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Original poster

DSC upset because I call DC the same pet name their mother uses for them...

242 replies

Namenam3 · 20/08/2022 16:33

And AIBU to say I'm not going to stop?

One of my DSC is a bit over sensitive. They always have been about loads of things.

One thing that's come up recently is him being upset that I call our young DC (18 months) together the same name their mum uses for him. I had no idea their mum calls them it and it's a fairly normal pet name (like sweetie, baby etc..)

Husband plays into this sensitivity a lot, I think because he harbours guilt about not seeing them all the time and has suggested I just call our DC something else. AIBU to not play into this? It's ridiculous imo. I'm all for having an empathetic conversation with DSC about it but not pander to it.

My family often call it our DC too so we can't just insist no one ever use this name, it's crazy.

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aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2022 19:44

I remember being gobsmacked as a kid that not everyone's auntie was called Auntie Dawn like mine 🤣

Well exactly, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about!

It's not always deeper just because it's a stepchild.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 19:48

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 18:54

Jog on you bratty little shit springs to mind

I’m with @Greensleeves thaf this is a disgusting way to talk about my child.

It’s been a long, long time since I had cause to post about my DSD on here but when I did, even if I felt she was being a bit spoilt, I would have come down hard on any poster who referred to her like that. Because she was a child I liked (loved actually) and felt protective over. I do find it noticeable sometimes how there’s a distinct detachment and irritation in his sons SM describe their SDC on here.

In this instance, it seems that while the OP calls her friends’ kids “pumpkin” she doesn’t remember calling her SS that, although she thinks she must have done. I’ve asked what pet names you do call him but you haven’t answered OP. Personally I think calling him a term of endearment regularly too would be a start in making him feel more secure and understanding of you using “pumpkin”.

She doesnt have to start calling the DC pet names just because she does her own child. A 9 year old is not stupid they'll be like..er..what's going on.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 19:48

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2022 19:44

I remember being gobsmacked as a kid that not everyone's auntie was called Auntie Dawn like mine 🤣

Well exactly, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about!

It's not always deeper just because it's a stepchild.

Good point

LadyCluck · 20/08/2022 19:56

YANBU
Carry on as you are.
Don’t allow yourself to be dictated to in your own home by someone else’s child. If you give in on this, there will be something else and then something else.

PolkadotsAndMoonbeams · 20/08/2022 20:46

Namenam3 · 20/08/2022 18:07

We do this, it isn't the most prominent name I use for our DC. It's just one that's generic and gets said intermittently like sweet, baby, lovely, treasure, sausage, that sort of thing.

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Ah, I read it as you particularly called him pumpkin. Since it's one of many then I agree with others — try explaining to DSS that pumpkin is just the same as love or sweetheart. His mum probably calls him those too?

I'm not sure pumpkin is as common in books or films as darling/sweetheart etc so he might just not realise it's a fairly common pet name.

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 20:50

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 19:48

She doesnt have to start calling the DC pet names just because she does her own child. A 9 year old is not stupid they'll be like..er..what's going on.

Show quote history

No she doesn’t.

But as the OP calls her friends’ children pet names too, if the OP wasn’t also calling her DSS pet names it would be strange… and noticeable to him (as you pointed out, he’s old enough to notice).

Just seemed odd that the OP uses the term “pumpkin” a lot for various people but not her DSC memorably.

However the OP has said she uses other terms of endearments for the DSC.

MilliwaysUniverse · 20/08/2022 21:36

Ar 9 he should be old enough to understand that it's a term of endearment that mums use for their children, his mum uses it for him, you use it for your DC. Not taking anything away from him, it's just the way things are. I'd be a bit more accommodating if he was younger, but 9 is a bit old to be upset about this.

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/08/2022 22:02

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-My-Little-Pumpkin-Pie/dp/1684124344

Maybe get a stack of little books like this to demonstrate how generic the endearment is? If your parents called you this, there's no way you can stop yourself (or them) coming out with sometimes, and I wouldn't want to encourage such controlling behaviour in either an adult or a child.

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 22:19

That book may be a confusing example though since, like all books about pumpkins, it’s set at Halloween. Not so generic!

Pumpkin is mostly an American term of endearment (although that book is Australian) so it’s going to be hard to find a British book that uses it outside of Halloween.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 22:26

SpaceshiptoMars · 20/08/2022 22:02

www.amazon.co.uk/Youre-My-Little-Pumpkin-Pie/dp/1684124344

Maybe get a stack of little books like this to demonstrate how generic the endearment is? If your parents called you this, there's no way you can stop yourself (or them) coming out with sometimes, and I wouldn't want to encourage such controlling behaviour in either an adult or a child.

What a cute book.

I don't think the DSC needs a book I think they just need a dad who parents them and doesn't give in to their little whims and ways if it's silly to do so.

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 22:31

This isn’t necessarily silly though. The OP has agreed there will be an underlying insecurity to it though.

