SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

What kind of charity would help in this scenario? Genuinely curious.

NSPCC might provide a contact, and here's one with a website. I believe the case I mentioned was a small local charity, possibly with religious affiliation - not sure about that. My friend went into the family home and played with an autistic child for a few hours a week. That allowed Mum to get some other stuff done and take a mental break - she was dealing with terminal illness in the family at the same time. The child was full on and into everything!

www.familylives.org.uk/

God this is depressing. Way to make her feel like a nuisance.

God this is depressing. Way to make her feel like a nuisance.

Depends on the approach. If the helper took care of OP's SEN child for 2 hours, OP might have more mental space for DSD. More than one way of slicing an egg.

I don't know what's more depressing.

The fact op came on here rather bravely and spoke about her MH struggles and looking for some practical solution and there have been various comments about, she shouldn't have reproduced so much and a fair amount of shaming non constructive comments which help 0. But make the posters clearly get some joy out kicking someone when they are down.

Or the fact that if she had said - she has 6 children and some children with SEN issue and she was mum struggling with her mental health peoples people would offer at least practical advice rather what's going down here. I doubt many would say well it's your fault, you should have known this would be hell and tell a mum she shouldn't have reproduce so much and get on with it.

This is a awful situation for all involved.
She wouldn't have posted if she was actively trying to push her DSD out or didn't care about her. Which has been said here subtly or otherwise. She's reached breaking point ffs. Hasn't every mum been there at one point ?

I hate to say it but behind every op- there's a genuine person and none of us will know the lives consequences of these comments. Caroline flack springs to mind... so maybe a bit of kindness while people are typing out constructive advice wouldn't go a miss.

Thank you. And to all the others who’ve offered some constructive advice, I appreciate it and have taken it on board. Clearly I do not dislike my SD, I care about her very much and would say I love her, not in the same way as my DC but I hope that will come with time.

So far on this this thread I’ve been called a cow, told I’m a disgrace to stepmothers, told that I should never have ‘popped out’ my youngest child, been called selfish among many other digs and assumptions. After ten years on mumsnet I’ve grown a pretty thick skin though - this would have upset me A LOT a few years ago but at my age I can shrug off the shitty comments. Sadly there are still desperate posters who make themselves vulnerable and receive vile goading, abuse and judgements when asking for help.

I do wonder if a lot of the goady posts which kick women when they’re down are made by lonely men sat in grubby y-fronts surrounded by beer cans and tissues.

I think it must be really easy to live with your DSC if you rarely see them except when they're fast asleep....

But it’s impossible to help when you’re deliberately withholding key information.

Is your kid’s dad, or other relatives, around that could help you more or take them more often?
Why is the little girl living with you? What happened?
Do you receive maintenance from your ex?

It’s hard to get a full picture when you’re being deliberately coy with important pieces of the jigsaw, and it gives posters the impression that you’re deliberately hiding things that are unflattering to you.

For what it’s worth I’m sorry if the ‘popping out’ comment offended you. But I didn’t say you shouldn’t have had your youngest child, just that you should’ve factored this potential outcome in when you decided to have a lot of children.

The problem is that a lot of poster just use any extra information to beat you over the head with.FWIW I get an average amount of maintenance from my ex, family aren’t in good health or live too far away to spend much time with the children. I don’t really want to go into the details of SD’s mother, she has had problems and cannot care for her.

SD is well cared for and loved here, I am just struggling.

It gives posters the impression that you’re deliberately hiding things that are unflattering to you.

It may give some posters that impression depending on their on biases. To me tbh it's smart. Some people don't feel comfortable sharing all personal details on mumsnet, given how frequently these posts are picked up by dailfail as fluff pieces to go viral.

Also just from a perspective of we aren't a jury or a Judge and we aren't here to decided if op is innocent or guilty by society standards. She doesn't have to hand people the tools to beat her with.

People have already beaten her with how many kids she's chosen to have. I doubt she's thinking oh this is a warm welcoming crowd..

Okay, well does your ex take your kids for any amount of time? Can he increase this? Could you come to a new, better arrangement with him?

OP stated that her ex had recently moved away, bringing their previous 50/50 arrangement to an end. I'd imagine this was pretty cataclysmic on top of everything else. All the children will be feeling it. Suddenly everyone on top of each other most of the time.

Oh I missed that, my mistake.

Before she came to live with them SD only saw her dad a few weeks a year 😢

It all sounds very messy. I’m judging the DH for that though.

Yep, I reached breaking point this morning and I only have one child and have to get work. I want to go to the highest mountain and scream.

Wouid it help to have some after school help so an after school nanny /granny

@DarceyG if it helps. You are not bloody alone. I sometimes have a good scream into a pillow. Kids are hard. Amazing, Brillant and also biologically programmed to drive us into madness.

💐

What you need is some outside help.

Therapy for your DSD. She may well seem to be coping okay, but I’d wager she’s not.

Cleaner for you.

Wrap around care. Throw all the small children into after school club once or twice a week.

What do your friends say about the situation? Family?

No one has said much but that’s probably my fault because I’m the beginning it was a lot easier and I said as much to most people who enquired.

I suppose it’s settling into the new dynamic and all the stresses and strains that a busy family life brings. It’s difficult all round and one persons struggle doesn’t negate another’s.

I do get annoyed that some of DP’s family doesn’t offer more support. They don’t live close though so that probably why. My family have been supportive.
my ex has a partner who has slowly cut our DC out of his life so I do know what a bad stepmother looks like. I also have a bad one of my own. I’m just determined not to be that person.

Here we go again….. 🙄

@Scorpio8 I say this with as much sympathy and restraint that I can. I have engaged with you on your own post and realise there are other factors at play that that have influenced what you have put here and I wont drag that into here. But You cannot project your own situation and personal feelings on to op she is not your SM.

Op clearly is asking for help (as you have on here) and the above was unkind, unfair and no parallels to what you view is going on in your situation.

I say this kindly, respectfully and firmly.
Her MH is not good. Do not be that person to push another off a bridge because of your own struggles.

What about being more detached, sorta like a military commander training the troops ?

You are amazing OP. You are the main caregiver and you may feel you are spreading yourself to thinly but trust me in years to come all the children will know how much you have done for them all. On to other things your husband needs to help more it's as simple as that. You all need time to adjust so separating may not be the answer as it's early days. The dynamic has changed but with a little more time hopefully it will be for the best. Don't ever put yourself down and ignore the silly comments. All you can do is your best, speak with your partner and try out another option of linking after all the children between the two of you even someone to help you on one day or a cleaner once a week to sort out the household chores so atleast that will take some strain off. Speak to the gp about some councilling and treat yourself to something nice or a meal out or something. Please don't give up these children obviously need you but you need help.

Actually @Scorpio8, the disabilist things you’ve said here are really awful.

Just because others are also being vile does not excuse the things you’ve said.