Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

Oh god what a mess and a lot to deal with. I do think however that you should seriously consider doing this. Imagine the difference to both those children being able to stay together. I know home life can be difficult with so many kids and space but it would be so rewarding and I think if you can both bring yourselves to do it would be such a gift for your sd and her sister. Imagine growing up apart, imagine being the 4 year old and your sister has a proper family to go to and you don’t. Do you own your house or is there a chance if you take this on they could house you somewhere bigger? Would the payment for fostering perhaps mean your DH could reduce a few hours to be at home more to help?

Oh and I do think it was highly unprofessional for sw to discuss this around the children. Makes it very unfair as things aren’t always straightforward which children don’t understand. I think she was definitely out of order for that.

YANBU as you feel that you cannot meet the needs of this child as well as your own, and that your own children would be adversely affected by her moving in. Would you consider it if you could be offered a larger property as you might be asked this? You'd need to bear in mind that your 18yo might not be included in the rationale for a bigger home as she's an adult so be mindful of this.

I can understand why you want to put your own kids first…but I can also empathise with that poor little girl. But to be honest the girl might be better off going to a family with no other children so that she can get the love and support she desperately needs. Coming from an abusive household she will need a lot of nurturing. If you don’t think you can provide that, then of course it is your responsibility to be truthful and admit that. There should be no shame in saying you don’t have enough energy, the little girl deserves more.

Also, when they say “you’ll get paid” enquire as to what this amount is and get it in writing. Fully registered foster careers are paid ~£600 a week, they’ll try and put you down as a kinship carer and offer less than £100.

A good financial arrangement could make it a lot less stressful on your family, so definitely say no if they take the proverbial.

I'd do it but I'm not you.

I'd also tell the SW they needed to go to the housing panel and ensure you're adequately housed since you're already in a HA property and see about long term fostering for her so you aren't financially struggling with it.

I do think the SW was right to ask you to have the sister for tea once a week but I do agree asking you to step forward was mishandled.

If you don't feel able or want to do it then don't do it. But don't write it off just yet, see what support they could put in place for you all.

I think it will be vital for step ds’s long term wellbeing to maintain contact with her sister so it would be lovely if you can manage the dinners.

I assume in a year from now the two oldest may well have moved out?

Sw is very wrong to put you in this position!
You are right, you don't have the room, Your children that live with you are priority.
However, If the council and SS could guarentee me a bigger property, I might really consider it-Ideally, Your SD and her DS should be together and its a really sad situ the younger girl is in.
I hope it works out for you all, whatever way that is

The SW should have dealt with your husband. It's unfair putting you in this situation. Of course you've taken in your SD but a child you don't know, who is four, who's had trauma will be absolutely chaos. Poor girl.

They need to give the mum help to leave her partner and get off the drink. I assume the mum has no parents / siblings / extended family?

What an awful situation for you, your SD and her sister.

I think the teas are reasonable and for the wellbeing of DSD.

The fostering is a very big ask and should only be taken on if you are absolutely determined to make it work long term.

I would want to do it if I could. I would expect SS to access the funding to get me a bigger house, not give up space earmarked for my other children. Social worker sounds really unprofessional. I'd probably complain about the way she dealt with that tbh.

I would complain about the social worker putting you in that position frankly.

If you don't want to take on the responsibility then don't. Is it you specifically they want to foster her or your partner? What does he want to do - if he wants to take her in and you don't then he needs to find the solutions and that can't just be to leave it all to you.

Easy to say "I'd do it" when it's not you being expected to. OP already has a household of 7 in a 3 bed semi. I was one of 5 children growing up in a house like that - 3 girls in one room, 2 boys in another and parent and partner in the third bedroom. It's really not adequate!! We weren't all happily rubbing along either - relations were always strained and none of us are close now. Also OP's youngest has autism, it's going to be too much for her. Step daughter's sibling would be better housed with a Foster parent who has time and space for her.

Personally I would do it in a heartbeat. But yes I would want funding for a bigger property.

I think anyone who'd do it in a heartbeat is being very naive.

Absolutely, take the idea seriously and do your research, but a 4yo likely suffering trauma alongside her sister who will also be traumatised and another child with autism in an overcrowded house? You'd really need to understand what you're taking on to have any chance of it being a success and if it breaks down, you've traumatised the child again.

Plus there seems very little info on the husband's/father's stance on all this and what his contribution will be.

It's a huge ask. I don't know if I would agree. However your sd is that little girls only family now. So if you can find a way to do it you woukd be doing something amazing.

I'd report the social worker though

I would do it but I would make sure your husband knew it was ultimately his responsibility. You say he works all hours but he's at home sometimes and needs to take the lead on this when he's home. (working all hours seems to get men out of any child care responsibilities but not women). He needs to make sure you get some time alone with your children so they don't feel pushed out.

I completely agree with this.

It's a bit odd the SW just told you you could.
Surely you'd need to do the training and assessment etc..and you might not pass or be seen as best option.
Before asking you , I'd have though SW would need to suggest you thought about training etc
Plus surely the SW can't just let you pick up a four yr old and bring her back to your house without checks and DBS etc on you.
Sounds really odd to me however presuming SW did explain all this, I'd be doing it but definitely not kinship fostering and I'd be looking into housing requirements. SW seems to have failed to consider that.
My friend fosters and she has to be able to provide a separate bedroom for each child.

This is not just an ideal situation where a sibling child will blend in to your family and SS will just check in now and again .

I was a foster carer for my niece and had to complete many training and advice sessions, attend panels, paediatricians appointments, extra appointments with nursery, constantly liase with SS and parent over things like medical help if she had an ear infection etc because I had no parental responsibility (this was retained by mother and shared with social
Services).

This is not an easy thing to do at all and as much as an ideal situation would be for the two sisters to be together, you have a lot on your plate. I worked and had one autistic child and found it very difficult.
Also, they will say it's 6 months. But they go to court every 6 months or so and it just prolongs.

If the mother is not going to get the children back then realistically once the child is placed with you they may seek you to adopt her.

I agree. In honesty OP, I wouldn't if it would be to the detriment of my child.

The SW should not have put you on the spot.

However she is trying to look out for both girls at 4 there is a small chance she could end up being put up for adoption. That would mean the bond between the sisters could be broken.

You clearly have tons of experience with kids and are both good parents.

It would need to be a serious conversation including reviewing your housing situation. And ensuring that you are paid properly and not as a kinship carer.

SS should be dealing with your DH. This child is not related to you at all!

Post on the fostering board for more information OP.

In an ideal world, yes she would stay with her half sibling to reduce trauma, but it’s not like you have just your child with DH and your DSD - you have several older children and one with complex needs, and the 4YO is very likely to have complex trauma herself. Therefore she needs to be in a much smaller house hold.

”Not getting on with her foster family” - what the fuck does that even mean?!

Phone her up and say you cannot foster the child and you don't want to do the weekly visits. The child won't settle with foster parents without the better encouragement of SS.

Be very, very firm. I would complain to her boss.