Should we be paying this much maintenance?

[wallepaper]

Please don't flame me; I've seen other posters post similar and basically be told they're horrendous for being 'just the partner' and suggesting otherwise and that is essentially none of their business.
This is not something that I'm personally pushing but also something I don't have anyone else to seek opinions from, so just looking for opinions with no judgement!

DH has 2DC from a previous relationship (Y4 & Y9).
The weekly schedule goes as follows...
Monday - At their mums
Tuesday - At their mums
Wednesday - Their DM drops them off to school. We pick them up and they stay over.
Thursday - We drop them off to school, their mum picks them up.
Friday - Their DM drops them off, we pick them up to have tea with us and then drop them off.
Saturday - We pick them up at 10am for the day with us and to stay over.
Sunday - With us all day, we drop them home half an hour before their bedtime at 7.30pm.

He pays several hundred in maintenance on a monthly basis on a standing order.

The schedule never used to include them being with us essentially the entire weekend, it was always half the weekend. I never contested maintenance when this was the case.
However, we have had them virtually the entire weekend every weekend this year, which is when their several clubs are as well.

I've spoken to DH explaining that I think maintenance is too high for these circumstances given that we have limited spare to take them out to do exciting activities on the weekend, which to me is the predominant time with them.
DH counters that by saying they we have them less than half of the nights, so it needs to be that much.

Like I said, just looking for general advice without being flamed.
If the majority are looking from his perspective too then I'm not put out, I'm just generally curious on thoughts about it!

It all goes off how many nights they stay at your house. So even though your dh is still parenting them by giving them their tea before going to their mum’s, getting them ready for bed before going to mum’s, having them for the day and then they go back to their mum’s etc… if they stay over with their mum overnight it pretty much cancels out what your dh has provided during the day and it doesn’t really matter. Overnights count.

They are at the mum’s 5 nights and with your dh 2 nights. That means he will be paying more in maintenance than he would if they stayed an extra night or two.

Pop the details in here: www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

Just your DH'S wage, not yours. See what it suggests.

If he's paying over and you don't have joint money and you're not subbing him to pay extra, then there's not much you can do other than show him the figure.

If it's coming out of joint money or you're subbing him so he can pay the extra, I would definitely have something to say about it.

He can decide how he spends his money, but he doesn't get to tell you how to spend yours.

What's the reason behind you having them so much at the weekend? Has his ex devised this arrangement to make sure the overnights are in her favour and to maintain the level of money he's required to pay?

@Doyoumind that would be my guess.

If he is happy with it then leave it alone he is allowed to pay above the bare minimum his kids his choice

Unless he and OP have shared finances and he’s expecting him to subsidise his ex.

*her

They only stay over two nights a week?

Maintenance is calculated based on nights per week, number of children and his income

without all those factors we can’t tell you if it’s too much

have you tried the calculator based on c100nights per year?

Why don’t they stay on Friday night ? Seems a lot of driving around

As above, it is worked out by your husbands wage and how many nights they stay with you. Staying for tea etc or taking them out for the day doesn't count.

If your husband earns a high salary it may be accurate even if they do stay over 2 nights a week.

Use the calculator to get a ballpark figure. If you pay a lot more than the figure states then it may be worth your husband renegotiating the figure with his ex, if you are finding yourselves stretched. If you are only paying a bit over then it may not be worth it

That's what I thought. What's with the faffing around. No point in dropping home on a Sunday eve at 19.30 it's a bit late for the youngest.

Weekends should be split equally though.

Why don't they stay Friday night?

Seems off they do Friday evening and then you collect them again Saturday morning every week.

Currently they stay at yours for 2 nights but 2 days and 2 after schools. This will work out better for the mum via CMS when all they are doing is sleeping in beds at hers! It's also quite disruptive for the children and means they never get a long lie in on Saturdays.

I'd add the extra night and if you think the amount isn't worked out correctly use the CMS calculator and if you aren't already paying through CMS suggest using this.

But as well as the maintenance you need an agreement about contributions to clubs. Who is paying for them if they fall at the weekends when you have them? Ensure it's agreed how uniforms are worked out and club kit etc. that all needs to be 50/50 above the basic maintenance.

I think fathers should pay an equal amount to the total cost of raising the children separately but they shouldn't be paying over 50% of the total costs regardless of where the children live iyswim?

I’d say it looks a lot like sending the dcs to their dad so nitbto have to do all the parenting during that time whilst still getting the maintenance because they still sleep at hers :(

I mean seriously the whole ‘you are having dinner at your dad p’ doesn’t make sense on the Friday when the dcs are dropped again the day after.
it also doesn’t make sense in the middle if the week.

UNLESS their mum is working etc… but I’m assuming this is not the case if the O.P hasn’t mentioned it.

She has no weekends with them?

Why don't they stay over on Friday and Saturday night. That is a lot of back and forth. They have tea with you Friday then just go home to sleep and then you pick them up again Saturday morning and then take them home again for Saturday night and then pick them up again Sunday morning. Do they have bedrooms at your house?

Even if mum is working it's not fair on the kids. I say that as a single mum too.

How much is he actually paying? Does seem like he is doing half the donkey work AND paying. Does he have guilt over leaving the relationship? I think some these arrangements are made when there is a lot of guilt being felt but when time heals these wounds and people move on the arrangements are never adjusted. Does the exw work on those evenings?

I'm sure the idea of them staying Friday too has been breached before but their DM has said that she likes Friday nights with them. This would unfortunately make me feel like I had no downtime over the weekend after working all week too.

@Cosycover only an hour on a Saturday morning and half an hour on a Sunday evening.

Why the F are you getting involved with what your boyfriend sends his ex to support their children? It's absolutely none of your business.

HNRTT but perhaps you're taking the hit because of the Friday and Sunday where you get the contact but the maintenance is driven by sleep. Being positive, this might have been a concession to increase contact time. Negative, you have the childcare and pay for what is in effect mostly a non-residential day for maintenance purposes. You'll recall what was said at the time and what might have been the thinking behind it. If you can manage the Monday drop off, the reaction to a request to discuss sleeping on those two nights to reduce the burden on the children might be interesting. Depends if you value contact, money or 'fairness'.

How do you think the kids feel about it? On the evenings they are with you after school do they feel rushed and what happens during the holidays? Is your DH expected to have them all day on the Wednesday Thursday and Friday?

none of us can comment on how much he is paying, they are his kids so that's kind of his job to negotiate with his ex what is appropriate, there's so much more to that arrangement including the earning power of your husband compared to his ex.....it sounds more like you feel the balance of them spending more time on weekends at yours is what has tipped it for you? Its whether you feel you can have an open and honest conversation with your DH about this. Spending time with their dad isn't about the kids needing to do "exciting activities", it's about maintaining an involved relationship with both parents. If it's not working well for you at the moment then that's what needs to be discussed as you are his wife and you both need to feel happy with the set-up..

roarfeckingroarr · Today 18:22
Why the F are you getting involved with what your boyfriend sends his ex to support their children? It's absolutely none of your business.“

This. If we had divorced with children of that age, my husband would have wanted to pay as much as he could. Unless your boyfriend is expecting you to contribute, it really is none of your business. His children come first, as they should.

@MrsSkylerWhite she's his wife, of course it's her business