Step son problems

[ootred]

My step son is a difficult little boy. (Aggressive, unemotional, doesn't like others company) He's only six, and personally I feel his issues are more rooted in how he is parented (lack of boundaries etc)

Anyway, I tend to keep out of it but over the last few months it's directly effected my DDs when he is here. He's threatened to hurt them, actually hurt them, and more recently started acting sexually explicit with them.

DP has tried talking to his ex on numerous occasions, but she is of the opinion that 'boys will be boys' and said my DD needed to get over it and that was 'her problem' as she is older than her son so should just take it,

Moving forward. My DDs came back from their dads today and the eldest two of them were really crying. It turns out that last time he was here, he was exposing himself to them again and refusing to stop. I asked why they didn't tell me and they didn't want to upset my partner. Six hours they sobbed for as we discussed it. They have only recently gone to sleep.

Essentially is DSS is here, my DDs don't want to be. I have 50/50 care with their dad and DP has EOW and school holidays with DSS. WTF do I do?

Ok I'm gonna say it.

Has DsS potentially be abused ? It could be porn or it could be he's being abused or groomed into thinking it's normal.

What does he say when you talk to him about this incidents.

Ss are sometimes really crap about this. Personally I would be saying contact has to be elsewhere until resolved. You have a duty to protect your Dd and a duty to make sure this doesn't escalate for DsS tbh.

Would your ex be happy to swap his weekends or days around to ensure that the days your DP has your step-son never falls on a weekend your girls are in the house? School holidays are maybe a bit trickier to manage but I think you owe it to your daughters to ensure they feel safe at home, at least until he is able to get some support for his behaviour,

When you try and talk to him about it he just shrugs and says it's funny. It's a very difficult balance as we feel like it abnormal behaviour, but he isn't a very talkative child (never has been) so getting him to chat is blood out of a stone.

His school have had issues with his behaviour in terms of aggression and noted on his report a similar response when questioned as to why. They used the term 'lack of empathy'

Taking one or the other out if contact overlaps isn’t really going to work. It’ll be ok for a few hours but what about after bedtime, early in the morning, when people are moving around the house? You can’t have eyes everywhere at all times. Your dd’s have just cried for hours and are frightened to come home. There can be no overlap, ever. If this cannot be guaranteed then your only option realistically is to live in separate homes .Your girls get one childhood and they shouldn’t be exposed to this kind of behaviour or feel this sort of fear for their safety in their own home.

It's certainly a conversation to be had

Which is why professionals need to be involved because they have the required skills to find out if someone is abusing him now or has in the past.

Your DP can do plenty. He’s choosing to ignore the issue. As for taking the children out - for the day? For a few hours? For the entire contact time including overnight?

I disagree DP is ignoring. It would be helpful if you could offer an alternative suggestion seeing as the professionals told us no and closed the case...

You put your daughters first - move out

In your situation I would have to take your dds and move out. Your dd can't make themselves safe they need you to make sure they are.

He needs to go back to the professionals. What would you do if you thought one of your children was being sexually abused or exposed to pornography and were behaving like this? Just accept the one service you’ve spoken with don’t think it’s that concerning and feel sad? I doubt it. Your own response to what your daughter has already been through show your strong protective parenting instincts are there. If he thinks his son is being abused he needs to try and get more contact or full residency, raise it with school, talk to the police, keep on at SS, anything and everything he needs to in order to get his son the support he clearly needs.

You can’t have your SS in the house or anywhere near your DC, you know that. Your ex must be beside himself too. But your DP can’t sit back and just be desperate, he needs to act. I’m sure you can think of ideas as you would if it was one of your DC.

I would suggest a meeting with his teacher asap, with a request that the safe guarding lead is also present. Tell them everything. It may well help contextualise his behaviour in school. I would be surprised if they didn’t act. You may hit a brick wall when you get back to social services but it is worth a try to approach it that way round. It is very concerning. The safeguarding lead should have training that will enable him/her to ask some carefully placed questions.

