DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

[Namenam3]

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

You can't pander to that. If you slip up it'll become a 'thing' and then a bigger thing the longer it goes on. I'd probably have a conversation about it with him though. He's obviously feeling a bit insecure.

You don't have to accommodate your DSC's sensitivities, no, and you're entitled to call your own child whatever you like. If you're not prepared to make this concession, then your DH needs to explain to his child that this is a fairly common endearment between parents and children and he will have to get used to it.

However...if I personally were in your position, I would see this reaction from DSC as running rather deeper than just a "that's mine" impulse, and being more about his place in the family, fears around being replaced by a younger child, etc - this is not uncommon at his age, particularly in a blended family. So I would choose to make this concession, and use other pet names for my child - and I'd have no problem explaining that to my extended family, who I think would agree it was a kind thing to do.

The comments about pandering, especially "jog on you bratty little shit", are appalling, though not entirely unexpected.

It seems like a silly thing but I suspect it’s roots are probably in some complex feelings around his place in the family, being away from mum and not getting to see his dad as much. For that reason I probably would ‘pander’ to it. If it’s just a generic term you use quite frequently I’d either start using it with the ss more so that it becomes just a normal thing or switch to another term of endearment for your son.

“Coping” ? No-one died. They’ve got a split family and a new baby sibling. That’s a very normal thing.

I would say how lovely is it that lots of mums and dads do this and that one day DSC may do this with their kids if they have any.

I think there are quite a few people not seeing the difference between a nickname (personal to you) and a pet name/term of endearment (usually used for multiple people by speaker - e.g. darling, treasure, pumpkin).

I am baffled by the people saying pumpkin is unusual! Must be regional.

anyway, if you genuinely use it as one of a number of terms with a number of people it would be difficult and odd to stop using it. I do think good to explain that it’s common in a child friendly way to DSC.

But I also think @Greensleeves makes a good point - this is probably a deeper sensitivity and worth considering how you and DH can make DSC feel special/individual given they seem worried about being superseded.

This. It's a term of endearment. I use it on my cats! A nickname is when I call one cat 'chipolata' and the other 'cocktail sausage' (don't ask!). Those are cat-specific. Pumpkin is random.

Could you not just explain that when you was a little girl, your mummy and daddy called you pumpkin, and now you do the same? Perhaps his mummy was called it by his nanny and grandad too! That when people have children, they like to carry things on from when they were little, and it doesn't mean he isn't special to his mummy or to you, but it's a silly tradition? I call mine Bubba or bubs as that was what I got when I was little or Treas (short for treasure) or my parents call the kids little dears. It's nice to have that silly little familial line carry on.

I love the big pumpkin little pumpkin idea. You could go you my special big pumpkin and he’s my special little pumpkin etc

But I also think @Greensleeves makes a good point - this is probably a deeper sensitivity and worth considering how you and DH can make DSC feel special/individual given they seem worried about being superseded

I don't disagree. Which is why I think pandering to this isn't going to solve the actual issue. Which is what we need to be discussing, not demanding no one uses a very common pet name for our child. That's silly, getting to the root of the problem sensibly isn't.

I think its more spontaneous than that though. I called my little one a ducky, pumpkin, pickle, chicky, sweetie all in the same week at times. Its just a term of endearment not a nickname.

Yup you've got your head screwed on OP good luck

But the point some PP are making @Namenam3 is that it isn’t pandering, in their view anyway.

You specifically asked if you were BU. Why do that if you are sure you’re not being? Is it to complain about your sensitive SC?

Ah sorry missed this one. Yes it's not a nickname. Unless his name is pumpernickel.

Yes I do the same, always changing them intermittently.

Because being a stepmum is bloody hard and sometimes it's good to know you're not alone in thinking this way.

IME it's incredibly common for kids to think things are a "them" thing - and then often make themselves look silly by bragging about it to other kids at school only to be told "er, yeah, everyone does that"

People are very keen to attribute everything a DSC does to them being upset about their place in the family, forgetting that they do also fall into the same traps all children do. Not everything is because they are a SC.

Some children think everything they do is specific to them, and some children are also quite possessive.

I get that but then don’t ask if your re BU if you really don’t want to consider alternative views.

I remember being gobsmacked as a kid that not everyone's auntie was called Auntie Dawn like mine 🤣

And then what would you do when he proclaimed the toddler couldn't call his mum mummy because that's what dscs mum is called?

Its a slippery slope and it's prioritising one child over another and I would not be setting that precedent.

Its a common word. Its not as if it's a really unique nickname op purposely "stole"

How are these kids going to cope with the real world?!

Fuck, I have called three separate people “pumpkin” today, it’s really common, this is like him saying nobody else can be “darling” or “sweetie”.

Jog on you bratty little shit springs to mind

I’m with @Greensleeves thaf this is a disgusting way to talk about my child.

It’s been a long, long time since I had cause to post about my DSD on here but when I did, even if I felt she was being a bit spoilt, I would have come down hard on any poster who referred to her like that. Because she was a child I liked (loved actually) and felt protective over. I do find it noticeable sometimes how there’s a distinct detachment and irritation in his sons SM describe their SDC on here.

In this instance, it seems that while the OP calls her friends’ kids “pumpkin” she doesn’t remember calling her SS that, although she thinks she must have done. I’ve asked what pet names you do call him but you haven’t answered OP. Personally I think calling him a term of endearment regularly too would be a start in making him feel more secure and understanding of you using “pumpkin”.

Typo: A child, not my child

What an evil thing to say about a 9 year old child struggling with a split family.

@DuchessDarty I call him sweetheart and things like that all the time. DH calls him buddy a lot etc..