Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

I would say no and we have a spare room so you're definitely NBU in my opinion.

I don't understand where SS thought she would sleep? Even with the garden room for your eldest, that still leaves 2 rooms for 4 children, one of whom is male.

Reflecting on it, the 4 year old would benefit from a longer term loving foster family relationship to give her what she really needs. Rather than her joining a busy family with lots already going on. If it was close by the girls could still easily maintain contact.

Just a little update on things. The sw rang yesterday about plans for my stepdaughter to visit her sister for today at the foster careers house. She then asked if I had thought anymore about the idea of me fostering my stepdaughters sibling. She said it would be an sgo. Not sure what the difference is. I'm guessing it makes a difference in what they pay you. Anyway my stepdaughter has just come back from a day at her sister's foster home. Apparently the child hits and kicks the careers and their other foster child, and kicked off majorly in McDonald's whilst they were taken out for the day. According to sd she would hit her mum too. This was not information I have been told by sw. This child is from a household of a long history of dv so is a traumatised kid who has learned behaviour. I will be speaking to our sw and kindly say that I will have her for tea maybe once a fortnight but I cannot take her on. The effect it will have on the children I already have will be detrimental. I asked the sw the chance of them ever returning home and she said slim to none! So the child in question needs someone with more time, can address her issues and meet her needs for the long run, up to 18 years old. It's sad but like alot of people have said I need to put my own children first.

I've read your update but just wanted to say that its unlikely that you'd have permission from your social landlord to build sleeping accommodation in the garden so make sure you seek permission and explain your intended use before you potentially waste money.

You are possibly already statutorily overcrowded.

Difficult situation, I feel for you all.

An SGO is a special guardianship order that is put in place until the child is 18 with absolutely NO financial support apart from £18.55/week, which is means tested. It is a long term order and gives you parental responsibility and the parent would have to jump through major hoops to ever change it.

A very firm no is required here-they are trying to shaft you and leave you up the creek without a boat, never mind a paddle. They have absolutely no interest in providing ongoing assistance from themselves or from the state with finance.

An SGO is a special guardianship order that is put in place until the child is 18 with absolutely NO financial support apart from £18.55/week,

That is terrible!

Yes we are already classed as overcrowded, we have spoken to the HA who we rent from and they have agreed to the garden room. However this is only likely to help ease our already crowded home. Another child, one with emotional needs will be just to much. I think it would be in this child's best interest to be placed with another foster family who are more equipped to deal and address the trauma she's been through. It is a very sad situation but I think I'm at my limit as to what I can offer her.

This is shitty of the sw to ask you with everything else now coming out. Definitely the fortnightly tea sounds nice but this little girl needs far more support than what you could provide. How the sw tried a sgo approach as well 🙄

Op that's horrendous, essentially trying to get you to adopt her without any real support.
Poor kid, but she sounds wild and I can understand why the foster family don't feel they can cope.

Op that's horrendous, essentially trying to get you to adopt her without any real support

Standard SS practice.

I'm glad you feel able to say 'No' @ljbx3. Adding this traumatised (and now it turns out, also violent), little girl to your horrendously overcrowded and complex home is clearly in no-one's interest, including hers. I hope you get your garden room soon. I can't fathom where everyone sleeps at the moment if one of the bedrooms is a boxroom.

Thats good you have said no it really is for the best, the little girl needs couldn't be met in your family she sounds traumatised poor kid, hopefully the fortnightly dinners work out.

It was patently obvious that the half sister was being very difficult at foster carer’s house..
A child of four brought up in an abusive DV home is going to have psychological damage that affects her probably for life.

Early damage like this is heartbreaking, and the parents are to blame, of course- No child should have to witness violence.

A friend adopted a child of Four from an abusive neglectful home, and this poor child had had a few foster placements “break down” - due friend found out later due to her behaviour.

The 4 yr old will need a whole raft of therapy and possible Fetal Alcohol Syndrome from mother drinking in pregnancy.

Your current situation cannot cope with this level of damage.
It will impact your DC badly.

From seeing what my friend’s family went through ( and still Are going through) from adopting a damaged 4 yr old, it does indeed seem that SS are extremely frugal with the truth.
They ought to be far more truthful and honest-
But if they did that, probably not as many people would consider adopting a traumatised child from a terrible home.

It is not about empathy for the child which I am sure you have or money either which will not fix feelings, exhaustion, splitting your time with an extra child.

In fostering your responsibilities will likely be additional to the child care such as formal training in first aid and county lines and protect etc there will be meetings to attend daily records to write and an annual review of the care provided, SW’s visiting, child in question will need supporting with contact with her extended family etc.

it a huge thing to ask you and to play on your emotions is just not reasonable this is a head decision not a heart one.

Oh what I wrote may not be relevant for an SGO which is a different classification.

But I see you have already said no which is fair enough. Ideally fostering can find a suitable therapeutic placement for the little girl who sounds like she needs a high level of care and support.

I'm glad you said "No".

I've warned other parents and step-parents where there is a child/young adult who is a half or even step-sibling in their ex or DP/DH family, and there have been some difficulties that they could be asked to do this. As there were kinship carers in my own family, however they were not the people expected to care for the children. They were people who didn't have any other children living at home so had the time to give to the children who needed care.

I'm relieved that you've said "No". I would also reconsider contact between the two sisters, if your step-daughter is upset at her little sister's violence towards foster carers. The little girl may also turn on your step-daughter.

Contact should be facilitated by SW or FC and DH, and on neutral territory. The older sister should never be guilted into seeing her sibling if it has a bad effect on her. Sibling-on-sibling violence is a very real possibility especially from a child who has witnessed violence and there is already child-on-carer violence.

ACE (Adverse Childhood Experiences) and care-experienced children can destroy their carers' physical and mental health, wider family relationships, and cherished belongings.

I've never regretted having my DGC, but caring for them has come at far too high a price. I phoned Samaritans this morning just to hear myself speak openly without feeling judged.

Absolutely @oakleaffy although they don’t seem to make the connection that doing this results in having the child being continually moved from place to place which in itself is even more damaging.

@KinshipGran hope you are OK. You sound like you are having a really hard time

Indeed...Each move an already abused and traumatised child has undermines them, makes them less trusting, and more hurt..So they lash out more.

When people fail a child so badly {parents} ideally they will never have another child, but tragically this isn't the case.

@KinshipGran
Had I not witnessed personally neighbours and friends and workmates who have been through this, I'd have thought

''All a damaged child needs is a nice new home and support, and they'll soon be tickety boo and happy''

Not so.

It is far more as you describe. A rollercoaster of emotions, broken hearts and sorrow {and damaged possessions are the least of it.}

I hope you are OK.

People with experience of fostering /adopting will know what it's like without judging.

@Dinoteeth. Thank you for your kind thought and asking.

@oakleaffy Thank you for saying that you didn't understand until you saw the impact for yourself.

I don't think I'll ever be properly okay again. I feel absolutely broken tonight. I keep going because I have to. I'm ashamed of the resentment that is building up in me. I love them and do my best by them, and I think it's going to kill me.

Thank you for your message, it sounds as though you are finding things hard yourself right now. You can pm me if you'd like to talk. Be kind on yourself.

I think this was so much the right choice. I think the little girl is probably very badly damaged and needs far more care than you would realistically be able to provide. I think you said your husband said no initially when they asked him and I think the social worker decided to work on you in case they could persuade you into doing it because you are obviously a lovely kind person. I too once believed that children just needed a nice kind home with interested parents and they'd be fine but in many cases that simply isn't so.