DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

[Namenam3]

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

Spiteful? There may have been one or two, but frankly what he's said is ridiculous. Equally they're voicing an opinion on an anonymous forum which 9 times out of 10 is not what they'd actually say to the child.

Are step mother's not allowed to vent or is that just mother's? Because there are plenty of spiteful comments about people's biological children because children are hard work. But I suppose that's okay?

I can't get behind modifying perfectly reasonable behaviour to appease the unreasonable reaction of a child.

This child needs reassurance and to be spoken too about how much he is loved and how it doesn't make a difference what OP calls her son, even if it happens to be the same. It will not help him for OP to just stop calling her little one pumpkin, it doesn't even approach the root of the issue. Can't believe so many would suggest just skirting round it in this manner when SS is clearly struggling with some emotions.

No. That’s pandering to the poor widdle DSC. They can’t have everything their way. Not having every thing your way makes for a productive member of society as an adult

Pander to this and where does it stop? Your husband is being unreasonable and the 9yo is “sensitive” about things like this aka has a pout because they know their father is suffering divorce guilt. Why should your DC be affected just to keep your husband and his DC happy? It’s called a mountain out of a molehill

I am a bit sick of the whole thing though that if someone disagrees with a step mother they are step mother bashing - that’s just a lazy way of trying to shut down a discussion.

Absolutely agree. There seems to be a tendency by a few posters to turn the specific into the generic - take a comment said to one SM in context and take it out of context to apply to all SMs. Even if the comment is made by a SM, it doesn’t matter, a select few will still find it offensive and take it personally.

I’d simply reply to my step child that many mums call their ‘babies’ this name as it’s a cute nickname and you were called the same.

Some people would have stepmothers living in fear of offending or upsetting their stepchildren at every turn. Without realizing that children in every single type of family are routinely offended and upset, and that's ok. If they have a kind and supportive family they can those knocks.

If he was your child and not your stepchild everybody would say he needs to get over it, they should bond over the shared nickname, it's not a big deal. But stepmother should always be the ones to suffer. I would be sympathetic to his feelings and say it's great to have two pumpkins in the family and leave it at that.

Luckily my DSCs get called 'the kid' and 'butthead' at the other house so I'm not too worried about overlap!

I'm getting very fed up of people saying it "won't cost you anything" to modify the language you use, in the way that they think you should modify it.

It takes cognitive effort to monitor what you're about to say and inhibit selected aspects. These are not always insignificant mental costs, especially if it's something that's been a common component of your speech and you have to monitor and prevent it all the time, even in your own home where you should be able to relax. Expending extra cognitive effort leaves you with less in your mental tank for other things you want to focus on, and can leave you feeling more frazzled, with a lower tolerance for whatever crap you need to deal with. Worse, we don't always realise when we're expending cognitive effort to do things, and end up feeling stressed and tired without knowing why.

Obviously we do need to do this kind of thing quite a lot in everyday life, modifying the words we use to fit the situation, because sometimes it's worth it to, say, not swear in front of customers, or avoid using slurs, but often we seem to be able to slip into a particular mode, which helps make it less cognitively taxing (work mode, talking to children mode, with mates mode etc.). Having to be careful about your speech because a child has got the wrong end of the stick about a ubiquitous pet name isn't usually one of those circumstances where it's worth the extra mental self-monitoring and effort.

An example of where it would be worth it: a friend of mine had no idea that the word she used for chilling out while stoned could be taken for (and probably originates from) an offensive word used for people with a particular disability. I mentioned it to her in the most tactful way I could and she was mortified, and has never used it since. I'm sure that initially there was a cost to her in monitoring herself and finding an alternative word, until the habit of using that word was gone, but presumably she thought the benefit (not risking upsetting people by using an ableist slur, not risking people thinking she was prejudiced) was well worth it.

But it is absolutely not cost-free, unless you place no value on your own mental work, effort and stress.

Incidentally, my mum calls me poppet. Present tense. I'm four inches taller than her, weigh twice as much, and am in my thirties. But I still like it

Parenting has changed so much over the years. Kids should hear the word no, they should learn resilience and emotional control - all very basic and important life skills.

I can't believe people call the child unreasonable. Yes, he is 9 but he is a child who has his family fallen apart, and see his dad have a new baby. Please consider the emotional impact on the child. Call your baby something else for the time being and let his dad speak to him and tell him it is a word a lot of people use.

I agree with you.

Especially as OP says it's a general term of affection that she uses a lot. She's hurting a child's feelings for something that barely matters to her and the baby won't even remember.

Because it's not always in a child's best interests to feel that everything they want can and should be facilitated. It won't help them growing up. Sometimes they just need to be told they are being silly and why.

I would suggest that helping the child to deal with their feelings is much better than changing the world to fit those feelings - however silly they are.

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I call my husband, guinea pigs and nieces and nephews a whole selection of pet names - pumpkin, munchkin, sweetie pie, angel, baba etc interchangeably. I don't think I would actually be able to stop because the names come out unconsciously. I hardly ever use their actual names! He probably just doesn't realise how common it is and needs to have it explained!

If it's OK to tell the OP to stop using her preferred name for her child then surely it would also be OK to ask the SC's mum to change the pet name. As it is the SC that is upset then I think the onus is on SC's mum to make changes so I suggest the that OP calls the SCs mum and asks her to change the name she uses for her child.

If this seems ridiculous to you but you think the OP needs to change her language then you need to ask yourself why it's OK to expect the OP to be one who changes when she isn't even the child in questions parent.