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Original poster

Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

233 replies

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:09

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice!

My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

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GotABeatForYouMama · 08/03/2023 12:21

They will just have to share. To PP's saying it's the SD's home, hate to break it to you but it's also the baby's home. Why should everything revolve around a child that is only there 4 nights a month?

Wnikat · 08/03/2023 12:23

I would keep all the babies stuff except the cot in your room. Put her cot in your stepdaughters room, and the baby can sleep in there 12 nights a fortnight. If you have a travel cot baby can sleep in that in your room when your stepdaughter is there, or just move the cot back to your room.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 12:24

GotABeatForYouMama · 08/03/2023 12:21

They will just have to share. To PP's saying it's the SD's home, hate to break it to you but it's also the baby's home. Why should everything revolve around a child that is only there 4 nights a month?

It's both of their homes. I expect the DSD will prefer to stay at mums soon enough though and maybe visit once a month or something. That will be much easier then so hang on in there OP

Wnikat · 08/03/2023 12:25

The baby won't care where her stuff is or what room she is in for a good couple of years yet

Spanielsarepainless · 08/03/2023 12:27

My two cousins had to share. I dare say the elder had her nose put out of joint when younger sister moved in, but she got over it. SD has two bedrooms, your baby has none.

Bepis · 08/03/2023 12:32

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:33

I have been wanting to move and buy bigger but obviously these things do take time! I’m 26, have worked since I was 15, always worked and have rented since 17 but was finally able to get onto the property ladder a couple years ago. That being a 2 bed with the amount I was able to save.

I understand some people on her are going to be quite opinionated with this matter. I always want to make my Step daughter happy, hence why I’m asking for advise… I’m not going to move my daughter into that room until she’s 1 and abit and by that time I’m hoping I can Move. Also to just reiterate, my SD comes round for 2 nights every 2 weeks.. I didn’t think it would be that big of an issue??

2 nights every 2 weeks? The bedroom hardly gets used then. We have a similar situation at our end and step son is going to have to sleep downstairs when he stays over due to no room. We have people that live here full time that need the rooms (due to illness they can't share), so needs must.

custardbear · 08/03/2023 12:32

That bedroom picture at the top of the threat can be sone really well by a decent builder, adding an extra door if possible too so each child looks like they get their own space.

If you and your husband have the bigger room, swap over so the children get more space to create something.

Be really careful about the DSD as even though she's only over a few days every two weeks, feeling shoved out can have really bad affects

Ottersome · 08/03/2023 12:36

Some of these responses are ridiculous.

OP, they will obviously need to share a room at some point given your set up. The baby can be with you for a while yet but in the mean time start having discussions with SD to prepare her for the baby moving into the room when the time is right. I would try to involve her in planning how the room will be set up for both of them, that way she won't feel pushed out as she'll have been part of it all and had a say in the decision. You could search for layout ideas together with her on Pinterest and just make sure she's involved in it all.

Chimna · 08/03/2023 12:45

I would hold off on moving baby until they are around 2 and hope you've saved enough to move by then.

if not by that point baby is less likely to disturb SD and baby can have a little bed rather than SD sharing a room with a cot. Decoration is much more important to SD than a toddler so don't change that. Although I don't know how it would logically work, my toddler and 6yo go to bed at 7 and would be disurbed by someone coming into the room later.

I agree with PPs that this is something you should have considered for before getting pregnant.

Sugargliderwombat · 08/03/2023 12:51

Op is it just your house? Or did OH buy with you?

Hangryasfuck · 08/03/2023 12:52

SD lives 5 minutes away. Why does she have to sleepover at all?

For context my stepfather has rooms for his kids when he lived 200 miles away but when he moved a 15 minute drive away from them he didn’t. There was simply no room.

Frankly they preferred visiting and going home in the evening. The youngest was about the same age as your SD. Given SD doesn’t want to visit much in between perhaps she prefers her own house.

Get a sofa bed for occasions her mum is away.

You say you get on with the ex and SD - discuss it with them.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 12:53

Hangryasfuck · 08/03/2023 12:52

SD lives 5 minutes away. Why does she have to sleepover at all?

For context my stepfather has rooms for his kids when he lived 200 miles away but when he moved a 15 minute drive away from them he didn’t. There was simply no room.

Frankly they preferred visiting and going home in the evening. The youngest was about the same age as your SD. Given SD doesn’t want to visit much in between perhaps she prefers her own house.

Get a sofa bed for occasions her mum is away.

You say you get on with the ex and SD - discuss it with them.

Maintenance, so mum can go out etc?

Whiteroomjoy · 08/03/2023 12:56

I don’t really get this in terms of the response of lots of poster

. If the daughter was their daughter and not a step daughter with limited overnights, most families wouldn’t be bending over backwards to appease the older child. It’s tough on them, but it is the only solution . Parents already sharing room. Other room needs to be shared now there is another child.
cant help thinking this is a lot of fuss over the step relationship, and “poor little Cinderella thinking”, rather than the practical arrangements that have been done for centuries as new babies come along . We can’t all afford to have 1 child one bedroom. It can be managed with some creative thinking and an attitude of “well tough.” The people here saying they shouldn’t have more than one child if only one bedroom need to give their heads a wobble. Pregnancies are not always planned. And if it was, it is perfectly acceptable for the OP and partner to have a child together.

stop pandering to the elder child - if you make it an issue of “oh but she will be upset” it will be an issue. No children really like sharing, yep it isn’t ideal, but needs must and she’ll, like huge numbers of siblings before her, will just have to suck it up and adapt.

