SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

Look what exactly did you want op to take from this comment.

I mean other than lumping a load of shame on to someone who has already literally said her MH is bad and it trying to get some help.

But that's just making it all about you, isn't it? Your feelings. Not relevant in this situation, sorry. Got useful advice, then we're listening.

I have read all the OP's post but I haven't read all the replies so may well be repeating, but it sounds like a DH problem more than anything. six children in the household and it sounds like he's doing bugger all childcare. It's all very well feeling guilty because you're the stay at home parent, but as you'll have read on mumsnet a thousand times, you don't get to clock off when you're the SAHP and that can be truly depleting on mental, emotional and physical levels. Add in children with mental health difficulties, SEN and upheaval and no wonder you're at breaking point, I think any one of us would be too.

I think you need to work out what you need in order for this to work, and then sit down with your H to spell it out. A nanny/mother's help for X hours a week, after school clubs that give you an hour or two's grace, him to take over in the evenings, a cleaner, a cook, a minimum of 2 hours of an evening when he gets home he has them and cooks dinner while you go out for a walk/coffee with a friend/to the gym to empty your stress tank and refill your reserves away from it all. He is simply going to have to meet your needs too somewhere in all of this because if not he's going to end up with no wife to do his childcare/housekeeping etc and find himself having no choice but to do it all for 3+ kids at least 50% of the week.

I’m not saying this nastily but it’s wording here I think is important for getting help and for you and dp to work on this. Because if you’ve worded it like you have here it would get any parents back up.because what if he said “ok so 1 more child is the problem,my SD? How about we get rid of one of yours then?” How would you feel.if it’s too much why is the SD too much?
it’s isn’t. It’s the joe total of 6 especially if you’ve astablished some sort of routine with the others. But 6 is a lot.
but by looking at it as the SD it’s going to be causing more harm.you will be feeling this towards her and she WILL be feeling it too. And so too will the others so your all in this hotbed of emotions and unable to see past your tiredness to rational problem solving. And your dp will just be thinking of you calling his daughter the problem.
so come back at it as the load.of all 6.
go to your dp and say everything you have to deal with is too much. Don’t mention any of the children. Just say all of this.

Sorry OP but I can't get past the fact that you had three kids. Then had two more with DH, knowing full well that he has one child too... who, if circumstances called for it, might one day need to live with her dad. Now that it's happened you're resenting HER. Even before she came to live with you, you had six kids between you - that's not changed. But obviously the dynamics in the household have.

Splitting up is not a solution for anyone. You'll need to work with your DH on adjusting your set-up to accommodate the change in dynamics. Be it him being more hands on, and/or getting paid help, and/or your eldest three spending more time with their own dad and family or grandparents.

Know several of these enormous blended families friends of friends - two marriages breakdown each person in the new couple has 3 or 4 kids they want all the kids at once so the new couple get every other weekend childfree so these poor kids end up being part of a crowd of 6 or 7 with presumably limited quality time with the parent. I would have bloody hated that as an older child / young teen.

The adults in this scenario.

Were any of the posts - the helpful ones - useful?
Have you made a decision op?

Why are people saying the DH has 3 children? If they were to split up, the OP's children would be treated as "children of the marriage" so DH has 6 and as SD is a new arrival OP would be considered as only having 5.

DH had a CHOICE when he married OP and CHOSE to take on her children, what's the betting OP had this thrust upon her with no real debate.

OP I am sorry this is happening to you, is there anyway SD can move out until proper arrangements which you both properly agree to? Even just for a short time

Whaaat? Why are OP's 3 eldest "children of the marriage"? They already have a father, and it's not OP's husband. He has no reaponsability to care for them is the relationship we're to end. Not to mention that I have a strong feeling OP is not even married

*if the relationship were to end

You know… squat all about divorce in this country.

Actually less than squat all. If that’s even possible!

And as for suggesting this 9 year old child “moves out until proper arrangements can be made”. WTAF

Why are people saying the DH has 3 children? If they were to split up, the OP's children would be treated as "children of the marriage" so DH has 6 and as SD is a new arrival OP would be considered as only having 5. pmsl. Sorry but you do know that children are not assets don’t you?

These aren’t cash transactions we’re talking about, step children aren’t considered to be part of the marital pot when you divorce. What a bonkers suggestion.

Why are people saying the DH has 3 children? If they were to split up, the OP's children would be treated as "children of the marriage" so DH has 6 and as SD is a new arrival OP would be considered as only having 5.

A new' arrival wtf?! Op has been in her life since she was 1!!

actually reading this again this is possibly the most barking post I’ve ever read on mn.

It will come up in one of those threads in years to come when people reflect back on the most bonkers things they’ve ever read on here.

Absolutely agree, if wanted to enter into this lunacy, OP had the CHOICE to marry him knowing he had a child! 😬

Why are people saying the DH has 3 children? If they were to split up, the OP's children would be treated as "children of the marriage" so DH has 6 and as SD is a new arrival OP would be considered as only having 5.

I'll bite and assume "children of the marriage" is a thing. Then, by your own twisted logic, isn't the stepdaughter also one? She precedes the marriage (if there ever was one) too. So both partners would be responsible for 6 kids after divorce, right @ChocoDoodle ?

Why are people saying the DH has 3 children?

Probably because he has 3 children.

There are 6 children here:
5 are the OP’s children
3 are the DP’s children

He does have 3 children. And 3 stepchildren. The OP has one stepchild and 5 children.

English divorce law (although it’s a DP not a DH) would consider all 6 children to be ‘children of the marriage’ in terms of the relative needs because the law is stupid in many ways.

But people are saying the DP has 3 children because he is the father of 3 children, with two different mothers.

Did you have an empathy bypass?

@SudocremOnEverything
Presumably the OP’s “empathy” is for the 9 year old child

The pressure of having someone else's child in your own home, either full or part time shouldn't be under estimated. I feel for you, I couldn't have done it. Having SC in my home during their contact time with their father nearly killed me and I do appreciate how unreasonable that is, it's just a fact.

The PP’s empathy I meant to say