Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

Even if you really wanted to do this ( and there is no reason you should so ignore the guilt trip some people want to send you on) you simply can’t. You are bursting at the seams and do t have the room or energy for a 4 year old of any kind.
You just can’t and that’s not your fault

How many disturbed children have you brought in to your own overcrowded family home?
People who suggest stuff like this are living in a dream world.
This child is not related to either OP or her husband.
Child is likely extremely disturbed and difficult, and would beca full time job in herself.

The fact that the foster carers aren’t coping says it all.
SS want to foist this child onto OP.

It’s neither practical nor fair on OP’s other children.

@ljbx3
The Social worker sounds extremely unprofessional.
I’m glad you put in a complaint about her inappropriate behaviour., discussing child placement within hearing distance of children.

I am just looking at ages again.

so your SD is now about 9 or 10?

and your youngest child is 6 or 7?

So this is really a much younger child. Given that you have older teenagers too, that means for you more years of parenting.

There is just so much on your plate, and it is fine to say no.
Facilitating contact for the sisters and/or your SD with her Mum is already a big committment and more than enough for you to have taken on.

Kinship caring is for blood relatives. As neither OP or partner are blood relatives she should get proper fostering allowance. SS can also help OP get larger house. Child can't move in until they have larger house. Some councils will prioritize you in these circumstances. You need to check with them. Just thinking DSD might be resentful if her D's can't come to live with her and sometimes it is easier to roll with things than be in constant fight with DSD. I do appreciate OP has her hands full with own kids but 2 of those are 17 and 18 so might not be living there many more years. Something to think about. Having child to dinner once a week should give insight on her needs and how easily she might integrate into family. OP would need to.get.in writing what support would be available as part of package for child.

Hi, yes I have 2 sons who have just last week both turned 18 and 17. My 18 year old has the condition known as TOF. My eldest girl is 14 and my youngest is 7 who has additional needs. My step daughter is nearly 11. Her sister is 4.

@Spookypig so you have fostered siblings then?

I think that you have missed the OPs second post.

larger housing is hard/unavailble
older child not going to move out due to disability
OPs youngest child has significant SEN

OP, feel free to message me as I had a not dissimilar situation.

I have 3 children with ExH, and left him due to DV. He went on to have a baby with his new girlfriend, and then he ended up in prison, and the new baby was removed from GF due to drug/alcohol/neglect issues. They approached me to ask if I'd foster the baby, and I said no due to space. They found me a new house within a mile of my kids school within 2 days, so I took the baby in and things have been fine since.

If it was me, I would say to SS that you aren't happy to do the "one dinner a week" arrangement, but that the social worker is welcome to collect your SD once a week for sibling time if she wishes. And that unless/until the council can find a suitable property, you won't be able to take this child. And if they find a suitable property in a suitable location that meets your needs, then if it was me, I'd take the child in.

I'm sure your house is full of fostered children.

I’d personally say no and put my kids first. You just don’t have the room.

How awful of the SW to discuss this in front of the children! Talk about trying to make you feel backed into a corner!

Definitely worthy of a complaint.

I really think you need to consider the rest of the children equally, here - of course it would be nice for your SD to be around her sibling but if it's going to have a negative impact on every other child in the house then it's just not OK.

I can understand that the SW is desperate to find a placement for the child but your children are just as important as that child.

I've just read the first post. Quite frankly, this SW was very outbif like to ask you in front of the children and if it were me, I'd put in a complaint about it.

Ask for her line manager's contact information and in fact, I'd escalate it hire, to either the service manager or head of service.

Please do not feel pushed into this because of the social worker's incompetence.

You need to put your children first and you don’t have the space or capacity to take this child on.

You can go back and tell her, you can't do it.

Why should the OP be the one doing the “facilitating” , if anyone is facilitating anything it should be her DH facilitating a relationship between his child and her half sister.