Referring to a 9 year old’s insecurity as “little whims and ways” is condescending.

fufflecake · 20/08/2022 22:37

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 22:31

This isn’t necessarily silly though. The OP has agreed there will be an underlying insecurity to it though.

Referring to a 9 year old’s insecurity as “little whims and ways” is condescending.

It is silly to ask OP to stop calling her child something hundreds of people up and down the country call their kids every day.

It's not silly for the child to have insecurities I'm not that mean!

It just needs a simple conversation from dad with his child.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/08/2022 04:07

Well, I realize this is just swapping pedantries, but it's funGrin Going by my fruit harvest, I suspect the pumpkins will be here way before the end of October, so might as well be ready early....

Book on pumpkins for children by an English Author:
www.amazon.co.uk/Pumpkin-Soup-Helen-Cooper/dp/0552545104

Books on pumpkins for children without a Halloween focus:
growingbookbybook.com/childrens-books-about-pumpkins/

Enjoy!

DuchessDarty · 21/08/2022 06:13

I said hard to find a British book that “uses it” (as a term of endearment), not hard to find a book that features pumpkins per se. In that British book you linked to a pumpkin gets sliced every day and made into soup…

RocketsMagnificent7 · 21/08/2022 07:38

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 22:19

That book may be a confusing example though since, like all books about pumpkins, it’s set at Halloween. Not so generic!

Pumpkin is mostly an American term of endearment (although that book is Australian) so it’s going to be hard to find a British book that uses it outside of Halloween.

Is it? I know lots of people, including myself, who use Pumpkin. I can't remember a time I haven't heard it being used.

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 07:40

RocketsMagnificent7 · 21/08/2022 07:38

Is it? I know lots of people, including myself, who use Pumpkin. I can't remember a time I haven't heard it being used.

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Maybe it's regional. I've heard it a lot round here

PinkButtercups · 21/08/2022 08:00

Some of these replies 🤣.

They're both pumpkins, end of.

You can't pander to everything DSC says. How ridiculous.
Looks like this pumpkin patch is just getting bigger.

deeperthanallroses · 21/08/2022 08:05

Id tell them that Your mummy uses it for you because nicknames like that really mean I love you, and so lots of people use them.
I’d start a separate thread actually looking for childrens books or shows where it’s used, and then I would make it my dps job to read/ encourage/watch a couple with him, because your dp doesn’t get to just tell you not to do normal things rather than he actually parent his child through some of their sensitivities. I bet there are lots of books with it, since my grandma used it, I call mine pumpkin /pumpkin seed / pepita and a billion other things.

deeperthanallroses · 21/08/2022 08:06

DuchessDarty · 20/08/2022 22:19

That book may be a confusing example though since, like all books about pumpkins, it’s set at Halloween. Not so generic!

Pumpkin is mostly an American term of endearment (although that book is Australian) so it’s going to be hard to find a British book that uses it outside of Halloween.

I’m Australian, and know LOTS of people who use it, definitely not just American!

MeridianB · 21/08/2022 08:07

Oh dear. If DSS really thought pumpkin was something very special only he was called then DH can explain. But I wouldn’t stop using it in the mix.

It does sounds as if DSS needs some more reassurance though, so maybe ensure DH is spending enough 1:1 time with him.

9 can be a tricky age anyway - lots of emotional growth.

Leafy3 · 21/08/2022 08:08

I'm with your dh on this.

He's 9...Adjusting to a step sibling and the resulting new family dynamic is a massive thing, no matter how much he loves you both. I would say he's feeling insecure - these aren't rational feelings but they do stick deeply and can have lasting effects.

I would say your priority is to help him feel more secure, I think he is struggling with feelings of displacement that he's unable to articulate. It's not pandering to him and he's not dictating to you.

Likewise, his general sensitivity doesn't make him any more or less reasonable than anyone else.

It won't cost you anything to avoid - or even stop - using the pet name pumpkin but could make a world of difference to him.

Let it go.

StClare101 · 21/08/2022 08:24

mdh2020 · 20/08/2022 16:41

DSC is 9 and you are an adult. They are coping with seeing their dad living with someone else and having a baby with you and now you call the baby by the same nickname. How do you think DSC feels? They have told you they are not happy - start using a different name.

It’s not a nickname. It’s a term of endearment, and no one can claim rights to a generic “sweetie, darling” etc.

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 08:25

I would say your priority is to help him feel more secure OP can make him feel secure in other ways it doesn't have to be by not calling her child a pumpkin. Once the DSC starts to feel more secure then things like that shouldn't matter anyway.

fufflecake · 21/08/2022 08:25

And right now I think OP's priority is quite rightfully her own child. Dad can work on helping his child feel more secure.

RoseAndRose · 21/08/2022 08:27

Namenam3 · 20/08/2022 16:45

I don't even use the name every time, it's just occasionally (I use it for other people too sometimes!) I.e. can you please pass me that sweetheart (it's not that but as an example) or whatever. It's just one of the natural names I use without thinking so it would be hard to stop every time.

So use the name to your DSC as well