Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

Does your DP know what a precarious situation you'll be in, if yes I think that's a huge red flag, a loving partner would not want that for you 💐

Stay put.

It is imperative you talk about this issue - otherwise it will fester and lead to resentment

i know you are saying you wouldn’t need a 4 bed if it wasn’t for his extra child but I suppose you are going to own 50pc of the property

surejy he knows your income and how much this move would stretch your finances? I mean there has to be some benefit/motivation for you?

Given everything you've said, you would have to be mad to leave your home and risk your financial independence, not to mention being stuck as a baby sitter for his kids with absolutely no benefit for you. Don't do this.

Have you talked about it with him and explained your concerns? You might need to be really clear about your expectation of % contribution based on capacity and give him a chance to think about whether he's cool with that. He may want a corresponding increase in % ownership, would you accept that?

Really important to get this out in the open I think, no need to be irked just yet!

I’ve shown him the spreadsheets and he knows my wage and any other income. It’s do able, he just says things like ‘we’ll need to tighten our belts’, ‘we will be better off not running two households’, all makes lots of sense, it’s just that bloody comment about the £grand aside each month for him and his DC. I know he can’t afford to do that now, and it just feels so against everything he’s been banging on about ‘us being a family/being in it together’ etc - the angry side of me is thinking ‘yes, when it suits you’. 😞

I think it's actually unfair on you. Presumably all three kids get a room each so his children take up twice the room your son does. He should actually be paying more than you but how you would work that out I don't know.

If I were you, I wouldn't even consider buying together unless you get married first. Without that commitment, he gets everything he wants and you get the short end of the stick. I wonder if your partner is so keen because he knows he'll get a free, built in babysitter with the deal.

I’d be concerned by this as inflation is increasing, bills and interest rates are increasing. What you can afford now, you may well not be able to in future and if you ar e financially secure in a smaller property now I would feel uneasy risking this.

i am seeing inconsistency here. As a couple you have decided to buy a family home and blend families, but his savings are his for him and his child(ren) alone., not family money. This sounds a concern and it urgently needs discussing.

Yes you will be the default childcare if you’re based at home. It’s unavoidable sadly.

However , I’m confused, why is he talking about his money and your money as two seperate entities once your in there? It will be one household so all the money is joint surely? If it is split then clearly he pays more lodging as his family need more bedrooms?

Sorry op- if this doesn’t involve shared commitment it is little more than a house share with benefits for your dp. You will only get hassle. My twopeneth is to stay put in your own place.

You're expecting a bit of mindreading here.

You need to spell out what it is you're concerned about and what you want, don't just show him a spreadsheet and hope that he'll figure it out. It's not the most comfortable conversation but the alternative (i.e. you being screwed!) is a lot worse.

We have discussed getting married, it would be the first time for both of us, but I want to live with him first, and ideally not in a pressure cooker situation where we put all 3 DC into one of our smaller homes. I don’t know, I’ve been thinking about this for six months whilst solicitors and viewings and estate agents circle. People around me are seemingly taking the plunge on their blended families without a second thought, and I’m analysing every single eventuality.

You should be analysing this because you have a lot to lose. People who do things like this without a second thought usually regret it. There is nothing about your circumstances that makes me think buying a home with him is a good idea. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. What if you discover that living with his children is absolutely untenable? You'd be screwed.

This is the whole issue that’s thrown me off - him talking about his and his DCs’ money. I spoke to him about it tonight and we ended up arguing because it somehow came off that I was resentful of him saving money for his DC. I think I’ll try again tomorrow.

Buy a house together before marriage and I'd bet he will never marry you. Why would he? He's made it clear that his money is his and his kids. He wouldn't want to risk you getting any of it.

You don't have to be married to have a more mutual financial arrangement than the current plan - he could still pay more toward household expenses (you might prefer to pay half the mortgage). It sounds very much like dating in the same house rather than a partnership

That’s another concern, going from one DC to 3. Luckily he has lovely kids who I spend a lot of time with currently, flitting between houses which isn’t ideal, but I imagine it’s different living together. My DP’s ex can be quite high conflict. It’s not ideal, but is it ever when you’re meeting someone in your late 30s, I just don’t know.

You could purchase relative to the number of bedrooms required (1.5 for you & 2.5 for DP). Something like council tax could be split the same way given it's related to house value/size rather than consumption and then consumables (gas, electricity, water, food) by people so 2 for you and 2 for him (so 50/50) if his 2 DC are with him 50% of time. How would the sums look if you calculated that way?

Who currently does childcare when he is working?

I don't think it can be a good idea to buy a house at the top of your budget right now when costs are rising in almost every area.

You are right to analyse your situation as to you that has something to lose here.

Yes, this seems a bit off. He is the net gainer in every area in this arrangement: he saves money, he pays the same for bringing three to the household as you pay bringing two to the household, despite him earning more. He gains a free child sitter, you gain two more children to mind and shuttle about on a regular basis.

If you and your child are happy where you are, why not stay as you are? It’s a bad sign that you can’t talk about it without him getting defensive or offensive too.

I think you are right to be cautious. Would you consider letting your houses and renting together initially? I know it’s an upheaval.

We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.

This is where you need to start, he doesn't get to unilaterally move the goalposts. I would query why this doesn't seem to be the case in his recent calculations and point out that it means you have much less available to save than him. How he responds would determine my next move but I wouldn't be committing to anything for now.

Current childcare (outside of school/nursery) for DP is managed by his parents (his DC’s GPs). I have told him of course I want to help, he helps me too. I just don’t want to be taken the p out of, he has given me no reason (as yet) to think this will happen - but I do remember when his DS was ill at school and DP’s DM said she couldn’t collect sick DS as she has planned to ‘box dye her hair’. 100% I think the GPs will be expecting me to take on that role.

If you and your DC are comfortable where you are then don’t move.

You absolutely know what will happen with childcare, and it seems silly to stretch yourself financially at a time when bills and food costs are rising.

It sounds like he will be better off financially after the move and you will be less well off, which isn’t right. Maybe discuss this with him and see what he suggests to make it beneficial for both of you - otherwise stay put!

Why can't his kids share a room if he doesn't even have them half the time and get somewhere smaller. Also household bills etc should be a % contribution based on what you both earn. Anything else is unfair.