely.

Quite honestly you’re better looking in a different pool, and you’re young enough to have many choices and many years of choice to come - most single men with children in their 40s are single for good reason…they are not likely to be the cream of the crop.

JenniferBooth · 10/04/2023 20:18

And i have seen this for myself. Three months ago i was in a coffee shop when a child of about nine came over and took my muffin The father made a half hearted attempt to stop her. Said to me she wants your muffin. She lifted the plate off the table and i just told them she could have it. Couldnt give a shit about the muffin but im sure someone on here will make out that i do. One of the baristas told me the child is SEN which i had worked out.

Two weeks ago i was in a supermarket when i heard screaming. I got round into the next aisle and it was the same father and daughter She was screaming and pointing at something she wanted. He was much more assertive this time shouting NO and dragging her away.
Perfectly capable of controlling her when it was something he had to pay for.

Moveoverdarlin · 10/04/2023 20:19

I had plenty to say about other people’s parenting before I had children. Then I had children myself and most of it went out of the window, so I would bear that in mind.

Secondly, I think depends on the sort of person you are. You will always be playing second fiddle. If I were you I would cut your losses. I would want children without someone who was doing it for the first time too. Not someone who had done it before and ballsed it up.

samqueens · 10/04/2023 20:19

Nothing wrong with wanting to feel special and prioritized, it’s absolutely what you deserve and should demand. It’s just that’s not likely to be a man with kids (and if it is then he’s showing you what kind of dad he is…)

samqueens · 10/04/2023 20:20

Have fun finding someone better! You’re way too young to settle

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:20

leelan · 10/04/2023 20:13

I am a step parent to two children... I would absolutely run 1000 miles! He's obviously showing signs that he lets her get away with everything - believe me, it will only get worse! My OH has two and one child over the last 5 years I've known her, has become a spoilt, entitled, rude and moody brat who I cannot stand. He feels the same btw before I am a wicked step mother. He hasn't "parented" her - rather been her best mate. No discipline, no pulling her up on manners, or just general behaviour. Now she's become horrible to be around and she's 9!
My advice - find someone without children.

@leelan good advice and I’m sorry for your experience… it’s a real shame when there is a lack of parenting. Whenever I tried to bring it up with him, he made me feel like such a b*tch, but I’m not. I’ve been raised with manners and boundaries. I’d never be hitting a person I’d met with a jumper when I was 6, I’d be told off by my mum, dad or grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:24

samqueens · 10/04/2023 20:20

Have fun finding someone better! You’re way too young to settle

Thank you x

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:24

samqueens · 10/04/2023 20:19

Nothing wrong with wanting to feel special and prioritized, it’s absolutely what you deserve and should demand. It’s just that’s not likely to be a man with kids (and if it is then he’s showing you what kind of dad he is…)

I agree.

OP posts:
ElaOfSalisbury · 10/04/2023 20:24

Why should I settle for someone who is treating me this way? I said to him I’m going to leave him to be with his daughter.

Good for you OP. You deserve better.

Invadersmustdie · 10/04/2023 20:24

@Flutterbye22 the more you write the more I want to grab you and run with you! Lives with his dad etc. Come on OP get on your running shoes!

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 10/04/2023 20:25

Moveoverdarlin · 10/04/2023 20:19

I had plenty to say about other people’s parenting before I had children. Then I had children myself and most of it went out of the window, so I would bear that in mind.

Secondly, I think depends on the sort of person you are. You will always be playing second fiddle. If I were you I would cut your losses. I would want children without someone who was doing it for the first time too. Not someone who had done it before and ballsed it up.

This has also crossed my mind. Kinda want to experience firsts with someone. Though he did always sell himself as having gone through it before, could guide me, I could see what kind of dad he is etc

OP posts:
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