Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

Yes the first paragraph really resonates with my thinking. DP’s reasoning is that he will be living with, housing and contributing towards my one DC 100% of the time, which balances out with me living with, housing and contributing towards his two DC 50% of the time. I think if his DC shared one bedroom, therefore bringing down the total cost of the house (they have their own bedrooms at mum’s who is classed as RP) this would be straight down the middle fair, but I don’t want them to have to share.

Seconding - I wouldn’t do it.

Could you tell him you think any thoughts of doing this need to be delayed for now - as you realise it leaves you in a precarious position financially, worse off than you are currently. Then leave him to think about it. (I.e. reach his own conclusion around 2/5ths for you and a 3/5 or whatever for him - if he really wants to work on a solution)

Also is there any similar forum for men - where he could be encouraged to ask the question, and await answers from others on what he ought to do?..which might make him see things for himself with more clarity - i.e he needs to be fairer to you.

Are house prices also starting to fall….?

It wouldn’t irk me, it would make me irate.

You can’t afford the new place. That is all there is to it. Asking you to pay half the bills on the new house when you have such disparate incomes is outrageous.

Given your situation, a 50:50 split isn’t unreasonable, but the budget needs to be set based on what is reasonable for the lower income person. That means you don’t scrimp to afford the housing, you pay a normal reasonable portion of your income towards housing. The same goes for other bills. Food, utilities, entertainment, holidays, it all has to be done on the lower earners budget with the lower earner still being able to save like normal. You shouldn’t be left in a position where your child needs something and you don’t have the savings to cover it just because you were trying to keep up with him.

I would slow right down on this.

What you need to remember all the time is that you and your son are only a priority to YOU. not your partner - he has 2 kids of his own. You need to make financial decisions that benefit you and your son in the long term. No one else will do this. once your son is grown and gone maybe there is more room for a bit of throwing caution to the wind but not now.

you are swapping a house you love in an area you love that you can afford for a house that you will be pushed to the pin of your collar to afford. You will see your step children having money put in their savings account while you can't afford to do the same for your child. And you will have the stress of being house rich and money poor. And you will resent your DP for having way more disposable cash than you. You will definitely be doing childcare for them - the fact that you think this will happen means it will. I can see a lot of benefits for your partner but none really for you.

Can you not continue as you are for another year or so? And then review?

How much more are your bills (incl mtge) going to be than where you are now?

ok so you've done the spreadsheet & worked it all out & shown him, but I think you need to have a very blunt conversation with him along the lines of 'living costs for me & DC are x in my house, if we move they're going to be x+20%. But yours are A & going to be A -15% . You'll have more disposable income, and I will have less disposable income....

then stay silent & wait to see what he says.

what set up do you have now for WFH, what will you have when you move? (You could giet a bigger house with an office for you 2.5 bedrooms each then.

living with another adult shoukd make it easier financially, not more difficult & I don't think people should do it if it makes it harder on their children & definitely not if it makes it harder in one parent & child yet financially better for the other adult & children.

I sit on the fence about who should pay how much, because it's not black & white, but if you both want to live together.I think the higher earner needs to make sure the lower earner isn't financially worse off than where they are.living beforehand.

you will end up looking after his kids after school etc. how is this going to impact your earnings, career progression??

You need to have brutally honest discussions now, before you sell your home.

good luck.

You should listen to your gut. I think your gut is screaming "no". The 1.5 / 2.5 split does sound fairer, or 2:3 because even if adults share a bedroom they very much occupy the whole house. However, might he potentially use a majority share to prevent you having an equal say in household decisions down the line? It could just be exchanging one loss of power (having less money) for another (being a minority shareholder).

Why is he not listening to you when you are worried about it pushing you financially? Why is he not working to find a different negotiation that you are more comfortable with? You're giving up a lot, and so is your DS.

To add, it doesn't have to be this house, right now.

If it's the right thing there will be a way to make it work next year, or in 3 years' time.

Aquamarine is absolutely right. He benefits, his children benefit, and you are in a bad position -- even worse if you ever split up. If you have to put ever penny into the house while he saves thousands a month, what does that do for your child's future? What cushion do you have if you lose your job?
Stay where you are until you two decide to commit marriage.

This is madness.

He's the higher earner, yet you're the one making all the financial sacrifices to effectively subside his lifestyle.

It's not 50:50 when you are working two jobs, can't afford any equivalence in savings (for yourself or your child) and will end up providing childcare for his children.

I'm not surprised he's keen on this arrangement - he benefits on every level and the fact he can't see that (or won't acknowledge that) is a BIG RED FLAG.

What do you (or your child) get out of it other than a huge amount of financial stress?

Don't do it. You'll absolutely come to resent him and the fallout will be very messy indeed.

