Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

Horrifyingly, I’ve been left feeling like I’m less of a desirable option now that I’ve put the brakes on the big house.

It's not really/just the house. His dream of having a free nanny and skivvy, without having to have any real commitment, has just blown up in his face. You're looking out for your best interests and he doesn't like that one bit.

I’m not sure moving in will give you more information, it’s as big a commitment as marriage in that to extricate yourself will be very hard. This is so hard. I’ve been a step mum and looking back I think I would have rather never moving in. The kids are taking a massive step in their lives and if it doesn’t work, it’s just so tough. If I were you, feeling already uncomfortable, then put it off for another 2 years. It’s so much easier to keep stability with your own child that way, but yes I think you will be default childcare ( I was) and most cases there are issues, and on top of being a mum to your own, you will be step mum also which is massive. I would say far bigger than being a step dad. And if he’s then taking his kids out, buying them nice presents, all because he’s got his extra money, but there you are doing all their washing… maybe one step child has issues and that gets tricky…

honestly don’t do it!

Also reading your latest posts… a couple of big red flags. He is thinking of what he needs and his kids… when you’ve been thinking loads about how you can all work together. And he has a ‘high conflict’ Ex, which is bad whichever way you look at it - either she really is a pain, or your DP is more of a pain than he is letting on, or somewhere in between. Whatever the reason that will amp up if you moved in (it did for me, thought the Ex was fine until I moved in).

Really pleased you’ve put the brakes on. If his love for you is genuine, respectful and compassionate, he won’t mind at all and will use this time productively to continue your relationship and get to know what you need more.

I'm so pleased you've put the brakes on Op - you've done what's best for you and your child. He has shown his true colours in that he's only interested in what's best for him and his DC. TBH, that's fair enough and he's doing absolutely the right thing for his DCs, but sadly that doesn't align with what's right for you and your DC.

Stay strong Op.

Oh wow. He thinks YOU'RE being selfish and entitled and just thinking about what works for you? Pot, kettle....? At least this has opened your eyes OP. Please stay firm and don't buy the 6-bed house he has selfishly set his heart on.

Wow, he is getting pissy as you are trying to free up some weekends, which in his mind means less income for you and not quite so cushy for him.

Im very glad you posted. You are seeing another side to him now. Enjoy your weekend with your ds, at the end of the day this is the most important relationship.

Don't do it! Three years is such a short time. Put your child first and wait until they are 18.

DP sound selfish. If you are buying a house together finances are shared.

Really sorry to hear of his reaction, but as I said in my previous post, you and your son deserve better than this man. He didn’t hesitate to blame you last night, did he?

In his push for the big house and financial comfort wanted and then his reaction to your call, he’s shown you who he really is and what his priorities are.

You did absolutely the right thing @CrystalBall80 but I'm sorry it's left you feeling down. You knew this was all wrong and he's proved it to you straight away, all just about him and his DC, no care for you and your DS.
I think you've dodged a bullet here, his DPs are taking care of his DC because he's too selfish to change his job and you'd be next, plus a massive house to clean and your work to do. Let him go and enjoy your life

Hang on...? He's getting pissy because

1. You won't overstretch your budget and leave yourself nothing to save so he can have the big 6 bed AND save a grand a month

1. You want to reduce your working week to a reasonable "full time" week and have a life around work - and presumably more time WITH him and his children

But you're the selfish one.... ok then!

Seriously, have a re think about this man!!! Don't wait for him to decide, run.

This guy is an absolute clown. He must think his cock is made of solid gold of he thinks he's offering anything a woman with the tiniest bit of self respect or sense would find appealing.
He wants you working 5 days, evenings and weekends in perpetuity in order to fund four more bedrooms than you actually need, as well as his £1k per month savings?
What an utter shambles of a man.

Absolutly this OP. It sounds like you will actually be worse off after the move which is a crazy thing for him to expect you to do so he can have a six bedroom house!

Horrifyingly, I’ve been left feeling like I’m less of a desirable option now that I’ve put the brakes on the big house

I can understand your shock but at least he has revealed himself before a financial commitment. It is shocking to find out you are with someone who sees you as a "means to an end". He may now back track, once he knows you are serious but will you be able to trust him going forwards?

He may now back track, once he knows you are serious but will you be able to trust him going forwards?

I think he'll now put himself back on the market for a wealthier woman. Sorry @CrystalBall80 . Six bedrooms!!!!!

Six beds in this market is very foolhardy

Sorry you are feeling down OP. He really is a greedy guts and he's trying to turn it on you. Because if you are not prepared to go down to the bones of your arse to subsidise his lifestyle, he may need to free himself up to look for someone else to skivvy for him.

I think it's a real blessing that you posted when you did. You've seen his true colours. He basically wanted to use your money to subsidize him living in a great big house that he can't afford by himself.

How very dare you spoil his grand plans of a massive house with built in childcare and sex...

Well done, if it does work out financially and emotionally for you and your ch you've massively swerved a wrong un

Why can’t he just pay more towards the house each month? Or the deposit?

thats what he should be doing or why can’t he buy a bigger house alone if he can afford it?

I wouldn’t mention marriage though as tbh I wouldn’t marry you in his position (eek sorry)

Hi OP,
What you have said about the new house makes your situation more precarious as I am guessing if you split up there is no way you can buy him out of such a large house and pay the mortgage yourself. So if you split up you will be starting over again relying on your now ex to sell or buy you out and feeling dreadful and stressed as you and possibly ex have to find new homes.

If your boyfriend bought a more modest/affordable 3/4 bed himself you could keep your house and rent it out.

You could go all in on a big house together selling yours when you have test run living together, and then in time get married/pool finances/sell your house and buy bigger together if you want to.

Thank goodness you wrote this post and dished a bullet. I suspect it'll be the end of the relationship, but better that happens now, than down the line after you've married.