Been asked to foster step daughters sister

[ljbx3]

So abit of a long story but I'll keep it as short as I can. I met my husband 8 years ago, I had 3 children from a previous relationship and he had a child with his ex. She was 18 months when we met and we would have her every weekend. Fastforward to 2016 and I had my fourth child with my husband. Anyway out the blue we had a call from ss to say they had concerns for my husbands daughter and they placed her on a child in need plan. This was over the mum being in an abusive relationship. Ss were involved for a period of time but backed off. My husbands ex went on to have a baby with her abusive partner but we were not aware of further ss involvement untill another out of the blue phonecall last year to say the children will now be placed on child protection. Ss had been involved for a number of months but my husband was not informed by either his ex or ss! Apparently 5 different social worker's had been working on the case but for whatever reason left and the case was taken over by someone new. Last October an incident occurred and my step daughter was placed with us and his ex was moved to a refuge along with her youngest child. They were there for 7 months and then was moved to another area. My stepdaughter wished to be back with her mum and sister so ss said they were happy for her to do so as in their eyes the risk of harm was gone. Anyway turns out the mum had been lying the entire time and was still having a relationship with the abusive partner the entire time she was in a refuge and disclosed to him her new address. Ss were obviously not happy and took her to court to remove the children again. My stepdaughter came back to living with us and her sister went to a foster family. The final court hearing is not untill next year and its unlikely they will be returned as the mum has been dishonest too many times. She also has alcohol issues herself. Now this is where it gets confusing. We live in a small 3 bedroom social housing property. I have an 18 year old, 17 year old, 14 year old and a 7 year old who has autism and sleep problems, so already crowded and my own daughter can be quite challenging. Of course I wouldn't see my husbands daughter be put into fostercare so I agreed for her to stay long term. It has been extremely hard with space and the upheaval for my other children. I am attending college and my husband works all hours so I am basically the main career for all children and am responsible for getting sd to contact ect. The whole situation is hard. But now the social worker has made it even harder. She turned up and asked to take sd out to have sibling time. That was fine by me, but an hour later she was knocking on my door with sd and her sister asking if they could come in for a chat. Baring in mind I have never met this child, but I was put on the spot by sw so I agreed. The children went to play upstairs while the sw chatted to me. She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other. Again I felt at the time I couldn't say no so reluctantly agreed. She then proceeded to tell the child the plans which obviously pleased both her and my stepdaughter. The conversation moved on quickly to asking me if myself and husband would consider fostering her. I said we don't have room for yet another child but it seemed that whatever answer I had she had an answer back. We are planning on building a garden room for my eldest to move into and she knew this so suggested that once it's completed in January I would have space. I was gobsmacked and tbh did not know what to say. The conversation was in earshot of children! The other potential careers coming forward to care for her had a negative assessment so she wouldn't be placed with them. When the social worker was leaving she said again about the fostering, saying I would be paid ect and to have a chat with my husband over it. Now my own daughter who has autism has struggled as it is with the massive change and I do not feel comfortable about this new agreement of weekly dinner with a child I do not know and is my husbands exs child. I feel cornered into something from the sw and now my stepdaughter as she heard the conversation. What are peoples thoughts on this? Am I being unreasonable if I turn around and say no?

I have already put in a complaint as it left me feeling very uncomfortable.

Good-I think she was totally unprofessional.

I know of two families recently who have fostered. One who took in an extended family member into an already crowded house-they were rushed into making the decision in a hurry and told lots of support would be available. When it came to it though, it was done under a kinship arrangement which provided virtually no funding for the ‘mum’ (or the school to put in any support) and SW have barely been heard from again.

The other family fostered a child who had huge SEMH difficulties and the family were told they would receive help and counselling from a social worker for the existing family’s children but this never happened. They were both promised all sorts of things which persuaded them it would be ok!

You shouldn’t be picking anyone up from school to come back for tea-if the current foster careers want to bring her round for a play, I might agree to that.

You need to think about your existing family, time and space-you cannot be responsible for this child. Ignore all the people on here telling you to suck it up-if they feel strongly about it, they can register as a foster carer this morning themselves.

