Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

[Flutterbye22]

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

It is definitely not unhinged to be seriously considering a man you’re in a relationship with’s parenting style and whether that is something you can live with.

Unhinged would be not to do so. Frankly.

Honestly, I wouldn't in your shoes.

If I was single again I'd consider men with adult children but even then, I'd be cautious.

I love children so it's not an anti kid thing but an anti Disney dad thing. Plus the endless 'my ex is nuts' bullshit. I just can't be arsed with it all.

I think not being more than 30 minutes away from her school is actually really important. He will see her less if he can't get her to school easily and she won't want to go as much as she gets older if she's far away from her school, friends and activities.

She should be his priority.

Doesn’t sound like you’re cut out for dating men with children to be honest, with the comments about only 30 mins away, centre of his world etc. Absolutely no judgement there as neither am I, but I do think you need to acknowledge that and look for men with simpler circumstances. Do not go into this thinking the situation will change when you have your own baby because it simply won’t and it’s unfair all round.

As a parent I can say with confidence that six year olds are really irritating, I think its a combo of still being very young, but them thinking they’re all grown up.

Of course he treats her as the most important thing, as his child she will be the most important person in his life, thats how parenting works. It does sound your feeling a bit jealous, which isn’t a good sign. If he moves 1.5 hours away from his childs school, how will he do the school run and get to work on time? If you then have a child together, you would have one child at a school 1.5 hours away, and another within a couple of miles, that means both of you doing a school run everyday his child is at home, that really isn’t practical. It also makes facilitating friendships harder, playdates, birthday parties etc will be a three hour round trip.

Yeah sorry it won't work. But at least you know before you have kids.

Give it a bit longer and continue to watch the dynamics between him and his DD carefully. I was a step parent who had a partner who had poor boundaries for his DC and nothing ever became better. Being a step parent with an unsupportive partner who doesn't parent properly and DSC's who don't behave properly is soul destroying, especially when your own DC bears the brunt of some of these issues. Read the step parent boards, you will see how demoralising being a step mum can be in some circumstances.

To be fair he isn’t a Disney dad as he has the child as much as mum does 50:50 - I think some posters have missed this.

I think the comparison between moving 30 mins from her school and 90 mins from family is unfair. On his 50:50 he will have to take and collect his child every day. That’s 20 weeks. No way would I travel further.

A parents love for their child is unconditional. You will never compete because he has a different love for you. If I had to make a choice it will be for my children not my partner everytime.

the child is only 6. She will not be leaving home until at least 18. You have 12 years at least plus more of her being his priority - and rightly so. He is her dad. If her mum was to die or be unable to look after the daughter then dad will have her 100%. Be warned. This is your life for ever. Holidays in school holidays, rotating christmases, finances etc etc.

At 32 there was no way I would have dated a man with a child. There are no firsts. Everything will be a battle as the child will and should be first. We criticise dads too much but when they take in 50% some still call them Disney dads.

Eh?

We see it on the Relationships board All The Time.

"his finances are none of your business" when a woman posts concerns about how the man she is dating deals with money.
Then someone posts about how she is being financially abused and its all "surely there must have been signs or red flags"

One minute people are told to look out for red flags next they are told to ignore them. Get it now?

To be fair he isn’t a Disney dad as he has the child as much as mum does 50:50 - I think some posters have missed this.

being a Disney dad isn’t about the amount of contact. It’s an attitude - parenting driven by guilt and not wanting to say no to or ever deny the child anything.

You could have a child 100% of the time and approach parenting in this way.

I wouldn't continue the relationship, having experienced this already. I'd only ever go for childfree people if I could do my time over again (and go in to have my own children with them). I truly hated/hate the steoparent role and was relatively fortunate that due to location it was much less than 50/50.

100% this. We are our own worst enemies.
OP, run.

Nothing less attractive than lazy parenting and spoilt brats. Definitely will be made worse if you have your own kids and try to implement standards the DSD doesn't abide by.

I don't think you giving parenting advice when you don't have kids will go down well, even if you're right. And even if he listened and put some boundaries in place she may not have boundaries at her mum's so it will be a constant uphill battle.

I've been a stepmum to 3 kids for 2 years. We have them 50%. Thankfully my DH is an excellent parent and his kids are very well behaved. Their mum is a lazy parent and she's complained to my DH previously about their bad behaviour. Something we don't experience at all. It's taken a while to get to where we are with them and we still get the odd "well my mum lets me do.....". But they understand now that there's different rules in each house and seem to accept that.

I've never been made to feel like I wasn't a priority. I actually disagree that kids should always come first. I don't think it's healthy for kids to feel like the whole world resolves around them and I think that attitude is why there are so many spoilt brats. Absolutely there are times that kids should come first but your DP made a conscious decision to get into a relationship with you. If he didn't feel able to prioritise you as well as his DD he shouldn't have started the relationship.

Step-parenting has it's challenges and that's coming from someone who's DSC are great. I can't imagine how hard it would be if I had to deal with spoiled kids and a Disney dad.

The examples you give aren't huge. I wouldn't move a happy child from a school for a partner and my children always have always will come first thankfully my partner believes the same for his.

