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Original poster

Step-child Bedroom dilemma!

233 replies

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:09

Hi, this is my first time posting on mumsnet and looking for some advice!

My partner and 10 month old baby live in a 2 bedroom house. We moved in a few years ago, my partner has another child, my step-daughter (12yoa) who visits every other weekend. We five minutes away from my SD. But she only ever visits every other weekend, we do try to get her to come round more (I work from home) and we are always telling her to come over after school and stay over but she never does. Our babies cot is in our room with us, whilst my stepdaughter has the other bedroom decorated really lovely with all her things. I want to start moving my baby into the other bedroom and share with her sister, and make her side hers but I know she will be upset by this. I know she shouldn’t but not sure how to handle this. Any advise is really appreciated! For context I’ve been with her dad for 10years so we have a pretty good relationship and I really get along with her mum too.

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SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:30

FUSoftPlay · 08/03/2023 13:27

It’s a bit of a raw deal for the resident kids not having a bedroom too?

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Don't be silly. 1st child trumps child of 2nd family every time as they were there first. Limited food - feed the 1st born and let the 2nd go hungry...

(Sarcasm)

Chimna · 08/03/2023 13:32

amiold · 08/03/2023 13:23

Obviously in the minority but they'd have to share in my house I'm afraid.

Twelve year old stays four nights a fortnight. Why not more? Is this to give her mum a break? Probably going to be less going forward if so.

Your child lives with you and should be your priority. It's her only home. SD will have her space at her mums, your child will have their own space at yours. I would absolutely not be holding my child back to appease someone else's. Sorry but I wouldn't. The suggestion of your child sleeping on a mattress on your bedroom floor is grim and I was shocked anyone would suggest a child should do that so an older child didn't sulk.

Typical Mumsnet thinking the "second family" should be worse off because god forbid anyone should move on and have more children 🤦🏼‍♀️

But presumably it's also her partners home and both DC should be his priority and a home for both DC. What if the situation is the same at Mums house? She chose to have a baby with someone who already has a child, SD is not an old dog to rehome when a shiny puppy comes along.

Bepis · 08/03/2023 13:32

@SnowLemons I'm glad you wrote sarcasm at the end...I genuinely thought you were being serious 😂

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:33

Bepis · 08/03/2023 13:32

@SnowLemons I'm glad you wrote sarcasm at the end...I genuinely thought you were being serious 😂

Haha some people do genuinely think like that though. It's a bit scary

amiold · 08/03/2023 13:33

@Chimna child doesn't even live there. So no I doubt the other child will be prioritised for bedroom. Why would she be

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:33

Chimna · 08/03/2023 13:32

But presumably it's also her partners home and both DC should be his priority and a home for both DC. What if the situation is the same at Mums house? She chose to have a baby with someone who already has a child, SD is not an old dog to rehome when a shiny puppy comes along.

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The situation at mums house has shit all to do with it

Bepis · 08/03/2023 13:35

If there is limited room, I feel priority should go to those who live in the house. Those who don't live there will have their own room/space in the home that they do live in.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:35

Netmu · 08/03/2023 09:33

I have been wanting to move and buy bigger but obviously these things do take time! I’m 26, have worked since I was 15, always worked and have rented since 17 but was finally able to get onto the property ladder a couple years ago. That being a 2 bed with the amount I was able to save.

I understand some people on her are going to be quite opinionated with this matter. I always want to make my Step daughter happy, hence why I’m asking for advise… I’m not going to move my daughter into that room until she’s 1 and abit and by that time I’m hoping I can Move. Also to just reiterate, my SD comes round for 2 nights every 2 weeks.. I didn’t think it would be that big of an issue??

I've changed my mind - is this your house? If so then he needs to cough up for a room for his child. You've let him have a roof provided over their head. Has he paid you rent? Mortgage payments? Your child should have a room in the house if it's your house.