Did you say you wouldn’t be doing it when you phoned to complain?

@ljbx3
I’m shocked at how forceful SS are being with you!
the new child isn’t even your husband’s child?
Say No.
It’s a huge, unfair ask.
The half sibling is probably very hard to manage-
SS will try to fudge this.

What does she mean, she's not getting on with her Foster family? If she's aggressive and naughty, then I wouldn't have her on a permanent basis. Find out what that means.

I wouldn't mind the tea once a week. How does your husband feel about the fostering?

Cross posted with OPs update, glad you have made a complaint.

Ignore all the people on here telling you to suck it up-if they feel strongly about it, they can register as a foster carer this morning themselves.

This absolutely.
My friend adopted a 4 yr old and was promised lots of help.
Child had been difficult in foster, and SS said “Child just needs a nice, stable , quiet home”

Was like a bomb going off in their family.
Friend said they had Zero help and were lied to bt SS.

They paid for expensive counselling themselves, and it has been a long, hard road for everyone in the family.

Say “No”
People haven’t a clue what fostering and adoption can be like- the early damage wrought to children by feckless birth parents can have lasting probs

@ljbx3 I’d worry about potential FAS as the birth mother has alcohol problems.

Tea once a week is fine and more than generous. But you really have to prioritise your own older DC, who are in a very overcrowded house already. They have had to go through a lot of changes to facilitate your growing family. Imagine your parents telling you you have to move into the garden to make space? In the nicest way possible OP your household does not need any more dc, especially not a taumatized 4 year old. It's not in anyone's best interest, SS just want to save money.

She explained that my sd sister who is 4 was not getting on with the foster family and asked me in a very direct way if I would pick her up from school once a week and give her tea so they can spend more time with each other.

It sounds like she wants you to do the foster careers job unpaid whilst they get some time off? Better to look at why that placement isn’t working than give you the job! Does the 4 year old go to the same school as hours? Why can’t the fosterers have your DH’s child round for tea?

This.
Friend’s adoptive child had ( has)huge issues.
A child who is “easy” is likely to be kept on by foster carers.

Yes exactly, investigate why the Foster placement is not working out. I'd take a guess she is very hard work due to her issues and the placement is breaking down.

So SS want you to foster an unrelated child (to either of the adults in the family) who almost certainly will have significant trauma, possible foetal alcohol syndrome, and has a birth father from a notoriously difficult family who might make trouble?
And they want you to do this when:

• you are already significantly overcrowded with 7 people in a small 3 bedroom house and the LA have said they cant rehouse you somewhere bigger for 40 years (helpful). This would make 8 people.

• your eldest, despite being 18, is disabled and will need further operations so must be classed as a vulnerable adult and in need of additional support from you.

• your own youngest has significant SEND issues and needs a lot of support from you.

• your SD is coming from a traumatised background as well, and with your DH working long hours to support you all financially, this is mostly coming from you.

You have 2 'normal needs' children already and 3 'high needs' children, no space and only one of you most of the time (because DH is working). I'm appalled that they think this is in any way acceptable even before considering how she cornered you. Even if she is only thinking of the 4 year old because she is the one on her books, how can she possibly think you are in a position to be able to give her the care she needs? This is an unfair and impossible ask of you OP.

Sorry not sure what happened with the spacing there.

I'm sure everyone agrees that it's in both girls interest to keep them together. However, is it realistic for you to raise six children when that already includes three teenagers and one with particular needs? In addition to the demands on your attention, time, and money, can you and your husband grow to love this child as much as your others? Or will she grow up knowing that she is the spare, add-on, burden?
Are there no other relatives of the girls mother who could take both sisters together and you maintain shared custody?
It's a horrible position to be put in and the social worker was very wrong to speak to you about this when the children could hear, how unprofessional.
This is very much a decision that you need to make with your head rather than your heart.

