Page 9 | SD living with us and I can’t cope.

SudocremOnEverything · 13/09/2022 10:41

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:34

@SudocremOnEverything
Presumably the OP’s “empathy” is for the 9 year old child

No. I don’t really think it is. That’s just a pretext for having a go at the person struggling and posting here about it.

This is a support forum. And people seem so desperate to do the exact opposite of supporting people who post on it.

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 10:45

HumptyDumpty2022 · 13/09/2022 10:34

The pressure of having someone else's child in your own home, either full or part time shouldn't be under estimated. I feel for you, I couldn't have done it. Having SC in my home during their contact time with their father nearly killed me and I do appreciate how unreasonable that is, it's just a fact.

And yet op has been happy for the dp to be doing so for 3 of her kids?

bringincrazyback · 13/09/2022 10:53

Doingprettywellthanks · 12/09/2022 20:12

Because I am angry and sad for the 9 year old daughter caught up in this.

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That's all very well and good, but are you also 'angry and sad' for OP's youngest child who has behavioural problems and possible SN? And the teen who is having MH issues? They matter as much as the OP's SD, don't they? - and just like the SD, and the OP, they now have new adjustments to make.

That's not the fault of any of the kids concerned, obviously, but it's not the OP's fault either and I'm finding it pretty difficult to understand why some pps are claiming one extra child 'shouldn't' make any difference. Especially with six kids in the mix overall.

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 10:57

@bringincrazyback I'm presuming @Doingprettywellthanks means like several pp that the anger is the fact op is placing the blame for things not going well soley on the SD? Hence the anger?

HumptyDumpty2022 · 13/09/2022 10:57

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 10:45

And yet op has been happy for the dp to be doing so for 3 of her kids?

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Perhaps her DH was able to cope better? Some are obviously able to cope, so aren't.

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:58

bringincrazyback · 13/09/2022 10:53

That's all very well and good, but are you also 'angry and sad' for OP's youngest child who has behavioural problems and possible SN? And the teen who is having MH issues? They matter as much as the OP's SD, don't they? - and just like the SD, and the OP, they now have new adjustments to make.

That's not the fault of any of the kids concerned, obviously, but it's not the OP's fault either and I'm finding it pretty difficult to understand why some pps are claiming one extra child 'shouldn't' make any difference. Especially with six kids in the mix overall.

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Yes I am

Very much so

the decisions of adults in this scenario - to “blend families” to increase the size of the family further yet - have impacted all the children in this scenario and I can’t imagine any of them are very happy with the current status quo

SudocremOnEverything · 13/09/2022 11:00

How do you imagine that you indulging your anger helps anyone in this situation?

All the children here exist. Complaining that the adults live together and had more
children helps no one at all.

SudocremOnEverything · 13/09/2022 11:12

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 10:57

@bringincrazyback I'm presuming @Doingprettywellthanks means like several pp that the anger is the fact op is placing the blame for things not going well soley on the SD? Hence the anger?

But she hasn’t blamed the SD. Actually read the OP.

She’s actually outlined the problem as being a change in circumstances such that it feels like the straw that broke the camel’s back. That’s not blaming the SD even if her coming to live FT and the associated change in dynamics and routine is the thing that’s me pushed it over the edge.

The other issue she’s outlined in the OP is very clearly her partner’s attitude about it all and the lack of support she’s getting from him. He’s in no way acknowledging the shift in dynamic there or the disproportionate effect on the OP. Especially since she’s explained in subsequent posts that he doesn’t help with her 3 children, nor is he supporting the household.

I (me!) own our house outright, freelance from home on a part time basis as and when, DP does not support my older DC financially. We share household costs. He has never had a ‘hands on’ relationship with my older DC and has never had to care for them alone on a regular basis. He has always worked a lot, often on weekends. I look after SD on these days and throughout holidays.

Then there’s the fact that things feel
so bad she’s thinking that separation might be the answer.

At no point has she said that he SD is the problem. But the problem is that she’s now expected to care for an extra child and it’s too much on top of everything else. but, because she’s a stepmother, people have jumped on how awful she is for ‘blaming’ her poor SD, told her that her youngest shouldn’t exist and she should get rid of her eldest so she can concentrate on the SD and so forth. These same people aren’t picking up on the obvious element of the SD’s father not supporting her. They’ve all just applied to on the floor bar for men to the situation and assumed he’s financially supporting everyone. But actually it sounds very much like it’s a tough situation and he’s just expected the OP to deal with everything for him.

bringincrazyback · 13/09/2022 11:15

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 10:57

@bringincrazyback I'm presuming @Doingprettywellthanks means like several pp that the anger is the fact op is placing the blame for things not going well soley on the SD? Hence the anger?

I don't get a feeling of blame towards the SD from the OP's posts, though. She's posting because she isn't coping. Stating that the SD's arrival is the issue that has tipped the balance for her isn't the same thing as blaming, in fact the OP explicitly states that the SD's a good kid and she likes her.

I'm wondering if some of the antipathy on this thread is due to the fact that the OP hasn't said she loves SD/considers her as her own. But stepparenting is a different beast to parenting one's own kids. I'm pointing this out because I'm not convinced everyone piling in on this thread actually has stepparenting experience themselves. (@MichelleScarn that last remark isn't aimed at you, it's a general comment.)

bringincrazyback · 13/09/2022 11:17

Doingprettywellthanks · 13/09/2022 10:58

Yes I am

Very much so

the decisions of adults in this scenario - to “blend families” to increase the size of the family further yet - have impacted all the children in this scenario and I can’t imagine any of them are very happy with the current status quo

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So what are you suggesting the OP and her partner could have done differently?

