Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

I (hypothetically) would take the sister

Would you?

Can I ask how you would sleep the OP plus her DH, 2 sons of 18 and 17 (one with TOF), a girl of 14, one 7 (with SEN) , the SD of 10 and the child of 4 in a 3-bed house?

You are not a bad person if you don’t do this. It would be stressful for all the children involved to be overcrowded and cared for by a woman pulled in too many directions.

Where is your husband?! He’s should be the one they’re talking to about these children.

SS worker has been very unprofessional asking you these things in front of the children. I would put in a complaint honestly.

Would a caravan or static caravan craned in over your house be a cheaper option? Could give the older kids some space. Also only take on the fostering of you are getting paid full rate as others have said. It’s so hard to know what to do.

@NoSki why on earth should the older kids be pushed out into a cold caravan to make way for a foster child, who's not related to them or their mum or step-dad.

I wonder if this was just an inexperienced social worker speaking out loud iyswim about an idea that popped into her head, when in reality it’s quite unlikely OP and her family would pass the assessments needed for a kinship placement due to lack of space, other family commitments (perhaps even your own history of abuse OP). This would all have to go through the courts and I think it’s unlikely they’d see it as ideal.

If the little girl’s current foster placement has broken down then the local authority would need to go through the normal protocol of moving her somewhere more suitable.

TBH I would also decline the suggestion of picking her up from school once a week too. That’s not your responsibility to facilitate at all.

Thinking about it I'd decline the afterschool pickup too.

Her half sister is pushing secondary age so will have enough things of her own to deal with including extra homework.
It's putting a big ask onto her too.

It's such a tough one, poor wee kid is only 4 and no suitable adult in her life. But at the same time Op is stretched and the additional stress could lead to the whole family breaking down.

@NoSki on what planet should she have to even think about doing that, for a child that isn't even related to her? That she hadn't even met until last week? I have more space, plenty of bedrooms, bathrooms, garden etc - it doesn't matter, it doesn't help me day to day. I get £600 every 4 weeks, guess what? It doesn't matter, it doesn't ease my stress or help my foster child or give another set of hands in the house to help parent. It does do anything for faetal alcohol syndrome or behaviour issues, it doesn't stop her crying and sobbing every night that her mum I'd dead or she can't be with her dad. It certainly doesnt stop my tears, reduce my workload or impact my live spare save a few ££ on clothes and clubs. I would honestly need to hire a full time nanny to make any sort of difference. Help isn't available.

It would be interesting to see how they can twist it so that OP is a kinship carer, considering that there is no biological relationship between the child and either OP or her husband.

They’d probably push the kinship through SD being her sister…

So again confused as to why I've been asked to pick this child up from school once a week for tea.

Have you now gone back to social care and said you won’t be doing this?

LA won’t even consider assessing for fostering around here without a lot of extra space. I contacted both the LA and a private foster company. Both came out and said our spare room wasn’t big enough so wouldn’t even proceed. Our spare room was slept in by myself, DH & 2 preschool DCs for 4 months when we first moved in. It then became a nursery that fitted a cot, wardrobe, chest of draws and large armchair, then it became my oldest DCs room for a year and is now an office with large desk (large enough for 3 monitors & 2 laptops), office chair, bookcase, draws, cabinet and display cabinet. Yet according to both fostering agencies we wouldn’t be considered because the room wasn’t big enough 🤔🤷‍♀️

So LAs may be crying out for foster careers but their requirements are ridiculous and good foster families and homes are not even being considered.

At the time we were in the perfect place to offer a home to children in need, I’m a SAHM so around all the time, I have experience with children in care, not professional, although I have done lots of safeguarding training, but I grew up with a parent working in care homes and spent a lot of time hanging out with the kids in the homes, even becoming friends with many of them and still know some now. So I’m not ignorant of their needs and problems.

And you live in a 3 bedroom.

Your current living arrangement i
must be very very difficult.

So I am utterly perplexed that SS want to add more children in to the equation.

Not least from a very basic standard of living perspective.

My instinct was no when I was asked to have my 10 week old niece.

My DDs were 8YO, 6YO (ASD/ADHD) and 6 months old at the time, I was a single parent that had just left an abusive marriage, living in a tiny 2 bed, and was due to start University in a few months time.

I had/have CPTSD/ADHD, and I’d had zero contact with my sister for around 5 years as she’s a violent alcoholic (which has escalated into drug use - including whilst pregnant).

I was all the cunts under the sun for saying no. I was horrified at the idea, was barely keeping my head above water as it was, and I just knew that if she had more, I’d be asked to have them, and that I’d end up with DSis at my door, drunk, screaming, trying to kick it in, bricking my windows etc, because she has previous form for it.

