Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

I would complain about the sw.
I would possibly accept if they find you a larger house & pay £600.( as mentioned above ?)
But only if you feel you can manage all those children?

Honestly I think you should suck it up and do it how many foster children are currently living in your home? Along with your other 4 children? She has NO responsibility to this child. Her responsibility is towards herself and the children already in the home. Knee jerk statements like that do nothing and all and to be honest, show a short sighted attitude with little thought to 5 other children's needs.

Those saying they'd take this child on "in a heartbeat", do you currently foster, and if not why not? Time, space, finances? All the perfectly reasonable reasons OP has for having reservations.

YANBU to say no OP and all the posters trying to guilt you into saying yes, when all your instincts are screaming no, are arseholes.

I'm just trying to get my head around how six people fit into a 3-bed property in the first place - that is horrifically overcrowded already. Both the teens should have their own rooms and the autistic DC needs their own room too, so that's four bedrooms right there with you and your DP needing one as well. Then add in the SD and her sibling - so that's a 5-bed property you will need. Is the SW offering that? I bet she fucking isn't!

Sorry - six bedroom property - just realised you have 3 teens, not two!

As for the SW trying to push you into this arrangement when she turned up on your doorstep, unannounced, in the earshot of the DC in the house - words fail me. I'd be making a formal complaint about her, if it were me. Totally and utterly unprofessional. No wonder people hate involving SS so much!

I would first off complain about the SW, that is a dirty selling technique and I would not expect it from a SW.

I might agree if SW promised to get a larger home, plus help with moving costs but I know that wouldnt fix all the problems you have.

Also as I think PP are saying this is not a 4 year old coming in from a loving family, there is going to be trauma there, so you would have to give up time from your children to devote to this child.

Your OP is pretty clear you don't think at this point it's possible and you want to say no - listen to your gut.

I'm not sure how this is going to be justified as in the child's interests to be put in a large, busy family with a child with SN and one stepchild trying to settle in permanently which sounds hard enough. The poor child's obviously not coped well in foster care, she's experienced a lot of trauma and her needs are likely to be high, she will be coming into a home where no one has training, time or capacity to meet her needs, the house is crowded, the adults' time is already strained to manage the kids there, what is supposed to be in this for her? And if it breaks down then her experience of it all going wrong is going to add trauma on top of trauma. She deserves better than a cobbled together 'let's try and hang on' situation.

To even try to meet her needs, the child with SN and her sister who are both kids with high need will both get less attention, capacity, stability. This is risking destabilising everyone. I agree with PPs, this is a cost based thing in that SS know you will be a cheap option, once you have her they can make it difficult for you to end the arrangement if things go wrong and you want to stop (and by then you will be committed to the child and it will be terribly upsetting to destabilise her and have to choose between her and the other kids), and there is a shortage of foster care places. However that is not your problem to solve.

I'd also agree with PPs about be very clear you are very unhappy about conversations held in front of the children who have dealt with so much already, and be very careful about beginning any arrangements that will raise expectations you may then have to disappoint in both girls.

Sorry, would also mention: as pps say, you may well be promised the moon in support and services in the planning stage. That does not mean those promised resources will in reality be there.

We were nearly in this situation and DSD lives with us which has been a big change in itself and before we had our own DC then I’d have said yes as me and DH could have coped but now we have our own DC I would say no; i feel bad even thinking this but I wouldn’t put my own DC through that and I’d also be thinking what happens if the mum has another baby

This is a really big commitment and not to be taken lightly. SS are under a duty to explore family options but should not be putting anyone under pressure and you absolutely need to consider your existing family commitments and resources. As a former SW/Manager I am appalled that these discussions took place in hearing of the children and that you were put on the spot re weekly school pick ups and tea. I appreciate SW's are under time pressures but this is totally unprofessional. Personally I would email the SW and copy in the manager outlining what took place, that it was unacceptable and that you do not want to be put in such a position again.

Ignore all the nobs who say shit like ‘I’d do it in a heartbeat’! They clearly have no idea what they’re talking about .

