Page 9 | Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

Netmu · 2023-03-08T09:09:44+00:00

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice! My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

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BeesOnLavender · 18/03/2023 13:31

This is such a non-issue. The world doesn't revolve around DC. The 12yr old can't always have her own way or have everything kept the same. She's going to have to share with the younger one. 12yr old already has a bedroom - at her mum's. The one at her dad's is a temporary room for her for a few days a fortnight in what used to be the spare room. The resident DC needs that room now and the whole room should be decorated for them, it's their room not the 12yr olds room. There is no spare room now for the 12yr old to take over and have to herself and that's just life. When she stays, she shares with her sibling and sleeps in her siblings room.

TBH it's just not going to be a problem soon. The relationship is clearly such that she only sees her dad when she has to. She lives 5min away and you never see her in between the EOW formal access arrangements. As soon as she's old enough to have a say in things, which will be in a year or two, you'll not see her at all

bellsandwhistles333 · 18/03/2023 14:10

Maybe move your child in but the 4 nights a month SD stays can the cot only come into your room so she gets the private room back for a couple of nights?

Queen1753 · 18/03/2023 14:31

I get the impression that neither YOU nor your husband will be getting up when baby screama and cries at night it will be the 12yo who has school and other activities than being the live in babysitter that you need.

WHY would this thought even cross your mind if you didn't have room for another child? WHY would you oust her from HER ROOM to add a baby?

Your baby should not be sharing a room with a 12yo.

Bepis · 18/03/2023 14:34

Queen1753 · 18/03/2023 14:31

I get the impression that neither YOU nor your husband will be getting up when baby screama and cries at night it will be the 12yo who has school and other activities than being the live in babysitter that you need.

WHY would this thought even cross your mind if you didn't have room for another child? WHY would you oust her from HER ROOM to add a baby?

Your baby should not be sharing a room with a 12yo.

Why would a 12 year old expect a whole room to themselves for only 4 days a month? She has her own bedroom at her mums house which is 5 minutes down the road. She could essentially go home to sleep.

Also, why should OP not have her own baby?

hourbyhour101 · 18/03/2023 14:34

Queen1753 · 18/03/2023 14:31

I get the impression that neither YOU nor your husband will be getting up when baby screama and cries at night it will be the 12yo who has school and other activities than being the live in babysitter that you need.

WHY would this thought even cross your mind if you didn't have room for another child? WHY would you oust her from HER ROOM to add a baby?

Your baby should not be sharing a room with a 12yo.

What a weird thing to think ?

Would you assume the same to happen in nuclear families when kids of this age range share ?

Or is it different... Because your reading from a fairytale 😵‍💫

Would you say that to nuclear families who go on to have siblings? If not then you have massive issues

NotAMom74 · 18/03/2023 18:05

Another alternative is to put the baby in the livingroom. Does the house also have an attic or basement that can be converted into a bedroom? As she is rapidly entering her teenage years, she might be open to a bigger space. She needs her own space. Also, there needs to be a serious family discussion with all the parents concerning this problem. Expansion before having another baby would have been ideal. Considering you have worked since you were 17 (you're 26 now), I'm surprised you don't have enough for a down payment on a bigger house. What areas are you looking at to buy in? There may be decent houses that are bigger outside that area. This is something that needs everyone involved, including your stepdaughter.

Coffeepot72 · 18/03/2023 18:34

Would you assume the same to happen in nuclear families when kids of this age range share ?

In a nuclear family, everyone just gets on with it, no drama required …

TrudyProud · 18/03/2023 18:46

NotAMom74 · 18/03/2023 18:05

Another alternative is to put the baby in the livingroom. Does the house also have an attic or basement that can be converted into a bedroom? As she is rapidly entering her teenage years, she might be open to a bigger space. She needs her own space. Also, there needs to be a serious family discussion with all the parents concerning this problem. Expansion before having another baby would have been ideal. Considering you have worked since you were 17 (you're 26 now), I'm surprised you don't have enough for a down payment on a bigger house. What areas are you looking at to buy in? There may be decent houses that are bigger outside that area. This is something that needs everyone involved, including your stepdaughter.

I have to assume that you are of the generation who bought houses for £5k and 120% mortgages so are completely ignorant to the modern day.
The fact OP has even been able to buy any property at 27 with no help is an amazing achievement. Most 20 somethings won't be upgrading to a 3bed house. Let's be honest there are plenty of people in their 30s who can't afford to!

If you have nothing helpful or nice to say .... just say nothing.

TrudyProud · 18/03/2023 18:49

I say this because of your username @NotAMom74 - presumably you were born in the 70s or are in your 70s either way you've benefited greatly from purchasing houses for pennies and selling them for 50x more

bringincrazyback · 18/03/2023 19:59

TrudyProud · 18/03/2023 18:49

I say this because of your username @NotAMom74 - presumably you were born in the 70s or are in your 70s either way you've benefited greatly from purchasing houses for pennies and selling them for 50x more

The sentiments here and in your other post are pretty ill-informed.

