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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step son problems

132 replies

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:07

My step son is a difficult little boy. (Aggressive, unemotional, doesn't like others company) He's only six, and personally I feel his issues are more rooted in how he is parented (lack of boundaries etc)

Anyway, I tend to keep out of it but over the last few months it's directly effected my DDs when he is here. He's threatened to hurt them, actually hurt them, and more recently started acting sexually explicit with them.

DP has tried talking to his ex on numerous occasions, but she is of the opinion that 'boys will be boys' and said my DD needed to get over it and that was 'her problem' as she is older than her son so should just take it,

Moving forward. My DDs came back from their dads today and the eldest two of them were really crying. It turns out that last time he was here, he was exposing himself to them again and refusing to stop. I asked why they didn't tell me and they didn't want to upset my partner. Six hours they sobbed for as we discussed it. They have only recently gone to sleep.

Essentially is DSS is here, my DDs don't want to be. I have 50/50 care with their dad and DP has EOW and school holidays with DSS. WTF do I do?

OP posts:

lunar1 · 11/09/2022 22:13

You put your children first unless you want them deciding to stay with their dad. There is absolutely nothing you can do that will work if your partner thinks the behaviour is ok.

AthenaPopodopolous · 11/09/2022 22:13

You tell the little boy that he is not to show his winky off and stop misbehaving. Do you share a home? You need to lay down boundaries and if it’s that bad, maybe move into separate homes.

nachoavocado · 11/09/2022 22:15

You move out with your DD

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 11/09/2022 22:15

Firstly can you rearrange contact weeks so the EOW DSS is there and the school holiday weeks he's there your DDs are with their Dad? That would give you some time to work out what you do.

Secondly your DH needs to ring child protection and talk to them about how his son is behaving. Sexualised behaviour in little kids is a red flag for a child being abused or being exposed to inappropriate behaviour. Does his mum have a partner or boyfriend?

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:19

My SP definitely doesn't agree with DSS behaviour and as a result there is huge contention between DP and his ex.

He called Child protective services circa two months ago. The initial conversation they were very concerned. They escalated as a referral and upon speaking to both parents they felt he was 'exhibiting normal behaviour for his age'

Since then we don't allow him time alone with his stepsisters but it would appear he snuck off and exposed himself and I didn't notice 🙁

OP posts:

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:19

DP not SP

OP posts:

nachoavocado · 11/09/2022 22:20

Move out

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:20

We do share a home yes

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autienotnaughty · 11/09/2022 22:27

Agree the short term solution is probably that they are not there at same time. Not sure on how to manage dss, counselling referral maybe,

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:30

'Exposing himself' seems a bit of a strong expression when referencing a 6yr old. 'Oh what a silly willy' comes to mind. You could teach your girls the factory lasses trick - point and shriek with laughter. Easier with two of them together.

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:32

I say exposing himself because when he did this before he asked my eldest to come over to him and look down, she did and he said 'lower' and when she crouched he put his penis towards her face

OP posts:

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:35

Another occasion we (DP and I) overheard him coercing my youngest to get on all fours and put her finger in her bottom.

As you can imagine this was swiftly stopped and from then on they were not allowed to be unsupervised together.

DP tried to talk to his ex but she didn't care and like I say child protective services said this was not concerning

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Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:35

I just don't know what to do for the best because he is a child, but my children are more important.

DP is absolutely devastated

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SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:36

I do suspect that the more your girls scream and cry, the more DSS will amp up this kind of behaviour. In my day they did it with spiders in the bed or worse, you get my drift. The reaction was what they wanted.

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:38

The girls didn't react at the time, or we would have noticed. This latest incident only came out as they were reluctant to come home from EXH as they were worried DSS was here

OP posts:

YellowPlumbob · 11/09/2022 22:38

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:30

His behaviour absolutely falls under exposing himself, even more so considering he put it in OPs DDs face!

OP, you cannot have this child around your own DDs any more. Your DP needs to change the contact schedule so that his son is not there when your daughters are. If him and his ex won’t do this, then either you leave, or he does.

My ex wouldn’t have returned DDs to me if this had happened, and rightly so.

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:39

Though the bit about your youngest does sound like he's being regularly exposed to porn. So questions need to be asked.

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/09/2022 22:39

You can’t have him in your house. And DP needs to follow up with SS, his school, NSPCC, because something very serious is going on with this child. Your biggest priority is protecting your own children. If you don’t stop contact around your DDs I hope your ex steps in and insists or keeps them at his.

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:42

I'm glad I'm not overreacting.

I told DP this evening if the contact crosses over I'm taking the girls out or he takes his son out. He was fine with that. I'm just absolutely thrown I think. It's a lot to process but of course, I'll do exactly what my children need

OP posts:

doodleygirl · 11/09/2022 22:44

Your SS is 6, not 16, he needs immediate intervention by SS, he is still a very young child and needs protection. I think your partner needs to get his finger our of his arse and try and help his son.

You should take your children away from this awful situation.

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:47

doodleygirl · 11/09/2022 22:44

You should take your children away from this awful situation.

Not being facetious- how can he help? He has him EOW and the mother and child protective services aren't interested? Keen to hear if there is another route?

Not drip feeding, he tried to argue the professional decision and they were uninterested

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:50

Have you told SServices everything that has happened, including the most recent stuff?

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:53

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:50

Have you told SServices everything that has happened, including the most recent stuff?

Everything except the most recent, which we only found out about today. However that's the tamest (for want of a better word) incident so I don't imagine that they would care if they saw the other incidents as 'normal'

OP posts:

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:57

That incident with your youngest worries me, because I wonder if someone is grooming DSS for anal sex.

Original poster

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:59

SpaceshiptoMars · 11/09/2022 22:57

That incident with your youngest worries me, because I wonder if someone is grooming DSS for anal sex.

Yes it worried us too, but apparently it's within normal expected boundaries so there is absolutely nothing we can do

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