Dating a man with 6 yo daughter… advice

[Flutterbye22]

Hi!

I am new here.

I am a 32-year old woman and I’ve been dating my current partner (aged 41) since Sept last year. He has a 6 yo daughter. For a couple of years it was just him and her - he shares 50% custody with his ex wife.

the reason I’m here (have been lurking the step parenting forum) is I’m new to this step parenting role. I met his daughter for the first time 2 weeks ago. I’ve seen her a few times, and we have been on day trips etc. I’m concerned at my partner’s lack of boundaries with her. He’s very soft with her and can never seem to say no, she’s very demanding. She’s an only child.

I want my own child and he wants more kids, but I’m terrified of this dynamic they have. I feel pushed out and really deprioritised. I’m ok with her coming first but he treats her like he’s everything and I’m wondering where I fit in. His daughter and I get on well, she seems to really love me (which is greeat) no qualms about her and me - more my partner and his parenting. She regularly has tantrums and is super demanding of his attention.

help - any advice? Not sure whether to continue this relationship on top of all the usual difficulties of dating someone with a child :(

@Flutterbye22 - I'm really glad you were able to recognise that early on- for both you and the kids sake......at least one of you were focussed on what was best for her.....just pity it doesn't sound like dad is

He even said to me he could never love me unless I loved his daughter.

In a way, I think more men need to take this type of position.

Many posts here detail men who seem surprised or cannot handle it when they realise that their partner has little regard for their DC.

I don’t believe SM’s need to do all the grunt work or love the DC like their own but IMO too many men expose their DC to partners who barely tolerate them.

And well done for walking on rather than sticking it out/trying to change things.

Clearly you weren’t compatible his parenting/values didn’t align with you and that’s fine.

Yeah I do agree with this actually.
The children are important! But I think what I recognised is yes, our values weren’t quite aligned, and I’d prefer a relationship without children involved. That’s ok.

From a lot of the posts on the step-parenting board, the kids are barely tolerable due to their dad's lack of parenting. It's a bit rich to raise spoiled kids who've never heard the word no then push the expectations onto a new girlfriend that she much love them.

@Flutterbye22 I dated a man with a child in my youth and realised step parenting wouldn’t be for me.

He was the same as your guy and I realised 1. I wouldn’t respect a man who didn’t centre their child, 2. I dont want to be with someone who didn’t centre me and our offspring.
I never dated a man with children again.

@Laurdo exactly, if the parenting/DC are intolerable then why hang in there?

It’s ok for him to vocalise that he is content with his parenting/relationship with DC and wouldn’t accept a potential partner having an issue. He’s literally laying out his expectations so OP can keep walking.

As adults we have a choice and if the package doesn’t look good then the relationship is not for us. I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

@Laurdo Precisely! You absolutely nailed what I mean!!! I’d love to buy you a drink!

Yeah, you’re right… we have a choice as to whether that package and set up is right for us. For me, absolutely not. I’d be compromising far too much. I’d also be the breadwinner and sacrificing a lot to raise a child that isn’t mine and he doesn’t seem to respect me or appreciate that enough.

I suggested he date a woman with children instead. I’d like my own kids and to go on that journey with someone together, as a first.

What happens in many cases is that the woman gives him and his poorly parented children the benefit of the doubt. It’s the upheaval and the change that’s causing it. After all she’s a new person and they are going to be affected by the divorce in an ongoing way.

It’s only later that it becomes apparent that this isn’t a bug, it’s a feature.

And, what is more, he has unilaterally decided that she is responsible for all the women’s work while he does next to nothing - but still has a go at her if she tries to tell his children to do anything.

1000%, and I could sense that he was a classic case. I got the impression he was looking for a new mother to his child as he didn’t want to parent alone.
….except that is not what I’m there for.

And frankly im fed up of the women on here vilifying me already as if I am evil, or not step mum-worthy or a threat/risk to the child.

no, I am not. And I think I could make a nice step mum or mum for that fact (I have self respect). I am just not willing to put up with a man using me as a surrogate mother and putting me last, and making me feel bad for whenever I pipe up about my own needs.

no thank you. That is not the kind of relationship I am looking for. I am not willing to put my own wants, needs and opinions last.

Bloody right @Flutterbye22

At 32, you still have time to find a man with no DC to build your own family. Leave him and do that.

From someone who was in your position at 33, who came out 10 years down the line wishing I'd never got involved with him in the first place as nothing changed, and in fact his DC was golden child and regularly prioritised above ours (I am now a single parent to our DC).

I’m sorry that happened to you x

but yes, I completely agree. I’m going to find a single guy with no children to build something with!

I think it's not the kids but the parents who are the problem. Split parents sometimes try to make up to their kids that they have split and so never say "no" to them

and patchwork families need a lot of clear communication, almost business like in nature. Before I became a step-mother I've asked my then boyfriend what he imagined my role to be and what his co-parenting agreement with his ex looked like and I had to think what I was willing to put up with

for example: shared christmas with an ex was a massive no-no for me. No criticism for people who practice that, but if my then-boyfriend said he goes for christmas dinner with his ex and daughter then I would not pursue this relationship any further

Yes, I have to agree with you @PaintedEgg I do think communication and expectations need to be made very clear.

I think the problem with this guy I was seeing is he wasn’t mature enough to have this conversation. Especially so early on in to our relationship- which was v important to me to know whether to pursue it further. Because I was the first woman he saw since his ex wife, think he just wanted to enjoy dating, and having fun. Which of course it should be about, but it’s not the same if both people were childless. It certainly complicated things. At 41, I expected him to be a lot maturer and aware of what he wanted his relationship and future to look like. It’s almost like he sleep walked into our relationship. I can see how that happened now as I don’t think he had quite adjusted to being single, and being a single Dad.

I never got the impression he had any awareness of how challenging I found it as a young childless woman dating him either. It was rather confusing. I did my best.

I wouldn’t be happy tagging along to Christmas with the ex either. He insinuated early on that he wanted us to be friends and for us to all go out for dinner at birthdays etc. I think it’s an unfair expectation to put upon your new partner!

not only do I need to love your daughter, but I now have to get on with you ex wife, and kinda tag along to happy families at birthday parties and future Christmas celebrations. No thank you, not the relationship or family I’d envisioned creating for myself.

I wish him very well however, and I do hope he finds someone suitable, as I don’t like the idea of people being lonely and miserable.

I agree, if someone is unable to make a clear cut to the former relationship then they should stay half-single with their ex, not seek out new relationships, especially not with childless partners who don't need to deal with that