A very difficult situation OP that the SW should have discussed with your DH. Obviously your husbands DC needs him right now and they need to be his priority. You DH needs to consider the impact this will have on them. I don't know what the answer is. Could your husband adjust his working pattern? Would the council help with housing him and the 2 DC separately so you have more space? I have no idea. There's no right or wrong answer, each will have it's own negative impact.

Would the council help with housing him and the 2 DC separately so you have more space?

If the DH works all hours, him looking after a 4 and 8 (?) year old isn’t going to be possible.

The crux of it is that you are expected to be the default carer here of two children that aren’t yours! What would happen if your DH hadn’t remarried?

You do it if you have the spare capacity, willingness, and if it doesn't negatively impact your children. It sounds like none of those apply so you'd be absolutely mad to do this.

The child needing fostering isn't the DH child from what I can see. There's no responsibility on him

If you fostered your exhdd it would mean she could stay with her sister. It really would make a massive positive difference to both girls. I don't know your housing arrangements but it sounds as if you are overcrowded anyway. Could you buy a larger house with additional bedroom. Your DSD could share with her sister. You would be paid for fostering. I am a foster carer and foster a child with complex needs. I get a £30k fostering allowance but I can't go out to work as child has too many needs. The fostering allowance is mostly tax free, so I only pay tax on about £3k, so £27 pa tax free. Could you use this money to get bigger house? It would be so good for your partner's DD to have her sister live with her. Is the sister a difficult child or just in need of a loving home? Plus 2 of your own DC are 18 and 17 so may be at uni soon anyway. Do give it some careful thought. You would have to go through fostering assessment anyway and this may take 4-5 months.

@caringcarer did you read that the Ops 18yo has a physical disability too?

As much as I think it would be good for the 4 yo. I think it's a huge ask for the Op.

She has 3 teens, the step child must be about 10, and the Autistic 7 yo.
Adding another complex child could lead to family breakdown.

As child is not blood relative you should get full fostering Allowance, not kinship foster.

I do agree that it would be amazing for this child if she could come and live with her sister.
But you will need to fight like mad for anything that you should get and it is an enormous task to take on.
You should not feel guilty if you cannot do it.

Before I took it on, I would want proper meetings to talk through all the practicalities, and I would want money.
That may sound mercenary, but it is the only thing that will make it doable.
Guaranteed full foster allowance (I have a friend who has long term fostered 2 kids, now about 13 years, I once asked her if she would ever adopt them, and she said no, because at the moment SS pays her, which enables her to do it without working as well, and both kids are high needs with loads of regular appointments etc. Also once adopted all responsibiliyt and support stops)
Guaranteed bigger house - girl doesn't come until after you have moved.
respite care, at least once a month for a weekend (you won't get that much, but at least you might get something)
Serious conversations with current foster carers about her needs and behaviours.

I am astonished that SS are considering this when there isn't a bedroom available. Surely she can't share with anyone except her birth sister?

I would also put in a complaint about how the SS talked about it all in front of the kids. Mainly so that SS understand that you are not going to be a push over.

Wow it’s a huge NO NO NO from me. You simply do not have the emotional band width and energy for an extra child. You already have FAR too much on your plate. You have done a huge thing taking on your step daughter to the possible detriment of your own children but I think you had to.

These two see each other at the contact centre and at school . There is no need at all for her to come to tea- it is justa way to manipulate you into becoming involved.

It’s a sad situation but I think you need to put your own oxygen mask on first.

Sorry, I worded this very badly. I meant the impact losing a sister would have on his DC, along with all the other impact she is already experiencing.

You don’t have to do this. But if you did, you would change two lives for the better. It would be amazing, like a life changing act of selflessness. I’d have to do it, personally. For this reason.

@caringcarer you really need to read the thread.

The child in question is not the Biological child of either the OP nor her DH. It is the DSD’s sister, so same mother DH’s ex, but different father.

The housing arrangements are a Housing Association 3 bed property with 7 people already living in it. Two of the children have additional needs one physical the other SEN. They already need a larger HA property where the wait list is 40 years!

SS appear to be trying to do a kinship placement where the OP and her DH would get no where near the c£30k you suggest.