Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

The child isn't really related to her DH either. It's his child's half sibling not related to him.

You will get so much help if you do this. Depending on the area £200 pwk untaxed and not counted as income income on top of the benefits you could claim for her.

You'd also be a top priority for a move to bigger social housing.

”Not getting on with her foster family” - what the fuck does that even mean?!

I'll take a guess that it means she's hard work, broken attachments, and traumatised, the Foster family aren't happy and want her moved, so the wee kid will have another broken attachment.

SW is clutching at straws hoping that having time or being with her half-sister will help.

Firstly SS are a nightmare the deal with, they will use every possible tactic to place a child with family members. Don't think it's because they want the child to remain in the family, it's because it's cheaper.

You can earn around £500 per child per week, plus have all travelling, holidays etc paid in addition if you foster formally. If you enter into a kinship arrangement (which I strongly suspect is what Ss are after), you'll get around £100. My sil used to foster and Ss paid for an extension to her house to accommodate children. She used it as a full time carer.

You have to take your family into consideration first and foremost, do you have the room - no, do you have the time - no, will it negatively impact your dd - yes. Don't let Ss guilt trip you into this. Plus fostering a child that's been through so much won't be easy, it's an awful thing to say, but it's highly likely she will have behavioural issues which isn't east to deal with when you're equipped for it, it'll be really hard with other dc to look after and a job.

Why is your DH not dealing with this?

What dies your husband think?

The SW should have dealt with your husband.

Exactly. Why was he not involved in this conversation? Massively wrong for the SW to put this onto OP.

I'm an accidental foster carer to my half sister. 4 kids of my own. 1 who is autistic and struggling massively. No one else to take the child. I have a very stressful/ emotional job, back in uni with work and a husband is never here with work. Everyone tells me how amazing I am etc, such a good mum, balance it all etc. I'm not, I'm so sad and tired and drained. I hate that the life choices of 2 alcoholics have had such a massive impact on mine and my children's lives. I get no break. I'm just sad that this is my life and I've no way out.
Honestly, don't do this OP. I have come to the conclusion that I must just be a bad person or selfish but I struggle because I don't love her to the same strength and degree as my own. It weighs on my heart every day. I miss so much the dynamic of being with my own kids. This child is not in anyway your responsibility.
They pay 600 every 4 werks. Big deal, it doesn't help my heart, my sadness (probably depressed) it doesn't get me break. My advice, run fast and don't do the dinners, they are just looking (SS) a foot in the door. That's their way of getting a relationship established with you. Thwy will say you have a relationship, she is comfortable in your home etc. The help and support they promise is not there and most importantly in my eyes is your autistic child.
Why should the actions of a neglectful mother and father, who aren't even anything to do with your daughter, why should they be allowed to have such a hugh impact on your child and family. In the words of many mumsnetter, 'no is a complete sentence' you owe no one anything, not even an explanation.

It's easy for people on here or in life to say oh I'd do it in a heartbeat. Where is your fostering application then? Go do it yourself and see what it's really like. Good luck op

I have a Kinship Order for my niece, and as PP say it’s around £100 a week. They wouldn’t entertain me fostering her because she’s a blood relative and also they wanted something informal in case my sister stepped up. She didn’t, she’s even more AWOL now than she was at the start but that’s another story

But in your situation you aren’t a blood relative so I would push for the fostering allowance otherwise say it’s a massive no. The upheaval to all your children will be huge, and also I would see if SS can work with the HA to get you a larger house should it come to it.

I think it would be lovely for your DSD to know she has adults on her side for her sister. Do the girls get on?

There’s only so much of you to go around and you sound under severe pressure already with your own high needs child and I can only assume your step daughter needs quite a lot of extra emotional support considering all she’s been through.
Ideally facilitating the one evening a week would be a great thing but it’s just more responsibility, pressure and work for you. I personally wouldn’t be able to manage what you have let alone adding to it. You’re not super woman, you don’t have to be super woman and this other little girls relationship with her sister shouldn’t have to facilitated by you.
I’d call the social worker wherever you get 5 mins alone and clearly tell her you do not appreciate her heavy handed tactics of talking about such emotive issues in front of the children and in future correspondence to be held in an appropriate manner. I also would refuse taking the child from the start so they can get started on finding a different placement.
Best of luck

Thwy will say you have a relationship, she is comfortable in your home etc. The help and support they promise is not there

I agree with this. They'll promise all the support in the world until she's in your home and then tumbleweeds, nothing. They'll force you to carry on if you express even the slightest worry, and guilt trip you with how settled she is and how seperating her from her sister will be detrimental to her.

OP I would refuse it all, the dinners, the contact and any further involvement. You have enough to deal with and are already struggling, taking on more will only end in everyone else in your house being given less.

Say no! Honestly what a joke! This would probably be a private fostering arrangement

if you find it hard to have the conversation just send an email and also outline that she was unprofessional discussing things in earshot of the children!!

and it’s her job to facilitate contact between the siblings not yours!! She is basically trying to offload it on to you. The flip side is I guess she is v v busy herself and juggling lots of things

a four year old girl will be easy to place with foster carers so don’t be fooled that she will be going somewhere she doesn’t like etc

I thought, to foster a child they must be getting their own room so obviously that's not possible. The only way l would consider this is if they got me a bigger house in the same locality but it would need at least 5 bedrooms. They would be very remiss to put that little 4 year old into a house with only 3 bedrooms..where on earth would you even fit her?

