Should we be paying this much maintenance?

[wallepaper]

Please don't flame me; I've seen other posters post similar and basically be told they're horrendous for being 'just the partner' and suggesting otherwise and that is essentially none of their business.
This is not something that I'm personally pushing but also something I don't have anyone else to seek opinions from, so just looking for opinions with no judgement!

DH has 2DC from a previous relationship (Y4 & Y9).
The weekly schedule goes as follows...
Monday - At their mums
Tuesday - At their mums
Wednesday - Their DM drops them off to school. We pick them up and they stay over.
Thursday - We drop them off to school, their mum picks them up.
Friday - Their DM drops them off, we pick them up to have tea with us and then drop them off.
Saturday - We pick them up at 10am for the day with us and to stay over.
Sunday - With us all day, we drop them home half an hour before their bedtime at 7.30pm.

He pays several hundred in maintenance on a monthly basis on a standing order.

The schedule never used to include them being with us essentially the entire weekend, it was always half the weekend. I never contested maintenance when this was the case.
However, we have had them virtually the entire weekend every weekend this year, which is when their several clubs are as well.

I've spoken to DH explaining that I think maintenance is too high for these circumstances given that we have limited spare to take them out to do exciting activities on the weekend, which to me is the predominant time with them.
DH counters that by saying they we have them less than half of the nights, so it needs to be that much.

Like I said, just looking for general advice without being flamed.
If the majority are looking from his perspective too then I'm not put out, I'm just generally curious on thoughts about it!

Exactly what I was going to say. Would make sense for them to stop over. I would also ask the question is it your partner doing all the driving to and fro the Mum's or does she do her fair share?

There are subsidies and there are hidden costs. Not being able to afford a family holiday when the ex can, not being able to afford to get stuff in the house fixed because the ex is getting more than she's entitled to. Not everyone has a joint account for bills even when they're expected to contribute equally, so struggling to pay bills because someone is being selfish. This routine has something fishy about it - what parent doesn't want their kids any weekend (the Mum in this case), all the while doing a 30 hour a week job? She seems to want to work a part time job and have her weekends totally free, not normal for a Mum. What about all the associated vehicle costs from ferrying the poor kids around to Mum's and the clubs - no mention of Mum doing the same.

But hey...she might be walking the streets of a weekend and might need the freedom, how would I know.

You also cannot discount the fact that people are people and spite, annoyance and bitterness are present in many divorce situations - many will be in a situation where a divorce wasn't wanted and OW or OM was involved and may now be the step parent too- This may not be the case here, but it frequently is and the residing parent doesn't usually feel like making life easier for the partner who has initiated the split or disadvantaging themselves financially to make life easier for the other person- I appreciate it 'should' all be about the children- but that often isn't what happens.

Good to know I'm not the only one to notice the kids batshit schedule.

If (or when) one or both kids are 11+ and in secondary school he needs to ask them what they want.

The question is impossible to answer OP because you haven't given how much he is paying or earning

Best if you give some indication of this

If he is paying several hundred he is earning several thousand at a guess.

@PinkSyCo what is several though?

Well quite. OP seems reluctant to answer that particular question.

The OP has every right to understand the situation regarding CMS and ask it in a forum free from judgement. She's made it very clear that she isn't questioning the EXW entitlement to it.

If she is in the step children's lives, it is very much her business.

If your DH and his ex sat down with a blank sheet of paper and looked at this again with a really honest view to what would be best for the children, how would it look? How would it look if the children set the schedule?

I bet there wouldn't be all this running around for 'tea'. Chances are it would be much simpler, and fairer.

The money is a red herring - your DH should fight for what is best for this children and the rest will follow.

It's none of her concern at all.

@KalvinPhillipsBoots

@MeridianB I completely agree with your point, but what’s best for the children is not necessarily best for the ex’s bank balance.

@KalvinPhillipsBoots how can this be none of the wife’s business?
Whilst of course the man should pay appropriately and be a decent father to his children, he can’t (and shouldn’t) have a significant chunk of his life that’s none of his wife’s business, that’s just impossible.

Anything that affects a man and his homelife also affects his wife.
Can you imagine the posts on MN if a step mother said the step children were none of her business, and didn’t cook meals, make domestic arrangements around them etc etc?

I am a stepmum but did not get involved in maintenance.

I never contested maintenance when this was the case I'm not sure that it has anything to do with you, does it ? @wallepaper

And why would he deserve it? How do you know the ex wife didn't cheat on him with 20 men? Guess that was all his fault? Or she couldn't control her spending and put them in perpetual debt leaving him with no choice - yeah his fault again, my bad.

You sound like a very bitter person.

@wickedstepmothfker I think you'll find they were being sarcastic

Doh argh my mistake sorry @FloydPepper

Op
yiu are getting a hard time because

you are the second wife
first wife is always right
first wife is never lazy/money grabbing/ messing with schedules to spite dad/taking the piss/ scheduling nights to maximise cms rather than actually looking at what’s best

as second wife you
must never comment
have an opinion
be involved with children
discipline children

until first wife wants to change schedule / wants you to babysit

in the real world you and your dh have absolutely every right to say this schedule does not work / is disruptive with kids with so much chopping changing/ and ask for better routine such as Friday through Monday eow plus one overnight a week plus half holidays - then pay cms based on that

if ex needs more money she could work full time

Why don’t you suggest a week
on and a week at other parents - 7 nights instead of 4?

I've read it as the kids are sleeping at yours 3 nights( Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday)? If that's true and not a typo then it is a lot of toing and froing for the kids. I'd be more concerned about that than the level of maintenance and would want to renegotiate the days to Saturday nightt, Sunday night and Monday night.

It tricky because his maintenance affects your family pot I'm assuming however as a blended family it's an expected expense. Maybe look at how you guys manage your joint finances and if it would be better to keep finances separate.

So you resent the money spent on them. Who buys their clothing? Takes off from work when they are ill? Pays for their activities.

YET ANOTHER ZOMBIE THREAD BEING RESURRECTED!

OP - did not post about the routine she posted about the monies and made snidey comments about the mother.

If she had posted the routine was hard on the DCS - ( which i agree on the surface is) but we have no context - how much, mums work - does this fit with shifts etc, where are clubs that they go to etc etc.

Not enough information to make an informed judgement - tone and approach wrong from the OP

This is a sensible view.

I'd start with the shonky schedule. Ask the DC what would work best for them, then DH discusses with ex. Then any review of maintenance comes from that.

Bear in mind the Weds night may get dropped as they get older and want less midweek disruption.

What happens during school hols?

THIS WAS 2022!!!