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Original poster

The great washing debate - should I have reminded him?

134 replies

thegrain · 07/04/2023 09:56

DSC have their own separate washing basket. Reason for this being it is easier to make sure it's all done before they are back again (here every other weekend and half holidays). Also DH is responsible for their washing. I for some reason am responsible for our shared DC's washing but that's probably a subject for another day!

Anyway. They are due here tonight. The washing has not been done. I noticed it was full last weekend but frankly am fed up of telling DH what basic parenting tasks need doing so I just left it and assumed he would notice. He's now all a flustered and asking why I didn't remind him! My response was why should I.

Anyone else got a lazy arse husband?

OP posts:
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NormaTheWife · 07/04/2023 21:33

thegrain · 07/04/2023 13:33

And as for the washing up - I insisted we get a dishwasher.

Who loads and unloads that?

Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:34

lookluv · 07/04/2023 20:21

I can not get over the he does his washing i do mine and the DCs.

All washing goes in one laundry basket whites and coloureds and gets wshed together by who ever gets their first. 'i do tend to do the washing but the flip side to that is i never do the bins. He does bathrooms and I hoover.

Should we separate the SDCs rubbish and get him to put that out aswell?

Seriously petty divisions of labour. DP has 3 DCs i have 2 - really not worth the aggro - I iron for no one - they do it and some of mine tbf.

This is going to blow your mind but he empties their bedroom bin.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:36

florenceandthemac · 07/04/2023 21:00

Christ I bring the tea towels home from work and throw them in with my washing because I thought ''my washing machine is going on anyway". I never for one minute thought it was 'extra washing', apart from having to separate them and put them in my bag to take back to work

You do the wife work for the office then..do you also always volunteer to make cups of tea and make minutes in meetings?

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:39

NormaTheWife · 07/04/2023 21:33

Who loads and unloads that?

Show quote history

I would say that was more me as I wfh more. But we manage that quite well, I load he unloads, we play to our strengths. Tried to train dscs to load as they go but it never works.

OP posts:
philautia · 07/04/2023 21:41

The patriarchy is alive and well on this thread.

Don't take over the laundry OP (although I know this isn't your intention) and absolutely do not remind him to do it. That is only one step away from doing it yourself.

You're completely right and I'm second hand ashamed to see what some other posters have suggested.

Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:48

philautia · 07/04/2023 21:41

The patriarchy is alive and well on this thread.

Don't take over the laundry OP (although I know this isn't your intention) and absolutely do not remind him to do it. That is only one step away from doing it yourself.

You're completely right and I'm second hand ashamed to see what some other posters have suggested.

It's so unusual from what I usually see on mumset tbh! Some posters have gone from me saying should I bother to remind him? It's a bit annoying when he forgets and he's told me I could have reminded him but I'm not his secretary and gone all the way to "you should be doing the washing". Even DH wasn't suggesting I take on his washing, he knows it's his job and if anything he should be doing more and helping me out with DC's clothes!

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 07/04/2023 21:50

thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:48

It's so unusual from what I usually see on mumset tbh! Some posters have gone from me saying should I bother to remind him? It's a bit annoying when he forgets and he's told me I could have reminded him but I'm not his secretary and gone all the way to "you should be doing the washing". Even DH wasn't suggesting I take on his washing, he knows it's his job and if anything he should be doing more and helping me out with DC's clothes!

Show quote history

That’s because we’re all through the stepparenting looking glass.

Sure, the advice elsewhere would be different. But here you’ll be told that you MUST be delighted about being the household skivvy - or you’re an awful
person who is ruining children’s lives.

It’s remarkable really.

Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:53

SquidwardBound · 07/04/2023 21:50

That’s because we’re all through the stepparenting looking glass.

Sure, the advice elsewhere would be different. But here you’ll be told that you MUST be delighted about being the household skivvy - or you’re an awful
person who is ruining children’s lives.

It’s remarkable really.

Show quote history

I thought other stepparents would understand better so didn't post in aibu..I feel I would have been slaughtered there!

OP posts:
SeulementUneFois · 07/04/2023 21:56

Unfortunately OP a lot of the posters on the Stepparenting board are not actually stepparents themselves, but are drawn to it in order to get opportunities to bash stepmothers.

hourbyhour101 · 07/04/2023 21:57

I have to say to the people saying oh just remind him/do it yourself it's such a non easy task.