Chimna · 08/03/2023 13:36

amiold · 08/03/2023 13:33

@Chimna child doesn't even live there. So no I doubt the other child will be prioritised for bedroom. Why would she be

Well she does 4 nights a month. You don't get to sack off existing responsibilities as a parent when other DC come along.

amiold · 08/03/2023 13:36

@Chimna they're not sacking her off but saying she has to share. Needs must

ModeWeasel · 08/03/2023 13:36

Why are you not sharing with her while SD is over?

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:38

Ok radical alternative. DC gets a room. When DSC stays you move into DC's room. DSC gets your double bed and DP can sleep on the couch?

Chimna · 08/03/2023 13:38

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:33

The situation at mums house has shit all to do with it

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Ofcourse it does. Because if the mother acted the same way then SD would barely have a room at all. What's to stop the mother saying I'm having a new baby go live with your Dad full time if it's OK for Dad to do that?

spottydottyknotty · 08/03/2023 13:39

The baby has your room, you convert your living area (or dining room if you have one) into your bedroom even if that means investing in a decent sofa bed. IKEA do nice big ones comfy as a bed and sofa! Think we paid £240 for ours few years ago and used it as a bed for over a year and is currently in kids playroom as a sofa or guest bed

FUSoftPlay · 08/03/2023 13:39

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:33

Haha some people do genuinely think like that though. It's a bit scary

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They really do - it’s ok to say you felt shortchanged but in these situations nobody really wins, it’s the best compromise.

SnowLemons · 08/03/2023 13:39

Chimna · 08/03/2023 13:38

Ofcourse it does. Because if the mother acted the same way then SD would barely have a room at all. What's to stop the mother saying I'm having a new baby go live with your Dad full time if it's OK for Dad to do that?

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Then they are both cruel parents. But dad doesn't need to make up for mums short comings and mum doesn't need to make up for dad's.

Rockschooldropout · 08/03/2023 13:42

How big is the second bedroom ? Is it big enough for you and your partner to move into and you then divide the larger room into two ? I’ve had to do that a few times over the years . Alternatively if it’s feasible to section off the second room I would do that

MidgeHardcastle · 08/03/2023 13:48

Perhaps I live with in an alternate universe but I'm thinking SD would feel more part of the family if they shared instead of being kept separate at all costs. Think how she'd feel if adults were consigned to the living room every time she was staying over? Bizarre.

roarfeckingroarr · 08/03/2023 13:51

Your SD doesn't get to dictate the set up of your house, especially when she stays just 2/14 days. It's kind of you to think of her feelings but she doesn't outweigh the needs of the other 3 people.

The obvious solution is to share once your baby turns 1. Maybe take SD shopping for new bedding / bedroom decorations at the time so there's some benefit for her.

Nsky62 · 08/03/2023 13:53

Can you not get loft extension?

bringincrazyback · 08/03/2023 13:59

Nsky62 · 08/03/2023 13:53

Can you not get loft extension?

For a family member who is only there part-time and likely to be going her own way and visiting less in a few years' time?

Tacocatgoatcheesepizza · 08/03/2023 14:07

It genuinely blows my mind how many people there are on here who think that HALF the bedrooms in this house should stay empty for most of the time when there is a child living there 100% of their time who doesn’t have a room of their own. Of course they share.

FUSoftPlay · 08/03/2023 14:07

Nsky62 · 08/03/2023 13:53

Can you not get loft extension?

Cheaper to move.

Why not just go the whole hog and buy a manor. Rooms galore.

Nogreens · 08/03/2023 14:21

I'm not sure what people think other families in the same position do, whether blended on not. They share.

oneleggedspider · 08/03/2023 14:24

These responses are bonkers. And those telling you that you should have 'thought about it before you had another child' really need to give their heads a wobble. This is OPs first child of her own, was she supposed to just not have one at all unless she could afford another bedroom? Even though there's a room free for the majority of the time?! Kids all over the country are sharing rooms. Sharing with a younger child is potentially easier tbh than 2 similar aged kids who might not get along. Especially when it's only a few days a month.

Try and involve your SD in the design and decision process. Reassure her that she can still have her things at your house and that you want her to be involved with her new sibling.