If you go ahead, it needs to be on the condition that you have guardianship within x months, unless you want to have regular, and unplanned, support visits from social workers.
Also, a timeframe for the assessment and going to panel

Typo

Quite frankly, this SW was very out of line

Have read your update about ages. Going back to a 4 year old when yours are older is definitely a huge ask! You are already stretched in so many ways it could be an out of the frying pan and into the fire situation. I wouldn't agree to it without the correct housing, finance and support!

That's actually a huge age gap between the two girls. I have 6 years between my boys and really it can be tough finding things they can do together.

They'd certainly need to find you a much bigger house, or knock two houses into one. 8 people in a 3 bedroom house is bound to cause friction just living on top of each other.

Everyone on MN assumes teens will go of to Uni, some will some won't but even at that they still need space at home for holidays and no guarantee they'll not want to return when they start work.

Unfair of SW to put you on the spot especially after your DH has already said no.

You already have your hands more than full! I hope people telling you to just ‘buy a house with more bedrooms’ or to tell the SW to house you in a bigger house, go back and actually read your posts! The OP has been told there is a 40 year wait for a bigger house, and there are none in the area where they are all settled at school and the DH’s business is! Should the OP move her whole family to the middle of nowhere and start their lives from utter scratch just to look after the child of these two people?!

If it was me, I would say to SS that you aren't happy to do the "one dinner a week" arrangement, but that the social worker is welcome to collect your SD once a week for sibling time if she wishes

This is what I would offer.

This is what happens when SS are cut to the bone and seek desperate measures to make things cheaper for the state.
I think the social worker pressured you far too much and you're already overcrowded and have a child with SEN.

They will promise you the earth OP and deliver precisely fuck all, leaving you absolutely run ragged. They don’t give a toss about the impact on you or your children, and are just after a discounted foster placement.

I was given 70 pounds a week for the food and bus fare for three children (relatives) who were resident with me for about 6 months. I was already a single parent to special needs dc working full time. Bus fare to school alone was £45 per week. SS basically just expected me to subsidise the costs, and clean up their mess when they forgot to book transport or placements to after school care for the youngest, who I insisted would NOT be walking in the dark alone to the facility.

Trust me, been there done that and no way would I ever do it again. Don’t compromise yourself and your DC to make their life easier. If the youngest isn’t getting along in that placement they will have to find her another - that is their job!

@Spookypig hahahahhahahhah oh your post genuinely made me laugh! How many children have you fostered along with your own? That is a comment from someone who clearly has no idea into the reality of it.

@ljbx3 you are stretched to the absolute max. I can't believe they even had the audacity to ask. And how sneaky to ask you alone, with the children there, which they did purposely because your DH had wisely said no.

So many kids have sad stories, bad homes, shit parents. Those kids can't be your responsibility. It is absolutely awful for them, terrible but its not your doing and its not your issue to fix. I have a new rule now, if you don't live in my home, your not my responsibility. You can only do so much and your coping with far more than many could.

They sisters are already having set contact together with their mother. They go to the same school. They have an active relationship. They only reason to ask u to take her for dinner, is not for the relationship with her sister. It is so they can absolutely say she has an established relationship with you, in your home, with your children. They are trying to get her in the door. My advice, focus on the children that live with you and do not engage re this child whatsoever. You can bet her own parents are giving this much thought and stress to what happens to her.

And to the posters saying ask for this, ask for that. She may as well be asking for the moon! The world may be promised, but the only thing that will be guaranteed, is that nothing will materialise.

Op I really feel for you, what a horrible position to be put in and none of it of your own making.

I (hypothetically) would take the sister but I’d be very unhappy about it and would worry about the future. I think the £600 a week would alleviate a lot of stress but I’d worry about child being adopted after a period of time and the potential that I’d bonded with her. The loss of fostering fees would make it awful with the amount of children you would then have.

maybe you could do a small trial whereby you have her one night a week on the day you pick her up for dinner and see how you get on?

What a horrible position for you all to be in and what an awful situation for your stepdaughter's half sister.

Social services have been unprofessional discussing this in front of the children. They might have good intentions by maintaining the sibling relationship but they have gone about it the wrong way.

What does your DH think about the options?