Page 5 | Step son problems

ootred · 2022-09-11T21:07:31+00:00

My step son is a difficult little boy. (Aggressive, unemotional, doesn't like others company) He's only six, and personally I feel his issues are more rooted in how he is parented (lack of boundaries etc) Anyway, I tend to keep out of it but over the last few months it's directly effected my DDs when he is here. He's threatened to hurt them, actually hurt them, and more recently started acting sexually explicit with them. DP has tried talking to his ex on numerous occasions, but she is of the opinion that 'boys will be boys' and said my DD needed to get over it and that was 'her problem' as she is older than her son so should just take it, Moving forward. My DDs came back from their dads today and the eldest two of them were really crying. It turns out that last time he was here, he was exposing himself to them again and refusing to stop. I asked why they didn't tell me and they didn't want to upset my partner. Six hours they sobbed for as we discussed it. They have only recently gone to sleep. Essentially is DSS is here, my DDs don't want to be. I have 50/50 care with their dad and DP has EOW and school holidays with DSS. WTF do I do?

user443741922 · 15/09/2022 18:07

ootred · 15/09/2022 16:51

So, SS seem to think this is normal childhood behaviour. They said they haven't finished their 'triage' but that's where they are at. Am I going mad?

You are absolutely not mad.
This is a huge concern that SS don't see the huge red flags with this behaviour.

I have never ever known a child to behave this way. I grew up with a brother, have a step son, had boy cousins. This is absolutely not normal behaviour

Original poster

ootred · 15/09/2022 19:10

So what do I do? DP and I are really worried

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nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 19:27

Oh what a nightmare. I'd consider writing to your MP and frankly anyone who will listen!

pitchforksandflamethrowers · 15/09/2022 19:39

@ootred I just am a little baffled here.

Clearly you need to escalate this to ss manager ? I suspect this maybe mum playing it down and that's why your getting the brush off.

HotDogKetchup · 15/09/2022 19:51

Two issues - the issue with your DSS and his home environment/potential abuse and the safety of your DD’s.

DSS’ Mum’s solicitor will write whatever she is asked to. It doesn’t mean it has any legal standing. Obviously that’s for the court to decide. Mum’s DH getting so wound up with your OH only makes him look suspect IMO.

if this all comes crashing down you obviously need to be prepared for the possibility that your DSS will need to live with your OH FT. In which case you need to live at separate addresses. Otherwise you just risk the cycle of abuse continuing - this behaviour is abuse.

In the meantime organise contact so your DD and DSS don’t cross paths. It sounds like your ex is onboard which should help facilitate this.

HotDogKetchup · 15/09/2022 19:52

IME SS are slow to act but quick to point the finger after the event. The responsibility to your own DD is all yours.

Berthatydfil · 15/09/2022 20:10

ootred · 11/09/2022 22:59

Yes it worried us too, but apparently it's within normal expected boundaries so there is absolutely nothing we can do

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Thats certainly not normal behaviour. I would say that at best he has been exposed to porn or at worse he is being groomed or is actually being abused.
Your dp’s attitude to this is awful.

Speak with the safeguarding lead at your dds school for further advice. Im sure they will tell you its not normal behaviour for a child that age.

toogoodforthisworld · 15/09/2022 20:24

I hate to say it but I think it's quite 'normal' behavior for a 6 yr old too.
My own (bio) kids have always wanted to run around naked. They've always seen me and my exhusband naked (we've never run around naked though lol) to them it was normal - we did live abroad at the time and where nudity is much more normal than in the UK.
Maybe he feels like he wants to act out or even make his SS laugh? Maybe his mum laughs at it when he shows his little willy to her?
Maybe you need to have him more than EOW? Instill some 'expectations'/ standard behavior?

We were on holiday this year and my DSS (15) actually mooned me, his SS (23) and his younger brother (12). He's been so prudish all the years I've known him that this made it absolutely hilarious (which was his intention of course) and the 4 of us absolutely cracked up.

That's why I suggested that he perhaps wants to make you laugh - deep down kids just want to be liked right?