The reality is that any child who has had to leave their family and everything and everyone they know (even if no actual abuse has occurred which in this situation is unlikely) is going to have a whole host of problems that will only surface over time.
Only you can say if you’d be able to cope, but you already have a house full, you have one SEN Child as well as your SD who again, will be suffering trauma due to what’s happening with her mum. To add another trauma’d child to this, would be incredibly hard.

Trauma displays in a lot of behavioural issues that a ‘telling off’ doesn’t solve, (which is why you should ignore the nobs spoken about above), it’s incredibly stressful. Your Sd is likely to show these over time. If you think her and the rest of your household can dope with that from this other child then go for it, but my advice is would be to ensure you have put your own children, your relationship and your own needs first. You’ll need them.

SW’s are always looking for the simplest solution, but they’re not always the right solution. If you say no, they will simply set their heads to finding a better foster placement, so do not be guilted into saying yes.

By continuing with the weekly tea at yours, you can keep an eye on her from a distance and be a trusted adult for her with that step removed which might make it easier for her to talk to you in the long run.

I think you really ought to facilitate weekly contact between the sisters, however that looks. But as many have said, moving in a very traumatised 4 year old who will consequently have high needs is a lot to ask and understandable if it’s too much. As you say, you have to think about all of the children, especially your own autistic DD

I can’t believe they have even asked you to be honest considering how many kids you have already, your child with special needs and the fact you are all living in a 3 bed.
if you think it could work if they provide you with a much bigger house and you are getting paid properly than ask for this
if not please don’t feel guilty about turning it down. It’s too much for one person to handle.
Also I think it’s a bit fishy that a 4 year old does not get on with their foster family. Presumably foster families are more inclined to be flexible with new children. I do wonder if this is all about the girls wanting to stay together - which kg course I would understand but I couldn’t cope with a man unknown 4 year old being thrown into our family so don’t feel guilty if you can not either

What a difficult situation op. It's easy to say you would do it when you are not in the same shoes. I have 3 children with one on the way and I feel I am stretched very thin, although in my heart I know I would absolutely love to say yes in this situation, with 5 children (ok one is 18 but still) plus another one who will have high needs and need a huge amount of love and care I am not sure it would actually be best for the child. You know yourself whether you think you could cope. If you think it might cause more stress, tears and arguments in your household then I think it's best to be honest and say no. Most people would be under strain in this situation, especially with a smaller house than you really need, I know I would. I would definitely do all you can to facilitate sister time though and always make her feel welcome in your home. Very bad form from the sw to put you on the spot like that.

• do not agree to become a kinship carer, you will get minimum allowance and little back up. SW would love for you to agree to this as it would save your LA thousands!
• if you do decide that you are to foster then part of the agreement is for SW to work with housing to relocate you to a much bigger house. The 4 year old will only be allowed to share a bedroom with her birth half sibling.
• be prepared for the intrusion of an assessment, medicals and disclosure checks. Any of your birth children over the age of 16 will also be disclosured. Also be mindful that there will also be the intrusion of SW being in your life!
• familiarise yourself with safe caring. You, your husband and your birth children are all at risk of having an allegation made against you.
• you will need to have time to attend medicals, meetings and meetings to arrange meetings.
• Maintaining confidentiality is really difficult when fostering a child who has family links.
• Would you need a bigger car?
• because of red tape, you cannot parent a Looked after child in the same way as a birth child. Here is an example - your out on a walk with all the children, your youngest birth child runs ahead to a tree that is easily climbed and they start to clamber up it. The 4 year old follows, the 4 year old has to be told to come down from the tree although your birth child can stay up it. Why? Because a risk assessment hasn’t been done, fecking ridiculous, I know!! But that is the reality of fostering. You have to parent a fostered child differently. It sucks, it totally sucks!
• if everything works out ticketyboo then it’s an amazing thing to do.
• Good luck

We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging

And SS suggest you foster knowing this???

What a horrible situation for everyone OP, I'm sorry you're having to deal with this.

