Page 5 | Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

Netmu · 2023-03-08T09:09:44+00:00

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice! My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

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Sugarfree23 · 08/03/2023 14:30

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 08/03/2023 14:07

It genuinely blows my mind how many people there are on here who think that HALF the bedrooms in this house should stay empty for most of the time when there is a child living there 100% of their time who doesn’t have a room of their own. Of course they share.

Exactly nuts to suggest the LO shouldn't have a room.

The only down side to the girls sharing is older one doesn't really have anywhere to hang out or do homework when the LO is sleeping.

Which for one night a week isn't a huge issue or she could hang out in the parents room but then she is there to see Dad so maybe it's not a bad thing if she's sort of forced into the living room and only using the bedroom to sleep.

Yousee · 08/03/2023 14:30

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:25

It's not precious for a teenage girl to not want to share a room with a toddler. This isn't a one off holiday. This is her room and she's being expected to give up her privacy for the sake of a child she might not have that close a relationship with as they don't see each other often

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If that's the attitude then I'll remix it for you - I'm not convinced the baby should be expected to not have even a share of a room in their mother's own home that they live in 100% of the time for the sake of a child they might not have that close a relationship with as they don't see each other often.
Honestly, what alot of crap. If the SD is made to feel like The Priority and the new baby the poor relation that can just be stuffed in any old corner then the relationship is doomed from the start anyway.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2023 14:36

JeimeHonfUcoim · 08/03/2023 09:59

why is this your responsibility? what is your step daughter's dad doing? is he a cocklodger who found a nice financially-solvent doormat to freeload off? your description of your financial and property history makes it sound like its all been you doing the heavy lifting, is that so?

for the next 3 years, the 2nd bedroom can be your child's room for 12 nights per fortnight, and on the 2 nights you SD comes to stay, the baby/toddler can sleep on a mattress in your bedroom.

that 3 years is your SD's dad's deadline to get his act together to contribute enough into the family finances that you can have a 3 bed house. if he can't do that, chuck him out and he can go and freeload of his mum/some other dupe instead.

Tbh he found a 16y yo girl, so probably still living at home with her parents.

OP is it both yours home or just yours? You're talking about what YOU can afford and what YOU need to do. Does he take an responsibility?

Tbh she lives 5 minutes away and isn't interested in seeing her dad more than 4 days a month, so I'd be very mindful of upsetting the applecart and pushing her away totally.

If you're hoping to move soon, I'd keep DD in with you if there's room. She only needs a toddler bed, her Dad could speak to her about storing some of her sisters clothes in her room if that space is an issue.

Yousee · 08/03/2023 14:37

Chimna · 08/03/2023 13:38

Ofcourse it does. Because if the mother acted the same way then SD would barely have a room at all. What's to stop the mother saying I'm having a new baby go live with your Dad full time if it's OK for Dad to do that?

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In fairness, it might be that if they were receiving instead of paying maintenance they could afford a third bedroom 🤷‍♀️

Chimna · 08/03/2023 14:38

Yousee · 08/03/2023 14:30

If that's the attitude then I'll remix it for you - I'm not convinced the baby should be expected to not have even a share of a room in their mother's own home that they live in 100% of the time for the sake of a child they might not have that close a relationship with as they don't see each other often.
Honestly, what alot of crap. If the SD is made to feel like The Priority and the new baby the poor relation that can just be stuffed in any old corner then the relationship is doomed from the start anyway.

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But babies don't care about sharing a room with their parents and OP has said she is saving up for a bigger house.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/03/2023 14:39

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:30

Don't be silly. 1st child trumps child of 2nd family every time as they were there first. Limited food - feed the 1st born and let the 2nd go hungry...

(Sarcasm)

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You say sarcasm but I swear some people would agree.
Well if yo u wanted to feed your child you should have thought about that before marrying a man with children.
Well if you'd wanted your child to have clothes to wear you should have thought about that before choosing a man with kids!!

Only on MN do I see people so dismissive of the subsequent children

amiold · 08/03/2023 14:42

@SleepingStandingUp haha you are so right! They think dads should bankroll the first mum and leave them and any subsequent children destitute

"Oh you can only save one child from the burning house.."
"Ah well, first child it is. To hell with the additional children!"

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 14:43

But babies don't care about sharing a room with their parents and OP has said she is saving up for a bigger house.

They're already 10 months old, their time of being a clueless baby is nearly up.

Sugarfree23 · 08/03/2023 14:46

Maybe the mum and partner would like their room back to themselves without risking waking the baby.

I'm assuming the couple are a similar age he was maybe 17 when he had his child. It does happen.

Yousee · 08/03/2023 14:50

Chimna · 08/03/2023 14:38

But babies don't care about sharing a room with their parents and OP has said she is saving up for a bigger house.

