The great washing debate - should I have reminded him?

[thegrain]

DSC have their own separate washing basket. Reason for this being it is easier to make sure it's all done before they are back again (here every other weekend and half holidays). Also DH is responsible for their washing. I for some reason am responsible for our shared DC's washing but that's probably a subject for another day!

Anyway. They are due here tonight. The washing has not been done. I noticed it was full last weekend but frankly am fed up of telling DH what basic parenting tasks need doing so I just left it and assumed he would notice. He's now all a flustered and asking why I didn't remind him! My response was why should I.

Anyone else got a lazy arse husband?

If its just one load a fortnight why isn't he doing it?

Seriously why are so many posters telling me to do more housework!

It's only washing, I never get the hoo-ha on Mumsnet about doing the laundry. If it needs doing, just do it.

@CornishGem1975

And yet, and yet, it's always the woman in a hetro relationship who would end up just doing it.

Imagine a man just getting on with it, not forgetting etc. nowadays, I'd find that very sexy. Sigh.

If it's only one load a fortnight wtf isn't he capable of doing it? The op isn't being petty, her dh is, he's a fully grown adult who's capable of reproducing with several women - so he's capable of remembering to pop a load of washing on once in a while.

Not taking on responsibility for all the ‘wife work’ is not some petty thing that women are just being difficult about.

As for the ‘I hope the children feel welcome you evil witch’ crap… sigh. They’re his children. If they feel unwelcome because their dad can’t be arsed to look after them, let’s not blame the woman he lives with.

I wouldn’t remind him either. Or be in any way happy about the assumption that it was my job to remember.

I was furious with my H (who I don’t live with - because of many things to do
with his terrible attitude) last weekend for similar trying to make his parenting my responsibility.

He wanted to go for a day out involving me and our DS. For context, it’s important to remember that the default situation there is that he’s excluding my older DS and expecting me to hang out with his DC (because he wants to go somewhere with no public transport and his car isn’t big enough for 6 passengers). I agreed to go only because my DS had no interest in coming and had made plans with his friends anyway.

His daughter has dietary requirements and he didn’t know if there’d be anything for her to eat. I completely refused to take responsibility for this. Then it turned out that he wanted me to make a packed lunch for his daughter, just in case. I said that if he can’t be arsed to make her a sandwich, he’ll just need to take his chances and maybe she’ll just have to eat fruit. To which he replied ‘noted’ (in an ‘I’m your boss monitoring your performance’ manner).

Now, all the usual types will try to make out that I’m evil for not having swooped in to make a child a sandwich. But her own father couldn’t be bothered to (a) defrost some bread to make her one, (b) buy her something in a shop on his way to pick us up, or even (c) phone the attraction and ask them if they have suitable food. I am not taking on responsibility for his parenting. It’s not my job. I didn’t even suggest defrosting his bloody bread or going to a shop (just said ‘if you want s packed lunch, you should make one’) because I am not even willing to take responsibility for thinking this stuff through for him. He’s a grown up
with a responsible job; he can figure out how to ensure his own child eats lunch.

It’s not just a sandwich or a load of washing or even just a reminder. It’s actually refusing to be the one held accountable for his responsibilities. It’s a problem with his general attitude. (And that is why my H is just H - no dear involved - and we do not live together).

For the sake of one load a fortnight, he can just do it and stop being so useless. Useless dads who can’t sort out their own life and want to blame everyone else

@SquidwardBound You absolutely get it!

At the moment he isn't saying he wants me to do it. He accepts its his role to do it. So why would I go ah you're useless so I'd better do it? Do I not have enough on my plate.

Similar to @SquidwardBound we went out to eat the other week and I got asked before we went "do you think there will be anything DSD1 will eat?" I mean how would I know better than him?! He has Google. He knows his own daughter better than me presumably.

Sadly @thegrain i get it all too well.

It’s a shame I didn’t get it in about 2018.

It's not always. It's not in my house anyway!

I'd be questioning my choice of husband if it was.

I can not get over the he does his washing i do mine and the DCs.

