Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

I’m surprised they think it’s ok to have 6 children plus two adults living in a 3 bed house!!

Sw is doing the best she can for a 4 year old. Yes she put you in a spot and it is hard but it is for 2 little girls wellbeing. Why is the Sw only talking to you and not your husband? Surely if the child is with you long term you need to do what is best for her and 1 tea a week with her sister who is in the care system is absolutely minimal surely your kids have friends round for tea? I get it's hard and disruptive to everyone but think how it is for them. Fostering is a whole other ball game and something you would need to discuss with everyone properly, it sounds like they don't want to split families up are trying to keep the poor kids together for a bit of stability but if you seriously cannot cope with that then she would be better off somewhere less chaotic and where she is wanted not meaning that in a horrible way by the way. But at least let her come to tea once a week children need each other.

But it is just not physically possible. There us nothing more to discuss about it, is there?
What makes this so different from adopting a child, where you have to show that they have enough space eg their own bedroom?
SW sounds desperate to me.

You sound like a decent person, your obviously caring otherwise you would have shut this down straight away.

So had the Op shut it down and said no she wouldn't be a caring and decent person?

I'd argue by saying no she's actually more caring as she's taking into account the needs of all the children in her house, as well as the needs of DSD sister.

@PerkingFaintly just read that whilst having locked myself in the bathroom for my morning cry and cup of tea! Thank you for you kindness, that was needed this morning.

This is the reality of the situation though. My house today OP. Have 6th former wanting help with A Level coursework, 5yr old just had a wee op and needs lots of TLC. The poor 8yr old boy is the most lovely child, so is always the one at the bottom as asks for the least. My autistic daughter isn't up yet. Waiting with trepidation to see what she will bring ti the day, oh and foster team calling(1st time in 13month) at 10.30 and her life work counsellor coming at 12.30. And need to get started on my assignment.

Anyone who thinks this is easy op is wrong. Any person who says oh think of the children blah, blah, blah, doesn't live in the real world. I have the money, the bigger house etc. Changes nothing.

Something no one ever told me, but believe it OP. The most important person, is you. Your needs, wants, wishes, they all need to come before anyone else, child or otherwise. Because you are the one doing it all. Don't fall into my trap, put yourself first. You get 1 life, don't live it beholden to others mistakes. Not wanting to do something, is more than enough reason not to do it.

I ,I’ve bow so many posters are coming to say how it’s all fir the well-being of a 4yo.
A 4yo that have no relation at all with the OP’s family.

But somehow, it’s ok to jeopardise the well-being of a 7yo with SN. Does that child not matter too?
Its ok to ask 6 children to share between 2 bedrooms on the ground that there will be another bedroom available at some point. That’s Wo knowing the sex of the children. Aka what’s happening to the whole ‘teens need their space’ and ‘you can’t possibly ask two teens of opposite sex to share a bedroom!’.

@ljbx3 I suspect that SS are expecting your 18yo to move out. You know he is an adult and all that. And the 17yo to follow soon after. Same reasoning.
That would leave you with 4dcs in a 4 bed house. And one less
Problem in their hand because you are ‘fostering’ and surely you want kick a sibling out if the house.

I have to say, I would put the well-being of the 5 dcs you have first. I would think carefully about
1- the well-being of the 7yo with SN.
2- if whether the 4yo has some SN of some sort herself. If mum is an alcoholic, was she drinking in pg etc…. The child isn’t settling with foster cater. Why?? You would be taking in a child with at least major attachment issues, trauma etc….
3- how are things going on with your DH dd?did she settle well? Any issue behaviour wise etc….

Because jusst now you would be taking in two dcs with major emotional trauma. On the top of your dc with SN. That’s a hell of a lot to do and in particular to do well.

Fully agree with @ChangeNameagain2 too btw.

@ChangeNameagain2 oh I feel for you so much, and I have no idea what to say to someone with far too much on their plate. I hope your day goes ok.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I can see where they are coming from in terms of trying to help the 4 year old - it is devastating and it will have serious consequences on her emotional development. She's already experienced severe trauma from whatever she will have witnessed at home, then she's lost her entire family overnight, now she's going to lose the family she's been placed with and she can't be with her sister. At this age children think everything that happens to them is their fault, this 4 year old is going to be wondering what's wrong with her and why she isn't good enough and nobody wants her and that's heartbreaking. The fact is that the ONLY person looking out for this 4 year old right now is a social worker with a million other case loads.

So yes. Of course the other children in the household matter and of course it will be a huge impact on them if OP does decide to go along with it (but it doesn't sound like she will, and to be honest it sounds as though she will resent the 4 year old which will also be detrimental to the child) but the social worker isn't being unfair here, she's simply looking for a child who has nobody else. It wouldn't be easy, at all - this child has already experienced so much trauma, so much rejection and hurt and she's going to need a hell of a lot of support that probably won't be there because this country is broken. There's also OPs step-daughter to consider too - she will also have to deal with the trauma of losing her sister. There are no good solutions, there are no winners it's just an incredibly devastating situation.

