Should we be paying this much maintenance?

[wallepaper]

Please don't flame me; I've seen other posters post similar and basically be told they're horrendous for being 'just the partner' and suggesting otherwise and that is essentially none of their business.
This is not something that I'm personally pushing but also something I don't have anyone else to seek opinions from, so just looking for opinions with no judgement!

DH has 2DC from a previous relationship (Y4 & Y9).
The weekly schedule goes as follows...
Monday - At their mums
Tuesday - At their mums
Wednesday - Their DM drops them off to school. We pick them up and they stay over.
Thursday - We drop them off to school, their mum picks them up.
Friday - Their DM drops them off, we pick them up to have tea with us and then drop them off.
Saturday - We pick them up at 10am for the day with us and to stay over.
Sunday - With us all day, we drop them home half an hour before their bedtime at 7.30pm.

He pays several hundred in maintenance on a monthly basis on a standing order.

The schedule never used to include them being with us essentially the entire weekend, it was always half the weekend. I never contested maintenance when this was the case.
However, we have had them virtually the entire weekend every weekend this year, which is when their several clubs are as well.

I've spoken to DH explaining that I think maintenance is too high for these circumstances given that we have limited spare to take them out to do exciting activities on the weekend, which to me is the predominant time with them.
DH counters that by saying they we have them less than half of the nights, so it needs to be that much.

Like I said, just looking for general advice without being flamed.
If the majority are looking from his perspective too then I'm not put out, I'm just generally curious on thoughts about it!

What's several hundred? 2, 4 6?

Have you done the calculator to see what it says @wallepaper? Is he actually overpaying?

The problem now OP is that because you’ve been so vague about how much your husband actually pays in maintenance-which is really silly when your whole post is about whether the amount is fair or not-that when/if you do come up with the figure I, for one, will probably not believe you.

When would you like them to make cs payments fairer then, as you don't want them Friday night??

When I first met DH, he did a lot of ‘collect from school, have them for tea, drop off at home before bed time’ and repeat. I was convinced this was because the ex wanted the majority of overnights for maintenance purposes. But most of the running round fell to DH.

Quite by chance his work changed and all the evening driving around was no longer possible. However as far as actual overnights were concerned, it was still an EOW plus one midweek night arrangement. The ex tried to get more maintenance, but because the overnights hadn’t changed, she failed.

OP: "are we paying a fair amount?"

With plenty of info... other than the amount you're paying!

So impossible for anyone to answer your question really 😬

It all depends upon:
How much the man earns
How much he actually pays
Whether the kids are being fucked around unnecessarily.
Why the mother doesn't spend time with her children at weekends
Are these things to facilitate work/necessity/choice?

Both families need to support the children responsibly, and without playing silly games.
In this situation, the interpretation is impossible.

My stepmother always says things like. If we saw her then then I’d get no downtime….

kids know these things.

Nice distortion - as I'm sure you know perfectly well that is used mainly when talking about SAHPs or the parent who has sacrificed income to be the main child/home carer and is being kept short by the main WOHP.

The OP hasn't mentioned that they have shared children being kept short by this arrangement, or that the OP is being asked to contribute to DH's children. Just that they want DH to cut the payments he makes to support his children, who presumably existed before they married.

If the DH wants to change the practical arrangement he needs to discuss it with his ex. "it will create problems" is often the cop out way to say you don't actually want to change something. I don't actually see what is wrong with with the NRP paying a bit more than the minimum if they can - its no more than they would likely do if the relationship had lasted and it makes a pleasant change from NRPs trying to keep their own children short.

It would make far more sense to have them Friday eve - Monday school drop off every other weekend. Rather than this back & forth for tea & sleepover etc.

It's really nothing to do with you, he pays what he can for his kids. You have them 2 nights a fortnight, and that's how it's determined. Who pays for the clubs, school uniforms, etc? If your partner is comfortable with what he pays, I don't believe that you do have a say. If you're not comfortable with it, then thats a you issue. Do you combine finances? Do you go 50/50 on everything? Does what he pays towards his children affect you at all?

he is his dad. He is allowed to pay whatever he thinks good for his children.

Well your DH has been had by his ex here OP. Given that he seems to have the kids more than 50% of their awake time when they are not at school, he should be telling ex he's going for 50% custody and removing maintenance. Or he puts a stop to the teas and not sleeping silliness, especially on a Friday with every other weekend contact instead.

It's a bonkers schedule. Why have them Friday night just for them to go home to sleep and then come back the next morning? How is that best for the children? Surely it'd be more settled for them to stay Friday night til Monday morning rather then shuttling back and forth?

Exactly this.

It’s not about how little he can pay but how much he can support his children, surely?Situations like this are never fair for everyone. IMO here it’s the children who have drawn the short straw being trundled almost daily between homes. Unless it’s due to the mother working is there no way for their mother and your partner to each have them longer each time?

But then mum would get less money. It’s quite possible that’s why this isn’t “allowed”

Several hundred pounds a month isn’t a huge amount for a teenage and a year four child . About £25 a week each . What do you think would be a “ fairer “ payment OP?

Well your DH has been had by his ex here OP. Given that he seems to have the kids more than 50% of their awake time when they are not at school, he should be telling ex he's going for 50% custody and removing maintenance. Or he puts a stop to the teas and not sleeping silliness, especially on a Friday with every other weekend contact instead.

Yep

Of course it's relevant to the op. She'll be doing some (lets be honest for step mum's it's normally quite a lot) of the childcare and will be subsidising the shortfall in their home because step mum's always do. I don't see why if they are doing more than half the evenings they need to be paying the mum because they are technically sleeping at hers so what.. she can carry on working part time and having her weekends free? If the sexes were reversed people would be saying it was unfair.

Is that in the child's best interests though?

Your DH should be allowed to pay as much as he can afford and thinks is appropriate for his own children. I don’t think it’s something you get a say in unless it’s money you earned.

I don't get involved in how much maintenance by partner pays for his kids. I have no idea. I hope its plenty. I don't get any myself.

Its about overnight stays technically, it does seem like a lot of back and forth and it does look a bit like shes ensuring the correct no of nights to maintain the same amount of maintenance.

However, maintenance is also about who is doing all the life admin for the kids. Keeping track of school things, topping up lunch accounts. Doctors and dentists. Paying and organising for hobbies. Who buys all school uniform and clothes and pays for after school and breakfast clubs. Spellings, reading etc. if your partner is genuinely doing half of absolutely all parenting including all the non fun and grunt work he may want to raise it.

But it is his choice and he seems reluctant

@Theunamedcat i don’t think the current arrangement is great for the children? It must be really disruptive. I can’t see any adult being happy to live like that?

My god those poor kids being shuffled backwards & forwards like a relay baton 😕 They have a busier schedule than any adult I know