If it's easy - isn't the better question why isn't OPs DH doing it ? Or remembering. One off sure but until death do we part I say do to being my husbands maid, secretary 🤯 good on anyone who wants to do that in their own marriage but 😅 it's the exception not the rule

I'm sorry op the board is frequently visited by non step parent who like to come a have a pop for absolutely no reason. Probably because they some issues they haven't sorted out

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 21:57

I'm with you Op , he knows when his children are coming, he knows they'll need clean bedding and clothes , he is just as capable of remembering as you are.

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/04/2023 21:58

Tell him to set a reminder on his phone, and don’t discuss the subject any further with him.

Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:58

Whattt44 · 07/04/2023 21:57

I'm with you Op , he knows when his children are coming, he knows they'll need clean bedding and clothes , he is just as capable of remembering as you are.

Yeah if anything more so I'd say? As its his kids that need the clothes!

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 21:59

DrMarciaFieldstone · 07/04/2023 21:58

Tell him to set a reminder on his phone, and don’t discuss the subject any further with him.

Yeah I'm going to if something like this comes up again.

OP posts:
Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 22:00

SeulementUneFois · 07/04/2023 21:56

Unfortunately OP a lot of the posters on the Stepparenting board are not actually stepparents themselves, but are drawn to it in order to get opportunities to bash stepmothers.

That's like me going to the divorce/separation board and having a go at the ex wives!!

Never mind. I shall not take heart.

OP posts:
maddiemookins16mum · 07/04/2023 22:10

You’re a family, all of you (blended yes, but a family).
Washing is washing, no matter whose it is. It all sounds a bit petty.

Original poster
thegrain · 07/04/2023 22:12

maddiemookins16mum · 07/04/2023 22:10

You’re a family, all of you (blended yes, but a family).
Washing is washing, no matter whose it is. It all sounds a bit petty.

This is absolutely going to blow your mind but we do our own washing too because he doesn't understand not everything can be whacked on the 40 degree wash.

OP posts:
SquidwardBound · 07/04/2023 22:24

maddiemookins16mum · 07/04/2023 22:10

You’re a family, all of you (blended yes, but a family).
Washing is washing, no matter whose it is. It all sounds a bit petty.

So why isn’t the man who is father to all the children doing his youngest childMs washing?

Or is ‘you’re a family’ just a stick to beat stepmothers with.

RandomMess · 07/04/2023 22:31

We're a blended family and guess what my DH does all the laundry and most of the shopping and cooking.

He learnt to not touch the "specials" basket (delicates), her the DC to sort through the clean clothes - 4 DDs so the only way tbh and my clean dry knickers mysteriously appear on my bedside table!

CornishGem1975 · 07/04/2023 22:43

Why is it "wife work"?

I've never heard it called that. Ever.

CornishGem1975 · 07/04/2023 22:44

SquidwardBound · 07/04/2023 21:17

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I think most people who honk this stuff is petty or looking to be difficult, must have partners who would just put the bloody washing on. Or check if there’s milk (and replace it). Or would organise dentist appointments for the kids. Or just generally shares the mental and physical load of a household.

They’re not in a situation where they’ve found themselves saddled with all the work and have decided that, actually, they’re not going to take responsibility for the basic parenting of their partner’s children as well as shouldering all the parenting responsibility for their own child.

The clue is often (as in this OP’s case) a father who is reluctantly having to parent his children from a previous relationship, but still leaves all the basic stuff for the child(ren) he shares with his partner to her. But is still trying to hold her responsible for reminding him to do basic tasks for the only children he bothers his arse for.

Then why choose to have kids with a man who is already a lacklustre father? I don't get that.

Pinkplasticbathcup · 07/04/2023 22:47

In all honesty I really think that you should just all be a family. So put the washing in one big basket and you and DH share the job of laundry 🤷🏻‍♀️ job done

EasterEggBunny · 07/04/2023 22:48

thegrain · 07/04/2023 16:17

If its just one load a fortnight why isn't he doing it?

Seriously why are so many posters telling me to do more housework!

Show quote history

They're probably men. Ones who don't do any chores and would like to keep it that way.

Morningcoffeeview · 07/04/2023 22:48

CornishGem1975 · 07/04/2023 22:44

Then why choose to have kids with a man who is already a lacklustre father? I don't get that.

Show quote history

Problem is like many women they were mis-sold. So it wasn’t a conscious choice.

BlueBunting · 07/04/2023 22:49

Ask him in all seriousness who reminds you to do the washing for your children, and if he needs reminding maybe it’s worth a visit to the GP if there is something majorly wrong with his processing.