HotDogKetchup · 15/09/2022 20:26

toogoodforthisworld · 15/09/2022 20:24

I hate to say it but I think it's quite 'normal' behavior for a 6 yr old too.
My own (bio) kids have always wanted to run around naked. They've always seen me and my exhusband naked (we've never run around naked though lol) to them it was normal - we did live abroad at the time and where nudity is much more normal than in the UK.
Maybe he feels like he wants to act out or even make his SS laugh? Maybe his mum laughs at it when he shows his little willy to her?
Maybe you need to have him more than EOW? Instill some 'expectations'/ standard behavior?

We were on holiday this year and my DSS (15) actually mooned me, his SS (23) and his younger brother (12). He's been so prudish all the years I've known him that this made it absolutely hilarious (which was his intention of course) and the 4 of us absolutely cracked up.

That's why I suggested that he perhaps wants to make you laugh - deep down kids just want to be liked right?

Encouraging someone to stick their fingers in their bottom and shoving your gentials in their face is very, very different from being comfortable with nudity. Both in fact and law.

Beinggood2 · 15/09/2022 20:29

Reading this whole thread just so heartbreaking. Makes you want to cry.

The DSS needs serious help and while getting that help be kept away from your DDs. Make sure your DDs are okay.

But you both are doing everything to get him help.

HeddaGarbler · 15/09/2022 20:36

I gave you advice earlier today about what I think YOU should do but you seem to have ignored that. As is your right!

It’s a very difficult one for anyone to give you advice on because we don’t know what was said by the parents to SS, whether they spoke to the school etc.

What I will say, and I’m quite prepared to be ignored but it needs saying,

For your daughters’ sake, I wouldn’t be trusting your DP fully on this. He made the calls to SS/NSPC. If you didn’t hear exactly what he said, there’s a possibility he’s not telling you the truth about what he said to them.

A PP said the mother may have downplayed it. Maybe she did, but she’s not the one who made the report or lives with the girls, is she, so SS will know she won’t know as much about happened. They know it’s your DP who heard the accounts of what happened from your DDs directly, not the wife.

YOU need to make a report about what happened to your girls. Then you know its done properly. You need to make sure your girls live separately from your DP too right now. It’s the only way to properly safeguard them.

nachoavocado · 15/09/2022 20:38

@HeddaGarbler makes some very good points and I would personally follow this advice.

HeddaGarbler · 15/09/2022 20:39

I said wife, meant ex wife or even ex, sorry.

HotDogKetchup · 15/09/2022 20:43

HeddaGarbler · 15/09/2022 20:36

I gave you advice earlier today about what I think YOU should do but you seem to have ignored that. As is your right!

It’s a very difficult one for anyone to give you advice on because we don’t know what was said by the parents to SS, whether they spoke to the school etc.

What I will say, and I’m quite prepared to be ignored but it needs saying,

For your daughters’ sake, I wouldn’t be trusting your DP fully on this. He made the calls to SS/NSPC. If you didn’t hear exactly what he said, there’s a possibility he’s not telling you the truth about what he said to them.

A PP said the mother may have downplayed it. Maybe she did, but she’s not the one who made the report or lives with the girls, is she, so SS will know she won’t know as much about happened. They know it’s your DP who heard the accounts of what happened from your DDs directly, not the wife.

YOU need to make a report about what happened to your girls. Then you know its done properly. You need to make sure your girls live separately from your DP too right now. It’s the only way to properly safeguard them.

Absolutely agree.

beachcitygirl · 15/09/2022 20:58

If you have anywhere to go - move out right now & protect your girls.

Something is going badly badly wrong for that little boy but your kids & you cannot be sscrificial lambs.

IGNORE anyone saying this is normal. Its not.

Beinggood2 · 15/09/2022 21:01

@HeddaGarbler

I agree...

But what if her DH is innocent this could end them. What if it was a relative on ex side and it's been covered up.

Very difficult decision for her.

What a horrible situation for everyone.

Original poster

ootred · 15/09/2022 21:14

HeddaGarbler · 15/09/2022 20:36

I gave you advice earlier today about what I think YOU should do but you seem to have ignored that. As is your right!

It’s a very difficult one for anyone to give you advice on because we don’t know what was said by the parents to SS, whether they spoke to the school etc.

What I will say, and I’m quite prepared to be ignored but it needs saying,

For your daughters’ sake, I wouldn’t be trusting your DP fully on this. He made the calls to SS/NSPC. If you didn’t hear exactly what he said, there’s a possibility he’s not telling you the truth about what he said to them.