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 11:21

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Original poster

User38271438373 · 13/09/2022 11:24

For the five few years my older three spent 50% of the time with their father. DP’s DD lived with her mothe (she moved) hundreds of miles away and we only saw her a few weeks a year. DP and I were alone for a fair amount of time. We had one child together then while still BFing I found out I was 3 months pregnant. I cried for pretty much the whole pregnancy.

Then my children’s father moved some distance away making it impractical to see them regularly. This was unexpected. Then DSD came to live with us, also unexpected.

DP has a different relationship with my DC, he has never had to look after them alone regularly and is often out of the house. I have always been the main caregiver.

OP posts:

pinheadlarry · 13/09/2022 11:30

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pinheadlarry · 13/09/2022 11:36

User38271438373 · 13/09/2022 11:24

For the five few years my older three spent 50% of the time with their father. DP’s DD lived with her mothe (she moved) hundreds of miles away and we only saw her a few weeks a year. DP and I were alone for a fair amount of time. We had one child together then while still BFing I found out I was 3 months pregnant. I cried for pretty much the whole pregnancy.

Then my children’s father moved some distance away making it impractical to see them regularly. This was unexpected. Then DSD came to live with us, also unexpected.

DP has a different relationship with my DC, he has never had to look after them alone regularly and is often out of the house. I have always been the main caregiver.

Youre not able to explain why you don't want your SD around..

Shes not doing anything wrong, you just don't want her to live with you,
Do you not understand that she is your husbands first child?
You may not ever love her the same way he does, but you need to get over your "uncomfortable" feelings, and start bonding with your SD, the poor girl must feel so unwanted right now.
Find something , anything that you both can do together, whether its cooking dinner together, watching a TV show with her, taking her shopping with you alone
And over time you will hopefully really start to care about her
Also let her have a close relationship with her siblings, your kids

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 11:40

@User38271438373 what prompted you SD to come live with you now? What changed?

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 11:42

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 11:40

@User38271438373 what prompted you SD to come live with you now? What changed?

Same as why her own 3 eldest dc now live full time there, other parent moved. Seems fine to change things for her dc, but not for sd.

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 11:46

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 11:42

Same as why her own 3 eldest dc now live full time there, other parent moved. Seems fine to change things for her dc, but not for sd.

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Sounds like that was before. It's mentioned to explain why they used to see SD very rarely. Not why she moved in with them now.

DP’s DD lived with her mothe (she moved) hundreds of miles away and we only saw her a few weeks a year. DP and I were alone for a fair amount of time.

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 11:49

Does there need to be a reason? Maybe she just wanted to live with her dad?

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 11:59

MichelleScarn · 13/09/2022 11:49

Does there need to be a reason? Maybe she just wanted to live with her dad?

And her mom willingly handed her over? Don't be naive...

My gut feeling is that the circumstances are much more tragic than that. Hence why OP refuses to answer.

Blondeshavemorefun · 13/09/2022 12:14

LongLivedQueen · 13/09/2022 10:19

Why are people saying the DH has 3 children?

Probably because he has 3 children.

The 9yr

and the two he has with @User38271438373

bringincrazyback · 13/09/2022 12:55

RandomMusings7 · 13/09/2022 11:59

And her mom willingly handed her over? Don't be naive...

My gut feeling is that the circumstances are much more tragic than that. Hence why OP refuses to answer.

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Or maybe the circumstances are private?

SudocremOnEverything · 13/09/2022 13:09

bringincrazyback · 13/09/2022 12:55

Or maybe the circumstances are private?

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All these super empathetic posters angry on the 9 year old’s behalf want to hear all the difficult and upsetting details of her life.

EkinWho · 13/09/2022 13:15

So your three kids circumstances changed and your partners 1 kid circumstances changed yet it's her that's pushing you over the edge. I feel for you being overwhelmed. But I feel more for your SD who has already lost her main caregiver and is now being thought of as too much to deal with in her new home. You have a husband issue. Your family has changed and so must how much both of you are expected to commit. Also, how is leaving going to help. 6 kids and 2 parents versus 5 kids and a single parent. You really are being unfair to your SD

HeckyPeck · 13/09/2022 13:55

User38271438373 · 12/09/2022 10:38

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

It's all very well for your DP to say you're being ridiculous when he has never done any childcare or provided support for your children, but has now lumped you with 2hrs child care a day plus school holidays and weekends when he works for his daughter.

I would rather be a single parent to 5 children than be treated like free childcare from a partner, not even thanked for it and then be told I'm ridiculous for struggling.

HeckyPeck · 13/09/2022 13:57

EkinWho · 13/09/2022 13:15

So your three kids circumstances changed and your partners 1 kid circumstances changed yet it's her that's pushing you over the edge. I feel for you being overwhelmed. But I feel more for your SD who has already lost her main caregiver and is now being thought of as too much to deal with in her new home. You have a husband issue. Your family has changed and so must how much both of you are expected to commit. Also, how is leaving going to help. 6 kids and 2 parents versus 5 kids and a single parent. You really are being unfair to your SD

But the 6 kids and 2 parents part is actually 6 kids and only 1 parent who does any meaningful childcare for then all.

I'd rather be alone with my own children than in such an unequal situation.