I think a key question is whether your main concerns are practical type issues (size of house, financial, bigger car, respite care, home help type support, general support etc) and if those were resolved you might be willing to consider this or whether the reality is that whatever is offered you simply don't want to do this?

If the first then I'd be requesting a proper meeting to discuss the practicalities, setting out very clearly what you would require in terms of support and having very clear boundaries about that and not being afraid to walk away if SS can't accommodate your needs. Also consider whether things like respite/holiday care as part of the package. I'd also get everything in writing.

If it's the latter then that's fine and completely understandable and you shouldn't feel guilty for saying no. Ultimately this is in no way your responsibility and you do need to prioritise yourself and your/your husband's existing children.

Exactly. This is a reflection of how limited the availability of foster placements is at the moment. Anyone saying they would do it in a heartbeat should contact their local authority and put themselves forward because there are children just like this little girl waiting all over the country.

Could they help you reallocate to a bigger home and pay full foster care rates? That might make your decision easier.

If they are asking you to squeeze her into you current circumstances and finances that would be a much harder ask.

Anyone saying they would do it in a heartbeat should contact their local authority and put themselves forward because there are children just like this little girl waiting all over the country.

Yes this exactly! Anyone commenting she should do foster already? If not, why not?!?

I do wonder if this is all about the girls wanting to stay together

Considering the SW's behaviour in discussing this in front of them, this may be claimed as a result of a conversation that went 'you'd love to live together wouldn't you?' It takes a lot of time and effort to really explore the wishes of distressed and traumatised children; often young children will say whatever they think the adult wants to hear or whatever sounds like a good idea in the moment.

@ChangeNameagain2 you sound like an absolutely wonderful person! The very furthest from bad or selfish.

I'm aghast that the machinations of others has put you in this position – and then capped it by making you feel like this about yourself.

Every day you're lifting an incredible load, and then the next day doing it all again. All for other people. Frankly you're a much better person than many of us.

Sending you all the strength the internet can carry.

The social worker should not have put you in those "on the spot" conversations, especially in front of the children concerned. I would like to think they are desperately trying to work in the best interests of your DHs daughter and her sister though, and this could really help both of them, siblings being separated must be hard, especially considering what they've already gone through, and in your position I would definitely be keen to see if an arrangement could be made to facilitate this. Obviously it cannot happen if it will be detrimental to the children already living with you though. SS need to be working with your local council to put in place plans to get you more adequate housing, and make sure you are financially covered to deal with this though. Your children's wellbeing needs to be considered by them in this, and adequate housing, and additional expenditure, needs to be sorted as a bare minimum. It's not just about the housing and finances though, you're physical and mental health needs to be considered, this will be a huge change, and another human being (who will probably be suffering from her own traumas) to look after. If it is feasible to make this work with minimal pact on your family, it could be an absolutely amazing opportunity for the girls to grow up together, and will probably make a huge positive impact on their lives. It is completely understandable if it isn't doable though, and you shouldn't feel guilt tripped into putting yourselves into a situation that is going to negatively affect your own children. What does DH think?

NRTFT

i think I’d struggle to say no. I understand she’s your DPs exs child but she’s also your DSDs little sister. Keeping them together, especially given what they have already been through is very important. But, I can definitely see why you wouldn’t want to take on another child, you sound like you already have your hands full.

Could you not get a bigger house, I thought when fostering space was a big factor, could SS push for you guys to get a bigger place quickly? Also could the extra money help? If you were going to do it, ask for the maximum allowance to cover additional costs, maybe after school clubs. Could the extra money cover extra help at home, cleaner, child care, someone to do the school runs for you…

I would ask for a proper sit down with the SW, no kids around, ask what the full requirements of you would be, would you be able to make decisions for the child, what support will be in place, what are SS willing to do to help accommodate the child at your house (help getting bigger house etc..)

You sound like a decent person, your obviously caring otherwise you would have shut this down straight away.

Good luck

@Ivyonafence do you currently foster?