Never mind the fact that there were other family members in much better positions who could have taken the baby, nope, I was the selfish, horrible one that should have jacked in my degree, my children’s futures, whilst the other adults “supported DSis” - which they’d been doing for years, to the detriment of their relationships with my and my DDs. I was the designated Baby Raiser, and I wasn’t doing as I was told.

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep other people warm OP.

SW needs to find a more skilled foster family for the poor kid.

a single parent with 2 young children and a very young baby in a 2 bed flat with an abusive ex in the background and with I had/have CPTSD/ADHD,

was asked to have a 10 week old?

Yep. I wish I was shitting you, but I’m not. I didn’t even know my sister was pregnant, because we don’t speak and I avoid the rest of my family at all costs.

First I knew about it was when the SW turned up to discuss the situation with me. I laughed, rather hysterically, if I’m being honest, when she asked if I’d consider it, once the baby was out of NICU.

My ex wasn’t/isn’t in the background, luckily. He disappeared and has stayed that way for the last 6 years, and is only the father of my youngest.

I also don’t think having ADHD means you can’t be a foster carer, I’m happy to be corrected, but I’d fucking hope not.

It doesn’t stop, no
but you raised it so I thought you must regard as relevant

If you are in social housing there's another possibility which I know has happened to someone I know, social services were able to coordinate with the housing department to get appropriate sized housing, plus as a foster parent you can claim the full allowance which will cover all extra costs. The social workers can have sway. Also request that you will need practical support to take on the responsibility eg x hours of respite and the children will need mental health support

It’s relevant as to why I said no, because I was already at my limit juggling my own 3/finishing my college course/getting ready to move house for University. I definitely couldn’t have added another healthy human being who was solely reliant on me for survival to the mix, let alone a newborn with FAS.

I would only agree if social
Services could arrange a move to a more suitable house .

Particularly as the 3 bed property is already far from suitable for the current 4 adults, one teen and one 7 year old with additional needs.

so if the parents have one room
that means the two teen men share
and the teen girl shares with the 7 yr old with additional needs

where does ss suggest you even room the girls? Would be a fire risk if nothing else

I have been a Foster carer for 20 years and it has been wonderful. But, it is not just a case of taking in this little girl and loving her, if only life was that simple. I think this child would be much better served being placed with a family who is not overwhelmed, and who have time and space for her. Her bond with your sd is important, but that can be managed with regular contact. Your 7 year old needs to be prioritised here, there is no point taking on other people's dc if its going to negatively impact your own child, and just because your older children are close to adulthood doesn't mean they no longer need you, or that they will be moving out anytime soon. In your shoes I would help with contact between your sd and her sister, but I wouldn't take her on full time.

I don't think you can just be asked say yes and all ok
You should be entitled to a bigger property anyway even with current amount and my HA would not allow a garden room to be built so beware yours may be the same

Just say no. Neither you or DH have any obligation to the poor little girl. In your large family, without being unkind, she may not get the 1 to 1 attention she probably needs after such a bad start in life.

If you say no, then as a single young child she has a very good chance of being adopted. That will give her security, and be a better longterm solution for her.

Adoptees can still very often maintain some contact with their blood siblings.

That's heartbreaking.
Foster carers like you do an extremely demanding, underpaid job.
Until my friend adopted a 4 yr old who had been traumatised by her shitty birth parents, I had no idea about attachment disorder or the pain children have from such feckless backgrounds.
it truly is heartbreaking.
lots of professional support is needed to even make a ting dent in the traumas of these kids.
Birth Parents who fail their children have so much to answer for :(

It's shit practice, but it's not implausible. This kind of dangerous corner-cutting is absolutely symptomatic of the desperate state our public services are in. Kinship carers are often aggressively pursued whether they are truly suitable or not, because they are seen as a relatively cheap and swift option to get a child out of immediate danger and off the urgent caseload. And it's not uncommon for emotional blackmail to be used, as is clearly the case here.

If you are going to consider this, you need to slow right down, have some long, frank discussions with your husband and older children, and give forensic consideration to all of the practicalities and potential difficulties. The social worker, understandably, wants it all sewn up in five minutes, but that is simply not feasible. She needs to give you the time, space, and concrete reassurances about pay and housing that you need to approach this decision. If, at the end of that process, you don't feel that taking on this child is right for your family, then you shouldn't be subjected to any pressure or wheedling from SS, and I would be prepared to make a formal complaint if that occurs - to that end, I would be keeping detailed notes on your interactions with them now, starting with what happened when she brought it up in front of the children.