DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

[Namenam3]

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

How old is your stepchild?

9

I’d just tell him to kindly explain that lots of people use that name for their DC. I certainly wouldn’t be stopping.

I don't see what harm it can do to avoid calling your child that name while dsc is around, knowing it upsets your stepchild.

The sc cannot dictate what you call your child. At all. That way madness lies.

DSC is 9 and you are an adult. They are coping with seeing their dad living with someone else and having a baby with you and now you call the baby by the same nickname. How do you think DSC feels? They have told you they are not happy - start using a different name.

Well obviously they can't call dibs on a presumably world wide pet name!!

Explain kindly that it's a nickname lots of people use, and it is one more thing they have in common with your dc because they're family?

I don't personally think he's being over sensitive given his young age. If it were me, I'd try to find a different (more unusual) pet name for my child. I wouldn't ask extended family to do the same though. It's a small thing that doesn't matter to an adult, but very clearly matters to your step child.

I would carry on using it for your children explaining that it is a word that expresses love/fondness and that you like to use it to those you care about.

Words aren’t exclusive to those who utter them first.

Ask then how they wish to be addressed going forward but don’t stop using the word to others.

What is the name?

But I think then there’ll be something else he’s upset by…

This child needs to learn that the world doesn't revolve around him. It's a common pet name so don't pander to his nonsense, especially when it concerns your child and how you behave in your home.

I'd be grateful they felt safe enough to let you know.
This isn't just about you, but also the promotion of the relationship between the siblings.

I think it’s a good learning moment for a child of that age. It’s understandable that he may get upset about it, and this needs to be made clear, but other people don’t need to modify reasonable behaviour just because he doesn’t want to see it.

I don't even use the name every time, it's just occasionally (I use it for other people too sometimes!) I.e. can you please pass me that sweetheart (it's not that but as an example) or whatever. It's just one of the natural names I use without thinking so it would be hard to stop every time.

If it’s a common one like sweetie, baby, love than you need to explain to sc that it’s a common name and that everyone uses it.

If it’s not a common one like monkey, pixie or something else, then stop.

If it’s a pretty standard pet name/term of endearment, then I think your husband needs to stop being daft and sit down to explain to his child that it’s not ‘their name’ but a nice term that lots of people use to refer to young children or people they care about. And to focus attention on how nice it is that their half sibling can be ‘darling’ or ‘sweetie’ or whatever too. The fact lots of family member use it adds to the case.

rather than pandering to his, your husband needs to approach it for what it is: a 9 year old looking for reassurance with a younger sibling. He can totally reassure the child that they are still important and nothing has changed in how much their parents love them. Maybe encourage the 9 year old to use the term of endearment for the toddler too.

Do you ever use it towards the stepchild?

Please do not pander to that nonsense. Call your baby by the generic common nickname and tell your DH to tell his child not to be so silly. My children get a handful of nicknames they all get called between them. You cannot call dibs on Pumpkin, sweetie pie, honey or in our house, buttface.

I'm sure I probably have in the past. Not as much as I do DC no but I'd be surprised if I've never said it before to them (I don't keep a record).

Monkey and pixie are probably pretty common among white British families.

I don’t think it should matter much. It’s not the SC’s name. It’s not even a nickname. It’s a fairly common term of endearment.

The underlying insecurity will still be there whether the OP insist that the toddler cannot be referred to as angel by anyone and must be referred to as sweetheart instead. The actual manifestation is quite silly, but the 9 year old with a small half sibling feeling they need reassurance thing matters. That’s where the DH should be focusing his attention.

This was exactly how I felt reading this.

I can't believe after 18 months you've just randomly suddenly starting calling your dc the same nn without any idea either.

Just use something else unless of you had another biological child you'd do exactly the same to them and use the same names etc as they aren't special and don't own them?

If the name is as common as sweetheart, why are you avoiding posting what it is? It’s hardly going to be identifying

I haven't just started using it. That's the thing. I've called it DC on and off their entire life among other things. And yes I'd call it another biological child, I call friends children it sometimes as well.

It's pumpkin. It's really common in my family, my parents called it me as a child and use it for DC themselves sometimes too. Among the usual sweetheart, baby, darling etc..