I was born in 1967 and I have never been in the position you describe, nor has anyone I can think of.

NotAMom74 · 18/03/2023 22:54

All i was trying to say here, before some people got angry, is that it sounded to me like both the current relationship and the house purchase were rushed. While them being "five minutes away" is VERY convenient, they did not really take consideration the possibility of a baby (planned or not) making it quite inconvenient for the older daughter to come visit when visiting from university. Just because a child turns 18, doesn't mean they can automatically move out and find their own space. What if now, because of the baby, he can't afford to help pay for her college. If she's able to get a full scholarship, then that alleviates most of the financial burden. I know that housing is expensive right now, but it also depends on where you are trying to move. The story didn't say specifically where they lived (at least from what I remember), but some states have more choices in real estate than others. I would need more information to assess what could be done. It also sounds like the husband is a bit older as he has a 17 year old daughter. Is his credit score so bad they couldn't have gotten something slightly bigger, at least by one bedroom? Even if it was a little further away than 5 minutes. There's a lot of information missing from this story.

TrudyProud · 18/03/2023 23:08

@NotAMom74 OP partner has a 12yo DD not 17.
OP started dating her partner at 17 - she is now 26! OP having a newborn doesn't seem rushed (planned or not).

There is nothing wrong with children sharing and ultimately OP shouldn't have to put her mothering dreams on hold because of a step child and the lack of an extra bedroom.

TrudyProud · 18/03/2023 23:11

@bringincrazyback all things being equal whatever you paid for your house 20-30 years ago doing exactly the same job now you couldn't afford it.

That was simply the point I was making- granted my percentage increase multiple may have been hyperbole,

MoreSleepPleasee · 19/03/2023 01:08

You really need to move you op.

SNA1226 · 19/03/2023 09:32

you invite her over all the time but she doesn’t come…you really need to look at everything you are doing. Honestly It sounds like you are pushing her out and even tho she’s there for only 2 nights it’s ridiculous that you would use that as support for them sharing a room.

I hate to be this way but I wouldn’t want to come over either

bringincrazyback · 19/03/2023 10:13

TrudyProud · 18/03/2023 23:11

@bringincrazyback all things being equal whatever you paid for your house 20-30 years ago doing exactly the same job now you couldn't afford it.

That was simply the point I was making- granted my percentage increase multiple may have been hyperbole,

Point taken, but please bear in mind that a lot of people born in the 60s and 70s (myself included) have bought property relatively recently - we didn't all buy our homes decades ago and I think most of us are aware of the realities of the housing market today.

Reugny · 19/03/2023 15:45

SNA1226 · 19/03/2023 09:32

you invite her over all the time but she doesn’t come…you really need to look at everything you are doing. Honestly It sounds like you are pushing her out and even tho she’s there for only 2 nights it’s ridiculous that you would use that as support for them sharing a room.

I hate to be this way but I wouldn’t want to come over either

The SD comes to see her father not the OP.

Maybe instead of sticking the knife into the OP you should ask her why her SD doesn't want to see her father.

19lottie82 · 21/03/2023 22:22

I (F) was 9 years older than my half brother and had to share a room and bunk beds with him 2 nights a week until I moved out when I was 18. It wasn’t ideal and of course I would have loved my own room but my Dad and DSM couldn’t magic up a bedroom out of thin air……. Amazingly neither of us grew up with any lasting scars because of it!

LSALLEN68 · 27/03/2023 01:31

I see nothing wrong with them sharing a room. My older sister and I shared a room. When our baby sister came along she moved into our room as well. My mother and her 4 siblings all shared the same bed! It will not hurt them. Good grief!

EMBEmommy2023 · 31/03/2023 01:38

My thoughts exactly! Also ,how old is he? She never mentions that

Codlingmoths · 31/03/2023 01:56

Of course it might be hard for her, but that’s what siblings do. I have two that share, I can’t see what other options there are? You make her aware by saying soon baby will be big enough to share with you!! And get her input on set up for baby.

Kittyeatsplants · 03/04/2023 20:59

Would it be possible to put a small bed in your room? My son had this issue, a two bedroom house for three kids, and they way they solved it was to put a small bed in the room with them. That way baby is not in bed with them, but they aren't taking invading the space of their other children.

Sugarfree23 · 03/04/2023 21:35

@Kittyeatsplants are you nuts 3 people squeezed in one room so the half sister can rock up ever other weekend and claim her own room.
The children should share and be equals in the Dads house

Yousee · 04/04/2023 05:35

That way baby is not in bed with them, but they aren't taking invading the space of their other children
Invading the space? Charming way to refer to a child but if we are going there then I'd argue it's the children who don't actually live there "invading the space" of the child who does live there.

thegrain · 04/04/2023 06:29

Yousee · 04/04/2023 05:35

That way baby is not in bed with them, but they aren't taking invading the space of their other children
Invading the space? Charming way to refer to a child but if we are going there then I'd argue it's the children who don't actually live there "invading the space" of the child who does live there.

That's a good point.