Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

So you and your child will be in a less secure position while he and his are in a better one?

I wonder how long it will be before you are taking time off to deal with his sick kids? And he starts working overtime as you’re at home looking after the kids anyways.

Nah

Agree with previous posters that there doesn't seem to be any benefit for you except maybe being able to stop running between homes and that your gut is telling you not to do this.

You aren't sure about marriage as you haven't lived together. Normally very sensible but usually doesn't have to mean buying a home and losing one you love to work it out. Could you do what a previous poster suggested about renting? You don't lose your home this way should things not work out and if they do you can do marriage and house purchase then if it works for all.

You most likely will end up being default childcare.

You will be financially worse off and unable to save.

Housework on a bigger home - who will be doing cooking, cleaning, ironing, gardening etc? Will there be an equal split or will the majority fall to you? How will grocery shopping happen and how will payment be managed for it. Who will be driving kids around and paying petrol? How will days out as a family be paid for?

Your DC will be financially worse off in the long term. Will your DC also be living with a constant reminder that they have less now as well or will they have equality with all the normal expenditure too, activities (eg swimming, sports, school trips and holidays, gifts). Are you currently able to put something away for your DC? Do they have a dad who gives anything and who might be putting something away for them?

Will you be able to cope with whatever the cost of living crisis has in store?

I'm normally for families having pooled funds but understand that not happening when blending families. Blending should be to the benefit of everyone. I don't see the benefits for you here. Taking a hit if you were very well off might be okay but you shouldn't have to struggle. You will feel resentment down the line with current proposal, if he puts in more he may not see that as fair. (I would see it as fair especially as I think you'll be putting more into this family in other ways.

There are various different ways that you can organise finances in this situation. However, it is simply not right that one person is better off as a result of moving in together while the other person is worse off. There must be an incentive for both of you.

Don't do it. You have everything right now. Never throw away your financial security.

This would be my thinking.

I must admit, I didn’t move in with my DP until our children had finished their schooling. I wouldn’t have wanted to put myself in the situation you’re describing. Not only financial but the disruption of it-the kids, while getting on when they live apart might find it difficult to adjust when thrown together permanently. You currently have a very nice situation-a house you like, where you and your son are happy and which is affordable-and a partner who you love with children who you like. Changing it for a situation where you’ll be worse off and starting to resent your dp. If it ain’t broke, why fix it?

His plan is not fair. Stick up for yourself.

Find the value of a similar house with 1 bedroom, the difference then allocate to the children's rooms. Then 2/3rds of this is his and 1/3rd is yours to pay. It doesn't matter that the kids aren't there the whole time. The room costs the same.

So this is then the split for the mortgage payments.

Then once you get married split everything accordning to income.

I’d only be buying the new house ,in your shoes ,if we were married,and all income joint income ,everything in the pot to share …with equal amounts in savings for each child ..l would not entertain anything less .
im afraid it’s a loose ,loose situation for u op ,as other posters have already pointed out .
plus you can’t talk to him ,without him becoming defensive…

once your in the house ,you have no chance of marriage or join incomes because he will have things exactly how he wants them ,favouring his children,so no incentive to change
you would be stark raving mad to go ahead with this ,unless married and all money shared equally.

in

You would be crazy to do this.
Relationships don't have to involve living together, especially when children are involved.

Have you budgeted for £4.5k gas/electric costs per annum?

OP it seems to me that your DP has everything to gain and you’ve got everything to loose.

You'd have to be mad OP. You're financially independent, own your own home, have security for you and your children should this relationship go tits up.

There are so many issues with blended families to navigate. If I were you I'd be staying put.

If you ever did consider this in the future I'd be expecting him to pay relative to both his earnings and the fact he has more children than you. You aren't married, you've been together a short amount of time relatively speaking. You shouldn't be out of pocket due to this.

But yeah really, please keep your house.

This OP. Definitely

Another one here who thinks you'd be crazy to do it. You don't get any benefits from this at all! He gets every benefit. You are allowing him to go to work without worrying about childcare and you will have to deal with his ex-wife and you will have to put up with him having 12,000 a year in savings while you have nothing. You will be flat broke and he won't be, and he sees that as a huge advantage of him. He actually told you that!

Of course it makes sense to him, he will have free childcare and extra to put away each month!

If you can't see that this is a massive mistake for you after that then what is your exit plan if it goes tits up in a few years once you are fed up of being taken for a mug? Can you easily sell, and will the remaining money after splitting enable you to rebuy a house easily? Can you absorb the losses and the fees that moving twice in a few years costs? When half your stuff is chucked because you don't need 2 of things, can you afford to rebuy everything?

This is a huge wake up call, he sees you as a money saving advantage and you are already adding up the disadvantages and he isn't even considering you long term or you's all be included in these savings he is putting away.

Nothing in this situation would benefit you except for living with him.

I also think you are asking this question because in your gut you know it's just not right and you aren't comfortable. Follow your gut and have a proper discussion about it. He will show true colours with what his reply is!!

Even without the blended issues, buying a more expensive house right now would be a nerve-wracking concern. Everything is going up, energy bills going crazy, people on strike etc. How secure are both your jobs even?

How would the ex take it? If DP is boasting to you about saving £1000 a month, I'm sure his ex would like a slice of that..... She might decide to go back to work full-time and guess who would be up for the extra childcare?

Poverty, misery, incoming hostility, overwork and burnout. That's how this big house buying future would look to me.

It's better for him. It saves him money, which he's very proud of. It doesn't save you money. Please don't do this.

I completely agree with the if you ever do do this advice.

Spend some time on MN and look at some of the stories where these scenarios have gone wrong

You're not married. He earns more than you. He had two children. If he were a woman on here, he'd be advised to keep finances separate and not subsidise you

You're going ok as you are. Don't overstretch yourself. And you haven't been together all that long. Some people would say that it's premature to be blending families in your situation

Listen to your gut
It's telling you this is not the right move and I would put the brakes on and see how you feel in a few months.

Absolute awful idea to move forward with this. Your dc will all be grown in 10 years and then you'll have a massive house and downsizing is still expensive.

Totally unfair if you are not getting to save equally. So you put all your money into this and have nothing to pay for dc university. Meanwhike his dc will be sitting pretty. Bollocks to that.

If he isn't understanding and supportive I'd put off the move. There will be a lot of conflict anyway with all your dc growing up. Teens etc. It would be way better to plan to blend when your relationship is more established. 3 years is not that long. Give it 2 more and when you're either more financially stable or he is ready to share the benefit so you contribute relative to your incomes.

He sounds like a real negotiator. He's very persuasive. He's conning you. A 3 bed less expensive house where his dc share a room might be a better bet. Or he pay more for the uplift in house price for 4 bed.

@CrystalBall80 Are you personally going to be worse off financially if you buy this house?

He’s talking about it being more sensible finances not to run two households but if he’ll be making a saving but you aren’t, then it only benefits him!

i agree that you will also become the default carer as the GP won’t do it whilst you’re in the house.

You have so much to lose here and it’s so worrying he doesn’t see your point of view.

I would be very wary of going into this situation. Why would you financially stretch yourself so someone else's kids don't have to share a room.which they don't even live in full time.? You certainly won't be the winner here!!