@WahineToa oh I'm grand. Well use to the carry on now. But I do think on threads like this it's so important to ignore all the knee jerk reaction, what about the children people. @WakingUpDistress post is so good in highlighting just a snippet of what needs serious consideration. And I also think as women / mothers our needs and wants are always pushed to the bottom. SS take advantage of a kind person trying hard for 1 child. Once you give them an in, that's it.

I completely agree with this.

Morning, thanks for all your messages. As a mum myself I absolutely feel torn as to what to do. I could not begin to imagine how this child is feeling. I was in an abusive relationship myself when I was 18 and I had my first 2 children. It was a horrendous time but I managed to escape and move on to keep my child safe. My eldest son who has literally just turned 18 was born with a condition know as TOF/ vaters syndrome which basically means he was born without an oesophagus and has scoliosis of the spine due to repeated surgeries throughout his life,and has many more to come.So although he is now essentially a 'man' he is not in a position to move out just yet. Plus let's be honest what 17 and 18 year old who are both in full-time education still can afford to these days? The idea of the garden room came when my stepdaughter was placed with us. We asked to be moved to a bigger property but have been told that in our local area there is a huge housing shortage and no 4 bedroom properties available. The wait time we were told was 40 years! Even in our current situation. The judge in our last court hearing even wrote a letter to our council on our behalf but was told the same thing. Hence the garden room which is costing a small fortune which ss have said they cannot help with. My other half was asked at the beginning of all this if he would consider taking in this child. He said no. ( I was in hospital at the time so was not present) so it seems very odd for her to ask me without my husband with me. Tbh this sw has been no help whatsoever and like people have said before offers everything but nothing comes of it. My youngest who has sn is a very difficult sleeper, even on medication. It took me 6 years to get her sleeping in her own bed. Then we took on his child. Because we didn't have a bed straight away or space she ended up back in bed with myself and husband so his stepdaughter could have her bed. We have now changed rooms, brought bunk bed and a single for my eldest daughter who all share together. Myself and husband are in the box room. Literally open the door and your in bed wall to wall. It's not ideal and I'm back to square one getting my youngest settled in a new room/bed. I'm lucky if she sleeps 4/5 hours each night. She has always been this way and is very very attached to me. She has quite severe ocd too, and will only allow me to touch her food, bath her or brush her hair. Everything has to be done exactly how she imagines it to and her routine followed to a tea or all he'll breaks loose. Just having my stepdaughter here has upset that balance we had. My eldest daughter who is 14 is obviously needing her own space and she is already sharing with her little sister and now step sister. This whole situation has had a huge impact on everyone. Even if we were moved we have been told it would most likely be out of the area. My children are settled in their schools and colleges. My husband is self employed and his clients are all very local to us so we would not want to move out of our area. Both my husband and myself had to do assessments with the ss when his stepdaughter came to stay. We both passed and have a clean dbs. So the sw knows all this. I just found it odd that she would ask me while on my own, knowing my husband already said no months ago. The child in question is from a well known family from a different town. Always in trouble with the police, and not very nice people. The mum has had able chances to change and every help possible offered but she continued the relationship thinking that ss wouldn't find out. I think because it has gone on for years, her decitfulness, they thought enough was enough. The judge on the last hearing said she would have a hard job proving she is a good enough mum for them both to be returned. My stepdaughter has weekly contact with her mum in contact centre where she sees her sister too and they now attend the same school. So again confused as to why I've been asked to pick this child up from school once a week for tea. I know this is my sd's sibling but I met her the first time the other evening when the sw turns up unannounced. I have already put in a complaint as it left me feeling very uncomfortable. The foster family to this child are quite elderly and I think that's why the little girl isn't liking it. But I'm sure there are other placements that can provide more for her than I can.

Only you know your situation/capabilities OP. To be honest it sounds like you already have enough on your plate.
The absolute worst thing for that child would be for her to come to you and it all fall apart.

Yes if people are so keen maybe approach their local authority who are crying out for Foster carers !

Why hasn’t the previous foster arrangement worked out? Has the child been assessed for any undiagnosed difficulties?
You need to do a cost/benefit analysis for everyone. Be very objective.

I agree with most of the PPs. It would be - on paper (except that she may well need a lot of 1:1 attention) - the best outcome for the 4 yo but what about your other kids? It's not likely that the 18yo and 17yo will be moving out before mid 20's due to low earnings when you are young and no housing benefit until 25.

If you do this you need to all be rehoused in bigger accommodation. You would need to be paid like a proper foster carer because you and DH are the ones doing the caring and neither of you are related to the 4yo.

What SS really need to look for is a placement for 4yo near you so she can have proper attention and still see her half sister regularly. Maybe a foster carer who can have your DD over for tea too!
Some SW are great and some are living in cuckoo land, the training these days is about paper outcomes and everything is on a tight budget, they will be under pressure from managers to everything as cheaply as possible. (E.g. people with a physical disability being told to go and travel to shower in an accessible shower at the local gym to save money on needing two carers to manouevre them into their shower or bath at home).

