Step son problems

[ootred]

My step son is a difficult little boy. (Aggressive, unemotional, doesn't like others company) He's only six, and personally I feel his issues are more rooted in how he is parented (lack of boundaries etc)

Anyway, I tend to keep out of it but over the last few months it's directly effected my DDs when he is here. He's threatened to hurt them, actually hurt them, and more recently started acting sexually explicit with them.

DP has tried talking to his ex on numerous occasions, but she is of the opinion that 'boys will be boys' and said my DD needed to get over it and that was 'her problem' as she is older than her son so should just take it,

Moving forward. My DDs came back from their dads today and the eldest two of them were really crying. It turns out that last time he was here, he was exposing himself to them again and refusing to stop. I asked why they didn't tell me and they didn't want to upset my partner. Six hours they sobbed for as we discussed it. They have only recently gone to sleep.

Essentially is DSS is here, my DDs don't want to be. I have 50/50 care with their dad and DP has EOW and school holidays with DSS. WTF do I do?

I hope to god you have no daughters of your own

he asked my eldest to come over to him and look down, she did and he said 'lower' and when she crouched he put his penis towards her face. Another occasion we (DP and I) overheard him coercing my youngest to get on all fours and put her finger in her bottom.
i take it from your subsequent posts that child protection services know about these two incidents? Appalling that's been the result, how can anyone decide this is age appropriate behaviour for a 6 year old. He is being exposed to something he shouldn't be. Child protection will have a complaints procedure, that would be my next step along with talking to the school.

If you haven't already start the conversation about private parts and consent in a age appropriate way with all the children. You talk to yours he talks to his, or do it together. There's a great list of books here bravehearts.org.au/great-kids-books-about-personal-safety-consent-and-body-ownership/
My underpants rule, I said no, some secrets should never be kept would be a great start. Add them to the regular book rotation for story time Given what's going on they all need this.

@ootred I'm sorry if I have misunderstood but if you take your girls out for the day when he's there what about the night when you are asleep and they are vulnerable?

I really feel for you. It must have been heartbreaking to hear that your girls didn't want to come home because they didn't feel safe and then you have people on the internet ask you loads of questions while you try and get it straight in your head 💐

You need to speak to school, protective services and the police again. This is not normal 6 year old boy behaviour. I work in a school-we would be reporting this to the LADO in county and the police.
im sorry but if you don’t push for something to happen, and protect your daughters better, you will lose any custody. If I were your ex, I wouldn’t have returned my crying daughters to a home they are regularly sexually assaulted.

He cannot be in the same house as them. If an older child did this it would be called sexual abuse and the harm caused to your dds isn't minimised because of his age. How can you possibly know he isn't creeping into their room in the middle of the night?

Why? Girls find them funny too at that age.

Seriously WTF. I have 2 little boys with SEN, I would be really worried if they acted like this, I'd be worried they'd viewed something really inappropriate or were being abused. This isn't normal little kid behaviour. Playing with their willy is in no way like the behaviour OP has spoken about.

You concern me. You have zero clue about signs of possible sexual abuse or boundaries. Please head over to the NSPCC website and educate yourself.

Yes because that’s why they are so traumatised

Hi all,

DP tried to speak to his ex yesterday, she seemed to listen but when he suggested getting DSS therapy so he could talk it out openly and freely he received a very angry text from his XW's new husband, accusing him of having a vendetta against DSS and saying that there's nothing wrong with him. DP is obviously very concerned they are not open to helping DSS and outright calling him a liar/ refusing support for DSS.

My partner contacted the NSPCC today and they have made another referral. He was also advised to speak to DSS school, which he has done. The school seemed to already have concerns, which they did not share, and they have also made a referral. There is concern across the board that DSS is being, in some way, abused.

In the meantime as per advice from the authorities (and my gut feeling anyway) contact DP has with his son will be out of the house / when DDs aren't here and DSS will not see my DDs.

On advice I have also made my childrens schools aware and have spoken to my XH at length today about the situation, so everyone is aware.

As it happens, the authorities seemed just as concerned about how he treats our pets as everything else, which I didn't really count in the same category before.

It's been pretty awful.

Although it does concern your DP EX's DH as he lives with the DSS he really has no business in accusing your DP of anything, especially when DSS school is also showing concern that something isn't right... no one in their right mind would have a vendetta against their own 6 year old DS infact quite the opposite is happening here in that the child's father is trying to get to the bottom of why DSS is behaving like he is, it's not normal behaviour its been learnt from somewhere/someone.
I can't help but wonder why DSS DM and SD seem saying his behaviour is quite normal and not wanting to get him help.

The school seemed to already have concerns, which they did not share, and they have also made a referral.

I would expect DSS to be behaving in a similar fashion in the playground to when he is with you. And that would have other parents up in arms with the school.

@ootred well done you & DH!
You are both doing everything right by all involved.

So bizarre that DSS mum and partner wouldn't want help for him. Says more about it them tbh.

Really hope it gets taken seriously and DSS gets help in his situation.

Excellent progress. Really well done. It’s got to be traumatising and horrendous but has to be done. You’re both acting in your DC’s best interests.

Worrying response from his step dad which should be raising red flags.

An update from DSS's mum, her solicitor has emailed and said in light of what happened today XXX does not think it is in DSS best interest to have contact and contact will be discussed at the next hearing.

DP has called CAFCASS and social services who are both really quite shocked. SS said they will be investigating in the morning. CAFCASS Will be calling DP EW tomorrow to ask what she is doing

@ootred what because of the ss refferal or school making contact.

Ffs op I'm so sorry xx

Fucking hell.

I'm pleased that SS are going to look into this again. If he's like this with your dd then he will have almost certainly said inappropriate stuff to other children at school.

it was predictable that mum would pull contact in retaliation but I hope that the process works for you. Either dss is being exposed to lax parenting like porn or he is being abused. Both cases means he needs intervention urgently.

Yes because of this. I can't understand. Surely the fact DP raised it with SS shows he is not the person who is potentially causing this. It doesn't make sense

It makes perfect sense if the ex's new man leaves his phone around with a direct line to porn or worse.

The pet thing… They are just trying to find what are his patterns of behaviour are as he may be hurting the dogs as a way to feel some control if someone is hurting him badly.

This situation might feel overwhelming and there are some very days ahead but just keep in mind that all this mess is for a good purpose: to finally protect both your DDs and SS who is very likely to be the main victim here.

DSS mum is all that is wrong with this world. Her son's behaviour is clearly calling out for intervention and help.
She takes it personally against herself so shuts down and refuses to do what's best for her son.
It's such a shame she and her partner are letting him down in this way. I really hope SS take action soon.

You should have led with the bottom incident OP because saying a 6 year old is exposing himself could have meant age-appropriate behaviour. It’s why one or two posters were defending it as they hadn’t read updates.

To be brutally frank if I was you I’d be living separately from your DP and not letting my daughters have alone time with him until full investigations have been undertaken. As others have said there’s strong signs your step-son has been sexually abused and so suspicion will fall on all those closest to him. Your DP also hasn’t properly safeguarded his son or your girls until now and only at your insisting. I’d be putting my girls first by taking them out of that set of people completely right now.

Put all the blame on the mother and step-father at your peril.

I think you did the right thing to push this for further investigation , being a stepmother or not, just doing as an adult to help protect a little boy.

It is not normal behaviour.

So, SS seem to think this is normal childhood behaviour. They said they haven't finished their 'triage' but that's where they are at. Am I going mad?