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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

233 replies

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:09

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice!

My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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CC4712 · 08/03/2023 09:16

What is your partners solution? Its his daughter! Do you plan on moving or could you rearrange rooms and split the larger room in half? Could you covert a garage?

A 12yr old sharing with a baby is not ideal, even worse with a teen and a toddler!

CC4712 · 08/03/2023 09:17

Would something like this work?

Brunilde · 08/03/2023 09:20

I don't know why this is always an afterthought and not arranged before deciding to have another child.

Not a good idea at all to make a nearly teen share with a baby. I would look at any and all other options before this.

If you really have to then the baby doesn't have a clue so I would keep the room the same as much as you can so stepdaughter doesn't feel pushed out.

And work on getting another bedroom ASAP because a teen should not be having to share with a toddler. Imagine a 16 year old sharing with a 4 year old!

Original poster

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:33

I have been wanting to move and buy bigger but obviously these things do take time! I’m 26, have worked since I was 15, always worked and have rented since 17 but was finally able to get onto the property ladder a couple years ago. That being a 2 bed with the amount I was able to save.

I understand some people on her are going to be quite opinionated with this matter. I always want to make my Step daughter happy, hence why I’m asking for advise… I’m not going to move my daughter into that room until she’s 1 and abit and by that time I’m hoping I can Move. Also to just reiterate, my SD comes round for 2 nights every 2 weeks.. I didn’t think it would be that big of an issue??

OP posts:

Brunilde · 08/03/2023 09:50

It is that big of an issue to her. Its her room and its always been her room, the number of nights she stays isn't relevant. If you really want the best for her don't try to minimise the impact this may have on her. You cannot just decide to have another child and give them her room or takeover a large chunk of it because she only stays 2 nights. She will probably have all sorts of difficult emotions to deal with after her dad has had a new baby with someone else. Not saying he doesn't have the right to do this but you will have to work very hard for her to feel part of your family rather than an outsider.

And for me that would mean putting her feelings ahead of what you as a new mum want for your baby. It's natural you want to create a lovely room for your baby, but they will not care.

familyissues12345 · 08/03/2023 09:56

I agree with @Brunilde , please try not to minimise how hard this will be for her. 2 days a fortnight, 2 days a week, this is her home with her Dad. She shouldn't be made to feel unreasonable for being upset about it.

However, how do you solve it?! I don't know. Have you any other space that could be used?

Have you spoken to your SD?

familyissues12345 · 08/03/2023 09:58

That's a cool idea that @CC4712 shared! Is the room big enough for something like that?

JeimeHonfUcoim · 08/03/2023 09:59

why is this your responsibility? what is your step daughter's dad doing? is he a cocklodger who found a nice financially-solvent doormat to freeload off? your description of your financial and property history makes it sound like its all been you doing the heavy lifting, is that so?

for the next 3 years, the 2nd bedroom can be your child's room for 12 nights per fortnight, and on the 2 nights you SD comes to stay, the baby/toddler can sleep on a mattress in your bedroom.

that 3 years is your SD's dad's deadline to get his act together to contribute enough into the family finances that you can have a 3 bed house. if he can't do that, chuck him out and he can go and freeload of his mum/some other dupe instead.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:02

A 12 year old is not going to want to share with a toddler.

I think your going to have to move toddler in with you when SD is here and then also make sure SD has somewhere safe to keep her things.

In about 3 years time SD might decide she can't be arsed to visit so much. But yeah I agree with PP by then her dad needs to have sorted this.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:03

CC4712 · 08/03/2023 09:17

Would something like this work?

That top bunk looks so uncomfortable. The mattress is so thin

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:03

And imagine being able to hear someone snoring just beneath you

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 10:07

I disagree with the majority. If you can’t afford to move then eventually they will just have to share.

There is clearly no malice involved here and it’s the simplest solution. When you tell her remind her that it’s a temporary solution until you can afford something bigger

at her age I can imagine she is happy seeing her friends most nights and that will only increase from here on in

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 10:09

What’s your partner suggesting? He’s the father of both the kids.

Side point but did you really get together with him when you were 16 and he already had a 2 year old? That’s quite something.

excelledyourself · 08/03/2023 10:09

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:03

And imagine being able to hear someone snoring just beneath you

Like any bunk bed?

excelledyourself · 08/03/2023 10:10

That top bunk looks so uncomfortable. The mattress is so thin

I'm sure that mattress isn't mandatory.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:11

excelledyourself · 08/03/2023 10:09

Like any bunk bed?

Show quote history

Yeah I guess but 12 is too old for bunk beds

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 10:11

I think it's too big an age gap to expect them to share. Keep baby in with you for another couple of years.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:11

excelledyourself · 08/03/2023 10:10

That top bunk looks so uncomfortable. The mattress is so thin

I'm sure that mattress isn't mandatory.

Any thicker and there be no room to get out etc

toomuchlaundry · 08/03/2023 10:12

@JeimeHonfUcoim they got together when she was 16, assume she wasn’t financially solvent then!

davegrohll · 08/03/2023 10:14

A teenager can't share with a toddler. Just keep the baby in with you for the next couple of years while you sort out getting a bigger place

CwmYoy · 08/03/2023 10:16

The SD will surely have realised she will have to share.

She's only there two nights a fortnight so of course half the room should be converted for the baby.

People assume she'll be precious about it but I think she will understand.

AlwaysLatte · 08/03/2023 10:21

I think I would try to zone the room, with two different areas but when your SD is with you, move youngest in with you so they're not literally sharing. Also have really nice but lockable storage for the oldest so that the youngest is safe from small things and the oldest's things aren't interfered with.

AlwaysLatte · 08/03/2023 10:23

Or can you you zone your room? You'll be using a cot then toddler bed for ages, could you make a really nice little cosy area for that?

PeekAtYou · 08/03/2023 10:25

You make it sound like sd is being unreasonable not to be keen. Sharing with a baby means being woken up early and not being able to use the room at night/lunchtime because her sibling is sleeping.

I would use the room for your dd 12/14 nights but have her sleep in your room on the nights that sd stays. (I'm assuming that a cot would fit)

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:25

CwmYoy · 08/03/2023 10:16

The SD will surely have realised she will have to share.

She's only there two nights a fortnight so of course half the room should be converted for the baby.

People assume she'll be precious about it but I think she will understand.

It's not precious for a teenage girl to not want to share a room with a toddler. This isn't a one off holiday. This is her room and she's being expected to give up her privacy for the sake of a child she might not have that close a relationship with as they don't see each other often

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