Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

3 years isnt that long to uproot sell your home and move into together. Dynamics will change once together as they do in blended fanilies you only need to read the threads on here . It also looks like he's at advantage over you finically.

It’s a definite no from me!

there’s a difference between being blended families and housemates!

This.

It's madness for you to over-extend yourself in this way, especially right now with the economy in the toilet and inflation, interest rates and fuel all shooting up. And you don't even have the protection of being married.

He's not so secretly delighted with his £1000 windfall and free childcare though.

So the only way he can save money is to have you so stretched YOU have to cut back. To me it sounds like you are supplementing him. Are you able to save money now? I think I'd phrase it as you are concerned you can't maintain your current standard of living if you move into a larger house that's already a stretch before the expected cost of living increases kick in.

The fact his kids are there 50% of the time is irrelevant and doesn't balance out your child at 100% if they each have their own room. A 3 bed house costs less than a 4 bed house.

You could try splitting costs based on 2/5 and 3/5. Would that make it more affordable for you? I wouldn't be keen to do that personally, but is it something you could discuss with him?

Dreadful idea to give up your child’s security and home to move in to a house with a boyfriend. The only reason to make your kid live with some bloke and his kids would be if there is a huge benefit to the child, rather than just to facilitate the adults dating life. (And yes, I have a step ‘parent’-mother married some guy and moved him in to my home)

I think you are over analysing this because you know in your heart that it does not feel right. Things will only magnify when you are living together and before you know it, you will become the go to person for childcare, particularly if you work from home.
If you are having doubts, then please give yourself more time and don’t rush into anything. Trust your gut feeling.

The op who congratulated you on your new position as housekeeper/nanny was spot on. If one of his dc is still at nursery how long have the GPs been providing the extra childcare?
If your instincts are right about this falling to you then maybe it's not that long and maybe it's not something they relish? How clever of their DS to solve the problem in this way.
I bet they're delighted at the prospect of not being your DPs 'on call' childcare anymore and they can go back to being GPs on their terms.
Don't get me started on the rest of it.
Personally I'd only consider this position if I was married and all the finances were transparent and shared.

I think you should either have jount finances or work out your finances so that you both have the same disposable income after all essential bills are paid - including food.

The easiest way to do that might be all of both of your money paid into a bills account and then the same spending money each paid into your own accounts. Savings (joint or for each of you) could come from either account depending on what you agree and what flexibility you want.

If you go ahead and he has £1000 each month spare and you have only £200 right from the beginning you can't have the same quality of life. What is the point of that within a family? He could ask you if you fancy a weekemd away and you reply you can't afford it. He either pays for you or takes his kids while you stay home. It's madness.

Discuss with him you are either a family (and share like a family) or you are not - in which case you are better off staying put in the house that you love. Don't be his poor cinderella housemate caring for his kids and not able to keep up with his lifestyle.

As mentioned by a previous poster you need to also discuss house ownership and wills.

Joint tenants, where on the death of one of you house automatically goes to your partner, or tenants in common with your share to your own kids?

Will you be able to house yourself if he leaves his share to his kids?

Life insurance? Again left to each other or your own kids - or some combination?

Wills - savings to each other or your kids?

The main worry is if you could house yourself and your child in the event of your partner's death and provide the security that you already have.

Added to that if you split up could you achieve security again. Would you want to consider renting your house out and your partner purchasing the new house alone? If you later marry all will be marital assets.

He has revealed himself by saving only for his kids and bit for the new blended family's kids.

You are very right to be wary. Don't do this yet. Rent or stay put. Right now he gains way more than you. Tell him it's because he doesn't understand how offensive it is that he is saving for his kids and not for the family's kids.

I had no qualms about moving in with my boyfriend, because we were going in the sane direction and loved each other. The fact that you're not makes me think you need to stay living apart for now.

Don't be his poor cinderella housemate caring for his kids and not able to keep up with his lifestyle

This x 100

Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house

Sounds like it.

You need to ensure your son is 100% priorities here.

What’s the benefit to him in being moved out of his house, having to share his home with another man and two other children, and having his family unit’s (ie, him and you) disposable income reduced?

Please please please don't do this. Don't lose your safety net for a man who sees your money as separate.
If you split (and it is a fairly new relationship) you won't be able to afford to stay there but he will.

I agree that this would definitely not be fair on you, and if he can't see that - don't do it! If you guys do manage to sort this out between you in a way that's fair on everyone - GET IT IN WRITING. Even just in an email, where the details of who pays what are written down. That way, when at some point down the line someone says, "That's not what was said," or "I never agreed to that," you have proof. We have a spreadsheet which has a formula that calculates our relative discretionary incomes, so if our income changes, it recalculates how much we each contribute to the joint pot and how much we have for ourselves. Good luck!