Anyway I would submit a complaint about her having this conversation with you in front of the kids, that is extremely unprofessional, manipulative and potentially damaging to the kids!!!!

Hi Op,I haven't read all the comments, only some.i am an adopter not a Foster carer.
Please ask this thread to be moved to the adoption or Foster boards for some very astute advice from people very experienced with having traumatised children. Alot of the comments here will just make you feel bad for no reason I think you've been pushed into a horrendous position by the SW. It's not the best thing for your stepdaughter, the younger child, your birth children or indeed you and your husband if the girls are placed into an already stretched family and will not be able to put the traumatised children's needs first.
If you were putting yourself forward for adoption of unknown children you would be asked at length how you would balance the needs of the adopted child with your already stretched giving of yourself. You've said already you feel it's too much. You shouldn't have to feel like this. It should be a real supported choice but it's clearly not.
The SW ostensibly want the best for the kids but it sounds like overstretched SW trying to get kids placed so they can say they are 'safe' and move on. Please don't do this. I know it's not your own needs you're thinking of but if you are pushed to the limit how will you care for your original family nor least your extended one.

Look, you sound like a good person and the situation is hard. If you can possibly make the weekly play dates work, do it.

You’ve had some good advice here - getting preferential allocation of a bigger property and the full foster care payment might make a big difference.

Incredibly unprofessional of the social worker to the point I would put in a complaint.

However, if you are at all interested then maybe ask for an appropriate meeting at a time that suits you - away from the children - and find out exactly how they would be prepared to support your family to make it work. And yes ensure you are paid & supported as a foster carer, not a kinship carer.

if you know you do not want to take this on (which would be entirely reasonable and sensible in your situation - or for anyone to say no tbh, you don’t even need a reason although you have plenty!) then email the complaint and in that say you are not able to foster, or provide tea if that is not possible. If it is possible to provide tea once a week then make sure they have a package in place to get her to you & back to foster parents if necessary.

Honestly SS treat kids like parcels sometimes just trying to find anywhere to leave them that ticks the box. So not feel bad about protecting your own family.

I think even if you wanted to desperately help this little child, logistically it's pretty impossible because you simply don't have the room.
It's already unfair on your 14 year old having to share with two much younger children. She needs her privacy at this age.

I'd probably agree to having the little girl for dinner once a week because that's also in your SDD's best interest but I just can't see how the fostering side of it could work.

Poor child

Regardless of who and how it was asked it's a really tough decision to make.💐

I remember another thread on here where a woman was considering adopting/long term care for her dead friend’s children. And one poster - a social worker herself - made this comment, which really stuck in my mind: social services are solely concerned with the welfare of the child “on their books”. They do not give a damn about you, your other children or even your SD (who’s already “sorted”). And that resonated with my own experience of elderly care and how I’ve seen them deal with people over that.

This sounds harsh, but in your shoes, I would galvanise my inner cynic! I would complain - loudly - about the social worker who came into your home without notice and raised the matter in the earshot of both the children (and without the child’s father present). Dreadful. And manipulative - that wasn’t by accident. And I would insist that all future communications are in writing, unless you request a meeting.

And for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t be doing it. Your SD is your DH’s child and is his responsibility. You have other children who are your responsibility. You sound like you have a huge amount on your plate and you - rightly - need to put that first.

@ljbx3 What a horrid situation.
It is astounding how people stick with violent partners and worst of all, procreate with them so kids are invariably removed.
Poor kids.
BUT you have enough on your plate-
It’s not enough that SS will “Pay you” - my goodness - dealing with traumatised children is difficult, and you have your own children to consider.

A huge ask.

What’s to say your husband’s ex won’t have another child with violent partner ( Quite likely) and SS will turn up at yours with yet another child ?

Think of your own young child and your mental well-being.

@ljbx3

The SW was highly unprofessional as she should have arranged an appointment with you and DH where the children were not able to over hear the conversation.

Neither you nor your DH are blood relations of DSDs sister, the only blood relation is you DSD.

@Livingbyariver has given very good advice.

I would add, make sure you capture any conversations in writing by emailing to SW as per meeting today.

Start by writing to the Head of SS. State how inappropriate and unprofessional the SW was by her whole approach. Make it clear that this approach has had the opposite of their desired outcome I.e. the unprofessional meeting along with trying to steamroller you has made you very reluctant as you do not feel SS have shown any care or consideration for your children, you, DH, DSD nor the child they want you to foster.

Seek reassurance that in future any such discussions must take place at a pre-arranged meeting in a suitable place where the children cannot overhear the discussions. A repeat of the unprofessional approach would see you refuse to progress discussions.

Having discussed with DH at this stage you are not prepared to agree to DSDs sister coming to tea. You are open to having a pre-arranged meeting with both of you to discuss contact between DSD and her sister.

If you and DH decide you might consider this then State this would under any circumstances be a kinship foster placement but a standard fostering arrangement. As such you would expect SS/LA to move you to a HA property with sufficient bedrooms etc. as per others advice.