Told DH my DC will ALWAYS be my priority

[Cantbedoingwithit1]

This has been a bubbling argument between DH and I who share one child and he has older DC too from a previous relationship.

I'm so sick of feeling suffocated since our DD was born whenever I try to just be a normal mother.

I feel like I can't do anything with or for DD without it being questioned. Since she was born his guilt surrounding DSC has gone into overdrive. Everything must be about them or include them in some way.

Things like me taking DD away on holiday with a friend because he didn't want to (we couldn't afford this year to go abroad in school holidays), I wanted to take her before she is also stuck with school holidays in a little over a year. That was "unfair", basically anything like that.

It started last night because I've booked to take DD out for the day somewhere DSC would enjoy when they are back at school. (I'm off a couple of days in the week with her so like to do things then)

It is somewhere DSC have asked to go before however, it's split into sort of two things so there's a large section for young children and then there's also a large section for older children and adults. So all going together we'd end up split up or I'd end up dragging DD around the adults section of the place and she wouldn't get to enjoy it (or vice versa although it would never happen the other way around as all days out with DSC revolve around them).

My friend had some vouchers to use there so I got tickets cheaper too and I'm going with her and her younger DC.

But apparently it's cruel because I know DSC want to go (yeah...not to the toddler part!).

He always expects me to prioritise them even if it disadvantages DD. He and his ex are constantly changing plans and often he'll agree to have them when he knows he's not going to be there all day but I am and just expect me to take them wherever I'm going. If I don't want to or have plans I get accused of just disliking them and why is it a problem taking them with me etc.. for example on a Saturday, if he's working, I might arrange to take DD to see my family and then all of a sudden DSC will be here (unbeknown to me because he never discusses it with me) and then I'm just expected to take them too and have no problem with it.

Sometimes I just want to see my own family by ourselves or go on a day out by ourselves!

Anyway, he started with it again last night about how I treat DD differently (yes, because she's my child..) and how it's so obvious she's all I'm bothered about and how he needs me to love his kids and basically I shouted at him that YES DD WILL ALWAYS BE MY PRIORITY OVER HIS KIDS. And now we're not talking.

He's driving me mad with this. A lot of the time he's a good husband and father but others the guilt he has over DSC completely clouds his judgement. It wasn't like this before DD.

It's making me completely resentful of everything about being a step parent to the point I hate DSC being here because the whole vibe changes, he changes. It makes me not want to do a single thing for DSC in protest almost.

Anyway, rant over. Driving me mad. I just want to be a mother to my fucking child for Christs sake.

YANBU. They are not your kids, you do your own child. If he wants them to go somewhere then HE takes them.

Wtf?

guessing its Alton Towers and you are doing a toddler and adult ticket or something. You do seem very against your SC. Its not their fault and it does look like from the outside that you don't like being a blended family and marrying your DH you should care a bit more. Your SC will have picked up on your animosity.

Please tell me that you have written a will leaving everything of yours to your child, and that if you own your own home it is as Tenants in Common ?

TBF, if you have more than one child and there is an age gap where one is in school and the other isn't, stuff like that does happen. Being fair isn't always about everyone having the same.

Your step children have two parents. If they want to go places, one of their parents can take them.

Feel for you OP. I think it would ease things significantly if there was structure and routine to the DSC being with you and DH, no last minute surprises etc (unless unavoidable) At the very least a change in schedule should be discussed with you prior to being agreed - especially if DH expects you to look after them! How did you feel about DSC before the baby came?

I don't mind going places together at all, I'm not saying only he should take them places by himself. But it's like I can't do anything in the week with DD that may even possibly be something DSC would enjoy.

That's so ridiculous imo. Her life doesn't just stop when they aren't here and I've never said to him that we can't all go to wherever it is another time all together. He just expects it to be me who plans and arranges everything. Quite happy to sit there never planning anything with his kids but if I do something with DD it's totally unfair.

You do seem very against your SC

I'm actually not and I wasn't before DD was born either. Everything was less ridiculous then. It's DH, not them directly, that makes it insufferable.

I've said this before but it causes arguments between him and his ex so he expects me to just put up and shut up for the sake of harmony (for everyone but me it seems ha).

Don't back down. Your DH is just expecting you to do all the childcare with no agreement from you and not even the decency to communicate the arrangements with you. I imagine it's because you're a woman so thats what he expects from you.

What kind of fucked up advice is that?

His ex is a pita. She will do things like not let him see them if he refuses to change the days when she wants to go out or things like that or just be incredibly difficult because she's pissed off. So he's said he wants me to just agree because 'its easier and is it really a big deal having DSC by myself every now and then for the sake of harmony'. Feels like I'm just expected to sort out to immature parents issues out because they can't be expected to grow up themselves though.

Tell your DH you don't want to parent his kids or go anywhere when they're here because he's a shit dad

I assumed it was sarcastic in a "what a wicked step mother" kind of way.

Carry on as you are OP.
Do things with your DD.
I would hate hate hate if my partner acted like this but I’m lucky he doesn’t seem to have any guilt.
There’s no way I wouldn’t do days out or things with just my DD and I’d be fuming if my step daughter turns up and I was expected to look after her while my partner worked.
Id be telling him to never ever do that again. He either has to ask or be present.

YANBU. My ds1 has a stepmum and my husband is his stepdad. I would never expect his stepmum to not do stuff with her own kids because my ds1 isn’t there it’s just not how life works. Same as when he’s at his dads my life with his siblings (my children with DH) lives don’t stop. Sometimes i might suggest we wait for a weekend ds1 is with us to do something very special but otherwise it’s life as normal. same as when he’s at school as they’re toddlers I take them out for the day to soft play! Which is very normal because of the age difference. He’s not missing out just part of being a sibling and age gaps

ds1 understands this. He’s very happy because he knows when he’s at mummy’s hos step siblings get to do things without him but he gets to do nice different things with mummy and when he’s at his dads he knows there’s a chance we’ll do things without him
but that fine because he’s at his dads getting to do loads of nice things!

It sounds like their father needs to parent more actively. If they want to go to a theme park then it’s his job to arrange that and take them, not wait for you to show up on your white horse. It sounds like you’ve been made an on call babysitter and end up doing more childcare than him because he and his ex take you for granted. You need a sit down conversation with him where you clearly draw your boundaries because it sounds like you don’t have any.

That sounds infuriating, especially him agreeing to have them over without even speaking to you and expecting you to look after them. That would get a big fat no chance from me, if he can’t even manage to ask you if it’s ok first.

My boys have a stepmom and I've never asked or expected her to help out with childcare etc. Of course you are allowed to have days out with just your child. Your own children will always come before stepchildren but that doesn't mean you don't care for them.

How old are the kids?

Surely you can see that @JustAsking90 isn't serious @Vecnasnurse

It's like in his eyes if I don't have a good enough reason to not want to look after them then I'm being unreasonable. The fact I've not been asked isn't good enough, if I'm going out it depends where I'm going because if it's somewhere DSC could come then why not? Wanting to go by ourselves is unreasonable and mean.

I've literally made up appointments and things in the past so I don't get the grief for saying no.

You aren't doing anything that I don't do with my own DC who are different ages so don't let him make you feel bad about it. It's difficult to please two children with an age gap like that. Sounds like it's a sore subject for him for whatever reason. Can you try to explain it like that, that even if she was your DC and not DSC you would still probably do some of these things on your own with DD because of the ages?

Doe the DSC get one on one time with their dad or you? I bet they'd like that.

DD is 3, DSC are 8 & 11

Your sdc must do things with their own mother that doesn't include your dc? Does dh think that's fair?
The having to change plans constantly would drive me mad.