OP, your post fills me with dread.. If you were my friend I would have been very vocal about this catastrophic mistake you are about to make. He is eager because:

1. it is dramatically better for him financially
2. he is benefiting by buying a bigger house for his children that he wouldn't be able to afford without you
3. he will have all his childcare needs covered

You, on the other hand..

1. lose out financially as there will be more mortgage and bills to pay and end up with no savings at all
2. will have less time to spend on your child and yourself because you will be doing all the childcare for his children
3. won't benefit from this shared arrangement because he is quite clear that his money are for him and his children unless of course these are expenses, then you are very welcome to pay half. I bet he will also expect you to share the food bills evenly even though there is one more child on his side.

This man must have some amazing redeemable features given you are even considering moving in together..

Another question for the pot from me: you seriously need to consider your position if your partner or you should die.

To whom would the respective shares of the house be left. What if you died and your partner remarried - where would that leave your child in respect of inheritance etc. And his, of course, but I'm looking at this from your perspective.

What if your partner died - could his children try to force a sale etc?

Issues such as these as and other eventualities need to be addressed with a solicitor and Wills have to be considered too.

No,
If it's not down fairly, it's not done at all.

Either you're in it together and everything is shared so you can both have similar disposable income, and similar savings can be put away for all three children

Or

You keep your separate incomes and split the costs more fairly because in this instance, you don't need (nor can realistically afford) a big 4 bed home.

Being blunt for your own good:

Yes, you and your children would be worse off. You would be an ABSOLUTE fool to even consider this before you are married.

He clearly doesn't consider you a family, and you are the only one making a sacrifice (and your children of course). It's no sacrifice to him.

Don't do it. At least not until you're married.

I would only accept this if he paid more towards the household bills (not the mortgage, might as well go 50/50 on that if you can) so it’s not as tight for you. I just wouldn’t accept being worse off. And I’d also want to make sure your investment in the house is protected.

You need to be able to have a conversation about it. And if it results in an argument I would not be moving full stop.

If he can afford to save £1000 compared to whatever he can save now, say £500. But you could afford to save £500 now and only £200 after the move I think you need to present it to him that way, he is gaining £500 you are losing £300. See what he says to that.

You should be a bit better off splitting bills 50/50 rather than both paying 100% of bills seperately even if they are higher due to a bigger house. However the mortgage and council tax etc would be potentially putting you worse off.

If you need a 4 bed due to him having more DC then I would say he needs to be paying more overall. Aswell if he earns more he does.

You need to let him know you aren't begrudging him saving for his DC you are simply realising you will not be able to do the same for yours, and as such it's made you think whether this is the right move for 'you and your dc'

His logic seems to be based on his fundamental assumption that 2x children 50% of the time is equal to 1x child 100% of the time. Putting aside the obvious flaw in his reasoning that the mortgage, rates etc for 2 bedrooms vs 1 still apply 100% of the time, is he really saying that if he ever had to supervise your DS for 4 hours that would be equivalent to you supervising two, probably three under-10s for 2 hours?
Bearing in mind you WFH and he often works on location how realistic is it that he would be called upon to look after just your DS as much as you would be asked to look after all 3?

Btw the above might seem a petty way to break things down in an otherwise equitable relationship but when he’s using this argument as the sole basis of you losing out financially then the actual day-to-day logistics matter A LOT.

So look the whole point of is is you want to live together before getting married to see if it works. Thats the whole reason for doing this. I agree with a previous poster both of you rent your 'owned' houses and then you together find a rental to live in.

Oooh OP, my stomach went into knots reading this....

(apologies I have not read all the replies)

Please do not purchase at the very top band of what you can afford now. In fact, I don't think you should purchase at all.....

You said you want to live together before getting married, I suppose so that you can see how things work out living under the same roof. But buying a house together is just as much as a commitment. and you don't have the security of marriage if things don't work out.

I really think if you are set on seeing if it will work, rent somewhere first.

But please, allow enough funds for the unforseeables.

He absolutely should be putting more money towads his kids so he can continue to support them and meet heir needs and help them with post secondary education etc. No one would expect a woman to put her savings towards her boyfriend and his children over saving it for herself and her own kids.

You need to figure out financials though before you move. His kids are always goign to be part of his life and require resources and money, just like you have a responsiblity towards your child. You shouldn't sacrifice your child's needs for him or his kids sake and neither should he for you or yours.

In the end, there is no exact equal line. Your child is there 100% of the time so basically the same as 2 kids there 50% of the time when it comes to expenses. What is the difference in buying a 3 bed vs 4 bed house in the neighbourhood you are looking at. You could discuss him contributing more to the downpayment with regards to the difference.

And pooling your money means all his kids expenses for 2 will come out of that pot - are you sure you won't be resentful with that?

Personally in blended families, I think there should be a joint pot and two separate accounts as I think people need to keep themselves and their own children financially secure as relationships and marriages end - especially in blended families. So ai have no issue with not pooling all the money, I think it leaves people and kids in precarious positions to have none of their own money when things break down.