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Babies don't, my 6 month old still shares with us. However, he has a cot ready for him in his brother's room for when he's ready to move in there . And all his stuff is already in there. He actually occupies space in his own home, even though he is a mere baby, and a 4th born to DH, no less.

Bepis · 08/03/2023 14:56

Why do people think kids need their own rooms? I shared growing up and so did my girls. It's not going to harm them.

Sarain · 08/03/2023 14:58

I'd just keep the baby in with you the few nights SD is with you but redecorate in a way that allows SD to keep her things out of reach of the baby.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:00

Bepis · 08/03/2023 14:56

Why do people think kids need their own rooms? I shared growing up and so did my girls. It's not going to harm them.

Did you have a 12 year age gap with your roommate?

Reugny · 08/03/2023 15:01

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:00

Did you have a 12 year age gap with your roommate?

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I sometimes had a bigger gap and shared with more.

Why?

Bepis · 08/03/2023 15:02

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz There was 5 years between my sister and I so when she was a teenager, she still had an annoying little sister round her ankles.

It's just how it is, most kids don't get their own room, this is only a more recent phenomenon.

Nanny0gg · 08/03/2023 15:02

CwmYoy · 08/03/2023 10:16

The SD will surely have realised she will have to share.

She's only there two nights a fortnight so of course half the room should be converted for the baby.

People assume she'll be precious about it but I think she will understand.

Why will she?

Has anyone sat down with her and tell her what their plans are? And how she fits into them?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:02

Just doesn't seen fair on a 12yo to have to share with a baby. They have different sleep habits. Imagine being 12/13 and not being able to have listen to music or have the light on to study or read in your room because the baby goes to sleep at 7?

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 08/03/2023 15:04

toomuchlaundry · 08/03/2023 10:12

@JeimeHonfUcoim they got together when she was 16, assume she wasn’t financially solvent then!

Wow very judgmental

Bepis · 08/03/2023 15:04

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:02

Just doesn't seen fair on a 12yo to have to share with a baby. They have different sleep habits. Imagine being 12/13 and not being able to have listen to music or have the light on to study or read in your room because the baby goes to sleep at 7?

You wouldn't have music on in the house once a young child went to bed anyway I wouldn't imagine. Other child could spend time downstairs once younger one has gone to bed.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 15:04

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:02

Just doesn't seen fair on a 12yo to have to share with a baby. They have different sleep habits. Imagine being 12/13 and not being able to have listen to music or have the light on to study or read in your room because the baby goes to sleep at 7?

So, what, the younger child should have no bedroom so the older one can listen to music?

Reugny · 08/03/2023 15:06

OP it is your house.

Your step-daughter lives 5 minutes away and has decided mostly to stay at her mother's home.

Decorate the room so 2 children can share so don't make it babyish and ask your SD for input. (Oddly some secondary school children are very good at interior design particularly choosing patterns and colours.)

Also do it so your SD stuff can be put out of reach of your DD, while your DD's stuff can be packed away.

When your SD stays over if your DD doesn't sleep through at night then bring her into your room.

Sugarfree23 · 08/03/2023 15:07

Bepis · 08/03/2023 14:56

Why do people think kids need their own rooms? I shared growing up and so did my girls. It's not going to harm them.

I think people are being realistic that a 12 year old and baby sharing isn't ideal.

Baby wakes and parents need to enter the room not ideal for the 12yos privacy. Baby will be in bed early evening so no where for 12 yo to hang out / watch rubbish on TV/ do homework. Makeup and other girls stuff with a toddler in the same room.

But it certainly makes more sense for them to share than for the room to be empty while the other 3 are squashed in the same room.

It may make some sense for the parents to use a sofa bed while the girl had their room since it's really only the odd night she stays.

Reugny · 08/03/2023 15:09

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:02

Just doesn't seen fair on a 12yo to have to share with a baby. They have different sleep habits. Imagine being 12/13 and not being able to have listen to music or have the light on to study or read in your room because the baby goes to sleep at 7?

My sisters studied when I was asleep in bed. (Though the light being on gave me an excuse to read in bed when got 7) They used headphones if they wanted to listen to music. Unfortuntely they weren't the nice blue tooth wireless ones you get now that you see people wearing on public transport.

GotABeatForYouMama · 08/03/2023 15:10

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:02

Just doesn't seen fair on a 12yo to have to share with a baby. They have different sleep habits. Imagine being 12/13 and not being able to have listen to music or have the light on to study or read in your room because the baby goes to sleep at 7?

If the older one wants to listen to music, there are these marvellous things called headphones....all the rage nowadays apparently.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 08/03/2023 15:13

GotABeatForYouMama · 08/03/2023 15:10

If the older one wants to listen to music, there are these marvellous things called headphones....all the rage nowadays apparently.

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No need to be a dick. It's restricting that's all. With such a big gap. I'm not anti sharing. Just don't think it's fair for the 1yo and 12yo to share.

Just my opinion.