SD living with us and I can’t cope.

[User38271438373]

I have been with DP for 8 years. SD (9) came to live with us 6 months ago. I have 3 DC from previous marriage and we have 2 DC together.

Life was fairly stressful before SD came to live with with us but it now feels unbearable and like the straw that broke the camels back. I like and care about SD, she’s a pleasant and fairly well behaved child. The dynamic of the household has changed though and things are now much more full on.

I’m a SAHM so collect SD DC from
school and look after them until DP gets home at 6. DP does morning school run so realistically I’m only looking after her alone for two hours a day.

I’ve DP says I’m being ridiculous (and a big part of me feels like I am too) and that he’s lived with my DC for years. I just can’t cope with an extra child in the house and it’s making me miserable. DP has been more stressed and we now argue a lot more.

is separating the only solution? I feel like a horrible person and a failure and wish I could just get on with it.

I can empathise up to a point - my 2nd DH and I brought up our combined 5 DC’s (he was a widower, and I was divorced with an absent ex), and it was very hard work. They were all fairly close together in age, and the workload was really heavy. I worked full time hours, but it included evenings and weekends, so I did have some time to shop/cook etc., during the day.
My DH also worked long hours, but we supported each other.
When you marry someone with DC’s, they are part of your family. You really must treat everyone the same. I can’t see how one extra can be so bad that you would rather be on your own. It doesn’t indicate that you love your partner.

How old are your children from previous rel

you are part time freelance and you completely financially support your own children? What part time free lance do you do… must be a money maker

Why half the bills? She provides 100% of the housing. For a household of 8 people. That’s not an insignificant contribution. Even if not directly contributing money, she’s saving the household a very significant amount by housing everyone. if I owned my house outright, I’d be substantially better off every month!

She also does some paid freelance work (which might be extremely lucrative - I know people who can earn £650 a day doing so
short term contracts, for example - or it might not; we dong know), does the childcare while her DP works, including care for a child with SN (also not an insignificant contribution in terms of money not paid out from the household budget), and probably contributes to the household budget with the child maintenance she receives and the child benefit.

She’s not some dreadful leech living off her DP - contributing nothing - who needs to pay her own way by being of use to him.

It sounds very much like the fact he’s never offered any practical help with her children may be a big factor in why she’s feeling this way about the change in circumstances. As others have said (and is often a case in stepfamilies), this isn’t really about the SD; it’s that the underlying issues come to the fore around the SD in various ways. The solution is not to moralise at her and tell her what an evil SM she is (or how she should never have had her youngest children); it’s to figure out what the issues actually are so she can find a useful way forward.

You sound overwhelmed OP but being a single mum to 5 isn't likely the answer unless your DP is truly useless. I think what you're referring to is your mental load is just over capacity. That's the bit you need your DP to understand. Can you afford to hire in more help? Him working away weekends really doesn't sound like it helps. Can that stop? There needs to be some way to relieve the pressure.

Let’s be honesy

this 6 year old girl will have moved in horrible circumstances no doubt. In to a what I suspect is a very crowded home, with relations between her father and SM clearly very tense.

i really feel very sorry for her. 6… so young and probably so confused

He does HIS kids school run every morning. The kids that aren't his are older.
Dropping a child off is not comparable to waiting around for them to come out it's the easy bit.

Poor dsd9

she was in your life before you had kids with your dh

she is not the problem. Maybe having 6kids is

Does your ex ever have your 3dc with him

why is dsd9 now living with you.

where is mum

I know, how utterly confusing to be inserted into a family away from her mother at the age of 6.

Poor mite.

I think in the circumstances I would over compensate with this child as she must be feeling so isolated.

Op can you not imagine from her point of view how vulnerable she must feel?

Just seen, she's actually 9, makes no difference.

9 almost worse as she will be more aware of this shit show

It's not your DSDs fault of course and she should be made to be welcome at her dad's home.

BUT you are entitled to feel how you feel OP. It doesn't matter whether your husband dealt with X Y or Z before (did he really do as much for your DC as he expects you to for his daughter?).

You don't have to feel happy or cope with something simply because your husband did. People have different limits, different things they can deal with and things they can't. It doesn't make your stress or your being overwhelmed any less valid just because your husband had to live with your older kids.

I don't know what the answer is. Separation is of course an option. Or you could look into some options suggested her like DP working less and taking on more of the childcare load.

But you're not a bad person nor are you unreasonable for having feelings.

Absolutely! I didn't mean just the SD. Although clearly the more support and love this child has the better. All the children should be spending more time with fathers/mothers/grandparents. It would help.

You are allowed to struggle and feel burnt out. Most parents do at different times. Rather than split up, maybe finding better solutions would be better for all of you. Mothering five children alone wouldn't be a walk in the park either. Leaving doesn't really solve your problems op.

I worry for the little SD and hope she isn't traumatised by what has happened to her. Losing her mother/no longer living with her will have the most enormous impact on her, it is not something you can deal with alone, and nor should you.

How does this help? Do you behave like this irl when someone asks for help?

The same water that boils the egg, softens the potato springs to my mind on this.

Op you sound burnt the hell out. Your DSD is in a awful position, and so are you. Both places of trauma can be recognised without invalidating the other.

The problem with depression is it's a self defence mechanism, your mind is literally turning off elements draining it of battery. You wouldn't have posted if you didn't feel empathy for your DSD. Well done for asking for help.

Practically family - friends where is your tribe (as my DSD calls it) can you ask for help to try and lessen the load.

All mums have had to do this at one point or another. This is a high pressure situation and there's no shame in asking for help.

Pls take care op 💐

Thank you, this means a lot 🥹

Because I am angry and sad for the 9 year old daughter caught up in this.

Why are you angry? Who are you angry at?

Hnrtft, sorry, but you need extra help - a childminder / mothers help or someone to come and share the load with you. It's probably difficult for everyone in your household but with 5 kids of your own plus SN & MH issues it's going to be hard anyway. SD is the only one you can "give back" because she's not yours, but she's the half sibling of 2 of the DC and the DC of your DP. She is part of the family. It's not her fault, it's not your fault. She's not the problem the load is the problem. Get someone in rather than pushing someone out. Or at least try that first! And remember you can't be all things to all people - no one can.

Maybe the SD’s father needs to take more of the load in supporting his family…

This is so lovely and wise

well done for reaching out.
you’re doing great. I don’t think this is a SD problem though, and I think it would help to try and say this is a general workload problem. Instead of blaming it on a 9 year old
like you’ve got too many kids to manage, not your dsd is the issue.
rhat will stop the resentment of dsd building, and hopefully go a way to keeping your family unit. Blaming dsd will do nothing to help the marriage and likely lead to a messed up adult who didn’t feel loved or wanted

with regards to your mh you should if in the uk be able to self refer to an iapt service for help with your low mood. Have you considered speaking to someone for help. You’ve got a lot on there’s no shame in getting help.

where else can you get help? Do you have friends? Can you afford a cleaner? A childminder? After school club? A nanny? Can you afford decent ready meals such as cook? Can you get a dishwasher if you don’t have one? And so on.

then look at how equitably you and dh are splitting stuff. Can he help more.

don’t panic, when you feel like this it’s hard to see the wood for the trees. You’re doing a grand job and there probably is a way out where you work all together and your a happy family
I know it’s a lot, but you are strong and brave and you are allowed support

Sorry my spelling is pants. But you know what I mean.
also take time for yourself
even if you have a bath paint yur toes etc etc you’re important and can’t pour from an empty cup.
you got this