Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

The great washing debate - should I have reminded him?

134 replies

thegrain · 07/04/2023 09:56

DSC have their own separate washing basket. Reason for this being it is easier to make sure it's all done before they are back again (here every other weekend and half holidays). Also DH is responsible for their washing. I for some reason am responsible for our shared DC's washing but that's probably a subject for another day!

Anyway. They are due here tonight. The washing has not been done. I noticed it was full last weekend but frankly am fed up of telling DH what basic parenting tasks need doing so I just left it and assumed he would notice. He's now all a flustered and asking why I didn't remind him! My response was why should I.

Anyone else got a lazy arse husband?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
BlueBunting · 07/04/2023 22:51

maddiemookins16mum · 07/04/2023 22:10

You’re a family, all of you (blended yes, but a family).
Washing is washing, no matter whose it is. It all sounds a bit petty.

The point is he’s expecting the woman to do it all because washing machines can only be operated with a vagina, and as he has a penis he needs reminding and adding to the woman’s mental load and praising when he does it. Did I get that correct?

WitheredandOld · 07/04/2023 22:53

Annonnimouse · 07/04/2023 10:48

Why are your step children having to do their own washing but your shared children do not? Are they much younger?

Read the OP properly. Honestly, comprehension skills in the UK are abysmal.

Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 22:56

BlueBunting · 07/04/2023 22:51

The point is he’s expecting the woman to do it all because washing machines can only be operated with a vagina, and as he has a penis he needs reminding and adding to the woman’s mental load and praising when he does it. Did I get that correct?

Show quote history

Precisely. I notice that many people have suggested OP doing all the washing is a solution but absolutely nobody has said her DH should do all the washing…

BlueBunting · 07/04/2023 22:58

Really good point @Morningcoffeeview that no one is suggesting he does all the washing! People are weird here tonight.

confusedlots · 07/04/2023 23:02

I had a similar conversation with DH very recently, but about bins. Bins are his job. I have given up the mental load about bins because bins are now his job. This was agreed some time ago. Bins were not brought in after being emptied for 2 days, and eventually I had to say something. The response was that he didn't forget to bring them in intentionally and of course he would have brought them in if I had just told him earlier.

I'm still feeling exasperated as to how he functions sometimes (although of course he functions just fine in his pressurised and well paid career). DH is extremely capable and does so many practical things around the house for which I am so grateful, but he carries very little of the mental load which I find extremely draining

Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 23:08

confusedlots · 07/04/2023 23:02

I had a similar conversation with DH very recently, but about bins. Bins are his job. I have given up the mental load about bins because bins are now his job. This was agreed some time ago. Bins were not brought in after being emptied for 2 days, and eventually I had to say something. The response was that he didn't forget to bring them in intentionally and of course he would have brought them in if I had just told him earlier.

I'm still feeling exasperated as to how he functions sometimes (although of course he functions just fine in his pressurised and well paid career). DH is extremely capable and does so many practical things around the house for which I am so grateful, but he carries very little of the mental load which I find extremely draining

Can totally relate to this.

Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 06:28

Pinkplasticbathcup · 07/04/2023 22:47

In all honesty I really think that you should just all be a family. So put the washing in one big basket and you and DH share the job of laundry 🤷🏻‍♀️ job done

How rude we are a family.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 06:29

CornishGem1975 · 07/04/2023 22:44

Then why choose to have kids with a man who is already a lacklustre father? I don't get that.

Show quote history

He was all good and self sufficient until he started relying on me to remind him. He seemed to learn my to do list was capable of holding everyone else's stuff too!

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 06:30

CornishGem1975 · 07/04/2023 22:43

Why is it "wife work"?

I've never heard it called that. Ever.

It's a very commonly used phrase.

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 08/04/2023 06:32

No wonder so many children of broken relationships end up broken too!

Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 06:34

Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 22:56

Precisely. I notice that many people have suggested OP doing all the washing is a solution but absolutely nobody has said her DH should do all the washing…

Show quote history

Sexism innit

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 06:36

PortiasBiscuit · 08/04/2023 06:32

No wonder so many children of broken relationships end up broken too!

Nice extrapolation there.

