Should we be paying this much maintenance?

[wallepaper]

Please don't flame me; I've seen other posters post similar and basically be told they're horrendous for being 'just the partner' and suggesting otherwise and that is essentially none of their business.
This is not something that I'm personally pushing but also something I don't have anyone else to seek opinions from, so just looking for opinions with no judgement!

DH has 2DC from a previous relationship (Y4 & Y9).
The weekly schedule goes as follows...
Monday - At their mums
Tuesday - At their mums
Wednesday - Their DM drops them off to school. We pick them up and they stay over.
Thursday - We drop them off to school, their mum picks them up.
Friday - Their DM drops them off, we pick them up to have tea with us and then drop them off.
Saturday - We pick them up at 10am for the day with us and to stay over.
Sunday - With us all day, we drop them home half an hour before their bedtime at 7.30pm.

He pays several hundred in maintenance on a monthly basis on a standing order.

The schedule never used to include them being with us essentially the entire weekend, it was always half the weekend. I never contested maintenance when this was the case.
However, we have had them virtually the entire weekend every weekend this year, which is when their several clubs are as well.

I've spoken to DH explaining that I think maintenance is too high for these circumstances given that we have limited spare to take them out to do exciting activities on the weekend, which to me is the predominant time with them.
DH counters that by saying they we have them less than half of the nights, so it needs to be that much.

Like I said, just looking for general advice without being flamed.
If the majority are looking from his perspective too then I'm not put out, I'm just generally curious on thoughts about it!

We pay £600 for one three year old with very very limited contact as court went entirely in her favour. You just have to suck it up unfortunately. Don't let it get to you and bath accept it for what it is. I know it's unfair. My biggest bug bear is that Dp pays tax and hands it over to mum who pays nothing on it (on top of universal credit, fiddling her hours, entitled to all kinds which we aren't due to saying she works less)

Is your DH happy with the current arrangement and does he pay for it out of his money without any subsidy from you? If the answer is yes then HE'S absolutely paying the right amount. If however you are also paying in some way towards the kids and you don't want to then you have a DH issue not a 'we pay too much for the DSCs' issue.

I think fathers should pay an equal amount to the total cost of raising the children separately but they shouldn't be paying over 50% of the total costs regardless of where the children live iyswim?

Definitely

I always find it Interesting when wife or partner number 2 makes a point on this- be interesting to see how they would feel if they were wife number 1 - I suspect then that they too may well be keen on maximising/keeping the status quo on the income coming in unless in A highly paid career on their own account. Whether that's fair or not is another thing - but given that a lot of women are in lower paid and part time roles to fit round families or caring-- it is what it is. It doesn't sound like he pays colossal amounts and probably earns a fair bit more than his ex does too.

Look - it’s truly impossible to say whether he pays a fair amount or not as we don’t know anything about the backstory or anything about his means, mothers means etc etc As pp have said - he does have them less nights etc

Regardless of that, what we do all know is
a) government suggestions on maintenance are BS when you’re the resident parent, so while they might be useful for checking you’re not falling below I wouldn’t give much further credence to them unless you’re on the breadline and have no choice.
b) if the situation with weekends has only arisen this year that means their mother has had them the majority of time a good few years prior to this (possibly nearly 10 years if they are now 9 and 14 and split when the youngest was small).

Regardless of the circumstances of the split and whether decent child support is being paid, being a single parent for so long is a punishing experience in many ways. If she is burnt out and needs some time at the weekends right now then so be it - she’s probably earned it.

My daughter (similar age to eldest) is often now at her dad’s at weekends. Only really since covid (before that she used to see him one day at weekends, rare overnights). I would much rather be able to do the fun stuff with her, instead of being the homework/music practice/showers/weekday routine police. I hate outsourcing the nice things. But I don’t have much in my tank anymore, I can’t afford activities right now and I feel she will get more quality time at her dad’s, who is less stressed, than I can provide at this moment.

If you don’t feel able to have them weekends every week maybe discuss this with your H, from the perspective of having some down time together without the kids rather than a monetary standpoint. Could every other week, or three weekends in 4, be just til Sunday morning for example.

Its easy to get into a “how dare he/she” mentality in these situations, but they are complex dynamics and raising happy, secure kids should be the end goal regardless of the ins and outs.

They are his kids and if their mum needs the childcare for work or just for her mental health right now, it’s right he steps up.

If this impacting how you live, other resident children, whether you can afford to turn the heating on etc then of course it’s fair to discuss if a more equitable arrangement can be made in terms of money and overnights. But if you aren’t being affected in these ways then I’d just be pretty pleased to be with a guy who treats his kids and his ex decently if I were you.

(Also I used to always have Friday nights with my DD and I really looked forward to that downtime with her, we had a “not a school night” routine and I wouldn’t have wanted to give it up. Then I had to give it up so 🤷🏻‍♀️ But can understand why she wants them home on a Friday night!)