Sugarfree23 · 08/03/2023 13:03

Bonkers suggestions that the baby should sleep in your room so SD can have a room to herself.

What makes more sense is 2 yo has the bedroom.
You and DP on a sofa bed and SD in your bed for the odd nights she stays over.

aSofaNearYou · 08/03/2023 13:06

Poor baby needs space too probably once they start primary school.

I couldn't leave it that long personally. My DD is 4 and has long since been intelligent enough to notice if she didn't have a bedroom but DSS who visits EOW did. It's a potentially very damaging message to send, surely more so than the message of having to share your bedroom.

Zola1 · 08/03/2023 13:10

To be fair, my 12 year old would prob love to share with our 2 year old as she adores her. But i think it would be stressful for my 12yo as she likes to be a little mum to the baby...as well 2yo goes to bed 7pm wakes up 6am and also wakes up shouting about various things during the night, 12yo likes to spend time time her room, listen to music, talk on the phone, wake up about 9am at the weekends, and use a starry nightlight etc which would disturb the baby. I don't think it would be practical.

gogohmm · 08/03/2023 13:10

Yes they need to share, end of. If step child really objects they can either return to their other house to sleep (very close so feasible) or look into a sofa bed. Put the onus on the older one deciding the solution if they refuse to share (which is the obvious solution)

ancientgran · 08/03/2023 13:10

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 10:02

A 12 year old is not going to want to share with a toddler.

I think your going to have to move toddler in with you when SD is here and then also make sure SD has somewhere safe to keep her things.

In about 3 years time SD might decide she can't be arsed to visit so much. But yeah I agree with PP by then her dad needs to have sorted this.

That depends on the 12 year old and how the toddler sleeps. My youngest was 11 when my first DGC was born, he often stayed with us and 11 year old was more than happy to share his room.

FUSoftPlay · 08/03/2023 13:13

Quitelikeit · 08/03/2023 10:07

I disagree with the majority. If you can’t afford to move then eventually they will just have to share.

There is clearly no malice involved here and it’s the simplest solution. When you tell her remind her that it’s a temporary solution until you can afford something bigger

at her age I can imagine she is happy seeing her friends most nights and that will only increase from here on in

Agree. It’s such an overreaction for two nights a fortnight.

Bepis · 08/03/2023 13:23

gogohmm · 08/03/2023 13:10

Yes they need to share, end of. If step child really objects they can either return to their other house to sleep (very close so feasible) or look into a sofa bed. Put the onus on the older one deciding the solution if they refuse to share (which is the obvious solution)

Completely agree. I'd have the bedroom for new baby with a bed in for stepdaughter to sleep on when she stays (if there's room).

Doesn't make sense to use a bedroom for someone who stays 1 night a week and then someone who lives there full time has no room.

amiold · 08/03/2023 13:23

Obviously in the minority but they'd have to share in my house I'm afraid.

Twelve year old stays four nights a fortnight. Why not more? Is this to give her mum a break? Probably going to be less going forward if so.

Your child lives with you and should be your priority. It's her only home. SD will have her space at her mums, your child will have their own space at yours. I would absolutely not be holding my child back to appease someone else's. Sorry but I wouldn't. The suggestion of your child sleeping on a mattress on your bedroom floor is grim and I was shocked anyone would suggest a child should do that so an older child didn't sulk.

Typical Mumsnet thinking the "second family" should be worse off because god forbid anyone should move on and have more children 🤦🏼‍♀️

AliceS1994 · 08/03/2023 13:24

Going to stir the pot as a child from a broken home. It feels crap when you live between two houses and there are new children who live which each parent full time. You never feel like you're a priority, always get the box bedroom or have to share. Absolutely you have limited options and need to reach a decision that works for you, but please bear that in mind. I often read threads where the step children get such a raw deal and it breaks my heart.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 13:26

AliceS1994 · 08/03/2023 13:24

Going to stir the pot as a child from a broken home. It feels crap when you live between two houses and there are new children who live which each parent full time. You never feel like you're a priority, always get the box bedroom or have to share. Absolutely you have limited options and need to reach a decision that works for you, but please bear that in mind. I often read threads where the step children get such a raw deal and it breaks my heart.

What do you think OP and her partner should do?

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:27

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/03/2023 13:26

What do you think OP and her partner should do?

Show quote history

Yes would be good to hear your suggestion

FUSoftPlay · 08/03/2023 13:27

AliceS1994 · 08/03/2023 13:24

Going to stir the pot as a child from a broken home. It feels crap when you live between two houses and there are new children who live which each parent full time. You never feel like you're a priority, always get the box bedroom or have to share. Absolutely you have limited options and need to reach a decision that works for you, but please bear that in mind. I often read threads where the step children get such a raw deal and it breaks my heart.

It’s a bit of a raw deal for the resident kids not having a bedroom too?