Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

[Netmu]

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice!

My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

This!!

The 12 year old doesn't have more of a right to a bedroom than the baby. (Who won't be a little baby for much longer.)

They both have equal rights. The 12YO might be really understanding of the matter but everyone's jumping the gun and expecting a child to sleep on a mattress on the floor when there is a perfectly vacant room available which is only occupied 4-6 days a month..

Ludicrous. Welcome to MN OP!

Yeah I later changed my mind. I completely did a 180! I think baby should get own room and OP can share with baby and dad on sofa when DSC comes so she can have the double bed.

I know right. It's like.. sorry you have a kid but you should have thought about that first. Tough shit that they are here now. I mean how does that help anyone?

Meh, at 12 they're old enough to know what Dad did to make baby sister. I'm not sure at 12 I'd be wanting to sleep in the bed Dad did rude things with step Mom in, and having to live out of a bag as Al lthe drawers are full of the adults things. It puts her firmly in "guest" territory.

She needs to share with her sister until they can afford to move.

TBH she has a number of options here, all of which are short-mid term as she has said she may move to bigger house.

1. SD daughter shares with LO when they arrive- this is where I'd be cautious about her feeling pushed out
2. Her and her husband give up room to SD when she's there and share with LO stay in lounge. I appreciate people will come crying "it's her house why should she" but kids come first imo.
3. SD keeps room, baby uses it and bunks in with parents when she stays
4. Ask SD which of the above she prefers. She may surprise you? She might offer to sleep on sofa bed, or graciously insist you should keep you room. Alternatively if she is hurt by this you have an opportunity to discuss, compromise and include her.

SD stays over a couple of nights a fortnight, it’s insane to leave the room just for her. SD may even been quite understanding

In the interim, they can ‘timeshare’ with the room. Baby in the room when SD isn’t there and then back in with you when she is. It’s a short term solution of course, but baby won’t really care about having her own space for a few years yet.

I don't think it's fair on the LO to get kicked out their room for sister. What sort of message is thar sending to LO?

It makes more sense for sister to either have the parents room or share with LO.

I would work on the principle that they are different sexes and the legislation says they should have separate rooms.

(Even if they are the same sex)

The NSPCC advises that all children over 10 should have their own room whether they are step-children or not.

In addition from the law (if the children are different sexes) and the NSPCC's child welfare advice, you would be causing obvious distress and resentment to the older child by taking her room away and giving it to the younger one after all these years.

I understand the financial realities of the situation but I don't think you have enough bedrooms for the children you are responsible for, and will have to convert, extend, or move.

There are siblings who live together full time and still share. And no they won’t always be close in age. My next door neighbour’s eldest dd is 16 and shares with two sisters aged 11 and 6. So quite an age gap between the eldest and youngest.

I’m not sure why OP shouldn’t be able to make do with the space she has either? Sometimes moving isn’t the answer, and keeping a room free for the majority of the time certainly isn’t the answer either.

Just to clarify: the legislation only applies to different sexes but I would apply it as best practice even if they were the same sex.

That she's only there 2 days a fortnight?

The NSPCC advice is great and all but if you don't have enough rooms what are you meant to do?

You could ask the step child how she would feel about the toddler sleeping in her bed when she isn't there until you are able to move, but I don't think you can make them share.

Could you and your DH move into that room and divide your (presumably the biggest) room with a plasterboard wall to make them a room each?

That also has the potential to upset the older child though if they get a smaller, less nice room?

When we had to do that we let the eldest have the pick of the rooms and to decorate it how they wished to soften the blow of it being smaller.

We couldn't afford to move again until I went back to work after Mat leave.

Well wouldn't we all if we could afford it. Not everyone can convert, extend, or move.

We converted the biggest room into two small bedrooms when we knew we couldn't afford to move until some time after I came off maternity leave.

Friends of ours moved into the dining room to leave the bedrooms intact.

Ideally we'd all move into bigger places before the next baby comes but it doesn't always work out like that.

It doesn't matter the sd is only there a couple of days. She should be able to feel just as at home at her dad's house as she does at her mums. This attitude is why a lot of kids end up drifting away from their fathers as they don't feel welcome in their own home. It's not her fault OP and the dad were irresponsible and had another kid without considering where they would sleep. Too many people think they are entitled to reproduce without any thought of their responsibilities.

Yes siblings sometimes share but anyone who says a step sibling relationship with such a large age gap is fine are kidding themselves. And the ones who suggest SD doesn't need a room as she can stay at her mums or choose not to visit her dad are despicable.

She won't ever feel the same way about somewhere she only stays for 2 days a fortnight.__

Once the baby is actually there there is a reality to the situation which cannot be ignored. And that reality is she does not need that room as much as a child that lives there all the time does. She can still share it, but she cannot have it to herself anymore.

You cannot raise children based on vague moral principles instead of practical reality.

She might not but they should be doing their best to make her feel as at home as possible. That's on them.

@aSofaNearYou
Well wouldn't we all if we could afford it. Not everyone can convert, extend, or move.

I know, but you do your best, right?

We put up a plasterboard partition and new doors in our old room and moved our double bed into a 6'6" by 7' box room and had a wardrobe on the landing so ours could all have their own rooms.

It's not her fault OP and the dad were irresponsible and had another kid without considering where they would sleep. Too many people think they are entitled to reproduce without any thought of their responsibilities.

They have thought about it. They’ve done what millions of other parents have done, and said they can share. The baby isn’t a threat to the sd whatsoever. Even if the baby was a boy. If anything the age gap makes it even easier for them to share.

Fair enough, that was your choice. But you can't really say it's essential all parents make that choice when the rules you were quoting only apply to opposite sex children. I wouldn't move mountains and inviting permanent inconvenience (like adults sharing a box room and having a wardrobe on the landing) to avoid two same sex children sharing, especially when it's only for a very small amount of time so they don't really need to be spending much time in the room. I didn't spend all my time in my room as a teenager and given how rarely she visits her dad, not the end of the world to spend it in the living room.

Weighing up which is more of an issue for the people involved, it wouldn't be the decision I'd make.

I don't think it should be a big deal for them to share. Lots of children have to. If you only have two bedrooms then there is nothing no choice.
It's possible to give each of them their own space in the same room

.

and the legislation says they should have separate rooms.
There is no law that says children can't share a room in their own home!
I think you are referring to rules for social housing, and the bedroom tax.

Not necessarily. My 12 year old would LOVE to share with her toddler niece if it was just a couple of nights every couple of weeks. Probably not ideal if it was every night, but this isn't...
Maybe you could ask your SD what she thinks would work well?