Christ I hope my ex doesn't marry a woman like the OP. He pays more than the bare minimum plus half of childcare. Because he's a decent, loving father who doesn't see contributing towards his kids as a burden. We also have a great, friendly and flexible co-parenting relationship - good will goes far. New partners should really stay out of maintenance arrangements.

Also @Sugarplumfairy65 makes an excellent point here…………

Maintenance is for the children so the money needs to be where the children are IMO.
At the moment hundreds of pounds are being sent from House A to House B, while the kids spend most of their waking hours and eat most of their meals in House A. Bonkers.
Dad's money doesn't need to be spent via mum's bank account to count as him spending money on his kids. Some posters are quick to assume that money not sent to mum would just be hoarded rather than go towards meeting their needs at dads house.
That schedule makes me feel unsettled as a grown woman just imagining it, never mind two young kids carting about school work etc. How do they cope with it?

Maintenance is for the children so the money needs to be where the children are IMO.
At the moment hundreds of pounds are being sent from House A to House B, while the kids spend most of their waking hours and eat most of their meals in House A. Bonkers.

Yes, being awake is more expensive that being asleep!

My expenses are the same whether my dc stay at my exes or not. I still have to pay the mortgage and the bills. Sure food might be a bit cheaper, but not much. In this case, you only have them overnight once in the week. She has to do all of the admin, has them after school every day. It's hard to find work that fits in with this, that pays enough for childcare.

I actually think this is none of the OPs business. If you are unhappy about losing every weekend, then your partner needs to come to an arrangement whereby you have every other weekend, (which is more the norm).

in my case, it's more expensive being asleep.

Keeping a house and bedrooms and paying water, council tax, fuel, insurance etc for the house, is far more expensive than a few meals elsewhere. If my ex wanted to reduce maintenance, he will need to allow me to move house and reduce my bills and then have the children overnight more.

It's not really about you and your downtime, it's about the kids?

If you come back to answer the school holidays question op (and bear in mind that's about 14 weeks of the year, so over a quarter), please include who has them in the school day then, not just overnight.

I say this because when my ex and I sorted childcare arrangements, he had a Tuesday. And once we started he said 'so, I'll pick them up in my way home from work at 6pm then.' No, no you won't. You'll sort them at 3 from school and every Tuesday in the school holidays mate.

Keeping a house and bedrooms and paying water, council tax, fuel, insurance etc for the house, is far more expensive than a few meals elsewhere
If OP and her DH don't have a bedroom for the children, with all the same overheads as you described, then there is a much bigger problem here.

Keeping a house and bedrooms and paying water, council tax, fuel, insurance etc for the house, is far more expensive than a few meals elsewhere.

But the children's father has to maintain a house too!? I think people forget this

I can't actually believe the biases against the father in these posts, it's widened my eyes to the fact that step mothers and ex husbands don't have places on Mumsnet, aka the first wives club

Oh don't be silly - the OP has declined to answer questions about whether its the CMS calculated level (or more or less), just complained about the amount. The OP also complained that the DH declines to discuss it with his ex so like many posters here, they have a DH problem.

In general I'd agree that the position of stepmother in particular can be an invidious one (not just on MN).

Ultimately though, even that relationship, like the endless MiL posts, has more to do with the societal assumption that wives/women are responsible for all relationship management in families. If men were held equally accountable for family well being and relationships and child rearing we would see similar numbers of posts about step fathers.

I see the issue has being less about the money/amount, but about a routine that has the kids going back and to primarily to get some 'overnight sleeps' in without the daytime care.

I see the issue has being less about the money/amount, but about a routine that has the kids going back and to primarily to get some 'overnight sleeps' in without the daytime care.

@flowergirl2020 I agree

They don’t forget it, it’s just that as far as a lot of people on here are concerned, the father can live in a bed sit, he deserves it!

@FloydPepper agree. Some dads deserve a bad rep but the attitude of most on MN is concerning. They cannot separate their feelings , wants and needs from those of the child

My brother had similar issues with his ex. She reduced his over nights to get the most maintenance but he has them for more "awake" hours than she does. Feeds them and baths them before taking them home because mum "like to get them ready for school" ?!! So won't let him have them mid week overnight. They system is shit, but like your DH, my brother doesn't want to rock the boat as he know the ex will use the kids as a weapon. And before the MN mafia jump on, yes, there are a shocking amount of women who do this.

AppleDumplingWithCustard · Yesterday 19:50
MrsSkylerWhite · Yesterday 18:40
killerkweek · Today 18:31
@MrsSkylerWhite she's his wife, of course it's her business“

Unless she’s expected to contribute, no it isn’t.
But this is Mumsnet. Surely all money is ‘family money’ isn’t it? Or does that principle only apply when it suits“

His children are his family. Have been for much longer than his second wife.

there are circumstances where paying more than 50% may well be reasonable - a disabled child who needs 24/7 care, for example, will need a parent at home with them. Sure, it could be split between parents but that relies on both parents being able to get part-time work that pays sufficient for their household needs, assumes that the child can easily be transported between households, and that the needs of the child are such that the transportation between houses doesn't unsettle them. You do sometimes need to think outside the box a bit. Not every situation is the same.