Stay where you are or renegotiate so that costs of the family are proportional to income (and frankly I wouldn't buy a joint property without being married either).

I’m someone who did buy a bigger house to house my DHs DCs. My DCs were grown up by then and if I had my time again I wouldn’t do it.

I really felt the pressure of the huge mortgage, and although we now enjoy our home (DSCs have all left home) and plan to downsize within next 5 years, I wish I was mortgage free now and able to save more for my retirement.

OP - I would stay put and tell your DP you feel the move would put your finances in a precarious position.

Bottom line is, what's in it for you? Really?

Not much

And who would he propose leaving his share of the house to in the event of his death? His response will tell you exactly where his priorities lie.

And I bet they’re not with you.

What would happen if he died or you split up ?
Sounds like he's getting a better deal.

I'd run a mile OP. You have pointed out your concerns about this arrangement and your DP doesn't care. You have already resigned yourself to being default carer for his DC. Putting yourself and your DC in a position where you're worse off is crazy.

No way! You are going to sacrifice your financial security to bolster his! You need to tread carefully here. Rent a home together and each rent our the homes you own. You can try out how it feels to live together without having a total shitshow of having to sell one big house and buy two smaller ones if it goes wrong.

There are 5 of you, 3 are his responsibility and 2 yours. So 2/5 of expenses are yours and he takes 3/5. Would that make it easier for you? If so it's a fair suggestion I'd say....

The worrying thing is that when you tried to discuss this with your DP it turned into an argument. He should be able to understand your concerns.

When you bring up the subject again, maybe don't mention his comment about him being able to save for his DC. Focus on yourself and your worries, say that you're sorry but you just don't think you can afford the big house, you're too worried about being right on the limit of your budget at a time of rising costs. Don't let him fob you off with "we'll have to tighten our belts" etc, keep saying no the numbers just don't work for you, it's too tight and it makes more sense for you to stay in your current house for the moment. See what solutions he can suggest.

@CrystalBall80 there is an easier way to do this, and I recommend you do this.

Both of you let your homes to tenants. As this is your only owned home you can take possession of it again should you need to with the new changes of law coming in, so no worries with that.

With the joint rental income you pool it in a joint account. You'll need to account for income tax and rental repairs so make sure to remove the allotted amount each month before the remainder is spent. Allow for income tax plus 10%.

You can rent a bigger house together. This way you've not taken on a new mortgage, you don't have the permanent commitment especially if you aren't married. And if you need to look at a bigger place so his two can have separate bedrooms then it's really easy to show him the difference in rental prices between a three bedroom and a four bedroom. He pays the difference for his extra bedroom. That leftover money that's come from the rental of both properties can go to offset the electricity bills.

This way you are not committing yourself to a big mortgage that's unbalanced due to the needs of the children. You are also not married. It's more of a try it and see if it works.

If it works, then plan a wedding, then and only then get a mortgage together. You may find you never need to. It would be a much simpler way to keep assets separate for passing onto respective children. That's your next hurdle......

I’d want to marry and have more joined finances - specifically sharing the advantage of his higher income - if he has the advantage on my
domestic labour. But I wouldn’t marry a stinge who didn’t consider me and my children worth his money.

You need to write down a list of all your concerns and go through it with him. It's true that he has 2 kids and you have 1, but he has them only half the time so the associated living expenses sort of even out if you get what I mean.

Would you consider ownership in a 40/60 split instead? Maybe that'll give you more breathing room. However do talk this out and make sure you're happy with the arrangement before buying together.

I'd back peddle waaaay back to the start.
What can you comfortably afford? Stress tested to allow for interest rates to hit 4 or 5% in the next five years at least, as well as further increases in bills and also savings.
Then you say to DP - "this is what I can afford to pay for a house each month, if you want a bigger house then you will need to pay the extra".
If you are going to join households but not finances, it will have to be at a level the lower earner can afford. End of discussion. Leave it with him. Prepare to just keep yours and yours sons security intact and can the whole thing if he can't even discuss your POV without becoming angry.

Lots of worrying things here OP.

As said big risk to you if you’re not married.

Childcare likely to fall to you

He doesn’t seem like he wants to share and make your life secure and happy, he only sees that he will do well out of this scenario.

This doesn’t sound like love and building a family to me. Please rethink

Stay where you are and do not give up your security for this man. He's not worth it,

Completely agree with all of this. He totally benefits but I can't see what you gain from the arrangement. You're crazy to do this Op!

You should both be equal once bills are paid. Add up your total expenses and you each pay a % so you are left with same amount after. -
Bills = £1000
Dp earns £1000
Op earns £500
Dp pays £750
Op pays £250

If he's willing to commit to buying a house he needs to be willing to pool money otherwise you will be worse off financially for moving in.