DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

[Namenam3]

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

I can't believe after 18 months you've just randomly suddenly starting calling your dc the same nn without any idea either.

Are you suggesting I've started using it on purpose just to... I don't know? I genuinely had no idea their mum calls him pumpkin. I never speak to her.

Yes I'm an adult he's a child but I don't think that means pandering to silly things. He can't demand no one calls his sibling a common pet name.

As the adult I'm all for sitting down with him and finding out what the actual issue is, but not agreeing to never call my child something ever again.

Your SS isn’t being over-sensitive IMO, it’s something meaningful for them and Pumpkin isn’t that common. Certainly not on a level with sweetheart or baby.

I call DC1 a pet name and when I’ve accidentally calked DC2 that, DC1 has been slightly outraged and reminded me that it’s their nickname and DC2’s is X.

I’d chat with your SS and see if you and him can come up with a unique nickname for your DC. Even something that’s a variation on pumpkin like Pushkin.

Oh that is literally ridiculous!!

As if a 9 year old boy is going to be mentally and emotionally scarred because he found out that many Mums commonly refer to their kids as pickle/chicken/booboo or whatever the heck it is!!!

Just explain that it's actually very common and tell your DH to stop pandering.

Imagine how batshit it would be to have to say to your family members 'please don't refer to DS as 'chubby cheeks/bubba/munchkin because another child has absolute ownership of that word!'

NOPE!!

I call my 9 year old DS many pet names but I am the only person who refers to him as figgy. I simply cannot imagine him giving one single nanoshit if he found out other Mums use it too.

Oh, and pumpkin is VERY common around these parts.

Just because a 9 year old tells you they don’t want something, that doesn’t mean you must do it. 🙄

Pumpkin is an utterly ordinary term of endearment for children. It’s not the 9 year old’s name. Vetoing it for the toddler because the 9 year old is going happy would be ridiculous. And in no one’s interests.

If it's a standard pet name then absolutely YANBU, they just need to be told (once) that lots of people use that term it's not something just their mum does. And then move on and don't pander.

This is completely realistic and sensible. DSC MUST ALWAYS have their (ridiculous) demands pandered too. If you carry on as you are you will obviously be causing him irreversible psychological harm.. 🙄

YANBU pumpkin is a totally normal nickname to call a child. It's not like you knew previously and it's not the same as if you'd named your baby a similar name to DSS. You can explain that you understand his feelings but it's a common name that thousands of people use. He is 9, he is grown up enough to understand that

Nicknames often make kids feel special, they are meaningful.

Think if your husband had a nickname he always called you that made you feel special and then you found out he also calls his sister that - it takes away from the intimacy and specialness of the name.

So I don't think your DSC is being overly sensitive. He has a special nickname and now you are using 'his' nickname for your own child.

You should have chosen a different nicknames out of the many that are out there, instead of using the same one that your DSC has.

I would personally make an effort not to use it. But I wouldn't t make a big deal about it.

Tough. Him or his mother don't "own" that nickname. As others have said feeding into this is where madness ultimately lies... Is he overly sensitive about other stuff?

I think if my child were in a different house and heard another child being called their nn it would make them think of me and miss me.
His nn is well established, I'd try really hard to call your dc pickle or pudding or anything else at all.

The nickname was established in the OP's house long before the step child was even a twinkle in their parent's eyes when her mother called her the same word.

I’ve been a step-mum (not currently) and I am also a mum, and I can see both sides of this - you want to call your DC pumpkin, fair enough, it sounds cute and special. Your DSC is called it at home as a cute and special name, and he thought it was “ his”.

No one is being unreasonable here, but in the interests of long-term blended family harmony, could you ask if he’d like to be “big pumpkin” or “pumpkin senior” now, at your house? You then don’t have to lose your little DC’s pet name and DSC isn’t losing his either…

IME in blended families seemingly small things like this can be a very big deal for all concerned … and it’s easier all round if you can resolve them by everyone compromising a bit.

i think you could try to be a little kinder to the child in your house who is not yours.
he will know and feel that he will always come second in that house.
can you not extend this one courtesy to him.
he is but a child and has had his childhood disrupted.
hopefully your child will not have to go through that.
try to extend the hand of friendship to him, show him that he is a welcome person in your house.
if it makes a difference to him, it is important to him.
how would you feel if you were his mother; wouldn't you hope that the father's partner was kind and considerate of his feelings.

Please don’t pander to it, a child cannot demand a grown woman’s doesn’t call her son by a family nickname. I’d be fuming if DH even dared to consider it.

How on earth is that a fair comparison. I'm not the person calling two people the same thing. It's not a nickname I use for DSC and now use for DC. It's a nickname his mother, a woman I barely know and don't speak to, uses for him that I didn't know about. It's not the same as your husband calling two women the same nickname.

I didn't choose this name on purpose, it's just a very common name of endearment for children around my parts. And I didn't choose it knowing his mum called it him, I had no idea until this now apparent issue.

And reading @Schooldil3ma post, if my DC was at his step-mum’s house (thankfully he doesn’t have one…yet) I can see this situation being difficult for him, especially if it made him feel like his “special” name has been given to someone else who is important to his dad, and with him all the time.

Can you call him 'Big pumpkin ' and the baby 'Little Pumpkin'?

I think he needs to understand that just as he calls his mum, mum, your DC call you mum, and other children call their mums, mum. But they’re all still special. And many of the mums call their children pumpkin, and they’re all still special. Treat it as the equivalent to saying mum or dad; he wouldn’t expect your DC not to call you mum.

It's not really a nickname, it's just a common pet name that is not at all specific to DSC. They just need to get used to that.

It's up to his dad to explain that it's a common, generic nickname, not you to have to be aware of a word you have used habitually for many years slipping out and offending oversensitive ears.
It will be a long old life for the child if he's not taught a bit of resilience and to look at the bigger picture, but is always pandered to instead.

@Yousee all this. Constant pandering isn’t good for any child