Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

[Netmu]

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice!

My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

My 2 year old son has a room that he sleeps in, but really doesn't do much else in and isn't decorated for him because we are going to renovate soon. I think maybe put the cot in, but have little one in with you when she stays and otherwise don't change the room very much - it honestly doesn't matter until they are older than 10 months and it is really nice for a teen to have a space that is theirs, esp with a new sibling around

Maybe have a cot on wheels that you can move out for 2 days out of 14. So not a big issue? You can store all the baby stuff in there out of sight, but it will look like the SDs room when she's there. Baby can sleep in the living room for 2 days or with you?

I agree about zoning the room somehow. Look on Pinterest for some ideas. Of course it’s not a great situation with that age gap, but also not idea to have the baby/toddler in with you for years because of two days a fortnight. And to begin with your baby can move back in with you for those two nights.
obviously a bigger place or converting an area of your house to a third bedroom is the ideal solution, but that involves a lot of expense!

Yes I noticed that, really not getting a very nice picture of your DP.

She might not like it but realistically she will just have to share. We used to live in a two bed and move DD back in with us when DSS was here, but we moved to a three bed when she was less than one. I wouldn't use this solution once the baby was old enough to understand, so wouldn't still be doing it by 3 or 4 as people are suggesting. From their perspective it will be their room too, so I wouldn't be booting them out.

The age gap is too big.
If you do this chances are your SD won't come at weekends and her relationship with her Dad will suffer.
At 12 it really won't take much for her to feel pushed out unless she is totally on board with sharing the room in some way.
Could the room be split? Or is it big enough to be your room and you split the bigger bedroom somehow? It's only for a few years potentially and maybe you might be able to move or possibly convert attic space?

Whose house is it you usage that you saved but what about your partner

LOL at people suggesting three people should be crammed together in one room so that precious SD doesn't have to share four nights a month.

Nothing surprising for MN but still entertaining.

Meanwhile, in the real world... Yes, she will have to share. At least between the time baby has outgrown being with you, OP, until such a time as you can afford a bigger house.

I feel like it's a very MN thing to be precious about sharing rooms. I shared with my brother until I was 13/14 (he is 6 years younger), I only stopped sharing because my older brother left home. Guess what, nobody died and nobody was traumatised.

In this case it's not even full time. Yes, I understand SD may have complex feelings about being pushed out but that's for her dad to discuss with her at length so she understands the constraints of reality.

And the baby absolutely should have part of the room decorated for them. I sniggered when someone suggested the OP should put SD first - before her own baby - wtf ?!! Whatever happened to treating all children fairly ? Well, only when it advantages SD I guess.

OP, you're going to have to reorganize that room to accomodate both SD and baby. I would suggest doing it with SD if she is amenable - this is the opportunity for her to have a voice about how to do this in a way that's least disruptive to all involved. Obviously, not if she is stropping and refusing to be involved, but if she shows a minimum of good grace that's the opportunity for her to also redecorate how she likes her half of the room.

Go back to when you were a teen and try to imagine your dad and step-mum forcing you to sleep with a toddler. Feels pretty awful, doesn't it?

A baby / toddler really aren’t going to care about their room. I’d perhaps have your dd share the room with your dsd for stuff, toys etc and keep your dd sleeping with you for the time being. Then when she’s old enough to go into a proper bed, I’d do the room divide upthread if you haven’t managed to move on.

So he just moved in with you ,took over one of your bedrooms for his child ,and is now leaving you to sort out what happens next with your dd bedroom..
the step daughter will be absolutely fine sharing a room with the baby ,she only comes over a couple of times anyway
she has her own room at her mums house
why does she need two bedrooms,and your daughter gets no bedroom?
this is your house ,so your dangers the room
if her dad doesn’t approve he’s free to rent something bigger so his daughter gets her own room .
I suspect he won’t though ,he has his feet to firmly under your table .
your house ,your daughter gets the bedroom
pits up to him to sort out his daughter

What choice do you have? None, I don't see how it's a dilemma.

They'll have to share a room. She might not like it, but like millions of siblings before her she'll have to suck it up.

In a perfect world every child would have their own room, I guess, but that's a very privileged position. Children all over the world share and survive just fine.

Incidentally- did you get with her dad when you were 16? You said 10 years and you're only 26?!

They've been together for 10 years and she says "we moved into this house a couple of years ago" so I don't think he has moved in with her.

Oh come on, I bet the answers would be different if OP was talking about her DD instead of a SD.
So let’s imagine: family with a 12yo at boarding school who comes back 2 weekends a monts + baby. Would people really say that the baby has to sleep on a mattress in the parent’s bedroom when the DD is home? Or just as most families do: if no other bedroom available, same sex children can share.

For 4 nights max a month? Doesn’t feel awful to me. And no more or less annoying than having to share with a sibling closer in age.

It would be better to keep the baby in with you until you can get another bedroom. It’s not fair to make a teenager share with a toddler.

What if that takes years? How long should the baby be expected to not have a bedroom because a teenager simply can't share?

When OP was a teen she was dating a single dad ....

Where do these additional bedrooms appear from? Some people already live in the best house they can afford.

I think she probably has to share but I do think it likely that she'll come over even less often and overnight visits will probably trail off as she hits her early teens and doesn't want to spend a weekend stuck sharing with a toddler and no private space at all. Not ideal but I guess life sometimes is not.

I kind of assumed they'd be making it a priority over like holidays and stuff but yeah good point we don't know how long it will take. Poor baby needs space too probably once they start primary school.

Assuming you don't move, to me the obvious solution is that you move baby into SD's room (try to avoid too many toys etc in there) and baby bunks in with you and your DP on the weekends when SD is there so she still has her space. But my very first step would be to talk to SD and ask her what she thinks would work for her. You never know she might surprise you and be up for sharing!

By the time she's about 14/15 I expect Dsc will come less often too. If you've got a good college near you then she might stay more but ime at about that age they start to want to do stuff with their mates from school more.

I don’t think it’s good for the baby’s sleep routine to switch rooms. If it works with the space, I’d put a double bed in the teenager’s room, make the main bedroom into the baby’s room. Adults sleep in the teenagers room most nights with their clothes and possessions stored elsewhere, and in the living room when she is visiting. The people with the agency in the situation should be the ones inconvenienced.

oh dear. I have 3 children sharing a room at the moment and considering house prices in my area have increased by over 50k in the last 1-2 years, I think moving isn't going to happen.

Op you're not unreasonable, what's unreasonable is you having an empty room for a child that loves there 1 day week or less. while leaving your other child without a bedroom at all.

I wouldn't move baby into own room until they are 3 ish though, so stepdaughter would be 15/16 and hopefully moving out sooner rather than later and staying over less (sleepovers with friends) this issue will resolve itself due to age difference

Put the baby's cot in SD room but leave nappy change, clothes etc in your room until you see how they get on. Be prepared to have little one in with you when her sister is staying.
They might get along fine, however, always have at east half a room entirely for SD and teach baby to respect her big sister's things.
If you are living in a two bed forever then think of giving the DDs the biggest room to share.