All washing goes in one laundry basket whites and coloureds and gets wshed together by who ever gets their first. 'i do tend to do the washing but the flip side to that is i never do the bins. He does bathrooms and I hoover.

Should we separate the SDCs rubbish and get him to put that out aswell?

Seriously petty divisions of labour. DP has 3 DCs i have 2 - really not worth the aggro - I iron for no one - they do it and some of mine tbf.

It’s not sexy for a man to do laundry, it’s just normal to a lot of us. That’s why I find this sort of thing so enraging and baffling. If an adult can hold down a job and choose to keep creating children they are capable of sorting out laundry. It’s beyond ridiculous anyone, whichever sex they may be, needs reminding to do basic household tasks, least of all which involve keeping their dependent offspring in clean clothes.

Die on this hill OP, it’s a slippery slope otherwise.

I thought this too. Some people love a battle 😂

If you can see a job needs do and you have the time, why not just do it?

Yes exactly, why didn't DH just do it, why does he need OP to see his job needs to be doing and point it out to him like she's his manager?

If you can see a job needs do and you have the time, why not just do it?

because then the other person never does it, and it’s just another thing dumped on OP

I don't get why it doesn't all just go in the same wash basket?
My DSD puts her things in the same basket that we all use, it's washed with our stuff (whether I do the wash or DH does, although usually me) and it goes in her room for putting away.
Only difference is, I put our child's clothes away but DSD does her own when she gets here (die to her being older than our DS).
Surely your washing is done regularly enough due to the size of your family (you mentioned shared children) that your stepchildren's clothes would be washed soon enough?

Christ I bring the tea towels home from work and throw them in with my washing because I thought ''my washing machine is going on anyway". I never for one minute thought it was 'extra washing', apart from having to separate them and put them in my bag to take back to work

A part of life in a serious relationship, once out of the honeymoon phase, is tackling your partner's annoying habits so you don't have to be irritated by them for the rest of your life. It's not "picking fights", it's dealing with things you shouldn't have to put up with indefinitely.

Of course you shouldn’t remind him! Do you remind him to wipe his arse too?

We have the same thing in our house. I used to go around getting the food in/charging the iPad (my kids don’t use it)/changing sheets. Now I don’t bother. If DH puts the sheets in the wash I do put them in the drier (he would never do this) because it feels petty to ignore them and leave them damp, although he should be able to arrange that too.

Yes, read the OP. People on here are so desperate to make the stepmum look bad.

I do a load of washing a day for my DC in the winter, then EOW wash 4 sets of bedsheets which is 2 loads and dry and fold those. I can’t stand the bastard washing I’m not volunteering to do anyone else’s.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, I think most people who honk this stuff is petty or looking to be difficult, must have partners who would just put the bloody washing on. Or check if there’s milk (and replace it). Or would organise dentist appointments for the kids. Or just generally shares the mental and physical load of a household.

They’re not in a situation where they’ve found themselves saddled with all the work and have decided that, actually, they’re not going to take responsibility for the basic parenting of their partner’s children as well as shouldering all the parenting responsibility for their own child.

The clue is often (as in this OP’s case) a father who is reluctantly having to parent his children from a previous relationship, but still leaves all the basic stuff for the child(ren) he shares with his partner to her. But is still trying to hold her responsible for reminding him to do basic tasks for the only children he bothers his arse for.

Yup 🙌🏻
If the burden of the joint children was shared it wouldn’t be a big deal. But when you’re shouldering the burden another load of washing is a big deal!

Yes. And the reason that there is a separation in child-related duties is that the man is not pulling his weight.

It’s not a difficult wife. It’s not an evil SM determined to make his children unwelcome.

It’s a father who is only doing anything for some of his children because he can’t pass the work on to a woman. Note he hasn’t decided that he’ll just do all
the washing since he’s got to sort his older children’e stuff out. Instead he’s complaining that his wife didn’t do all the thinking for him so that he actually remembers to give a shit about his older kids having clean clothes.

Let’s stop blaming the woman who has set some boundaries and blame the man who doesn’t pull his weight.

Another great point @SquidwardBound

🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 this with fucking bells on