A PP said the mother may have downplayed it. Maybe she did, but she’s not the one who made the report or lives with the girls, is she, so SS will know she won’t know as much about happened. They know it’s your DP who heard the accounts of what happened from your DDs directly, not the wife.

YOU need to make a report about what happened to your girls. Then you know its done properly. You need to make sure your girls live separately from your DP too right now. It’s the only way to properly safeguard them.

I have sat in on all the calls, neither of us have worked this week (both self employed) as we have been preoccupied with this. DP has been very open with SS and I also spoke to them

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HeddaGarbeld · 15/09/2022 22:05

Good you sat in on the calls but something here is…odd.

You overheard the bottom incident and told NSPCC and SS this. They were concerned then not. You called them again - they were concerned then not. The school has made its own referral but still SS is not concerned. Doesn’t make sense for SS to have not at least come round in person and for the NSPCC to also drop it.

They absolutely won’t have dropped it solely because or even mainly because of whatever the mother said. She wasn’t present. She can say she has no concerns but there’s the other parent, another adult (you) saying you witnessed something by overhearing it, AND the school saying they have concerns. Plenty to go on.

So…odd.

CatchersAndDreams · 15/09/2022 22:24

This is so concerning if it's real.

I am a SW and my first thought is this little boy is being abused. The willy thing could be on the verge of normal but not the all fours part.

I'd echo the advice around keeping dds separate from your partner and his son. It could be he's accessed porn or it could be much worse and I wouldn't put my own dc at any risk whatsoever.

I don't understand why SS aren't doing a more thorough job. Have they been to visit dss in school yet? Have they done words and pictures? Where are they in their assessment?

Original poster

ootred · 16/09/2022 09:04

Yes I know it's odd!

This is the second time this has been sent to the SS and the second time it's been told it's normal behaviour.

NSPCC are concerned, school are concerned. I'm beside myself.

Obviously children are being kept separate

OP posts:

HotDogKetchup · 16/09/2022 09:48

ootred · 16/09/2022 09:04

Yes I know it's odd!

This is the second time this has been sent to the SS and the second time it's been told it's normal behaviour.

NSPCC are concerned, school are concerned. I'm beside myself.

Obviously children are being kept separate

Can you ask to speak to SW’s supervisor. Ask on what basis it’s “normal” what the threshold is for “not normal”.

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 17/09/2022 17:17

So your DP reported to SS and within hours they had investigated and come back saying there wasn’t an issue?

Sorry but that just didn’t happen, and unless you spoke to SS personally I’d suggest someone is lying. Your dp even.

nottodaytomorrow · 17/09/2022 18:21

HeddaGarbeld · 15/09/2022 22:05

Good you sat in on the calls but something here is…odd.

You overheard the bottom incident and told NSPCC and SS this. They were concerned then not. You called them again - they were concerned then not. The school has made its own referral but still SS is not concerned. Doesn’t make sense for SS to have not at least come round in person and for the NSPCC to also drop it.

They absolutely won’t have dropped it solely because or even mainly because of whatever the mother said. She wasn’t present. She can say she has no concerns but there’s the other parent, another adult (you) saying you witnessed something by overhearing it, AND the school saying they have concerns. Plenty to go on.

So…odd.

Very odd

Original poster

ootred · 18/09/2022 20:52

GhostFromTheOtherSide · 17/09/2022 17:17

So your DP reported to SS and within hours they had investigated and come back saying there wasn’t an issue?

Sorry but that just didn’t happen, and unless you spoke to SS personally I’d suggest someone is lying. Your dp even.

No within two days they said that's how it looks.

Why do you post like this? Best case I'm a troll, worst case I'm looking for help and you're making people doubt me when I need support. What are you gaining?

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GhostFromTheOtherSide · 18/09/2022 21:10

ootred · 18/09/2022 20:52

No within two days they said that's how it looks.

Why do you post like this? Best case I'm a troll, worst case I'm looking for help and you're making people doubt me when I need support. What are you gaining?

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No. Unless you actually spoke to SS yourself then I’d suggest that your DP is lying.

As a PP said, you’re there when the call is made, they are incredibly concerned, and then suddenly they’ve come back and aren’t. There is no way SS are going to conclude so quickly that this is normal childhood behaviour, there is something more going on that you’re not being told, and I wouldn’t trust your dp to protect your DD’s here, I would move out until this is sorted, and if it isn’t, then I would leave.