OP posts:
Simonjt · 08/04/2023 06:40

PortiasBiscuit · 08/04/2023 06:32

No wonder so many children of broken relationships end up broken too!

It is awful for child/ren when they realise their own dad has so little regard for their wellbeing he doesn’t think they deserve clean clothes.

Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 06:41

Simonjt · 08/04/2023 06:40

It is awful for child/ren when they realise their own dad has so little regard for their wellbeing he doesn’t think they deserve clean clothes.

Show quote history

He forgets his own too but yeah I agree it's shit when they turn up and their clothes aren't there for them coz they are drying. Not my responsibility though.

OP posts:
MorehouseplantsPls · 08/04/2023 06:50

Im sure in an ideal world, the OP would actually sometimes do all the family laundry. And the husband would also sometimes do all the family laundry.

Same goes for meal planing, bins, homework duty, hoovering, cleaning the fridge out etc etc

But when her DH doesn’t share in this why should she add extra work to her week??

Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 07:13

MorehouseplantsPls · 08/04/2023 06:50

Im sure in an ideal world, the OP would actually sometimes do all the family laundry. And the husband would also sometimes do all the family laundry.

Same goes for meal planing, bins, homework duty, hoovering, cleaning the fridge out etc etc

But when her DH doesn’t share in this why should she add extra work to her week??

I tried to help with homework once and it got back to mum and she sent an awful message back to dad. Their loss.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 08/04/2023 07:19

Simonjt · 08/04/2023 06:40

It is awful for child/ren when they realise their own dad has so little regard for their wellbeing he doesn’t think they deserve clean clothes.

Show quote history

Neither does their Step Mum.

Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 07:27

maddiemookins16mum · 08/04/2023 07:19

Neither does their Step Mum.

Show quote history

I do. I'm just not the one who needs to do it.

OP posts:
Oblomov23 · 08/04/2023 07:37

What does he say when you have such conversations with him : that he is so lazy about washing?

SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 07:42

maddiemookins16mum · 08/04/2023 07:19

Neither does their Step Mum.

Show quote history

why are you so desperate to brush aside the father’s responsibility here and pass it on to his wife?

why is it her job to care more about his children’s well-being than he does? Why is it her job to cover up for his lack of care and effort just in case the children realise he can’t be bothered?

These type of arguments are so deeply misogynistic.

Simonjt · 08/04/2023 07:44

maddiemookins16mum · 08/04/2023 07:19

Neither does their Step Mum.

Show quote history

I’m genuinely shocked at how many people thi k women should be parenting children that aren’t even their own, just so a man doesn’t have to push a button on a machine. The adult who is not the childs parent does think they deserve clean clothes, otherwise the thread wouldn’t exist, the childs actual parent however doesn’t think the child deserves clean clothes.

Simonjt · 08/04/2023 07:45

SquidwardBound · 08/04/2023 07:42

why are you so desperate to brush aside the father’s responsibility here and pass it on to his wife?

why is it her job to care more about his children’s well-being than he does? Why is it her job to cover up for his lack of care and effort just in case the children realise he can’t be bothered?

These type of arguments are so deeply misogynistic.

Show quote history

It’s so scary isn’t it, they’re probably the meal who belittle their daughter in laws for daring to have a job, or making their poor little darling lift a tiny little finger to so a basic job in their own home.

harriethoyle · 08/04/2023 07:47

@thegrain you are absolutely right on this. Don't feel bad. Ignore the first wives club too. Poor things have their own very obvious issues.

@SquidwardBound I fucking love you ❤️ such sense in your posts!

Original poster
thegrain · 08/04/2023 08:15

Simonjt · 08/04/2023 07:44

I’m genuinely shocked at how many people thi k women should be parenting children that aren’t even their own, just so a man doesn’t have to push a button on a machine. The adult who is not the childs parent does think they deserve clean clothes, otherwise the thread wouldn’t exist, the childs actual parent however doesn’t think the child deserves clean clothes.

Show quote history

Thank you! Indeed if I didn't care this thread wouldn't exist!

Anyway I'm out now. I think I got the support and advice I needed from this thread.

OP posts:
Cantthinkofabettername · 08/04/2023 08:22

How old are the DSC’s? (Apologies if I have missed this).