Firstly, don't let anyone make you feel bad for not wanting to do this. I wouldn't either. My family have experience of a similar situation actually and they also said no. It didn't work for them or their current set up (SS was trying to get them to take on 3 children of a relative! And yes they also offered to move them into larger accomodation as if that's the only factor). There is nothing shame worthy about saying no and I think a lot of the people claiming they'd do it 'in a heartbeat' are naive to what it entails.

Secondly, you are doing MORE than enough by already doing majority care for your step daughter who's likely traumatised herself whilst your husband goes about his business/work. You're more saintly than me just for that.

Your children living at home MUST be the priority. If you don't have the room, if you don't have the energy or time, if you think your existing children won't cope with more upheaval, they are ALL perfectly good reasons for saying no and sticking to said no regardless of SS's "solutions".

I'd also be worried about what happens when his ex potentially has another child with her lowlife partner, and another, and another. She doesn't sound the most responsible person in the world and it's not by any stretch, unheard of. I personally wouldn't be willing to set the precedent that any of SD's siblings can be brought to you.

It's very sad for this child but ultimately it is not your responsibility or that of your existing children's to disrupt your lives to fix this mess. You have understandably taken on SD as your husbands child but this is way beyond that.

They often do offer larger accomodation. They did to my family who they asked to consider the same thing about 3 children of a relative.

But it's not just about space. It's about time, energy, the existing family members and so so much more. The space doesn't solve everything.

Neither you nor your husband are this child's relatives and you are the people being asked to care for this child.

At the very least, if you want to do it tell them you want proper foster parent training and the full fostering rate but honestly I'd still hesitate to add a child who may need a lot of help and attention to an already crowded household.

You don't have the room and probably the emotional energy to Foster a 4 year old girl who has .more than likely seen too much in her young life, its in her and your families best interst to say no to fostering,but offer for the sisters to see each other.

The child isn’t related to her DH either

I know a family in a similar situation. The mother had a drug and alcohol problem, but managed to have a further 2 children after her first 2 children were settled with relatives. It was a shit show.

All adults involved make sure all the children see eachother.

If you took this child in, how would you feel about another one down the line?

Also agree with others re the dinner. It's a tactic to worm their way in to your home and pile on the guilt. I've seen this play out with my family as I've said upthread. It started as 'could you just take them for dinner/for a walk/to the cinema' and ended with enormous pressure to take them full time because they were happy with my family.

I'd ring back and tell her honestly that you felt cornered and the conversation should have never happened in front of the children. Tell her after more consideration you won't be able to accomodate the weekly visits. IF you want to you could offer something on a more informal and less frequent schedule.

Agree with PPs though your husband needs to also be dealing with this. It's not fair that this situation has essentially landed entirely at your door. Both the care for SD and now this pressure from SS to provide weekly playdates with her sister.

If anything your husband should be the one finishing work early one afternoon and ferrying his daughter to see her sister.

Can he really not do anything? Its all well and good PP saying 'when he's home he needs to take the lead' but that may be barely at all it he's working all hours. It's still OP doing the vast majority for children who are not hers when she has her own children who need her. Honestly what would your husband do if you weren't around?

a four year old girl will be easy to place with foster carers

I'm sorry, this is simply not true. There is a terrible shortage of foster carers in this country. I know of very young children placed at the other end of the country or even in residential care because there are just no other options.

I do agree however, that this is something you and your DH need to think very carefully about OP, and it is absolutely ok to say no if you feel it is more than you can manage. Make sure you are given full information about what you would be taking on in terms of appointments, contact with her mother (and possibly her father), and her individual needs. Maybe ask to speak to the current foster carers about why the placement with them is breaking down.

Definitely complain about the way the social worker raised it with you. Social workers are managing hugely complex caseloads and often don't have the time or headspace to work out the best way to do something. I hope she walked away from that conversation kicking herself and wishing she'd handled it better. But if she didn't she definitely needs to learn from it.

I would complain about the approach the social worker took, it’s not right at all. I don’t understand why they didn’t speak to your DH, this is his extended family, not really yours. I honestly wouldn’t do this in your position and I wouldn’t do visits as often as they wish either, I would do maybe once a month. Children are busy and you are too, way too busy for nightly or even weekly visits on school nights. This child probably needs more care and attention than you can give her and so it really doesn’t seem like the best solution for your family or for her. What a nightmare.

Of course you would not be unreasonable to say no. You are doing quite enough already. And I would put in a formal complaint about the social worker.

Honestly I think you should suck it up and do it.

Foster care can be horrific. It's your husband's daughter'a sister. Maybe you can have her until DSD finishes uni or establishes a career and then DSD can take over.

I worked in the foster care sector and I would turn my world upside down to keep a child in my orbit out of it.

I would ask for a formal meeting with SS and your DH and no children present, and preferably another person to advocate for you so you're not outnumbered, to discuss the practicalities.

What can they offer in terms of funding, practical support, a bigger house, bigger/faster extension? etc. before you make a decision.

What could you do with the fostering money to take some pressure off? A cleaner, paying someone to do laundry? Fewer hours for your DH? Think laterally what would make life easier?