Would this irk you? New home plans…

[CrystalBall80]

Hello all, I’m going around and around in my head over this so I thought I’d try to get some opinions and maybe advice if anyone has been through similar.

My DP and I have been together almost 3 years, we have 3 DC between us, I have one and he has 2, all under 10 YO. I have my DS full time, he has his DC almost half the time.

We have decided to sell our respective homes and buy a home together for the five of us to live in. We do not want to compromise on the DC sharing bedrooms so we have hit the top of our budget to get a large enough home in a good area. I have worked out the sums (to the penny) and I can just about afford to own, and pay half towards this home, save a little (jointly, for emergencies / home improvements etc) and have a small amount of disposable income each month.

With interest rates (and everything else) rising, I’m growing more and more concerned about affording this big house. DP earns more than me and is not worried at all. He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC. I certainly couldn’t afford to do that, even though I’ve just taken a better paid job and do evening work (all home based) on top.

This has really irked me. Because what I’m now thinking is,

1. Am I (and ultimately my DS) going to be worse off buying this house, a house I only need because my partner has two DC.
2. We had spoken about putting towards the house relative to our earnings but that seems to have gone out the window.
3. My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

I love my current home and I’ve been so happy here, but I also adore (most of the time!) my DP and have always wanted a family home, I’m just now confused and wondering whether to stay put :-/

I agree with others - there's a lot of benefit for him here and not a lot for you.

At the very least I think your free money should be joint rather than "his" and "yours", to balance out all the sacrifices you'll be making to accommodate the fact that he has two children he wants to have a room each instead of one. The fact that he can't see that and it caused an argument would worry me.

Why would you do this in the way its currently working out?

I'm not sure i can see any benefit to you or your ds with this plan...

Apart from you get to live with your dp......

You lose financially, and how will you do your other job if you are default childcare for 2 other children....

Your ds will get a lot less of you as well .....with 2 other kids around more...do you want that? Is that good for him....
I wouldn't do this at all.... financially its crap....and lifestyle wise its crap too.....
Even if your input is ring fenced at the beginning you are taking a lot more burden.
You need to think ahead...how could u save for ds to go to uni? Whst would happen when you die.....I wouldn't jeopardise my future..you are in a good position now...it needs to be a great position to change that..

You're not overthinking...you are responding to your instincts screaming no.....or at least not like this.......you have to think of yourself and your ds 1st.....

He even proudly announced last week that he’ll be able to put over £1000 aside each month into a savings account for him and his DC.

Is this something that he can’t do now?

If so, you and your child will be directly saving him £1000 a month!

He will be better off, you will not.

He already relies on other people to be able to have his well paid job and work away.. this is very likely to result in you taking on an unequal share of home responsibilities which will further restrict your ability to earn on top of the emotional burden of 3 children 50% of the time and 1, 100% of the time while he is away with only himself and his job to think about.

You will be subsidising his life and his savings.

Look at your costs now and his costs now, compare the total costs now to the total costs in the future and split the savings between you.

You pay 1,000 per month
He pays 1,500 per month
Future costs 2,000 per month - savings 500

If you split this equally
You would still pay 1,000 as would he but if you split the costs by person, you would pay 800 and he would pay 1,200

Show him this thread so he can see why you are concerned.

You need a spreadsheet- if that's the language he speaks. Get it out there in black and white how this isn't a deal for you.

this is how much I save now- this is how much I'll save with the bigger house. You are better off a grand a month and I am worse off to the tune of xyz.

he'll be subsidizing the cost of your sons food and electricity and you'll be subsidizing the cost of their accommodation...... I know who has the better deal.

the angry side of me is thinking ‘yes, when it suits you

You should listen to your anger. He is telling you what his values are since he knows you will worse off but doesn't care.

It's a major red flag that by raising the subject of a fair split caused an argument. Please dont go ahead just because you have commited so far

Honestly if you are a real partnership, buying a home together then everything should be 50:50. Or even, in your case 2/5 and 3/5.

He is being unfair. I would question the wisdom of moving in together.

If you have a blended family it has to be all or nothing - you have to be a unit and every child needs to be included in the benefit of any savings. He is not ready to do this blend properly and wholeheartedly.

For me, there's two options here:

1. You choose to be a fully connected blended family with blended finances. There's no my money, your money, it's just our money. All costs are shared but, equally, all income and assets are shared.

1. You live together but are still separate units. Finances aren't blended and, as such, you each pay towards costs in proportion to your income. You keep leftover for yourself but this also means you own assets in proportion to your contribution as that keeps you both 'protected'.

Wasn't there a long long thread a while ago about a dp who insisted his dc got a room each and the op was expected to financially provide this?
Unless you will be financially equal why would you enter such an arrangement op?
Keep your own place.

I think you need to you lay it out for him in black and white. Something like…

‘Now, I have £x left after I pay all my bills. If we buy this house, I will only have £y and will be the default child care. How much you do have left after bills now and if we bought this house?’

So basically he will be saving money by moving in together, but you will be worse off? It's a no from me.

You need to put your foot down here, and work out a fair way of paying for the house that leaves you both with an equal amount of spending money.

I wouldn't be buying a house with someone without a commitment to marriage personally. Marriage doesn't have to mean a big wedding either.

In any case, I think a couple living together should be paying an equal percentage of their earnings, or ensuring that they both have equal disposable income. If he thinks that he will have £1000 left after expenses, then he should increase his contribution by £500 and you should reduce your contribution, to ensure that you retain £500 for yourself. You can keep seperate bank accounts and just have a shared one that you pay into via standing order for bills.

Why on earth can't his children share a room? I also don't like the wording of your post implying you have to move because of "his children". You are moving because of your collective children, him having one more child than you doesn't affect that!

My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

Yes you will. Why is he proudly telling you how much he's going to save, doesn't he know that you're budgeting to the last penny? It's not going to work. If he wants his kids to have a bedroom each he needs to pay 2/3 of the costs of running the house and you 1/3.

Totally agree. Why would you disadvantage yourself for a boyfriend you're not even married to?

He means HE will be better off.

Don't be a mug.

Congratulations on the live in housekeeper /nanny position op..
That YOU get to pay for...

Well it’s not a partnership is it

Someone's used the phrase 'exit plan'
.
What would yours be if you sell up and move in and it doesn't work?

All of this.

Don't let some romantic fantasy overtake common sense.

Why have you told him you'll happy to help with childcare? You won't be able to, you'll be working. You're already stressing about it.

Do you have a habit of putting other people before yourself? It's very worrying that you can't talk to him properly about your worries.

I agree with this poster 100%

My new role is completely remote, my DP works out of home, often on location, so as well as paying for half of this expensive home, am I eventually going to be default childcare?

Yes you will. And if you don't want to, you'll have all and sundry on here telling you you should be because it's what you signed up for.

Honestly please just don't bother.

Stay put.
He can save 1k as you’re subsidising it!