Priorities will always be for children's needs, education comes very top of their world and the right school can make or break a childhood.

A bit hard to answer, because before I was a mother, I couldnt understand how hard it is to parent and I sometimes go soft with my kids, because its just easier. I do discipline them of course, but some people discipline more.

I think you should really see how your relationshnip with him is. Is he the type to talk about issues and find compromises? If yes, and if even there are parenting or relationship issues, then you could solve them. If he didnt date after divorce, he doesnt know how to be with a new girlfriend and his daughter, but if hes mature, you both can adapt and I guess things can be solved.

Honestly, my own DP did discipline his kids, but there were situations later, when I didnt appreciate some of their behaviours, he wasnt able to honestly look at them and was defensive. So disciplining is not always a sign that he has great parenting.

Other things to look at: Is the ex-wife manipulative and is he able to stand up to her? Is the boyfriend guilty about separation?

If your boyfriend isnt that great in general, I would just look elsewhere and not complicate my life. Not necessarily look for partners without kids, but partners whose parenting style matches yours, who moved on from the ex, who are not manipulated by the ex (sometimes nice exes are also manipulators, depends on the dynamic), etc.

I think being called unhinged is really cruel and unfair. I’ve never dated anyone with children, and this was turning into quite a serious relationship. There is pressure put on me because his child is involved, so I am actually trying to be thoughtful and make a considered decision.

i would also like to add that I’m on double his income, so if we were to live together, I’d be the bread winner. I would only like to do that with someone I love and who loves me back. I feel taken for granted for with respect to the current dynamics. This isn’t about me being selfish and thinking I should come before his daughter, as I shouldn’t, but what I would like is to feel somewhat special at least. I have needs too, and that’s ok.

thanks to everyone who responded… I am thinking perhaps this relationship isn’t quite for me. I feel sad about it, but I gave it a go and I’d like to consider men without children instead I think.

“Nothing less attractive than lazy parenting and spoilt brats. Definitely will be made worse if you have your own kids and try to implement standards the DSD doesn't abide by.”

Agree with this ⬆️
I met SC when they were 6 and 4. The 6 year old was very challenging then and DH Disney-parented her all her life. 13 years on and she hasn’t changed (no surprise). I naively thought things would improve……
I think you could potentially dodge a bullet here OP. If you feel like this now then years down the line and if you have children with him, it’s unlikely to change.

When you read the step parenting board one thing stands out - how the father so often expects his second family to literally come second - have second class lives to the first family. You should think carefully about having your own kids with a man who may be like this.

Read some or most of the threads on step parenting. I can tell you what will happen. He will start subtly pecking at you till you keep your mouth shut about his Disney dadding. You will go above and beyond financially and emotionally for him and his child, then when you have your own child and your priorities change you will be told constantly what you can and can't do with your own child because that's not fair on dsd. He will expect the same lifestyle you have funded of course so there will be no extended leave for you. I dont want to insult you but they always make sure their next partner is a good earner. Read some threads and see for yourself. It is always the same with dad's who darent say no to their children. No exceptions. I dont know you but know you deserve more. Get out while you can.

She’s treated like a princess so she acts like one. It will grind on your gears if you want to actually parent your future children and the double standards will become obvious to your own kids pretty early on. A huge source of tension. I remember being shocked at how spoilt my DSS was and even raising it with DH as it was so unpleasant - i should have acted on it at the time and ran for the hills 😂

This ^^

There are two separate issues here. One is whether you like his parenting style and whether he is too soft on his daughter.

The other is whether you feel sufficiently prioritized in his life. If the moving example you gave is something that makes you feel of secondary importance then I don’t think you should be dating older men who have children you have quite a bit of growing up to do still and you’ll be better off going on that journey with someone who hasn’t already done a lot of it.

Any man who prioritizes a gf of 6/9 months over his DD in this regard isn’t worth much as a dad or a partner. Anyone who doesn’t is going to make you feel insecure and jealous. Just end it.

It is no surprise to me that you earn much more than he does. It’s a common tale on the step parenting boards.

Very often the SM ends up housing the partner and SC, paying for everything, not getting a proper maternity leave even. Yet still, how he chooses to parent the child is somehow still not any of her business and she needs to stay in her lane (just paying for everything and providing childcare to him - and often his ex).

There are loads of men that would make great partners for you who don’t come with children. Maybe don’t worry so much about finding someone older - find someone whose life stage and goals match yours (I.e. still looking to have kids in the future).

It’s definitely not unhinged to think this stuff through. If I could go back any give my younger self a bloody shake, I totally would.

Thank you @Invadersmustdie - it’s always difficult to detach when feelings are involved. But deep down, I know you are right. It makes a lot of sense. I’m browsing the Step Parenting threads. I tried talking to him about maternity leave in the future should we have children and brought up my concerns and he said I’d just have to go to work - it was said so bluntly and coldly. I think you’re right, he’d always prioritise his first daughter over any that we might have due to guilt… and their bond right now seems… well it’s very princess-Disney dad like.

I don’t think you sound unhinged at all and well done for approaching this in such a considered way OP.