Would your DP discuss it with GP? Maybe refer to child psychologist? Has the child free access to technology, it might be worth putting net nanny on his devices to see he’s not watching inappropriate stuff? I’m sorry you’re going through this in your family, it’s upsetting and concerning.

I would argue it's the first and immediate step you should take while getting more support for his behaviour and deciding what you want to do longer term.

Just keep them completely separate for now, however you manage to do that.

What sort of age are your daughters?

You need to move out asap.

Before enough happens that means your DD's are victims of child sexual assault. This is very abnormal behaviour from the DSS.

When DSS isn't with your husband, he can visit your home.

What is your exh saying about this? I can't imagine any 50/50 dad who would be happy with his daughters being anxious in their own home

@ootred when you raised this with ss, did they speak to mum ? Do you think that maybe she said this as malicious reporting and that DsS never did this or severely underplayed this and said it's all lies ect and that's why they closed the case ?

She seems to have her head in the sand tbh and sometimes people lie to make the issue they don't want to face go away.

I'm echoing the others though this is way abnormal behaviour and you must be a nervous wreck.

Concerning about the schools comment re lacks empathy- any Nero diversity there do you think ? Have you looked up conduct disorder ? I think DsS needs some help. Get DP to go to GP and get him referred to child psychiatrist!

This is so concerning. For your DSS, but you have responsibility for your DC. Has DP taken his child to the GP? Spoken to school? Seen a counsellor? Sorry if I've missed this. Why were your DC afraid to speak up because it may upset your DP? I'd not make your DC spend any time with DSS. And if the situation continued that help isn't arranged for for DSS, i'd be off. Saying that the problem lies with your partner's ex is all very well, but he needs to do all he can.

If your DP thinks that something untoward is happening at his son’s mother’s house and that his son is not safe (as reflected in the behaviours being displayed), then he needs to instruct a solicitor and file for residency and argue his case in court. Expensive, stressful and difficult but if he genuinely thinks his son has been abused or is being exposed to materials which are not age appropriate, then he needs to look after the child and get the proper psychological support for the child as well. He cannot do that as an EOW parent.
And I think you need to move out with your DD until this situation is resolved. What you are really teaching her by staying is that her feelings and boundaries do not matter. Until you can get a place to stay, then she should stay with her dad.

DPs ex has put DSS forward for investigations into autism.

DP has spoken to the school, the problem is where the parents don't get on a previous poster is right, DSS mum says it is malicious. There is a court hearing regarding access taking place at the moment so DP could tie this into that, you're right.

I'm not being complacent here, I'm completely overwhelmed and know I need to act.

My DP doesn't think that these behaviours are a result of sexual abuse at his mothers. He did, but when he spoke to the professionals they said they are confident it's not. He thinks DSS is allowed to do it at his mums house (as his ex has said this and said it's no big deal). He is looking into taking his son to some kind of therapist so he will talk. Him not talking isn't specific to this example. He's been like this since he is little.

You leave to protect your daughter's obviously.

It is so not normal behaviour. My DS has Autism and I've been around boys (NT and non) and not a single one did what you've described. He's clearly showing sexulised behaviour. He's not innocently running around with no pants, he's targeting your daughters. You absolutely can not have him in your house at the same time as your DD's. Not just take them out for the day. It's the very least you can do, ensure their well being. It's up to your DP and his ex to sort the son out. I agree with others, DP needs to request a meeting with school and I'd also be talking to your daughters school, to let them k ow what's going on. What if they tell their friends/teachers etc. You'd end up with SS on your back, but maybe that's a good thing?

Think of all the names of dead children in the last few years, where professionals got it wrong, repeatedly. Your partner needs to go bask to SS, the school, the GP, this behaviour isn't normal.

He needs to do everything he can to protect his son.

You need to do the same for your daughters, if I were your ex I wouldn't be letting them come back to you while you while you were still in that home.

You don't have shared children, you need to put the safety of your DC before your relationship with your partner.

All schools are aware.